Wheelerswife

Hi, AubreeAnn, Fortunately, you don't seem to have to make this decision right now. You are facing grief and trying to just put one foot in front of the other. If I were in your shoes...and with the wisdom that comes from living 30 years more than you have and having been widowed twice...I'd slow down with making plans and take advantage of time to make a decision. You don't know what you will be feeling in another year. I've found that it has been hard for me to re-start my life while staying in the places where I lived with my husbands. I've spent the last 2 1/2 years getting more education to start a new career, but in another 6 months or so, I'm most likely going to make a big move again. I cant live my own life in the shadow of my late husband. Hang in there and resist the pressures of others to make decisions. You can certainly let his dad know that you appreciate the offer and the opportunity to take several months to determine what you want to do. Hugs, Maureen

I wish I knew some of the answers. I found myself much more stable after I lost my first husband than I was after I lost my second husband. I tend to be pretty decisive. After I met John, I made decisions to change my life and I acted on them. I made good decisions for myself. I was even open to a lot of uncertainty. It hasn't been nearly as easy since John died. I want to be decisive, but I can't find many answers. Maybe some of the difference is that I wasn't in any way expecting to have my life turned upside down this time. Change is coming, but I really don't even know what to expect...other than change. I'm holding on for the ride, even though I don't really know where I'm going. Hugs to all of you, Maureen

This reminds me of a friend who used to do her laundry at her parents' house. They fed her dinner once a week and let her do laundry, but they charged her by the load. They saved the money and when my friend finally moved to a place with washer/dryer hookups, her parents bought her a washer and dryer. I thought that was pretty cool. Maureen

Today's triggers: I moved 12 bins of art supplies from the basement to the front door. Tomorrow, they get donated to a local art teacher. Why is this triggering me?? They belonged to John's late wife...and I never even knew her. I attended our local Science Cafe. Topic: The Orion space mission to Mars. John was a huge space science nerd and we enjoyed attending Science Cafe's together. He was the first presenter at the local Cafe when it first started several years ago and he presented probably a half a dozen topics, some on space and some on climate science. Then the host - a good friend of John's - mentions the time that the two of them went to the Kennedy Space Center for a Space Shuttle launch...but the launch was delayed...until the day after they left. John's brother arrives in about 48 hours. He is going to sift through a lot of his brother's things. Having him here is enough to trigger a panic attack in and of itself. Deep breaths. That's what I keep telling myself. Maureen

Hugs, Captains wife. I'm in the middle of a summer's-long trigger right now, too. I'm going through John's possessions, and his brother will be here in just a couple of days. I'm looking forward to a break in another week...and a bago, but being back in Connecticut might just end up being another trigger from another past life. Fortunately, I expect to see some good people and sit around a fire pit...and then there is my ever-present dog who smooths things over for me. Anniversary times are always hard, as well as other life cycle events, such at little John's move on to kindergarten. Hug you soon! Maureen

DonnaP, I don't think this one ends until the fire goes out. Maureen

Bump. I figure we could use something that lets us see their wonderful faces. later i will go back and figure out why my pictures disappeared...so not tech savvy here.... Maureen

It isn't all that matters, serpico. It isn't okay to inflict injury on someone who is hurting and vulnerable. The reality is that Portside knows that what he says is going to bite and he does it anyway. When people come here because it is a place where they can be vulnerable, and someone kicks them in the groin when they are down, that ends up leaving a person even more isolated than they were already. There are plenty of people in our lives making us feel inadequate enough. ArtLovingDad didn't need a fellow brother to tell him he might just ruin his kid. If you had had the chance to read ArtLovingDad's post, you would realize that he is doing a great job at parenting, even though he had been through the hell of losing his wife to dementia before she hit 40, without ever being able to care for the son that she wanted. Portside's version of "suck it up" caring obviously wasn't the answer to this grieving parent's problems. It was cruel and uncalled for. Maureen

I'm sorry this wasn't a safe place for you, ALD. Maureen

ALD, You are courageous to admit your weakness. I don't know if saying it here will help you to figure out how to be more present to your son. I'm not a parent and I don't know if I could have been a good mother. I worried about re-creating the critical parents that I had. I'm sending hugs...I don't know what good they might do, but I want to acknowledge that you were heard and I'm sorry that your wife had to end up with early-onset dementia and not be available to parent the child she wanted. And if your son is the child you describe, somehow, you are figuring out how to be his father. Maureen

I relate to so much of your last post. I don't often speak about it these days, but I also lost myself in caring for Barry, especially the last 16 months of his life, but also in small pieces for much of our marriage as he slowly and almost imperceptibly declined over the years. My marriage to John gave me the room to begin finding myself again. I had lost so much of myself with Barry that even 3-4 years later, I still hadn't come full circle in figuring out what was to come next for my own life outside of our relationship. Caregiving is really hard, but also something that on some level was a privilege, at least for me. I've never had a child to care for as you have, but I have some sense of the sacrifice that parents make in caring for someone who is vulnerable and dependent. As for the sculptures, Scott chose a model that was very dear to his heart! His work was as large as life. I'm glad the photos capture him in something more two dimensional and easier to store and/or display. But like you, I can't and don't want to keep everything. I'm happy to have John's journaling, although it would have been nice if he could have actually finished one journal and not just written 10 pages in one before setting it aside, and then later starting a new one! I also have our entire time together captured in photographs that are stored digitally. I have let go of his tools and soon I will let go of 95% of his books. I will leave this house and this town and this university behind and try to start a new life somewhere else. Time will tell where that place might be. I never wanted to have to do this. Maureen

Ah, TooSoon, I'm not surprised about the sculptures. They are very direct representations of much of who Scott was. I am having difficulty trying to sift through some of John's handwritten notes and journals because they also capture so much of his essence. I found one yesterday in which he ponders the suffering that he saw when we traveled to Peru. He was trying to figure out how he, as a geographer, could analyze satellite images such that he could identify patterns within the landscape and determine how things such as public policies contributed to creating conditions that promote suffering. Our travel to Peru caused him to change the trajectory of his secondary research. Ah! This man should never have died in the prime of his life! Hang in there. One sculpture at at time. Let others have pieces of him, even though they are very personal on more levels than most can understand. Hugs, Maureen

I can imagine how heavy those sculptures are... and also how fragile they might be, too. It sure does mess with the head, though, to be moving them from the places they have sat for the last few years. Dismantling a life...so hard. Hugs, Maureen

I'm sorry, DragonTears. I'm glad you found that you could come here to tell us. My first husband survived two bouts with this cardiomyopathy known colloquially as Broken Heart Syndrome in the last 16 months of his life, so I understand a bit of what she was facing. I still have my mother with me, so I don't know the pain of that loss, but I send you hugs as you say goodbye to your mom. I hope you can come back in the future if you need a place to find support. More hugs, Maureen

I am also going through my basement. Over the last week, I emptied John's shop, including tools and hardware, and a brand new storage cabinet and workbench that we bought and assembled together 6 months before he died. I disassembled the workbench with a friend, carried everything out to his truck and then re-assembled it in the garage of his family farm. At least I know that things are going to good places, but I still recoil after each phase of this process and I shed tears over what was supposed to be. I resent that the new life we were building ended so soon and so abruptly and that I need to start all over again. Next weekend, his brother arrives from Alaska. He is going to take the things that John had saved from their childhood and other things that relate to their family and the years that were long before me. I don't want or need those things, but they are still parts of him that I will let go of. Next will be his books. I have some connections to people at the university that will take his books for a book sale that will fund trips to conferences for English majors. All of this purging will bring me closer to the time when I will sell this house and move away from the place I came not even 6 years ago to begin a new chapter in my life. I wish I had been able to write this book of my life with a different ending. I didn't want this chapter to ever end. Maureen Edited to add...sorry for the hijack.

I feel this way sometimes and it has been almost 7 years since I lost my first husband and 2 1/2 years since I lost my second husband. I have my moments when I wonder if I will be able to get out of the funk. My version of funk involves wasting a lot of time staring at a computer screen and anything to procrastinate from getting something done. If it weren't for deadlines, I'm not really sure what I would accomplish. You seem to be able to accomplish things, but the emptiness, that loss of human connection to someone who is your life partner, for you it started before Sara died. Ah...and it persists? It certainly does for me. I think time helps. I want to get to a place in my life where I'm not just going through the motions. I want happiness again. In the meantime, I guess I just have to keep hoping that each day brings me closer to readiness. Hugs, Maureen

Hugs to you, Mrs. Tim. I want you to know that I read every word. My relationships with my first in-laws became more strained as time went on. They were definitely more distant after I met my second husband. My MIL didn't want to meet my second husband at first, and we were married for over a year before she agreed to meet him on neutral turf. I was with her son for over 18 years, and although I know she wanted me to be happy, it was hard for her to see me trying to live my life while her son was no longer here living his life. I think on some level there was a need to let go of some of what I had in my past in order to be able to live my present. I think I was able to do that, partially because I moved quite a distance from the home where I lived with my first husband. I'm now into "round 2" of widowhood and I find myself challenged to try to live in the present and to plan for the future because I am still very much connected to the place that belonged to my second husband. Here, it isn't about his family (that I'd gladly let go of) but of his colleagues and the university environment where he taught. As much as I don't want to let go of him and our memories and the life we were building here, I am finding I don't have much choice. Some of that environment is drifting away from me (quite naturally, I think) and I know I can't continue to grow if I stay in the shadow of these people. You are getting married soon. It is time to embrace the new life you have ahead of you. I assure you that you will keep Tim in your heart, as I keep Barry and John. Perhaps it is because I have moved many times in my life and large distances at that, but I have learned that in life, I have been able to let go of some people, but the ones who matter most will be there in the long run. Perhaps G and P will be some of those people, but it isn't necessarily possible to know right now. But they are not your only connection to Tim. Tim has left his mark on your heart and mind and soul and you don't have to have G and P or your MIL or his grandmother to validate that connection. But it does hurt to have people distance themselves. I know that too well. Embrace your new life. Love your husband-to-be with all you have. Congratulations on your upcoming marriage. Hugs, Maureen

I will ask DonnaP to check the board and respond to you.

I will ask DonnaP to check the board and respond to you.

Hi, Catnip. These days can be so melancholy, eh? I would do it all over, too, but still, I feel so wistful on days like anniversaries. It is good that we have known great love in our lives. I just wish we weren't left for so long without our loves with us. Hugs, Maureen

Johannus, Welcome to this online community. I'm so sorry you lost your wife and the mother to your children. We do have some other young fathers amongst us, although they are many fewer than young mothers, but you can still find common experiences with others here. Widowhood, especially for younger people, can really be a lonely place, as you have experienced. I have gained much from the camaraderie with others in similar positions. It helps to know that we aren't the only ones in this situation. I hope you can get some reinforcement with others who are struggling to raise very young children having been a caregiver, and then being left to grieve and take care of children at the same time. Hugs, Maureen

I'm sorry for your loss and your daughter's loss. I hope you can find the words to help your daughter understand. Hugs, Maureen

Today would have been my 24th anniversary with my first husband Barry. It is the 7th anniversary without him. I think of him often, but I don't speak of him nearly as much as my second husband John. Most people in my life never met my first husband. I moved half way across the country after he died, and very few of our old friends kept contact, most drifting away in the first months after he died. So far today, I haven't been plagued with the typical flashbacks to our last 2 anniversaries when he was alive. Both of those anniversaries found us camped out in ICU's, with him critically ill. I'm not sure if I'm just so mentally tired from working on going through my second husband's tools and his shop this weekend that I have distanced myself from memories that go back more years...memories that have lost some of their bite. It is all kind of confusing. This seems to be a summer of mourning again, just in a different way than the last 2 summers. I've been changed so much by death. I don't even know what normal is anymore. Thanks for listening. Maureen

Another weekend of purging has passed. This weekend, I started tackling John's shop/office in the basement. He spent a lot of time in this space, and it has been the most difficult space for me to touch. I went through most of his hardware and tools. The hardware will go to his best friend on campus, another professor who oversees the Maker Space we have where students and community members can come to work on projects of all kinds. I also gave John's handball gloves to his friend Paul, as they used to play nearly every day on campus. My friend Steve helped me sort through a lot of tools, deciding which would go with Steve, which to the Maker Space, and which will go top the local Habitat for Humanity Re-Store. I also saved some and a rolling toolbox for myself. Shelves will go to the Maker Space, and a brand new storage cabinet and workbench will go to my friend Steve. I started looking at the things on John's desk, but I stopped when that got overwhelming. I did find and read the journal John started on the plane when we were heading to Hawaii to get married. It was really sweet reading his words over that trip. He stopped writing the day we got married. Oh, how I wish I had more from the hours and days that followed, but I suppose he was busy giving his attention to me. None-the-less, I'm happy to have his thoughts from 5 years ago. I'm getting there. Maureen

What a sweet memory! Maureen