Bunny

And here is one of my favorites:

I suppose it might amuse some here that I'm the one starting this thread, since I'm agnostic, but I was inspired by tybec mentioning she was comforted in her grief by Christian music and I don't recall a thread on here for religious music so I'm starting one today, in honor of my husband's birthday. I'm interested in people sharing any kind of spiritual/religious music- I was always the girl going to various services/temples with friends to see how others express themselves. I was raised Roman Catholic and loved singing in Mass and have always self-comforted by singing the religious songs I learned in my youth, even though I'm no longer a believer of any religion. I guess that might seem odd to some atheists and religious, but what can I say? I've never been considered the conventional type! I will begin with a song from my husband's memorial service, sung by a singer he loved:

His birthday continues to be difficult for me. November begins and all of a sudden I find my tears closer to the surface and my skin becomes paper thin. His best friend called yesterday and I will most likely call his dad sometime today. It's the sixth one since he died. It has gotten easier each time, but I'm surprised by how hard it continues to be for me. I tell myself it's because Fall is here- everything dying and the weather more gloomy. But I used to really love the Fall. I know I have much to be grateful for and I do try not to dwell in my sadness as much as I used to, but apparently my body continues on with it's grief schedule even when my brain looks for more distractions now. It seems my grief has morphed into me holding my memories at bay; thinking of him- of us- with a wall up between... it's so hard to find the words for this...I keep all of that at an arm's length now- the old magnifying glass has been put away. I feel more detached, even when I finally allowed myself a really good long cry in the shower yesterday. So. My husband would have turned 52 today. But really he's just forever frozen at 46 1/2.

I think widowed people have an appreciation for some things that the divorced simply can't because being devastated by death changes your perspective in some pretty radical ways. Yes, both events cause major heartbreak, but the emotional changes just seem to manifest themselves differently. This became extra clear to me recently when reading poetry by two women- one widowed, one divorced. Both heartbroken but so different. It's irritating two adults can't get their shit together enough to co-parent, irritating they can't realize life is short and beautiful and they should appreciate the extra set of hands and heart to raise their children- that it is a gift to be able to give a child two parents, a joy to have someone to share in the triumphs and the disasters- even if the marriage is over. Yes, it's especially maddening to witness when you are juggling all of the balls all by yourself. Widowed have a lot more in common with single parents than with divorced parents. As the divorced man who tried to court me explained oh so eloquently: widowed people are sad their spouse is dead, divorced people wish their spouse was dead. Talk about a serious mood killer... so, I guess maybe some divorced people envy what they view as a much less messy situation and thus deem it easier to be widowed. And hey- maybe after viewing some of the batshit crazy stuff their ex can pull, you might see how that thought can occur to them.

1. I am on vacation, surrounded by beautiful mountains. 2. My mom is back home taking care of my very geriatric dog- I'm so lucky she does this for me as he has gotten to be quite the handful. 3. It's so nice getting to sleep through the night.

I was only a caretaker for two years. i could not admit that my husband was actually going to die until he slipped into a coma days before his death. I remember hiding from everyone in the bathroom, trying to calm myself down by making plans on how I was going to deal with his absence. That was shot to hell pretty quickly. Widowhood was so much harder than my imagination could possibly conjure.

I guess this is one widow thing I get to skip, since I married someone younger than me. When he died, he was 18 months younger. Now, he's 7 years younger than me. Death math is so discombobulating sometimes!

I'm so sorry about your mom, it's hell waiting for someone to die, I can't imagine what that's like with a parent. As for NG talking about your son marking his territory and thus making it impossible now for it to ever be yours and NG's home...ummmm, seriously? That's just such a ridiculous thing to say. I can't decide if it comes from a place of frustration that things didn't exactly go as he planned with this move, or if it's simply a convenient excuse to not offer you a real long-term commitment. I'm glad you are choosing to live your life and not just put it on hold while 'waiting in the wings' for him, so to speak. I can tell you are a woman who loathes the loose ends, so my big ol' piece of advice is to make the Serenity Prayer your new mantra . Repeat as necessary- the longer version as well as the better known short one. Peace.

Yup, the social section is definitely the most hopping. But - logically speaking- that's just because, in comparison, there is so little participation in the other sections. That's the mystery. And, while it's easy enough to just skip over the Social Section, I admit when I was newly widowed I ventured in there fairly often even though I had no interest in socializing simply for the distraction from my grief and the pure entertainment value. Now, it's just easier to talk about my bf than my lingering issues with anger, anxiety, and loss. I do sincerely wish that weren't the case.

Yeah, I think you're right about the quietness on here. I'm very happy this place exists, but it just seems kinda...I really don't know how to word it exactly: a bit reserved, a hesitancy to truly share- or something like that? I tried to put my finger on it in the other thread about this, but couldn't. Yes, the ywbb was very much like the Wild West, but it was raw and rowdy and painfully honest and, well, it had all those years of people sharing their very different experiences. I really miss being able to access all those words. I've tried on here to delve into some of the painful complicated stuff I'm still dealing with in case others might be able to relate, but it just usually ends up feeling kinda flat and unhelpful and pointless. Here's hoping this thread cracks some things open a bit more...

Unfortunately, I cant offer any help, since I'm realizing I have similar issues myself. It's been a little over five years since my husband died. I've been with my boyfriend a little over three years and he's been having heart problems recently. I grieved very hard for my husband that first couple of years. And now...I'm thinking my brain is trying to figure out how to stay semi-detached from both my husband and my boyfriend. I feel like there's something broken inside of me that I'm not ready to fix because it would mean truly feeling the loss of my husband again as well as making me incredibly vulnerable to being hurt by the loss of my boyfriend. I mean, I also realize this is all bullshit because the pain from widowhood leaks out in little ways all the time in addition to the big expected triggers. And staying kinda detached from boyfriend isn't going to be able to lessen the pain of him dropping dead of a heart attack. But apparently my brain is stupid because it continues on with these fruitless endeavors. And yeah- it does affect our relationship. And I just can't seem to get my shit together in Life in general since my husband died. I should add: I'm currently going through menopause and the symptoms for it are also some of the symptoms for grief so sometimes I'm just looking at my behavior/feelings and trying to figure out: is this widowed shit or menopause shit? I've never been to therapy. I know I need it.

The thing about wedding anniversaries is, after that first year, really only you and your spouse remember it. (Maybe your parents/in-laws/children might). That's the delight when you're married- it's a day of celebration for just two; unlike a birthday, that's for one, or a holiday that's for many. It's unique that way. And, while you're married, it's oh so lovely and fabulous to have this special, intimate celebration for two. Then they're gone and for the first time you actually notice it truly is a holiday of two that no one else really pays much attention to unless you tell them. And celebrating a holiday for two when you are now one can feel pretty darn lonely.

A friend from my past life fathered a child with someone who is a supreme button pusher. She likes to keep poking around, looking for that perfect nerve to tap into. When I observed her, she was relentless in her cause and took great satisfaction in driving one to madness. A real soul sucker. In your case, I'm sure her ex getting married really revved those engines up to full gear. There's probably only one way to 'win' with someone of this temperament and it is not easy in the least. Your new husband must find his way to complete detachment in all things where she is concerned. Because these kind of people absolutely thrive on fucking with others and usually have boundless energy for the task. The calmer he is the harder she will push so you probably will need to be his cheerleader on this, which means sucking up all the hateful shit you want to say and do. I'd suggest starting some kinda journal to get it all out...

Apparently, I am pre-disposed to visiting the past as my husband was also a college fling. (and the star of many journal entries). He was NOT marriage material, though he asked me several times. We were in and out of each other's lives for 11 years before reuniting and eventually marrying. We were opposite in so many ways, but could not deny the incredible bond between us... As for my bf- both of his grandmothers were widowed in their 80s and remarried to long ago sweethearts, so I suppose it's in his blood also. I wasn't interested in dating after my husband died so I suppose hanging out as friends with an old fling was probably the only way I'd end up in a relationship. Reading the dating threads on here make me glad I have not had to experience that! (Sorry ;D) makes me feel almost guilty he literally came up onto my porch with no effort from me whatsoever. The lessons I learned in my marriage do make me a better girlfriend. We had an amazing love that was also deeply flawed. It's made grieving...complicated. Being in a relationship seems to have intensified that. Man, there is just so much I wish I could talk to my husband about, including my bf. Yeah. Weird.

According to my college journal, I met my boyfriend 31 years ago today. I read him the entry a couple years back, even though it was ridiculously gushy and girlish- very entertaining; he definitely made an impression on my young heart! Sometimes I sit back and think about the fact that we had to meet and briefly be in each other's lives all those years ago in order for us to be together now, so many years later. It's weird.

Oh, wow. I can't even...I'm sorry you are having such a craptastic time of it.

These words make me weep with so much recognition of my own husband. I don't have any words of wisdom because I don't get it either. Life appears pretty pointless. Some days that knowledge feels like freedom, and other times it just feels way too heavy for me to keep carrying.

My husband held my hand every time we had to cross a street. I suppose some might find that a bit parental, but it made me feel cherished. He was almost a foot taller than me and bf is half a foot taller. The hand-holding experience feels fairly similar but kissing is easier, not so much neck ache issues now.

This thread is cracking me up and making me feel better. When my boyfriend started spending more and more time at my house I could not figure out how to tell him he needed to go home- I mean, I didn't want to hurt his feelings or appear to not enjoy his company, but I needed some alone time already! So...three years later, I've kinda just gotten used to him being around all the damn time. He's worn me down ;D

Been keeping you and your kids in my thoughts this afternoon...thanks for sharing that video, it's been a while since I'd watched it.

Advice for a young man, but also works for a widow: 'So, sweetie, I don't know if we ever figure our lives out, and the people who help you, they might not be who you thought or wanted. They might just be the people who show up.' Dorothea from 20th Century Women

Drinking a glass of Lambrusco for the b-day girl...hope she would have approved!

Ummm...She's acting like a jealous clingy lover instead of a good and solid friend. Wtf?! I can go months without seeing my very closest friends and no one tries to make anyone feel guilty about it because we are all adults. I do have certain friends who get uncomfortable with the dead talk, but I really suck at hiding my feelings so being my friend requires listening to some dead people shit. It's just the price of admission for being in my life.

Sadly, I think the answer is you were the victim of a very predatory male. He wanted to sleep with his best friend's wife- and it sounds like he got some financial benefit out of it also. That he would blame 'falling out of love' with you on the fact that you required complete honesty for all parties involved is just really rich. I wish I could kick that f*cker in the...shins...real hard.

For you history buffs- http://www.radiodiaries.org/last-civil-war-widows/