Wheelerswife

Incredible! I hope she continues on this path to health. Maureen

Yes, Kenneth, we do, in fact lose so many aspects of ourselves, don't we? I know that people say that things get better. I have said it myself. I've lived through things getting better. Yet when I lost my second husband 2 years ago, I still didn't know how I was going to get through it, even though I had personal experience of survival. You aren't alone in how you feel, yet I really understand how alone you do feel, even surrounded by people, some of whom really care about you...and even "surrounded" here by a group of people who share your experience and really care, even though you haven't met them. Being without your spouse...it might as well be that we are the last person on earth sometimes...because it sure feels that way. Hugs, Maureen

Can you send some men to Kansas, CW? Maureen

A social gathering of widow(er)s. The term was coined several years ago as a take-off from the camper Winnebago to Widowbago and shortened to bago. It is a totally made up word not know outside of this site and its predecessor, YWBB.

SVS, I sure hope that they can catch the rapid heart rate on the monitor. As much as you don't want anything to be going on...you know that something is happening, so lets catch it, eh? I can't disagree about getting to the ER and catching the EKG while the rapid heartbeats are happening. And I sure am glad your son decided to ask before putting duct tape on his skin. I don't have any trouble keeping leads on me, but I seem to have a local reaction to the adhesive and I end up with square red blotches for days after I have had any kind of monitoring for procedures or surgery. If they can't find anything with a 24 hour monitor, I believe they can do monitors for longer periods. I hope, for his sake, it doesn't come down to that! Hang in there. I'll be watching for updates. Maureen

Thank you all for your kind thoughts. The student's funeral is today. The university is busing any student that wants to attend to the funeral, which is 3 1/2 hours from school. Some of these students also have science competitions this weekend and administrators have juggled all kinds of arrangements for students to get to everything. I'm on staff for an all-day competition called Destination Imagination tomorrow. We leave this evening, connect with a bus coming from the funeral and head on to our hotel for the night. I have two other graduate students on my team with these teenagers and I know we will have a successful weekend, not only in the competition (no matter how the students perform) but also in continuing to support and debrief the kids we have with us. I'm finding my footing in this whole experience. I spent 26 years in health care and I have faced a multitude of crises over those years and I'm finding that I can function well when the crisis is really about other people. Many of you know that I really struggled to function after my second husband died. Although I have found this week to be sad, overwhelming and stressful, I still have held it together and I haven't devolved into panic. I'm grateful to be maintaining some level of focus and function. I've managed to release some of my angst to a couple of my fellow wids and that is appreciated. I also work within the counseling department at school, so I am surrounded by good people. Students continue to talk with me and my dog, too, who has taken on a therapeutic role with this group of kids this semester. Lets hope the weekend goes well and the kids get some diversion in their competitions. Maureen

Being married was really important to me, and fortunately, it was also important to John. If nothing else, it sure made it easier after he died. The legal aspects and estate issues could be complicated if you aren't married? I would encourage you to keep talking to him. I would hope that he would value the things that you value and he would listen to your feelings and articulate clearly to you what his feelings are as well. To me, when one is in a committed relationship, one owes one's partner good explanations, not ultimatums. Maybe he is not even sure why he feels the way he feels? Best wishes, Maureen

I think it is just a slangish word for widow. We sometimes refer to ourselves as widdas. I think the webmaster here, Lewis, might have been the one to design the logo, initially for a summer bago (get together) that was held for many years in Missouri. Can we confuse you with more jargon? Ask away! And welcome to the board.... Maureen

I have seen some really nicely made birth announcements with photographs embedded in them. Perhaps you can include a few casual photos, including her dad holding her? Perhaps caption the photos for a little story? On (date) Baby's dad and I welcomed her in to the world. She is the light of our lives..... Hugs, Maureen

Thank you, Wifeless. I thought of your story today and paraphrased it for a couple of students who were trying to process what they could have done. They had know he had been stressed, but he seemed happier. Even I had seen him Monday and he seemed happy and laughing with his friends. Thanks again...and hugs to you and Bluebird. Maureen

Thank you, everyone. I didn't have any place to vent some of this angst this morning. I was able to get my co-worker to relieve me on one job so I could go to my other practicum job with these really great students in our high school/college program for students gifted in math and science. I had an appointment scheduled with this student at 3:30 today...I still haven't deleted it and subsequent appointments from my calendar. I watched an amazing team from the university and this program pull together today and support the student's mother and the student's classmates. I'm grateful to be part of this university team. I feel so much for this mother (dad was killed in a house fire about 2 1/2 years ago) knowing she now needs to bury her only child. She now will bring his possessions home and plan a funeral. She must be just stunned. Maureen

He was a bright and quirky 16 year old in our college program for gifted high school juniors and seniors. I didn't see this coming at all. I wish I knew what tormented him so much that he took his life. He had so much potential. His classmates are a mess, especially the one who found him. Thanks for listening. Maureen

I might need to crash your party, but I know the traffic between Kansas and the condo will be bumper-to-bumper that week! Maureen

Maureen opens this thread and thinks.... I'm in the Midwest, too! 8)

I believe that the decision about medication should be between a person and his or her doctor. Some people around you may be seeing signs that they interpret as depression, and you may well be depressed, but you are grieving, which is a very normal process that you are experiencing after the loss of your wife. Friends around us usually aren't qualified to diagnose us or recommend we be medicated. That being said, it can be helpful to talk about how we feel and if your friends are concerned enough about you to be thinking you are depressed, it may be worth seeing a doctor or some type of therapist or counselor experienced in grief. I, too, started experiencing panic attacks right after my second husband's death (but not after losing my first husband). I saw my doctor right away because they were very debilitating and I was going into panic just trying to go to bed every night. I still take one short-acting medication before bedtime every night. I haven't been able to tolerate longer acting medications and medications that impact depression and anxiety because I had very unacceptable side effects from them. I quit trying them and opted for a service dog who intervenes at my earliest signs of anxiety. Overall, my anxiety is under much better control, especially because I can recognize the onset of anxiety much more readily with my dog and I can usually use strategies to shut down some of the anxiety response. It has taken me some time to get to the point where I can function better. I know from (too much) experience that the awful pain from the loss of a spouse becomes softer and it is possible to get back into living again. It may take quite a bit of time, but you have to believe that this will get better. You will always love her and you will always miss her, but it becomes more bearable. Hugs, Maureen

Oh, I would so much like to see all of you! It isn't likely that I can get there. I suppose there is a remote chance I could fly in for the 15th, but that is pretty remote. I will keep this on my radar, but don't make any arrangements because of me. Maureen

SVS, how scary for him! All of you have been through enough! I'm placing a moratorium on all things illness in your house! I hope the next few days fly by quickly and he doesn't have any more episodes! Hugs, Maureen

Good for you! Both of my husbands were IT gurus and I relied on them heavily. The most painful thing I had to do in terms of going through "stuff" was dismantling my first husband's computer, which had fried its motherboard (or so I am told!) I haven't touched John's computers yet...almost 2 years later. It is just too painful. But...I know he prompted me to try to figure some things out for myself, and that has paid off some in the last couple of years. I'm still a bit of a luddite...at least in my university circle, but I HAVE learned and I'm more competent than I was in this arena. Kudos to you. I haven't yet tried to change anything that I have.... Maureen

Hi, Kenneth, Welcome to the family. I'm sorry you had to pay the price of admission to this club that nobody wants to belong to. We get it here. Your wife sounds like an awesome woman and you were the recipient of her love and gifts in your life. You are in the midst of the toughest part of this whole ordeal. You are having to somehow swallow the reality that she is no longer here. How can that be? How can we possibly go on like this? The reality is that we all somehow manage to do it...one day at a time. Life is forever changed, but nobody can take those years you had with your wife away from you. Yesterday should have been my 5th wedding anniversary with my second husband. I can hardly believe that it is the third anniversary that I have commemorated without him. Has it really been over 2 years since he died? How did I get from where you are to today? One day at a time. The best advice for right now is to drink a lot of water, eat when you can, sleep when you can, spend as much time reading and posting here and not to be afraid to connect with others with whom you resonate, especially those close to your time table. They will understand your feelings and experiences the best, as they are also in the same phase of "What the heck??" and "What do I do with all of these thoughts going through my head??" Hang in there, Maureen

It isn't a long weekend for me. And as for Sunday...it will just be another day I work on homework. I have to write an 8-10 page paper. That will keep me occupied. Maureen

...barefoot on the beach in Hawaii, I married my second great love. We had never been happier. Today is my third anniversary without him. Sometimes, it is hard for me to believe that I have survived this long without him. We connected quickly and deeply and we lived life with such gusto. Life can be so incredibly unfair. I'm trying to figure out how to live on without him, but today, I am reduced to tears and anger. It is hard to focus on the beauty of our relationship when I feel my torn heart physically hurting in my chest. He was a beautiful gift. I cherished him and he cherished me. He challenged me to stretch myself, and he was there every step of our time together to support me. I certainly wasn't ready for him to die unexpectedly. How could all of that have ended so abruptly? Maureen

My first husband was Jewish. He also had 2 dates of death, one on the Jewish calendar and one on the Gregorian calendar. After the first couple of years, I dropped the acknowledgement of his death on the Jewish calendar, although his family still acknowledges it. It is bad enough that there is one date of death, eh? Hugs, Maureen

Catnip...it sounds like you have this down...but the Yankees swag? You can do better. Maureen

I have to agree...old folks know what sex is! I worked in long-term care facilities for years. Oh, the things people would say and do!! Maureen

Tatianakm, we don't find this odd at all. Many, many of us come here and read several times a day. It is really common to spend hours on here in the early weeks. I've read this board and its precursor for about 6 1/2 years. Don't feel bad for reading. I used to visit my first husband's grave almost every day. I would stand there and talk to him and tell him about my day. I would tell him how sad I was that I couldn't keep him alive any longer. I told him a lot of things...thankfully nobody overheard my conversations. When I met my second husband, I went there and told him that, too. I'm sorry about your in-laws. Some people's perception of reality just isn't the same as others, eh? You know his truth, and that is what matters. Hugs, Maureen