Wheelerswife

Welcome to our club, Isi13. I'm so sorry you had to join us, but I'm glad you found us. Special days are hard for many of us and I'm not surprised you don't feel like celebrating. I think the important thing to do is to listen to yourself. Know that it won't always be this hard. The pain softens over time. There are several young people here in your age range that I imagine you can find common things on which to connect. So...read to your heart's content, post when you want to and don't be afraid to make friends here. It is good to know you aren't as alone in this ordeal as you may feel. Hugs, Maureen

My family doesn't really get it, and I have been widowed twice. I don't live near them, and I haven't ever relied on them for significant emotional support. My support comes from widow friends and the people who knew my second husband, who died 2 1/2 years ago. I'm the one who remembers my guys, but I don't know if anyone else knows the dates anymore. I'm glad you found us here. It can be a lonely road, but knowing that others understand and are finding their way in life again is a good thing. We get it here. You don't have to pretend for any of us. As far as the crappy things that people say...it sometimes helps to have a good come back line. "It's my fault my wife died? Of course! I was just tired of having her around! I wanted a few years of being miserable by myself!" I worked as a health care professional for 26 years and never saw signs that my husband was in heart failure. His mother wants to blame me, too. Fortunately, she lives far away and I don't have to deal with her anymore. We do the best we can with the resources we have. My husband showed no signs of trouble until his heart went into an arrhythmia while he was sleeping and I wasn't home. You aren't completely alone. Hang in there. Maureen

My first husband was overpaid Social Security Disability shortly after we were married. He ended up going before an Administrative Law Judge who recognized that he hadn't made the error but "should have recognized it." The law judge decided that the overpaid amount would be deducted in $60 increments from his monthly checks. I can't recall how much he was getting from SSDI at the time, but for illustrative purposes, if he was supposed to get $500 a month, he only got $440 for the next few years. We didn't end up feeling the pinch that way. Perhaps you can suggest that the amount is deducted from future payments so you don't have to dish all of the money back? Argue that it was their error, and you were not in a state of mind to attend to the details at the time. Maureen

Letting go...dismantling the life of the one you love so much...so hard. Hugs, Maureen

Hikermom, My first husband Barry went into a deep coma due to really high CO2 levels just a few days before he died. He wasn't expected to wake up, but he did. When his head cleared and everyone left his ICU room that night, we had a talk about his experience. He had absolutely no awareness of anything during that time. It was as if he had just gone to sleep and then woke up. The best thing that came from that experience was that he was no longer afraid of death...or a bad death, as he would likely lapse into a coma again and die in an unconscious state. I've always been grateful that I had the opportunity to have that conversation with him and that he died peacefully. Hugs, Maureen

It is hard to believe that 2 1/2 years ago, my wonderful polarbear went to sleep after a Facetime conversation with me...and he never woke up. I wasn't home. In fact, I was on the east coast to visit family and friends and attend a bago. Polarbear was one of us. I met him through YWBB, the precursor to this site. We just clicked, the two of us, and we dove head first into a new life together. I'm so glad I didn't waste a single moment of that time together. Sometimes, I still can't believe that all of this happened. Today, my heart breaks again as I think about John and that life as I knew it with him. He was such a beautiful man. It was my privilege to have his love for the last 3 years, 9 months and 22 days of his life. I had never been so happy. Maureen

Hi, Ruth, I can't say that I can relate to losing my husbands to violence, but there have been people here in the past who lost a spouse to murder. The two that I can think about are perhaps about 6 years out right now and I don't know if either of them checks in on this forum any more. Still, I'm glad you spoke up about your specific circumstances, a non-legal "marriage", abuse within a relationship, and death with violence, because some people may have experienced these circumstances and they may not feel comfortable speaking up first. Your posts may have several people now realizing that they aren't the only ones who are trying to cope with the emotional ramifications of similar experiences. I'm glad you found us and that you feel comfortable posting about what is on your mind. Maureen

Hugs, Jeannie. I just got home a few hours ago from my east coast trip and I had to do the dreaded walk into the house, knowing he wasn't there. And...the list of chores starts in my head...mowing the lawn, the laundry, picking up sticks in the yard, trying to figure out how to get the AC to kick back on. I figure these things out; I do what I need to do, but I don't want to. I'm giving myself tonight for my pity party, but then, I have to get back in the game. I like BrokenHeart2's tag line. "I don't want it to be his legacy that his death destroyed me. I need to honour his life by rebuilding my life." Sometimes we just suck it up. But by sucking it up, we move one more step into that rebuilt life, right? (Yes, Maureen, believe this!) I'm glad I got to see you at the RI bago! Maureen

I started sleeping on DH1's side of the bed the night he died. I stayed on his side even after getting married to my second DH. I'm still on DH1's side. Maybe I always will be? Maureen

Ruth, you are completely welcome here. I am so sorry for your losses. I hope you feel comfortable here and can express whatever is on your heart and mind. We don't have any rules here for whether or not someone is legally married. There are others who are very young, also. Hugs, Maureen

I hear what you are saying, Dean47, but I don't read this title the same way you are reading it. Reality sets in, sometimes repeatedly, that life as we knew it has changed. It will never be the same that it was. That does not mean it will never be good again. Life can become wonderful again and many of us have experienced just that. Like you said, this is different for everyone. I experienced great joy again after the death of my first husband. Because of that experience and the experience of some widowed friends, I keep hope that in time, I will experience a life full of happiness and good things again. That being said, shock does wear off and we all are left to face the reality that our spouses are really gone from this life we knew and we have to continue to make adjustments to our lives to cope with the changes. Best wishes to you, Maureen

Captains Wife, I'm glad your son enjoyed Rosie. She seemed to really like him, too. I could tell because she reached her paws out to touch him and enjoyed giving him kisses. As for everyone else, it was good to see you all! Thank you for welcoming my friend, too. We will be on our next leg of our trip early tomorrow morning! Hugs all around, Maureen

I'm so sorry. And yes, cancer sucks! Hugs, Maureen

Had to change the locks today. It seems that my spare key that was out in the shed is missing. He was out there....uninvited...while I was at work. Good riddance! Maureen

Thank you to those who were willing to tolerate my whining. BIL is gone! Finally, after three days of him here and packing and loading boxes, he is gone. I still can't believe how much stuff he took. He took more stuff than I plan to keep, that is for sure. He took about 75% of John's books...some of them quite obsolete or of subjects that don't even interest him. But now...I don't have to move them myself. I feel for his daughter, who is going to have to store this stuff at her house in Texas until his brother figures out how to get things up to Alaska. Somehow, I managed to hold my composure the whole three days he was here. He kept crossing boundaries, but not nearly to the degree that he did right after John died. I should be able to sleep tonight and I hopefully won't have anxiety-related chest pain. Now...the basement feels so weird. It feels very empty. When I get back from my upcoming east coast trip, I will get to go through what remains, much of which is my own stuff that I can reduce as well. Thanks again! Maureen

I would like to scream right about now. I have been holding myself together pretty well. John's brother is here from Alaska, packing up and taking some of his brother's possessions that He would like to have. For the most part, I am completely okay with this. I have spent several weeks going through my basement, choosing the things I wish to keep, getting rid of a lot of things, and making piles of things his brother is welcome to have. He arrived late Saturday night and is staying in a hotel, but he doesn't seem to understand that keeping to a schedule might be important if it impacts someone else. He dawdled on his way to town while I basically sat around waiting for him to arrive. That set him back on his schedule (or my schedule for him to be finished). So he has spent the last 2 days and today...in my house packing up mementos from childhood and young adulthood as well as a ton of books that I can't see why he would want. Last night he was tired by 7:00 and he went to his hotel room. I got a call from him about 11:00, just after I was settling down to fall asleep. He was out walking near his hotel. He had had a couple of glasses of wine and decided to go for a walk in the 95+ degree heat and get high. So he was a little drunk and high and dehydrated and overheated. So I got out of bed, got dressed and grabbed a couple bottles of water and went looking for him. He was in a rear parking lot of an empty hotel, leaning against a dumpster. I gave him some water and helped him into my car and drove him back to his hotel. Eventually he cooled off and became more coherent and after 30 minutes, he went to his room. I am so ready for him to be gone. He is one of my biggest anxiety triggers. I had been doing really well with him here, but now I just want him gone. Hopefully he will hit the road to Dallas later this afternoon. Then I can settle back down. Maureen

The second pinned thread at the top has instructions.

I'm sorry he is so troubled right now. I've never had to cope with something like this, but I can try to imagine your fear. I hope he can get the assistance he needs. Hugs, Maureen

Why? That is a question that I asked a lot. Why did my husband have to die when he had so much left to do in his life? Sadly, there is no answer to that question, but over time, it has lost some of its power over me. Hugs to you...all of you so recently widowed. I remember feeling like the pain was never going to lessen. Fortunately, in time, it does. Maureen

I also talk about John a lot, but almost everyone I know here knew him. I think we both talked about our late spouses a LOT when we first met and were talking. Heck, they were a huge part of our lives. After a bit, we started our own story together, but our late spouses were always in the background of our minds. I don't see how that was a problem. I understand that we as widowed folks need to be sensitive to the needs of a date/potential new person in our lives, but at the same time, if that person is so insecure that he/she finds that talking about a late spouse is offensive, perhaps that person isn't cut out to be the next Mr./Ms. Right. So Quixote, the right person will be able to handle the reality that you loved your wife wholeheartedly and will find that quality about you to be very attractive. Maureen

I do believe that some of us grieve in advance of death. In my case, I married my first husband knowing that he had a progressive, genetic neuromuscular disease that could have killed him at any time. His muscles were so weak that he had a completely ineffective cough and at some point in his life, barring anything unforeseen, he was destined to die of respiratory complications of some illness. He outlived his original prognosis (death by age 5) and lived into his 54th year. I knew all along that I could lose him at any time, and we were vigilant in addressing things like colds. I think in many ways, we both grieved his gradual loss of strength and function. The last 16 months of his life were very fragile, as he had become quite critically ill and almost died. We had several talks about death and end-of-life throughout our relationship, including in our first few months of dating. His death came fairly suddenly...he was at his very weak baseline, needing a ventilator at night, when he came down with a cold and deteriorated quickly. He declined aggressive treatment. By this point, his death was predictable. His life was no longer any fun for him. He was completely dependent and he was always afraid. But as I have said before, I was very well prepared for him to die. But...I was not prepared for him to be dead. I went home from the hospital after he died and sat on my bed and the thought that came to me was, "The day I have dreaded for over 18 years has arrived." I could not have anticipated the deep sorrow I felt after he was gone. Sigh. Maureen

Oh, yes, CW! Rosie will be there...and she is very gentle. She will like running around naked (without her cape) and visiting with your son and anyone else who cares to give her some attention! Maureen

SVS, I know how deeply affected you have been with the loss of T. This is a big step for you! I still wear my wedding band on my right hand...and I may always do that. I also wear the small diamond studs that my first husband gave me in the early years of our marriage. I've probably worn them exclusively for 20 years now. I also know of other people who have had wedding and engagement rings transformed into a different piece of jewelry, such as a pendant. I don't know if it feels okay to you to have your rings changed into something else, but it may be something that you or others might want to think about. Jewelry can be so meaningful, especially jewelry that signifies our love with our spouses. Hugs! Maureen

Anger! I had a lot of anger, particularly after the very unexpected death of my second husband. Several years ago, probably within the first year of losing my first husband, a bunch of us who were on YWBB - a website that was the precursor to this one - we had a virtual plate-smashing bago. One evening, we each went outside our homes at a predetermined time and smashed some old plates (some people got them at thrift stores). I was surprised at how cathartic it was to do that, even though I didn't have much anger myself at that point. Solidarity is a good thing, I think. I'm not sure what the neighbors thought, but I didn't care. Hint: Throw a tarp down on the driveway first. It is much easier to pick up the pieces after you smash the plates! I don't think you are a mad asshole. I think you are a deeply grieving man who rightly is angry to have lost such a beautiful wife. Maureen

Thank you, Ian, for resurrecting this post. I went back and read what I had written about my guys and it brought me warm but sad feelings, and that is okay. I'm so sorry you and your little girl had to lose your Jenny. I've read your other posts, too, and I know you are struggling. Please know that your feelings are all pretty normal, although unique to you. Nothing is right in the world when our beautiful love stories are crushed by the death of such wonderful people. I hope you can continue to find solace in reading the words of others who have faced our same kind of loss. Continue posting as well. It may be the only place you can say how you truly feel. Hugs, Maureen