Wheelerswife

2 1/2 weeks before my second husband died unexpectedly, we were standing at his late wife's grave in California (we lived in Kansas). John looked around and spoke quietly and said he was really happy with the location he had chosen to bury her...it was quiet and serene and in the environment that she loved..and that some day, half of him would be there, too. We also finally answered the question of where we would be buried together...Kansas, the only home we had known together. Like I said...2 1/2 weeks before he died unexpectedly.... Maureen

John and I were complete opposites on the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator. It worked incredibly well. Maureen

Just a few miles north, hikermom! You probably can pass on the accent already! Maureen

What a beautiful place, Helen! It can be difficult to be completely alone, though. I'm glad you had successful bike rides, too! Lots of time to think... Maureen

I've been home for a full week. I went back to my graduate assistant position at the university and I've had a few appointments to get in. (Oh, excitement! Plan that colonoscopy!) I'm doing fairly well. I feel great relief that John's ashes have been interred. I have kept my promise to John. I've had more time to reflect on my road trip. I think in many ways, my anxiety is managed so much better that I was able to feel the intensity of the sadness that had been lurking underneath. (What would I do without my dog Rosie!) I had so much anger at the universe when John died...and anxiety managed to burst onto the scene with a vengeance...and then surgery and a cancer diagnosis...I'd had no place to really feel the sadness. I don't know how I had the presence of mind to decide to take this road trip last December, but I did. Did I think it would be hard at times? Yes. Did I think it would hurt so much? No. I really thought that it was more about using this last free summer to try to see some places I'd never had the chance to see. It turned out to be a 14,000 mile walk through grief. It started out lighter, but the intensity increased over time, until I reached a point of breaking down and just crying for days. I felt like I was back in week one. And I buried his ashes and I turned and walked away...drove away, really...and faced several empty days on the road heading back home. It was over. It was done. Now what? Begin the process...continue the process...of trying to figure out how to live with loss. And so...I will start my semester in a week. I will access that program in my head that coordinates the movement of my feet in a forward direction and I'll keep walking toward the future. I will keep working toward that new career that will get me to retirement. I hope to access some beauty and friendship and love out there...and some day, find deep love again. I doubt I will ever have a road trip of this proportion again. I hope I never have to face this kind of angst and responsibility again, either. But...life really has only one guarantee... Hugs, Maureen

Hi, Paloma, I had developed friendships with widows/widowers from early in my widowhood journey, which started almost 6 years ago. Some have become very deep friendships where the focus was not being widowed, but life as it was continuing. Yes, we all had the understanding of being widowed. That made for real authenticity in our friendships. Some of those people held me up when my second husband died unexpectedly. That was almost 19 months ago, and yes, those relationships are now more focused on widowhood - but those friends have stuck with me for my sake, even though their lives are no longer focused on active grieving. I guess I'm just saying that you can develop friendships with people who are widowed that don't solely focus on widowhood. Sharing a common experience can lead to a sense of understanding that you don't have to articulate. But your relationship can be based on your current life and experiences and not be focused so much on grief. You might want to give it a try...since alone is a hard place to be. Still, I realize that you know yourself best and will decide what works best for you. Hugs, Maureen

Really great, Jess! Proud of you!!! Maureen

Oh, HM! So much piling up at the same time...you can't even grieve just one thing. The overwhelm...must be angering and exhausting. I just wish I could take all of this away. Hugs...and a shoulder to cry on...I know it is from a distance and not nearly enough. Maureen

Oh, HM, how I get this! Even with I am with good friends, talking to people who really care about me, I don't ever seem to reach that place that deep down, I am happy, content, fulfilled. Everything is colored by deep pain. Somehow, I got past this once. I found deep connection with someone a second time. But right now, I don't see it happening. I'm not sure I'm open to it (yet?) But more than anything right now, I just want to send you big hugs, so that even for a moment you know that someone else truly cares, even if the feeling is fleeting and it doesn't change the underlying sadness and angst and grief. Sometimes, it is those brief moments of connection that allow us to get past days like today without a full meltdown. Hugs, Maureen

Big hugs, my friend. Keep breathing. Maureen

Hang in there! He sounds like an awesome guy who will understand that life won't always be so stressful with you! Congrats on your new house and today's move. You've done great with all of it...and so fast! Maureen

Good for you, OSAAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Maureen

I met my second husband John 3 weeks after we started marathon telephone conversations. The connection was instantaneous, similar, I think, to Jess' experience in meeting at the airport. We hugged...and just held on. At the end of the weekend, we knew it was that good. I think, though, that most relationships take a bit longer to come together and moving as quickly as we did has backfired for other people at times. Be careful! Maureen

Virgo, I've not been known to sit still for too long. Chances are I'll end up crossing Indiana again. You are always welcome to drive through Kansas, too! Maureen

Thanks for sharing your story! Telling our love stories- or parts of them is so important for us! Hugs, Maureen

I'm sorry. Not many words make a difference right now. Hugs to you all. Maureen

Well, 14,000 miles (22,530 kilometers) later, I'm actually home. 14,000 miles of seeing beautiful scenery, missing John like crazy, imagining what the experience would have been like if he had been at my side through it all, feeling the pain of his absence. I realize just how much the medical crises in my life after he died really didn't allow me to grieve. I've grieved heavily over the last 8 weeks and muffled a lot of my crying because my niece was with me, but finally had no choice but to let go and just let the tears flow in the few days leading up to the interment. I don't know if I've ever been so low. The weight feels a bit less now. I think that is mostly because I have something new on which to focus my attention. I'm flying my niece home in 2 days, then flying back home and I go back to work in 6 days. 2 weeks later, I start school again. I seem to have the motor program in my brain to keep putting one foot in front of the other. Maybe that is good. That program has gotten me through the 18 months since he died. Maybe it will move me to a place where I can start to see that the future can be good again? I sure hope it is possible to survive being widowed a second time. I was so happy. Darned happy. I want that again. I risked it... and I'd never been happier. Can I overcome this pain? I wouldn't have missed a single moment with him. That I clearly know. But this really, really hurts. Maureen

I hope she does as well as my mother did. Had a resection. No recurrences for the last 18 years. Ah, but I get to schedule my third colonoscopy next week. Family history puts me (and you) in a higher risk group, and even though I get CT scans for my own cancer every 3-4 months, I still get to have more frequent colonoscopies for HER cancer. She will do well. Try to think positively. Maureen

Wonderful, Hunter! I'm happy for you and your new wife! Maureen

Sunshine...after having been married to a professor...not quite like this guy, though...I have found that some others are a bit direct. They have really well developed aspects in the intellectual realm, but perhaps less well developed aspects in others? They are still awfully good people, and capable of learning. I found with John that I needed to be gentle, but clear about what I liked and didn't like. He wasn't as aware initially, for instance, that he came across as being so much more logical than I was in making decisions. He was able to start seeing that I had a different perspective (more emotional) when it came to decision making and we worked things out well. Maybe give the guy a chance? If not...give him my number? (Kidding...just kidding!) Maureen

Trying...it couldn't have been better news! Good for you...able to move forward without that hanging over your head...and his! Hugs, Maureen

Hugs to both of you! Moving and downsizing is a real challenge! Maureen

What a mess, Jess. I'm sorry. You deserved more. Hugs, Maureen

Ah...the post-bago blues. Hard, eh? Hugs, Jen! Maureen

The people who matter to you will most likely get it...and if they don't...perhaps it is time to not let what they think matter to you. Maureen