Wheelerswife

My first husband died almost 7 years ago. He never had a smart phone. He had a genetic neuromuscular disease and was really weak physically. Nothing he tried at the end of his life gave him acceptable access to his computer. He could have used a smart phone, even with his hand and finger weakness. That would have made his world in many ways. He was a strong extrovert and loved to communicate with people. My second husband never got to use the back yard he designed, including a post to mount his telescope. The extensive landscaping, patio, walkways, walls, grasses and other native plants were finished by the contractor at the end of November. Our furniture arrived in December when he was away at a conference. I joined him in California and we spent more time out there. We came home December 22. We sat outside in the cold the next night for a few minutes together, and the next day we were off to Wisconsin. We never went out there again. He died unexpectedly on January 11th. I've looked at that yard for 2 1/2 years and it only makes me sad. Maureen

Karin_a, I'm sorry that you have had to join us. Never worry about rambling here. We understand. I'm sorry that you have to listen to people telling you things you can't possibly understand right now. You are in pain. Your soul aches for the man you wanted to marry. You can't believe that the world just goes on when your life as you knew it just stopped. Everything you are experiencing is very normal. I'm sorry that your innocence was taken away from you too young, too. In time, this pain will ease, yes. But right now, it is hard to believe that anything can ever be right in the world. Be kind to yourself. Allow yourself to grieve in your own time. Keep coming here and venting away. Hugs, Maureen

I've done a fair amount of domestic travel since my husband died. Travel is my drug of choice. Everything is new; everything changes. I'm not as stuck in my rut as I am at home. I have tried to find a balance of being alone and visiting people I know. I've come to know a bunch of widows and widowers over time and I've had the pleasure of meeting up with some in my travels. Still...my best travel partner was my husband, and it hurts me to visit places he wanted to see...and places I would have preferred to see with him. Sigh. Maureen

Hugs, Wifeless. Thank you for your contributions to this board and its predecessor. You have been willing to be open with the experience of losing your wife and that has touched many people. I will always remember how you were there for me, too, when I lost John. Maureen

Oh, Leslie! I am so very sorry for this terrible loss! I wish there were words that could take away this pain, but we know there aren't any. My heart goes out to you and your daughter and this baby 's daddy as well. Hugs, Maureen

Okay, Rob, your post brought tears to my eyes. I know you are a caring person and have all that one needs to be a great friend. I'm glad you got the response you received from these people! I know that it is hard to reach out to others. I had so much support after John died and I know that people still care about me, but we don't see each other like we did. Maybe I need to get brave, too, and let people know what I need. Thanks for the push. Maureen

...where are you? Today is the first day of my last semester in school. I feel like I should take one of those back to school photos that people take of their kids! In December, I graduate with my MSE in Higher Education Student Affairs. This will be a second career for me. I have a lot to accomplish in the next 16 weeks, and as always, it feels really overwhelming. But just like everything else we have to accomplish, I have to do this one day at a time. Who else is out there? Anyone else in school this fall or in the process of a career change? Maureen

Sandrine, If I was you, I would consider taking the personal things that are very important to you and to your relationship with your bear and storing them in a safe place. Those things that he had before you and that really were not a part of you and your bear...perhaps you should just give them to his family. If there are items that they want and you cannot part with them, tell his family you are not ready to let go. My situation is somewhat different from yours. I was married to my second husband, but we had less than 4 years together. There are many things that my husband's brother wanted. I told him to make me a list, and when I was ready to go through my husband's things, I would make sure he got the items that he wanted if I chose not to keep them. It took me 2 1/2 years to be ready, but his brother got almost everything he asked for and much more. My BIL seems satisfied with how this worked out. Your bear's family grieves their own loss and in their own minds, they were family to him. My first husband's mother told me several times that losing your child is harder than losing your spouse. In her mind, this was the absolute truth. It hurt me each time she said this, until finally one day I stopped her and told her that they were two different things and we were both grieving and it didn't have to be a competition. That made her think somewhat differently. As much as you may know that your bear was not taken care of so well by his family and that he had the best years of his life with you, they see things from their own eyes. They have lost their son and they grieve. They want to hold on to their memories of him, just as you do. They may not be able to understand your bond with him and how you were the most important family to him. You know this. You were the person he chose to live his life with. I wish that I could tell you how to address this situation easily, but it is not easy. Sometimes we have to find our voices and try to gently tell people that their words and actions hurt us. You may need to tell his mother and stepfather that you continue to grieve heavily (just as they do) and you are not yet able to consider letting go of his property. Assure them that you will not throw anything away, and that, in time, you will consider their requests. I imagine that in the future, you will be more ready to give them some of what they want. Hugs, Maureen

geminigirl, I'm sorry you had to join us. Yes...life is unfair and you have every right to feel mad. My first reaction to my second husband's death was anger, too. He should not have died. He had too much more to do in his life. I don't have a young widow/widower support group where I live now, either. But this place is here...and you are now amongst people who get it. Someone somewhere will relate to the same kinds of experiences and feelings that you have. I hope that you will find connection to some others here who are in the same time frame or who face similar struggles. For you...and for others who have recently joined...don't be afraid to reach out to any of us if you feel the urge. There is a lot of experience here on this board, and different perspectives as well. Keep breathing and drinking water and sleeping as well as you can. Post to your heart's content. We get it. Hugs, Maureen

These days are hard, and sometimes the days leading up to important dates are very hard. Know that as painful as it is, you will get through it. We all have. Some people find it helpful to do something to commemorate anniversaries and birthdays. Sometimes, it's helpful to just have something to do. I have two sets of dates now. As hard as they are, they do get easier over time. Hugs, Maureen

I remember the decision to make a significant life change by leaving my job and selling my house and moving half way across the country to be with my polarbear. It was scary, yet exciting, full of hope, yet also full of uncertainty. Our love was young - very young - but intense, and we wanted so badly to be together. It was the love and respect that we had for each other that brought us both through the transition. I know your love is strong and you have the utmost respect for each other. Settling into life together will help smooth out the roller coaster you have been on. You may have some mountains to climb yet, but you can take them together and have the comfort of each others presence to manage the challenges you might face. Hang on, my friend. Hang on. XO, Maureen

Life will never be the same. I just hope I will be happy again. Maureen

I have enjoyed watching this happen! Hugs to all of you! I want to go to your neck of the woods and see you all again! Maureen

Wish I could come! Maureen

I have been widowed twice. I had my first husband for over 18 years total, 17+ married. I met my second husband, a widower, 6 months later. Although my first marriage was good, my husband was disabled with a progressive neuromuscular disease. He needed more assistance in his later years and his needs trumped my own at that point. My second husband was a very different kind of person. We fell in love very quickly and had an intense relationship. Together, we had a very different relationship within which more of my needs were met. Being widowed, we also had some extra appreciation for what mattered in life. Quite honestly, both of us had never been happier. He died very unexpectedly in his sleep less that 4 years after we met, and after less than 3 years of being married. Was it harder to cope with? For me, absolutely. I developed significant panic and anxiety. The death of my second husband really knocked me to my knees. 2 1/2 years later, the impact of my second husband's death is still significant, but I have been able to finish the degree I was working on when he died and I finish a Master's degree in December. I can't say I am thriving yet, but I hope that in another year's time I will look back at where I am now and my life will be happier and more fulfilling. I'm grateful to have had my second husband in my life. I definitely have no regrets. He opened my eyes to a whole different world and many, many opportunities. I am grateful to him and I cherish every moment of the time we had together. Maureen

You have been on my mind. I know first hand how scary cancer can be. I've been to all but my first oncology appointments by myself. (I went to my first oncologist with a fellow wid from out-of-state who drove to be with me. Yeah...that's how great wids can be!) Your mom needs you and you know it. Hugs to you and to your selfless sons. Maureen

I'm sorry all of this is landing on you. Your sister just isn't able to gain perspective. You have compassion for your mom and you will be there for her. I hope that all goes well for everyone else. Your sons were raised by good parents! Maureen

Trying, I know that if you looked at this from the outside, you would know that it isn't too much to ask your sister to go help your mother. Of course, being on the inside, that is easier said than done. What would happen if you told your sister you just couldn't do it? You need her to pick up some of the slack for you. #2 son deserves to have his mother with him if it is possible at his college orientation. These days, there are sessions for parents, too, and you deserve the opportunity to get informed yourself about his school's policies and the like. It sounds to me like if your sister went back on Mom duty, all this could work out. I know it is hard, but I hope you can assert yourself here! Maureen

As far as we are concerned, you can consider yourself widowed. The rest of the world won't understand that. All you can say is that your fiancé died. I know it doesn't render itself to the same consideration that widows get. Your loss should still be recognized. I'm sorry you don't get the support you deserve. Maureen

I continue this process...going through bins and boxes. I'm actually getting close to being done with the first pass through everything. I set aside some things that required more thought, time and mental energy, and I do have to go back to that stuff, but I have made major headway. Today, I went through most of the stuff that I still had left that I had carried with me when I moved to be with John. Over time, even shortly after I moved here, I let go of more stuff. Why did I need that set of china that was really DH1's with his ex-wife? I have someone selling some old collectibles on eBay for me. It is out of my house and I don't want them any more, but I also didn't want to see them in a landfill. Today, though, I came across my memories of my first husband. I have not looked at them since I packed them up 6 years ago. Some things I can let go of now. But I came across a lot of photographs...and many of the events and trips and everyday ordinary things we did...I had forgotten. That was a hard reality. Fortunately, photos triggered the memories again. I went through and decided to discard old sympathy cards. I was surprised that the memory of some of those who sent cards feels very distant. People in my daily life right now know nothing of my past marriage and there just never seems to be much of a reason to bring up my first husband. I do keep in touch with his family, particularly his mother, but it was interesting to see photos of nieces and nephews at a much younger age. We really did live through all of that. Those memories and photographs will be put back in boxes and bins, minus a few things. I will hold onto them, although I'm not fully certain why I do this. Life continues to move forward despite the fact that it has been so disrupted and the people I made the most precious memories with are no longer here. I'm still trying to figure out how this life is supposed to work when my heart has been so broken. Maureen

After I was widowed the first time, I connected pretty early out with John, who was also widowed. We initially didn't see attraction, but began very long long distance phone calls. At first they were quite platonic, but we developed and interest and caring for the other person. After a few of these long phone calls, we found ourselves flirting and were quite surprised by the turn in our tone. But it was fun and genuine and we enjoyed it. By this point, we had already talked about much of our pasts. We decided to meet and made the long distance connection a few weeks later. We had instant chemistry and just knew things were right. Within a couple of months, we decided we didn't want to be apart. We decided I would make the move. I left my job, sold my house and moved half way across the country. We married a year after we met. I think we just knew the connection was right. We had similar outlooks on life, although we had very different personalities. We complemented each other well. We were comfortable, happy, challenged and supported in the relationship and our love and devotion to each other was apparent to those who knew us. We just knew. Even though I lost him less than 4 years after we met, I have no regrets. Maureen

Hugs, Chopperette. I'm sorry for the loss of your Mom. I haven't had to cope with losing my parents yet, but they are almost 80 and almost 90. I don't think we are ever quite prepared to say goodbye to those that we love dearly, even when they are old and we can see the writing on the wall. I wish I could somehow take the pain away. Maureen

Bins and boxes...it never ends, does it? John's brother has come and gone (good riddance!) and I am back from my trip to the east coast. I'm feeling the pressure to continue to sift through stuff, and this week I went through camping gear and pared that down some. John's colleague Paul came by this morning and took some for use with Boy Scouts. We had a nice chat...he lingered on long after he needed to and we talked about life and the university and his family and John. I know he misses his best friend on campus and even stated that his professional trajectory would have been different if John hadn't died. He and John partnered in many initiatives and without John, those no longer happen. Instead, he has become an academic dean and I don't think he likes being an administrator. Today I made myself tackle Christmas decorations. I had already disposed of those that had been John and his late wife's. Today I tackled those that were mine before I met John and those that we collected together. We only spent 2 Christmases at home, and we decorated fairly simply, but we had collected ornaments in our travels. I found myself swearing at the boxes of decorations. I still have difficulty wrapping my head around the reality that he died. But...I pushed through, and there are now several bags of decorations that will hit Goodwill tomorrow afternoon. I'm going to continue to go through stuff and pack what I keep for the eventual move. I hate that my life was hijacked by death a second time. Maureen

With Barry, it was just his touch on my arm. He was incredibly weak in his muscles, yet I was very sensitive to his light touch. The gestures that made me feel loved by John...him reaching for my hand, or gentle kisses on my head. Touch has always been very important to me. But other little things made me feel very loved by John, such as him lifting my suitcase for me when we traveled, or letting me have the bathroom first in the morning. It would be nice to have little gestures again. Maureen

I'm sorry, Trying. And yes, you have some sense that your Mom is going to bed alone and scared. I hope that treatment can end with the mastectomy. When I think back to when I had my cancer surgery after John died, I knew that what I wanted most was to be with the person I couldn't have. That being said, my sister and some friends did come through for me, but I also stubbornly pushed myself to be independent quite quickly. Hugs, Maureen