Wheelerswife

Sometime doors open, MS. You already have established relationships at work and a good track record since you joined their team. Nothing to lose here...maybe some respect to be gained, though. Hugs, Maureen

Thank you to so many of you who have followed this road trip. I'm on my way home. I'm glad I planned the interment so late in the trip. I think that it would have otherwise colored other parts of the trip in drab grey. I still feel the heaviness. I'm tired and emotionally drained. Today, I have plans to see people I knew in the mid 1980's when I lived in Virginia. One lives in Salt Lake City. His daughter, son-in-law and 2 grandsons are visiting from North Carolina. I haven't seen them since her wedding somewhere between 20 and 25 years ago. Then we head through southern Wyoming, into northern Colorado and by Tuesday or Wednesday, back to Kansas. I fly my niece home to New York State on Thursday, then I fly back to Kansas on Saturday. Monday...back to work and in 2 more weeks, school. I've faced a lot of grief on this trip. I've seen some really beautiful places and I've felt the absence of John very acutely. I've been with some great people, too. I've felt very torn between realizing that this world is awesome and worth the pain of trying to live fully in my loss...and just thinking it would be good to escape the pain and have cancer overtake me (which it isn't doing at all right now). I'm hoping, really, that this pain will relent and I can feel positive again. I want so badly to be happy. I've made it through the angst of loss once and I found an incredible second life of sorts. I can do that again, right? (Please let that answer be,"Yes!") Thanks for listening. The only place I can be truly honest is with my widow friends. Maureen

I'm sorry, MS. Death just sucks. I'm sorry he died alone. I'm sorry this good man is gone. I'm sorry for your loss, too. Hugs, Maureen

I'm glad this went well for you. I buried half of my husband's ashes a few days ago and it was heart-wrenching. I'm still recovering. I'm hoping for that sense of peace and closure you have experienced. Maureen

The cemetery. The flowers sit between Cheryl's stone and where we buried John's ashes. His complementing stone should be placed in about 6 weeks.

Well, it is done. We had the interment service this afternoon. I never really did come up with much of a plan. A neighbor of my friends here made some beautiful fresh flower arrangements. Someone got some roses. My friend Jim started us off with some heartfelt words about his experiences with John. Others added some words, too. I read a message that John wrote to Cheryl on the eve of the second anniversary of her death that spoke of his love for her. I talked about how that love continued but did not detract from our love. I talked about how John was everything that others had said about him and so much more. We placed roses with his ashes and some of his favorite dog Max's ashes in the grave, my SIL sang a Jewish prayer and his brother played a song. This was all pretty spontaneous...I had no idea what anyone planned to do or say. We shoveled onto the grave, let the gravedigger finish, and I placed a final rose on the ground. I left ahead of the others and quietly drove back to the house, taking an old road that overlooked the coast. Then we finished preparing dinner and went to the horse farm next door for dinner and a bonfire with some of the neighbors who had supported John after Cheryl died. I'm tired. No. I'm exhausted. I cried almost all day long. I cried as I read and I cried as I spoke. But...it is done. Tomorrow morning I will go back to the cemetery and leave some things there myself...some rocks I have picked up along this trip, and a soapstone polarbear that he loved. Maybe I'll have a conversation with the two of them. I don't know. I wish I believed I would see him again...but I don't. All I can do is remember him...the amazing and beautiful man who called himself polarbear. Maureen

Ah, biscuit. I don't hold back much. Maybe it just the years of practice with the subject. I get asked all the time how I ended up living in Kansas. I usually say that it is a long story. If they persist, they get the full version. Eventually, it gets easier to tell the truth. I think, too, that you figure out quickly just who might be able to make a more real friend when you tell the truth. Some people can surprisingly relate. Hugs to you! Maureen

Ah, Fern. Bago is a made-up word that started on a previous young widow bulletin board. There is history behind the word, but it has become our own term for a social gathering of younger widows and widowers. They can be anything from a lunch or dinner to a long weekend where people plan activities and travel to meet each other. I don't know where you live, but you can check out the widowbago section of this board for something near you or post there to see if anyone wants to get together in your neck of the woods. Sorry you had to pay the price of admission to our club. Maureen

In northern California, with friends who knew John and Cheryl, friends who have known loss...a 23 year old son who died 18 years ago. Still, I'm falling apart. We keep trying to talk about what we want to do for the interment service...I keep clamming up and collapsing into tears. Tomorrow, 3 PM. I don't even know where to start. I planned a 2 hour memorial service back at the university after he died (18 months ago) but I can't seem to be able to pull together a 15 minute interment ritual? My anxiety is up. My BIL/SIL are coming into town this evening, along with John's step-son and step-granddaughter. I'm concerned with his brother/SIL, who didn't understand boundaries in my house after John died. Sigh. I know it will be over in 2 days. I really just wish I never had a reason to be in this position. Maureen

Ah, Donna! Some really good memories in that pool! So hard. Hugs for you, darling! We can keep the memories, even though the pool goes. Maureen

markb74, it sure was a sucky week. I'm sorry. I sure hope that what comes next is better. It has to get better, right? I have to hope for better. Hugs, Maureen

Ready to leave Oregon. Since my last post, we spent some time with little internet and cell service, but saw Mount Rainier, Mount Adams and Mount St. Helen's, some elk at our lodge and some bald eagles flying overhead. We spent a little time in Portland, OR (I'm really not a city kid!) and then on to southern Oregon. Today, we saw the beauty of Crater Lake. I'm at the end of the National Parks tour and preparing myself to slide into Humboldt County, CA, where some of the best herbals are grown, but I have a 14 year old niece with me.... I wish I could just sleep through the next week. Sigh. Feeling overwhelmed and sad. I'm trying to decide what to say during the interment service. The plan is to have it be quite simple. My BIL made the video for John's memorial service...a long 15 minutes...and almost completely left Cheryl (John's late wife) out of the video. (He put in a wedding picture of John with his first wife...a short marriage...to someone who doesn't even know John is dead. Yet he left out the woman he loved deeply...) I feel like I need to make a statement about his love for her and his desire to have half of his ashes buried with her. I haven't yet formulated everything I need to/want to say. I guess I need to think more on that. I didn't say anything at John's memorial service 18 months ago. I feel as though I want to say something now, too, about my loss. It all feels confusing. What do I say? Argh! Thanks for listening. Maureen

Hugs, whiteirony! I really understand your angst. But you have such a beautiful little family...well, a big family, too. You have to live...and that means taking the risks. I'm excited for you to walk down the path to the patio and look into E's loving face and to say those vows to each other and dedicate this day to the future! I'm going to be watching for pictures...but I've already seen the loving looks between you and E and E and your kids. It is all good! Love, Maureen

Good for you! I've been through similar changes once (but without kids in the mix) and I realize that I'm going to have to do it again some day. Funny, but I can't seem to look back on my previous experience for any inspiration. Everything feels more overwhelming this time around. It will take me much longer to reach the point where I'm ready to make changes. You mention getting ready to make career changes...it will be interesting to see where this leads you...and to see how life unfolds in other ways. Keep us informed! Hugs, Maureen

We flew through Vegas...not my idea of fun, but my niece wanted to experience a bit of the city, the lights, the grandeur. We stayed at one of the bigger glam hotels. It was just and afternoon and evening and a show. I'm glad you got away with New Guy! Maureen

Waking up this morning in a hotel in the Idaho panhandle. I ended up driving for hours through no-man's (well, no woman's) land to find a settlement of more than 10 people so I could find a hotel for the night. Spent yesterday at Glacier National Park...just absolutely spectacular. It rivals Alaska with it's glacial valley scenes. I was really missing John throughout the drive and having to really rein in my angst, lest I take it out on my niece, who at 14 1/2, doesn't have passion for much of anything (but music) and I just wish she'd be inspired more! In one week I will be interring John's ashes. I didn't realize when I started out (on this trip) that carrying his ashes along on this 30 state road trip would turn out to be so symbolic of what we had wished for ourselves. This country is amazingly beautiful, and for someone who spent much of her life on the east coast and the last almost 5 years in Kansas, I am seeing just how much of the really awesome beauty is in the places I'd never seen. There are so many awesomely beautiful landforms in our own US of A that many people never get to see. They really can't be captured adequately in pictures (at least with my niece behind the camera as I am driving!) We will spend the next few days exploring the beauty of Washington and Oregon before settling into far northern California and preparing for the interment. I'm not sure what to expect on the emotional spectrum here. I'm afraid of a meltdown, quite honestly. I've survived them before. My anxiety is rising again. I'm getting heart palpitations on trying to go to sleep at night. I haven't had any outright panic attacks and I don't think my niece is recognizing my anxiety. My dog is starting to stay a bit closer. Sigh. I just have to keep breathing through this. Maureen

Mikeeh, my counselor was also my husband's counselor after his DW died. So...my counselor knows the man I lost, but he has never disclosed anything that my husband told him, other than to acknowledge that he talked about meeting me, and how happy he was about that. That being said, I find it comforting that he really knows and understands my loss more than someone who did not know my husband. I hope your appointment is worthwhile for you. Maureen

Okay...check in from Montana. Since leaving the Grand Canyon, we have driven through Utah and into Idaho, then to Grand Teton National Park and Yellowstone National Park. I've now hit 49 of 50 US states in my lifetime. Today, we met up with 2 former students of John's, one of whom is working on her PhD. They are sisters. John and I traveled with one to Peru and John traveled with the PhD student to Germany to present at an international conference 3 years ago. It was good to see them again, as it had been a year since the youngest graduated from our university. They are a connection to John, with stories to tell that I hadn't heard before. My niece's maternal grandparents joined us today for lunch and a drive through the National Bison Range. We saw lots of wildlife, including a black bear, a lot of bison, some elk, mule deer, white-tailed deer and antelope. The connection with her grandparents was unexpected, as they were supposed to be on a road trip from New York State to Alaska, but decided to turn back in Montana when her grandfather began having vision problems. He lost an eye in a childhood accident and started having difficulties 5 days ago with his only eye. Fortunately, he saw an ophthalmologist today who assured him the problem was more annoying than serious, but they have decided that a drive to Alaska is just too much. Next year, they will book an extended cruise vacation instead. So...we had the chance to catch them and my niece got to share some of her excitement about her trip with them. Tomorrow, we head up to Glacier National Park, then westward into Washington and Oregon in the coming days. I seem to be past the recent funk, and I am taking advantage of enjoying some good days. Till later... Maureen

Hugs to you, Justin, and DD, too. It sounds like you remembered your wife just the right way for you. I'm glad you had your friend MG visiting recently, too! Maureen

Love you so much, my friend! Hugs, Maureen

Big hugs to you. Life will never have that same kind of happiness again. I get that. Somehow, I have to hope we will find a different happiness that will make life worth living. AW, you deserved your happiness with Alex. It breaks my heart that your life was shattered when you were so young. It just isn't supposed to be this way. I hope this week and its agony goes quickly. Maureen

Checking in from just north of the Grand Canyon. I'm in a bit of a funk. Today makes 18 months since John died. I've been driving through some awesome terrain (who knew just how extensive this amazing geology was?) and John would have just loved this road trip. I'm missing him in so many ways. Since leaving Phoenix, we have been in San Clemente, CA, where my niece got to meet an internet friend. Then I managed to breathe my way through the LA traffic and get to the home of old board wid my4littleangels. She became my angel, because she and her brood entertained my niece and me and even drove us into LA so that my niece could see the Hollywood Walk of Fame and the Hollywood sign. We also went to Venice Beach and drove along the Pacific Coast Highway. Yesterday, we parted that little resort (hey, a trampoline and a pool/hot tub is a resort, right?) and we drove to Vegas for my niece's second request for the road trip. I was able to get a really reasonable rate at a big hotel and we even squeezed in a show. This morning we took off for the north rim of the Grand Canyon. We are both a little tired. I'm trying not to be obvious, but I keep tearing up. I keep thinking about the wonderful experiences John and I had together. We would stand on a beach or look out at an awesome view, or check out the plants....and stand next to each other in a sweet embrace and marvel at the natural beauty we saw. In some ways, I think I am completing this road trip because of the unfinished plans we had to travel together. He's with me..well, half of him, in a fine cedar box that I will leave in northern California in 12 days. Maybe this will help me start to live without him. I don't know. All I know is that it hurts and I really miss him. Maureen

Brenda, My heart goes out to you. I've never scattered ashes, but several others have and I hope you get some responses from them. I'm at 18 months out and I'm about to inter half of my second husband's ashes next to his late wife. The anticipation, like many things, feels pretty intense. I hope that the day goes well and there is some sense of relief afterwards. I guess my point is...anticipation is difficult. Not sure about the rest. Hugs, Maureen

Ah, widow and board conversation, Jess! You were gracious to indulge me! I hope the next weeks go as well as they can for you and those you love. Maureen

Good morning from Phoenix. I'm hanging out, still in bed, snuggling with my dog, letting my niece sleep in. We will eventually hit the road for southern California later this morning. I'm feeling sad, wishing for both time completely alone or just rewinding my life to a time when I was incredibly happy. I've spent the last few days driving through some really gorgeous terrain, multiple climate and ecosystem changes, amazing geology. John would have been in heaven. He would also be reading about these locations from books, pointing out the formations, explaining their geological history, relating to the cultures of the native people here....I could go on. I'm feeling the depth of sadness over his loss, yet I feel like I don't really have the space to show my emotions. Part of me wishes I could believe he is with me in spirit. The other part is glad I believe he isn't with me because he would just feel my pain. I really miss him. Damn, I miss him. Sigh. I have had the opportunity to meet another wonderful and kind widow Jess. The next few days will be more distracting and focused on fun for my niece. She has been an amazing trooper with all of the traveling (over 4000 miles for her in the last 2 weeks!) I think that we will get some beach time and she will get to spend some time with kids her age. She is excited to go to California. She also wants to go to Las Vegas, and we have that location on the itinerary soon! Meanwhile, I cry softly and keep taking deep breaths. Maureen