Wheelerswife

I have been on the career change path for almost 6 years, starting months after Barry died. I left my last job in physical therapy thinking that I would get a similar job after I moved, but, alas, I realized I couldn't physically keep taking care of people any more. I dabbled in school for awhile after I remarried, but it wasn't until after John died over 2 years ago that I finally figured out which path to take. By the time I finally finish my Masters in December, I will have devoted 6 1/2 years to finding my way to what I hope will be a rewarding second career. As for you, I hope you can figure out what will make you happy. One would hope that all of the work we do in our younger years will lead us to a lifelong career and enjoyment of our work, but we are proof that it doesn't necessarily work out the way we envisioned our more "mature" years. Hang in there! Maureen

I don't know if the caregiver in me ever left me. I was a caregiver for my first husband for 18 years and a physical therapist for 26 years. My first husband has been gone over 6 1/2 years. I still tend to be someone who looks out for people, though. I also found that after my first husband died, I had so much time on my hands that I didn't know what to do with myself. I found, though, that the first 4 or 5 months were spent heavily grieving and sad and taking care of me was what I needed to do. I found the precursor to this board and lived on it, too. Hang in there. Hopefully, we all find ourselves again in due time. Maureen

Hello from another who has been widowed twice. I lost my first husband about 6 1/2 years ago after a long decline, also after having been hospitalized for extended periods in the last 16 months of his life. I lost my second husband unexpectedly a little over 2 years ago after a short and adventure-filled marriage. My experiences of my two losses are very different, and although I knew what to expect after losing a spouse, in many ways it still didn't prepare me for the challenge of trying to figure out how to live without my second husband. I already knew how to handle the paperwork and making arrangements. I had much less success in coping with my own broken heart. But...there are people in my life, some of them on here, who have held me up when I was pretty darned low. And it seems like there is only one way to keep living after loss...which is to put one foot in front of the other, however difficult that is in the moment, and to keep breathing one day, or one hour, or one minute, or even just one second at a time if that is all you can handle in the moment. I'm sorry you had to renew your membership to the club that nobody wants to belong to. Maureen

I'm sorry, Jess. Your little furbabies are family. I hope you get some hugs today. Maureen

CW, I had to laugh at this one. Imagine speed dating in Western Kansas. Would anyone show up?? And the only place people speed around here is on the interstate....and our speed limit is already 75. Maureen

Ah, good. I sent you a PM. Once you meet them, you may make individual connections and have more contact than their once a month meetings! Maureen

I know there was a group in the Omaha/Council Bluffs area, but I don't know if they still meet. I will try to contact someone and find out. Maureen

Chrissy, I'm so sorry you so tragically became a member of our club. I know there are a few others here who didn't get very long with their beloved spouses/fiance(e) or young loves. I hope you are finding support amongst your family and friends, but I imagine that not many understand what it is like to lose your love so soon and so young. I hope you find more widow friends here! Hugs, Maureen

Well, the semester is winding down in the next couple of weeks. How is everyone doing? I have finished all of my assignments for my dreaded technology class. Quite honestly, it could have been much more rigorous and I could have learned a lot more. But I have finished the work! Yay! I have one other class (Governance and Finance in Higher Education) and a long paper and a presentation to do before the semester is out. I also need to wind up my practicum and write a long reflection on that, too. But...there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Check in, everyone! We can get through the last weeks! Maureen

SVS, I've spent some time behind closed doors with a counselor myself. I'm also a bit of a control freak, and the lack of control over what happens to me is my biggest anxiety/panic trigger. My experience is that whatever seems to need to come out in a session comes out...and that usually means tears for me first. Often when I scheduled appointments, I didn't know what I needed to talk about, I just knew I needed to talk about SOMETHING. I've never walked out of a session without figuring out what that was. I guess my advice would be to walk in open-minded. You aren't going to solve all of your issues in one session, but you may find that you can articulate them in ways you haven't before, and you might find that your new therapist will validate and support you. Just knowing that you have someone to do that - at least to me - is a big part of the counseling process. I think that most counselors and therapists want to help US figure out how to get through OUR situations and issues. My department at the university is embedded in our counseling center, and although I know that each counselor or therapist has their own preferred approach, none of them get confrontational with people, particularly early on in the process. My counselor has asked me some pointed questions at times when he wanted me to look at something from a different perspective, but he did it in a gentle way. He seems to know when to push me. I have a feeling your most pressing concerns will rise to the top. Try not to worry about preparing...at a visceral level, I think you already know what you need. Hugs, Maureen

Lovely, Rudi...just lovely. Hugs, my friend! Maureen

Hugs to all of you. Maureen

JeanGenie, Fortunately, some people really care about you, but I know it isn't the same as having the love we have lost. I'll be thinking of you this week. I'm trying to figure out if I can pull off getting to the bago in a few weeks. It won't be easy, but I would like to come! Maureen

Hi, Dean47, I'm so sorry you lost your sweet Nicole. You have found a good place, though, with this group of people. We all know the loss you feel, the overwhelming sadness, the questioning, the desire for hope. While everyone has their own timeline and experiences, it has been my experience that it is possible to find a way to be happy again. I've been widowed twice myself. I found incredible happiness with my second husband, yet I still carried my first husband in my heart. Even after the experience of finding a second and really wonderful love, I was crushed when I lost him, too...quite unexpectedly. I was really knocked on my behind with his death and I didn't know how I was going to survive. But...I am doing that, just like everyone else here...one day at a time. I'm starting to get my feet under me again and I have to believe that I, too, can find happiness again. I have known happiness. I want it again. Different people want different things, as you will read here on this board. Some want to find love again. Some do not. I know that I do and I'm starting to feel like it really can happen again. I'm not so sure I am ready yet, but I hope in time I will find great love #3. In the meantime, just keep eating, drinking water, keeping yourself busy if that helps, hang out with your dog and taking advantage of people who get it...like people here. Maureen

Grief is a beast, isn't it? I'm glad you stopped by to post. I get the wind knocked out of me, too, when these days approach. I met my second husband on the day before my birthday and that day just seems to slap me upside the head. That was last weekend. I had an exciting time doing yard work and I bought myself a lawnmower for my birthday. Yay, birthdays! Love is the most important thing in this life...that, and our memories. Today and tomorrow, I hope you can find some good memories of the love you shared with your husband. Maureen

I didn't save very many of my first husband's things, but he didn't have that much, either. I have a couple of boxes with clothes, favorite objects, memories, really. My second husband had a lot more stuff and I think that this summer, which will be 2 1/2 years since he died, I will finally push myself through the sorting process. In the end, I will save what will amount to memories and box them up and hold onto them. I don't think I will ever want to let go of everything, at least if I have any control over it. Best wishes, Maureen

Hi, NicY, Welcome to our board. I'm sorry you had to join us. I lost my second husband very unexpectedly and I was quite shocked by his death. Grief can be so overwhelming and I think our minds have a way of giving us a break from the intensity sometimes. Your walks seem healthy and helpful for you. No matter what we do that helps us escape from the horror of widowhood, it always manages to come back and find us again. Be assured that you are doing nothing wrong and that feeling calmness and positivity is not a bad thing at all. Some day, in the months and then years ahead, you will find a more permanent state in which your anguish is not nearly so intense. For now, think of grief and a roller coaster, with highs and lows and sometimes rapid fluctuations in thought and mood. Meanwhile, keep reading and posting to your heart's content. Hugs, Maureen

I'm going to publicly admit that I agree with Serpico here. (Is that a first??) I didn't have kids in the mix when I married John, but we threw all of our eggs in one basket. I moved into his house and we made it our house. I have some sense of you wanting to preserve some of what Tim had worked for for your sons, Trying. But part of me wonders how you can have a balanced relationship if there is some level of hierarchy with regard to income and resources. I say that having been in two opposite situations in my marriages. In my first marriage, I worked full time and essentially supported my husband (who was disabled). In my second marriage, my husband supported me, for all intents and purposes. But in both marriages, we never considered where the income was coming from. We contributed differently to the relationships, but considered each other equal partners. We made decisions together...at least in areas where we individually cared to have input. Some questions to ponder: Will you always be the sole owner of your home? Will that create inequity between you and NG? There may be other factors here, such as the impact of a lower credit rating that may have occurred for NG with his divorce and other obligations, potentially? I feel like this is prying insensitively and I'm hoping you don't really think I want a response...just questions that you have probably already asked yourself that rise up for me as I read this thread. Hang in there. I'm pulling for you that you will find the solutions that work for you! Maureen

Someone who is willing to be real with me.

Hugs, Alexswife. My heart broke the day you joined the old board. You and Alex have a beautiful love story that ended so tragically. I know that these next days will be heartbreaking for you, but I'm seeing hope in your message, too. I hope that when you are ready, you can find another wonderful man who loves you the way you deserve to be loved. Alex will always be a part of you, like my guys will always be a part of me. Maureen

I'm so sorry for the loss of your mom. I think we have some mechanism that tries to protect us. I was a caregiver to my first husband, and in the end, you do what you have to do. Keeping a distance lets you do difficult things. I have a feeling you will process this loss and your ability to feel will return. Hugs, Maureen

Welcome back. I didn't lose either of my husbands to suicide, but I still wonder what I could have done to recognize my second husband's unknown health issues. I know it isn't the same, but I think it is pretty normal for us to need to reprocess this over and over. Hugs, Maureen

I'm telling myself that I will be purging this summer. UGH! I'm not looking forward to it. John had a lot of things...hundreds of books, tools, academic awards...too much stuff to cope with. Barry, on the other hand, was too weak physically from his neuromuscular disease to be able to use too many things. Somehow, I was able to reduce his life to a couple of boxes. John...not so easy. Hugs...keep what has meaning. Maureen

Thank you First Widow, BrokenHearted2, twistedmensa, kjs1989, Tatianakm and SVS for your kind thoughts. Thank you, Nuggets. I heard from my MIL a little while ago that my niece is on her way home. Family is in the midst of making funeral arrangements. They are trying to have my BIL buried near my husband in the town cemetery and my MIL called for some information. I'm finding myself going back to a different era in my life - the era with my first husband - which is a place I don't revisit all that often. I now live half a continent away from his family and our home together and instead I live in the world of my second husband. Maybe I shouldn't be so surprised to find myself sadder today than I was yesterday. Things are setting in; memories are flooding back. Sigh. Maureen

I got a call from MIL #1 today. My BIL...really ex-husband of DH1's sister, drowned this week in Costa Rica while vacationing with his 29 year old daughter. He leaves 3 sons as well, the youngest are 21 year old twins. My niece is still in Costa Rica having to manage all of the arrangements alone. My SIL drove to the twins' colleges to tell them in person. The boys were close to my husband. We watched them grow up playing sports. Their dad wasn't the best provider, but he really loved his kids and was very involved in their lives. More "kids" without a dad.... Maureen