Wheelerswife

Jen, This widowed life is hard, I know. Making changes isn't easy, either. I think one difference between your life and my life is that my career was totally in flux when John died. I had already left my career in health care 3+ years earlier. I had been dabbling in school, on my way to another bachelor's degree, but one that gave me lots of good soft skills, but no real sense of direction. I did what you are doing, which is to put one foot in front of the other each day, and that brought me to finishing that degree. In the mean time, I did a lot of soul searching, and I'm still doing that. I only have to look out for myself, and that is another difference - I understand that. But the bottom line is that I hate being miserable and my anxiety has led me to coming to grips with the fact that I need to exercise as much control over my world as I can. NOT having control (ah, or at least the illusion of control!) is probably my biggest anxiety trigger. So...doing whatever I can to take control of things has reduced my anxiety from panic attack level to "just" chest pain level most of the time. I get the sense that you experience more of a depression-like state than an anxiety state, and I'm not sure of the potential solutions from that perspective. Sometimes, I have real difficulty motivating myself to make moves toward what I need to do. I imagine you feel this paralysis. What makes the difference for me, I suppose, is that in not making a move, big or small, I end up giving away my own power, and that kicks up my anxiety. So...my anxiety wins and ends up being a motivator for me. I've been fortunate to be able to continue school, which I have approached as if it were my job. But...this job ends in December when I get my Masters. And that reality is motivating me to make more moves this summer. I'm cleaning out the basement and going through John's things and that is painful, but necessary. A friend has just arrived to help me with today's chore, which is going through tools. Hang in there. I know it is hard. Hugs, Maureen

Hi, pink-haired Kate! Crazy? Oh, I wish. I went through some of the things that John had in his shop. His friend Paul came by and is going to take much of it for the Maker Space at the university. I hauled more stuff off to Goodwill, and more stuff went to the trash, too. I didn't cry today...just teared up a little when his friend Paul and I talked about him and all they had done together. John and Paul used to play handball together. I gave John's handball gloves to Paul, and he got a little choked up himself. He also took John's Level 1 high power rocket, his favorite style, as they had spent a lot of time teaching rocketry together. Tomorrow, I will go through tools with my friend Steve. My BIL comes in 2 weeks, and I have made good headway with going through stuff before he gets here. So...just how sexy is that? Maureen

http://www.scribblesandcrumbs.com/2015/12/02/i-talk-about-him/ Maureen

Laura, I'm so sorry you lost your wonderful husband. There is so much in your post that many of us can relate with. My husband also died from an arrhythmia...in his sleep...and I wasn't even there. I feel badly that he died alone. It must be so confusing - all of the emotions that you are feeling. But remember this: people do the best they can with the resources that they have. And...nobody can tell how they will react in a situation until they face it themselves. If this had happened at work, who is to say a co-worker would have known what to do? Even those who have training don't always function clearly when the "patient" is someone that is close to them. You did what you could at the time. It is hard when our lives are disrupted so abruptly. It won't be easy to pack your things and move...but others have done it. I imagine you will find that others here who have been in your shoes will chime in when they read your post. I also cannot relate to the sense that there was any higher calling for my husbands. They died. There where physiological problems that led to their deaths. I was particularly angry that my second husband's life ended when he was in his prime and he had so much left to do in this world. We had both been widowed before and found great love together, and it lasted less than 4 years. I'm sorry you did not have enough time with your husband or the chance to have the child(ren) that you wanted. Right now...just keep drinking water, eat when you can, sleep when you can, and take all of the help that you feel comfortable with. Let your family and friends help you get through the upcoming move. Keep coming here to vent and read and find support. As hard as this is, you are going to get through it. All of us have succeeded in breathing through every minute of every day, even when we didn't think we could. Hugs, Maureen

Yes, it is really hard. I felt like this for awhile. Sometimes, my heart goes backwards and this feeling rises up again, but it is less overwhelming. Sometimes, I literally had to check the clock to see if time was truly passing by. Sometimes, I made it through by staring at walls, chatting on Facebook, or reading this board and its predecessor. There is hope, though. I know it because I have lived it once and I hold onto that hope that I will rise out of this misery and find reason to live and love and be happy again. I'm approaching 2 1/2 years since I lost my second great love. I remember when he died that I wondered how I would get to the point where I was counting time in half-years and years, yet here I am. I know you don't want to have to do this, but the only way to do it is to go through it. Reach out to others here if that works for you. I made it through my first loss by spending evenings in the chat room. You will find your way. Hugs, Maureen

Congratulations on your marriage. I did not feel like I was saying goodbye to my first husband when I married my second husband. I had already essentially said goodbye to the life I had had before, but my husband was still a part of my heart. You will feel as you feel, though. I hope that you can accept all the goodness that you have found and embrace it fully! Hugs, Maureen

I just wanted you to know that you were heard. I'm so sorry you lost your wonderful love way too soon. Keep talking. Sometimes this is the only place that feels safe to verbalize all that goes through our heads. Hugs, Maureen

JustK, You sound like you are handling grief pretty normally to me. I'm sorry you had to join our club, but I'm glad you found us. There are several new people here close to your timeframe and on the younger side...20's and 30's, so you have a bit of company. That's a pretty sad reality, I know, but this journey of widowhood seems to be easier to handle when people in your life...even virtual people...walk it with you. So read , post, vent away, ask questions and make yourself at home. Hugs, Maureen

So many thoughts go through our heads in the early weeks and months after the death of our spouses. It really isn't possible that we can survive, is it? Well, yes, it is possible, but our minds can't wrap their heads around it, so to speak. And our hearts...they don't want to even imagine that we can live without the one who was the light of our lives. But we are all proof that we survive this, and it is truly possible to even thrive eventually. I did that once...lost my first husband, went through a period of grief, met a wonderful man and remarried. I was incredibly happy. And then he died, too. Even though I had survived being widowed once, it was and sometimes still is difficult for me to grasp that I will survive again. I want my husband back, too. You aren't the only one. Hugs, Maureen

Hi, alone13, Nope. You don't have to do anything with your rings that you don't want to do! If you want to wear them, then wear them! I wear my wedding band on my right ring finger. I may always wear it. I don't know right now. When I lost my first husband, I moved my rings to my right hand on New Year's Eve, 3 1/2 months after he died, and I took them off all together another 2 months later. I don't quite remember exactly when I moved my wedding band (I didn't have an engagement ring) after my second husband died, but I'm still wearing it after almost 2 1/2 years. So...you get to choose when and if you want to move or remove your rings. Don't let anyone pressure you into doing something because they think it is what you should do. Hugs...and welcome to Widda. Maureen

AubreeAnn...vent away, sister! There aren't many places in our lives where we can vent honestly. As far as these people who knew your love....they really don't understand your level of loss and they can't if they haven't experienced the death of their beloved. Each of them believes what they do...and in particular that ex-girlfriend. People create their own version of reality, and whether or not it reflects the true relationship is a different story. You knew your love best and you knew his feelings toward her. She was an ex for a reason, I assume. You were the person he was with when he died. You were the person he loved. Just remember that. We understand your suffering. That's the beauty of this place. You can vent here and people will listen and you will be heard, even if you don't find this understanding in your real life. Hugs, Maureen

What kind of whine would you like? I don't like it when people cross my boundaries, either. My reaction is more anxiety than anger, but I get it. I feel like I spend a lot of energy protecting myself, because the anxiety just isn't worth it. On some level, I think I'm letting go of the need for control of what other people do or say. But still...I'm sorry you are facing the demands of others all at the same time. Hang in there! Maureen

Kate, Your closet doesn't end up half empty. You begin retail therapy and that fills it up pretty easily. Somehow, I just found ways to fill up spaces. I now have plants that fill up space in my dining room. And there are piles of paper on other surfaces. It's hard, isn't it? Now I am trying to get rid of stuff, but it took me over 2 years to get to this point. It didn't take me nearly that much time after my first husband died, though. It's all different. Hugs, Maureen

Sandrine, Sometimes it is very hard to comprehend that they are truly gone. Some days, I still plead with my husband to come back. I really miss him, but I also know that I have to figure out how to keep living without him. That takes time and on many days, I find myself living well, but on others, I still struggle. Be kind to yourself. This is all so new to you and your mind and heart have not wrapped themselves around the reality that he is gone. Big hugs! Maureen

Third summer without John here. The first 2 summers I just picked up and started driving. I spent the whole summers on the move, visiting people and other places. I just couldn't bear being in my house without him and without school to keep me occupied. This summer, I'm working a part-time practicum and spending a lot of time alone at home. I guess it needs to be done. I'm making progress on all of the stuff that is here. Maureen

I would like Shirley!

Yes, Donna, this is so true. I appreciate the support of my friends here. I just don't think many people in my real life would understand the complexity of this kind of task. I hope to whittle down my own possessions in the process...more so after I finish with John's brother, because I hope to never leave this much stuff behind for someone else to have to go through. At the same time, I feel as though I can honor him in the process, protect his privacy, and put his property to the best use possible, all while savoring the memories I had with him. I continue to realize the enormous impact he had on me in our brief but intense time together. I'm still breathing, and although I haven't cried, I've been close to tears all weekend. Sigh. Maureen

Oh, I so relate! This is my summer project, but much needs to happen in the next few weeks, since his brother is coming from Alaska and I want to give him some of John's things. I just don't want him choosing to go through things I don't think John would want him to see or have. My sense is that I will sell my house and move in less than a year, so the more I get done this summer...when I truly have the time...the better. I'm also offloading some things I kept when I moved here. I got rid of so much before...and now more. I don't need so much stuff. Some day, someone will have to go through my crap, too. I don't wish this on anyone. TooSoon...I've seen some of those sculptures. I don't know what I would do with them! Maureen

My counselor has always been very supportive. I think that he has felt that his job was more to get me to express what was going on in my head and to offer encouragement for me to address my grief in healthy ways. When your counselor tells you not to feel guilty, she denies how you feel. It would make sense to me for your counselor to get you to explain why you might feel that way and perhaps that might help you understand that feeling. Of course it is unacceptable that he died at 32! It was unacceptable that my husband died in the prime of his career, with so much left for him to accomplish in his life. Eventually, we have no choice but to integrate this reality into our minds, but you are only a few weeks from his death, and your mind hasn't wrapped itself around the truth yet. And as far as I can see, I think it is normal to want to even scream about the unfairness of it all and not being able to yet believe it is true. Maybe you need a different counselor. Hugs, Maureen

Sandrine, Going back to work was very hard for me, too, especially after my first husband died. I was back in school when my second husband died, just part time, and that gave me a lot of space to be with people for short periods and then go home. Sometimes we need to choose to take care of ourselves. I don't know if it is possible for you to hire an assistant for a while to manage the phone calls and help you stay organized so that you don't have to face everything all the time. Perhaps you can have a personal conversation with your partner in the practice about how the death of a spouse is a huge stressor in someone's life and you need more time to grieve and get back to functioning better. Some people do find that work gets to be a good distraction from the pain. I hope you can find a balance between the need to work and the real need to take care of your broken heart. Hugs, Maureen

I've made it my summer project to go through the things in my basement, most of which belonged to my second husband and his late wife. My BIL will be here in a few weeks and I will be giving him some of my husband's things, particularly those from the decades before I knew him. I want to go through those things before my BIL gets here, so I get the chance to set aside what I want to keep and I will know what he will be rummaging through. My husband kept a lot of things. He seems to have a paper trail of his entire life. I've found things from grade school report cards to every single card and letter he ever received. He even saved drafts of letters he sent people. He was a very articulate man, and words meant everything to him. He chose his words carefully, even in the midst of conversation. I've been reading through letters from his first sweetheart, a girl also named Maureen. He had spoken of her to me, but I didn't know he had saved her letters. I found a box where, in manila envelopes, he had saved correspondence, receipts, news articles, and occasional photos from all of the significant relationships in his life. We met when I was in my late 40's and he was in his early 50's. He pretty much gave me his life history in our early conversations, even before we met in person. I knew about his "interesting" late teens, his disillusionment with the world around him, his affiliation with others who were experimenting with every hallucinogen they could get their hands on, his disappearance to work for a carnival to escape his overbearing mother. But throughout all of that time, he still cultivated deep relationships with people, much of which is catalogued in the letters I have found. From that point, he went on to have other significant relationships, a long-time girlfriend who broke his heart by cheating on him in grad school, his first wife, interests in other women after his divorce, his second wife, and then his marriage with me. His best friends have told me that they liked how John had changed when he met me. He was finally happy, they say. Why then, did we have so little time together?? Today, I am going to burn much of what I have come across. Although I don't think he would mind that I went back and read his history, I don't think that his thoughts would be something that he would want his brother seeing. Of course, I will give his brother anything related to his family. I can't carry all of this with me physically as my life moves forward, but reading all of these notes, cards and letters has reinforced to me what a truly beautiful man he was. He was a one-of-a-kind, an old soul, one who made the world a better place in big ways and in small ways. I don't know why it was that I only had him in my life for less than 4 years, but his impact has been huge. Thank you, baby, for giving me so much. Maureen

Hugs...these days are so hard...leading up to anniversaries. Sometimes, all I can do is keep breathing. Maureen

Kate, I can completely relate to your experiences of reliving those last moments of your husband. I think this is very, very common, and in my experiences, quite repetitive. I have been through this twice, and at any time, I can pull up the tape-loop of the times surrounding both of my husbands' deaths. Those images were strong for awhile...and I relived them in full technicolor at the time of the anniversaries of their deaths...at least for the first couple of years. I've found that they tend to soften, but still, I can recall them. In a way, they are a reminder to me that I won't forget them, even though my life continues to go on after their lives so sadly ended. I'm no expert on the psychology of these relived experiences, but I think that they had such a strong emotional component that they are embedded into our memory through different pathways, and I think this keeps those memories more vivid. As far as your side note...yeah. I get that, too. A couple of nights ago, I gave one of John's guitars to his friend and colleague. They used to enjoy jamming together. It has been 2 years and 4 months since my second husband died, and we were talking about just that. Wasn't he just here? Yet so much has transpired since he died. Sometimes it really hurts that I am moving further from the times we had together. Hugs, Maureen

Personally, I think that disclosure of significant limitations is a matter of honesty. I know that I will eventually ask someone to take on my risks, but I will be up front about those that I know. I don't know just what I will be willing to risk or accommodate to in a new relationship, but we all deserve openness from the start. My first husband never walked a day in his life. He was a great guy. But...I don't know that I could take on that kind of risk again, knowingly. I don't think that makes me shallow. Maureen

I'm just back from seeing my oncologist. My tests/scans are again clear...no evidence of disease. It has been 27 months since my cancer was found and removed through surgery. That was just 6 weeks after my second husband died. My oncologist is a great lady, in her late 30's, and understands from daily experiences and encounters with cancer patients just what is important in life. She isn't the one who had to tell me I had a rare and aggressive tumor, but she is the one who sat there while I struggled to just breathe as she outlined the options I had for treatment. She empathized with me when I told her I didn't want the option of chemotherapy, even though it was possible that tumor cells were left behind. She saw my anxiety and the panic in my eyes and she was incredibly gentle with me. From the beginning, she encouraged me not to focus on the worst case scenario. I asked her, probably three or six months later on a return visit...how do I live with this? She told me to live like I didn't have cancer and to leave the worrying up to her. I never really told her I didn't know how to live having lost my second husband, but I know she knew that was a part of my question. I have to travel 800 miles to get to my oncologist...I need someone who knows my rare cancer...and I saw her every 3 months for awhile, then every 4 months, and I last saw her in January. Each time, I spend a day flying to get there, another day undergoing tests, and then I see her the following day. Each time, she has been able to tell me that my scans show no sign of recurrent disease. That is a short conversation. Then, she wants to talk about how I am doing. She is honestly interested. She remembers everything. She asks for an update on my anxiety and coping, my schooling, my summer plans, my slow and gradual return amongst the living. When I first met her, I had a year to go on a second Bachelor's degree and I didn't have a sense of direction for a second career. Since then, I've completed that Bachelor's degree and 3 semesters of a Master's degree. I've spent 2 summers traveling the US. At this point, I have just one semester to go and I will check in with her in 6 months, just as I finish my final projects for this degree. It is interesting to see how far I have come through her eyes. It has been a scary walk...or trudge...losing my second husband and facing my own mortality at the same time. I still hurt. I still face anxiety. I'm still afraid, sometimes, that the rug will be pulled out again. My chest aches just writing this. But I know that there really isn't much choice for me. How do I live with this? I have to live like I don't have cancer...or that will eat me alive. I also have to live with the attitude that I can be happy again, and that I will be successful in a new career, and that I will find love again, too. It isn't necessarily easy...and there are no guarantees, but I guess I don't know how else to do this. I have to have hope, and my oncologist helps me feel hopeful. Maureen