Bunny

Well. That's some fabulous bit of slut-shaming right there. But it seems that only women are considered slutty for 'putting out' too soon? Apparently, a man is merely being an opportunist, not also being a slutty slut. And it's perfectly okay to kiss and tell when the woman is not considered 'worthy' of your respect, but interesting you're not worried what your friends will think of you and your own loose morals for fucking her so quickly. I've slept with more than one serious boyfriend on the first date (including my husband). I'm feeling very fortunate that the men I've been in relationships with weren't hypocrites. Helen, I'm so glad to see you are dating again. I don't have any advice since I ended up with someone I knew in college- basically came right up to my porch with very little effort on my part. All I can say is, try to listen to your instincts- what feels right *for you*. Caution is not a bad thing, but neither is having a bit of fun...

Congrats on the super quick sale! I live one block away from train tracks. I'm totally used to it, though some engineers can be a bit obnoxious with the horn blowing...

Oh, my! I go away for a few days and come back to a robust conversation going on- how awesome is that? I do want to thank everyone for contributing their thoughts. In reading the definitions you all are giving of what a marriage means, we're pretty much already married. Thus, my reasons for bothering to make it legal were more on the pragmatic side. Also: I have no religion to appease, no children to consider, no financial loss to worry about. I mean, I really did love being married. (Well, most of the time!) I just never thought I would ever even consider doing it again. For a whole host of reasons that I'm still untangling in my brain. i honestly can't believe it's a question I'm having to consider once again. Not that I'm complaining- it's a most lovely worry to be having in the grand scheme of things, yes?

The other night my boyfriend said he felt like our relationship was a threesome- him, me, my husband- and that he hoped someday it could be just the two of us building a life together. It was said matter-of-factly, without accusation, just a hint of wistfulness. I was surprised. I thought I'd done a pretty good job of making him feel special. After paying closer attention, I do kinda see his point. I think part of the problem is we spent many months hanging out as friends, starting when I'd only been widowed 18 months, so I talked often and openly about my grief and husband. He was a very good listener, he helped me get off my porch and step back out into the world. Coddling and pushing in proper measure. But now we've been dating for....20 months. (Holy crap!) It's time I let go of some behaviors, start acting more like a girlfriend and less like a widow. Turns out that is a bit emotionally complicated for me. I mean, I'm not talking about erasing my past, just working on letting it be the past. I'm considering my thoughts and words more often. It's kind of like after you quit smoking and realize just how many cues there are throughout your day that make you crave a cigarette. I've told him I want to spend the rest of my life with him, which I do, so why am I so ambivalent about getting married again? Reasons to marry him: 1) he's never been married, this is the first time he's wanted to be- why deny him that experience? 2) control of situation if something were to happen to one of us. 3) we have a very equal relationship regarding things such as cooking, cleaning, yard work, etc. (gotta love a life-long bachelor!) Reason not to get married: Don't want to lose this feeling of complete autonomy, of having absolute sole control of my destiny. I've always considered myself a feminist, but my marriage did fall along pretty traditional lines. That was fine when I married at 32. That would no longer work for me on the verge of age 52 (hmmm....I'm beginning to understand this desire for a younger wife is about more than just firmer flesh!) This is the longest I've ever lived alone. It took a while to get used to, for sure. But it turns out, I quite like it. For many reasons. And yet...I do love being taken care of. And, thankfully, he loves taking care of me.( I mean, it's mutual- I date in total wifey mode, which he super enjoys). I guess I'm just observing myself behaving quite differently than the last time I was single. Parts of it are widowhood, parts of it age, and parts of it are just not sure I want to feel so legally 'tied down' once again. I am, by turns, more and less romantic now. I feel he gets to have both the best and the worst of me. Please feel free to chime in with your own feelings of ambivalence, adjustments, reluctance... P.S. I am just now realizing the impact that being childless also plays into things. I mean, no little ones to keep pictures up for, share daddy stories with. No reason to keep our matching last name should I decide to re-marry. I suppose from the outside it looks easier, but it's...complicated in a whole different way. No simple 'excuse' for keeping those pictures/mementos around. And no one to leave them to when you are dead. You are truly the last one standing- it's lonely on another level.

That was really beautiful. Thank you for writing and sharing it here with us, Mizpah. Tears in my eyes. For you. For him. For me. For my own husband who is no more.

Winter is making me feel crazy. Stupid fucking winter. I really need to leave the Midwest.

Yes, forgiveness is very freeing, (I've managed it to varying degrees), but it does not require that you then have a relationship with them afterwards. Or, if you do, that it be the same relationship that it was. Post-widowhood, I just don't have the energy or interest in putting up with the things I would have beforehand. I'm much better at boundaries. And that's not such a bad thing. There are people who want to now be back in my life that I simply have no desire to be around anymore and I've stopped feeling bad about that.

No, you're definitely not. A fail would be accepting any old relationship simply because you fear being alone. You don't do that. You were in a relationship that ultimately wasn't working for you, so you got out. That's a good thing. You are going out and meeting new people- also a good thing. You aren't willing to settle for someone who might look good on paper but without any chemistry. Also good. I know you're frustrated. I'm sorry dating has been so disappointing for you. Please don't forget to also take time to do things you (might) enjoy for and by yourself. You are a complete person who deserves to seek out pleasurable experiences all by yourself. Sometimes it's nice to do things alone, not having to worry about another person's comfort. See these experiences as a treat to yourself, not as a poor substitute for not having a partner to do them with. Good luck, girl! You know we're all rooting for you...

When I woke up today this one popped into my head. You know when you get an invite to an event, like a concert or a wedding, and you get to bring along another person? You could just introduce your paramour to people as 'this is my Plus One.' It's also gender neutral! Paramour's not bad either...

In the depth of winter I finally learned that there was in me an invincible summer. ~ Albert Camus

Oh, MrsDan...there was SO MUCH in your confession I wanted to quote, that I related to. Dating my boyfriend has really pushed my husband off his pedestal- because the honest truth is that this relationship is just easier, in so many ways. I can't tell you how many one-sided heated conversations I've had with my husband about this! Anger at him for not getting his rage issues under better control, angry at myself for putting up with more than I should have. It got to the point where I found it almost impossible to feel any of the good stuff, access any of the good memories- I just started fixating on every shitty thing he'd ever said or done. It's been very, very painful- and a different kind of grief I can't explain, can't seem to get a good handle on. God, I wish I could afford therapy!!! It's only been quite recently, 18 months into my angerfest, that I've felt any kind of relief. My conversations with him have finally begun to mellow as I work my way towards fully understanding and accepting our marriage- both the ugly parts and the sublime. Because it's not fair, to either of us, to ignore one or the other. one doesn't have to cancel out the other completely. I don't know....maybe, for me, I needed to let myself feel all that anger. But, fuck, it's been exhausting. And frustrating. i do know this much- wherever he is, if he is aware of my life now, I know he is happy to see me with someone who brings me so much joy, who has helped to ease my grief, and who takes such very good care of me.

In the beginning, MrsMisterMan took to calling my guy Gentleman Caller, because we couldn't figure out what exactly he was or where the friendship was going. A few months after we officially started dating, I decided to tackle my reserve and gave myself the task of using the words 'my boyfriend' in conversation. At first, they felt heavy on my tongue, awkward. Now, at 18 months, they roll off effortlessly. And, apparently, I'm the only one here who gets a girlish pleasure out of saying the words 'My Boyfriend' (I'm 51.) I find it fun, hilarious, joyful. I also like saying my beau. Along the lines of emergency contact, you could shorten it to something more snappy like- 'my ICE' (in case of emergency)- I have that next to bf's name in my phone.

1. It is miserably cold outside, but I've got a nice fire going in the wood stove so my home is toasty warm. 2. My bf is in the kitchen making us a frittata. I'm so glad he enjoys cooking, it's nice to not be in charge of that all the time. 3. I tried out a new bread recipe- Mexican King's Bread (even though the 12th day of Christmas is long gone)- and it turned out fabulous! Yum!

Thank you for starting this thread, SVS. And thank you to everyone who contributed their thoughts. It's making me realize that, at the very heart of my anger, there is this truth: sometimes its just easier for me to find stuff to be angry at him about than to feel how much I miss him.

The Violent Femmes just came out with a new song. Some of those lyrics just make my heart ache for him... http://www.npr.org/sections/allsongs/2016/01/13/462656061/hear-a-song-from-violent-femmes-first-album-in-15-years?utm_source=facebook.com&utm_medium=social&utm_campaign=npr&utm_term=nprnews&utm_content=20160113

Oh boy, do I get this one! In the beginning, when we were just hanging out as friends, but I could see where things could lead if I let them, I would think 'why fall in love again if they're just gonna die on you anyway? Wouldn't it just be easier, less painful, if we simply remained friends?' It was a block for me, kept me creating walls between us in order to protect myself from 'the inevitable'. Sometimes, when I wouldn't hear from him for a while, my imagination would fill in all sorts of blanks. I did discuss my feelings about it with him early on, letting him know I realized this was my issue to work on, not his to fix. But he is pretty sensitive and accommodating to those fears. And, strangely, as we got more serious, those feelings quieted down. i mean- my choices are to break up with him now so I don't have to deal with him dying, or to stay with him and enjoy the hell out of whatever time we're allotted. In the beginning, I did try to break off our friendship, more than once, but he refused to go away and I did not have the willpower to make it stick- because he made me very, very happy. And, after so much unrelenting pain, that happiness felt like the best drug on earth. Still does. We've been in a relationship for 18 months now. If he forgets to text me goodnight, I don't think he might be dead anymore (well, maybe a tiny bit of me does), I just think he forgot / fell asleep, and I'll hear from him in the morning.

I was surprised to find myself inconsolably weeping when I woke up to the news this morning. I mean, of course I was real sad about Lemmy too, Bear. But David fuckin' Bowie...and cancer...and widowed wife...my heart just breaks for her... How was I foolish enough to imagine him immortal? I pretty much refuse to talk about my husband's cancer beyond answering that that is how he died. one word. no details. If people don't take the hint and I reach my breaking point, I have no problem saying flatly; 'I don't want to talk about that. It's an incredibly painful subject for me.' That usually does the trick. I feel bad for Iman- she will surely not be able to escape the questions as easily.

Sometimes, one of the saddest things about widowhood is losing that one person you could discuss something with all the while being totally & unabashedly small-minded/petty/dickish/bitchy/pissy- and they would not only happily listen and understand, but also join in! And *still* find you completely lovable. They'd let you be totally ugly and still think you beautiful, without judgment. So. Please. Bitch away- I'll gladly cheer you on! (Says the girl who got tired of her brother's wife's shit so barely speaks to them anymore).

Thank you for starting this thread, for sharing with us. There is still much I don't understand, or like, about this new person I've become. In some ways, I feel like widowhood has only served to emphasize the weaker aspects of my character, though I do try to give myself pep talks about the improvements in other areas. I just can't seem to get a handle on things, still feeling pretty unmoored- but remain ambivalent about it. Well, when I'm not feeling overly-anxious about it, that is.

Ummmm....wow. You really should get some kinda prize for this one- I'm almost jealous you have such a bizarrely awesome bad date story to share forevermore. Almost, not quite. Thanks for the laugh!

Gonna try to make this into a habit for 2016: http://livingtraditionally.com/20-reasons-drink-lemon-water-mornings-1/

It's so awful being angry at them, isn't it? I hate it! I've been stuck in too many moments of anger for a while now. It's been a difficult thing trying to work through it, searching for some relief, but lately I've finally been feeling a lessening and am so very grateful for that. This grief truly is like an onion- you work so hard to get through a very painful place/layer, only to find another brand new thing waiting for you to work on right underneath that. It can be so exhausting.

Sometimes, after a big emotional revelation/feeling, a person needs to step back from it to process what is happening. It doesn't mean one is unsure of saying it, just that they might need to take breaks from the intensity of it all. Or yeah- perhaps trying things on for size to see how it fits/feels. I find, in my own relationship, that things have moved both very quickly and slow as molasses. It's such a strange thing and hard to find words for. I feel like marriage and widowhood have confused my equilibrium in terms of pace that a relationship should take. I am simultaneously very open with my feelings and impossibly closed off. I happily plan for a future with him but also crave solitude and wonder if I'm capable of living with someone ever again. I am, by turns, passionate and ambivalent about my relationship. I have trouble trusting myself. I wonder sometimes if I'm capable of being fully in love, while at the same time feel widowhood has given me a greater understanding and depth to my being in love again. I wish I wasn't such an internal person. I wish I knew how to truly live in the moment and enjoy what is without trying to fuck with it every once in a while. I'm sorry for the hijack- I guess I've got some shit I need to process myself.

My husband's birthday was in November. 4th one without him (HOW is that even possible?!) He turned 50. Well, he would have... I know I'm getting better at dealing with stuff, but his birthday is a hard one- can't manage/don't want to do anything other than hide away from the world.

You might try looking in the Arts & Entertainment section of your newspaper. See if there are any exhibits at a museum that look interesting, musical events, art shows. Bonus point: a lot of these options are free or fairly cheap.