Wheelerswife

I woke up a lot in the middle of the night myself. It was easier to stay up really late and hope my sleep hours got me from 1:00 AM till 5:00 AM. I still take Xanax to go to sleep at night, though I'm not really sure I need it all the time. I'm not yet willing to let go of the crutch, I guess. I still try to stay up fairly late...till near midnight. I can sleep till 6:30 now. I don't know where you live or what time zone you are in, but I was a regular in the chat room at night for at least my first 6 months. You might check it out. I connected with some awesome people when I was there, many of whom I eventually met in person. If you are comfortable....and I know a lot of people aren't...try sending a PM to someone here that you relate to well, often someone with similar circumstances or someone just ahead of you or right with you on your timeline. That can turn into a lifeline as well. People in a similar stage can often relate best. Quite honestly, those of us who are further out than you actually do forget exactly what it is like to be freshly widowed...and I think that is actually a hopeful thought. Hugs to you, Maureen

Helen, I recoupled and still went to bagos, some with my husband and many without. I've been to bagos with other wid/widower couples, too. I'd just have to say that acting "coupley" when with other non-coupled wids is kind of tacky! I think it was also pretty insensitive to not let unsuspecting people know that the weekend would have multiple couples present...especially since it turned out that everyone was recoupled! I, for one, still felt as if I was a member of the club, even after I remarried. I still wanted to see my widow friends. As a matter of fact, I was at a bago half way across the country the day John, my second husband, died. So...should recoupled wids be allowed to bago? In my opinion? Absolutely. Do they need to use some discretion? Ahh...yeah! I'm sorry you had such a difficult experience at your meet-up. Maureen

Hi, Aspen, I hear your anxiety loud and clear. I developed anxiety and panic attacks just after my second husband died. I realized quickly that I needed help and I went to my doctor for medication and to the counseling department at my university. Both have helped tremendously. I also went back to classes 11 days after my husband died. Everyone knew my story at school, since my husband was a well-know professor, but I talked to my professors about my struggles and people were unbelievably supportive. I was floating around in school, on my way to a second Bachelors (I graduated 30 years after my first one) and I still didn't know what I wanted to be when I grew up (again). That certainly added to my feelings of anxiety and lack of control. Time, though, helped be solidify what I wanted to do and gave me the focus to choose a grad school program. I've just started my second semester of my Master's in Higher Education Student Affairs. Folks in your Student Affairs office will care about your situation and your well-being. I'd advise you to make an appointment to talk to someone and to talk to your professors as well. I was incredibly angry that my husband died in the prime of his career and when we were so happy together. I was angry for him, his students, his colleagues and for myself. Anger got me through the first semester after he died. Something has to get us through the time. Being angry was easier than being sad for me. Having school, having to be in the classroom every day, having deadlines for assignments...these things gave me a reason to get out of bed, to interact with people, and to put one foot in front of the other. So far, this plan has gotten me through over 19 months. Feeling like we would be okay to die is very common. It isn't the same as being suicidal. I had medical issues after my second husband died, had surgery and was diagnosed with a rare and aggressive cancer. I just wanted it to kill me quickly. Some people on this board who know me can verify that I actually said that. Well, the cancer hasn't come back. My anxiety and panic are under better control. I miss my husband terribly, but I don't want to die. This was supposed to be my second chance for happiness and it ended with my second husband's death just under 4 years into our love story. I know from experience that it is possible to find happiness again. People find it in different ways. For me, I hope to find great love #3 and launch myself into a new career in Higher Education Student Affairs. But it is only going to come one day at a time. Take some deep breaths. Find what works to get through your panic attacks. Talk to your doctor, a counselor, your advisor, your professors. And feel free to PM me if there is anything that I can do to help you...or just to listen. Maureen

Big steps you are taking, MrsDan. Good for you with getting your toes wet. My thoughts on reading your post...I'd probably tell him pretty quickly. You don't necessarily have to elaborate on the details until you have decided if your date is someone with whom you feel a connection...and you can tell him you will disclose more information as you get to know each other. I'm thinking that this is something difficult for you to do, and if you decide you want to keep dating at this point, you need to be able to start somewhere with telling your story. Even if this person doesn't seem that compatible, perhaps you can begin to divulge some information to him (and subsequent men you meet for dates) so that you get some practice and it gets more comfortable. Marital status is an important aspect of the people we date (married, divorced, separated...don't you want to know, too?) I wish you well on this meeting this weekend, no matter the outcome. May you walk away with your dignity and his dignity intact and feeling okay with yourself on how you handle the encounter. Hugs, Maureen

Hi, duckie...and welcome back. It will soon be 6 years since I lost my first husband and it has been over 19 months since I lost my second husband. I've reached the age that my first husband was at when he died, too. I'm working on building a second career and somehow I function in many ways, but it is more like I am pulling myself through the necessary steps, hoping that somewhere along the line, I will find a way to be truly happy again. I have some friends, but more acquaintances, really. Most of the people I call friends live quite far from me and I have to rely on phone calls and long distance travel to see the people I relate to best. I like your alien analogy...I really feel like an alien amongst most of the people I know where I live. In many ways they accept me this way, but I'm still different and don't fit in fully. I guess I've learned to accept that reality. Some day, I'd like to find true happiness again. I found it after losing my first husband, so it has to be possible again, right? I hope so, but I'm still in love with a dead man, too. Hugs, Maureen

Sometimes, in places like a college, the budget just hasn't included a specific job as full time until the position has proven itself as necessary. Then, there is a required process to post the job and interview candidates. My experience watching this process is that a qualified candidate who has been doing the job well most often gets the full time position. You may want to pull together your contributions to the area in which you have worked over the last four years, as well as your assessment of what you can bring to the position and your work group that will make it better...how you would build on the groups strengths. Be prepared to identify something in the group that you feel could be improved, too. Be clear in your desire to stay in your position and make your group function better in the college. Good luck! Maureen

I'm devastated to read that two young journalists have been killed by a gunman in southern Virginia. Both were planning futures with fellow colleagues. I lived in the area where they grew up, where they worked, where they were killed. I visited the place they were killed last summer. I know people who knew the young woman killed. I'm exhausted from the stories of mass murder, gunmen, terrorists, death. I lived on the east coast during 9/11. My sister lost colleagues at the Pentagon. She had been transferred from the Pentagon to another location 6 weeks earlier. My niece was at Virginia Tech, walking to a building adjacent to where the rampage happened when she was pulled into another building and saved from potential physical harm. She lost an acquaintance there, and is still haunted, with depression and alcohol abuse by that massacre. I've had students in my class in school who survived the Aurora, Colorado theater shooting. My sister lost colleagues and had friends injured at the Navy Yard shooting. She used to work there, too, and was scheduled to be in the place of the shooting on the day it occurred, but her weekly meeting had been cancelled. I used to live near Newtown, Connecticut. I have a cousin who lives a mile from Sandy Hook Elementary School...and her children (now grown) attended that school. How has our world gone so crazy that these instances keep happening? It is all close to home. Sometimes I just yearn for a simpler life again. Thanks for listening to my ramble. Maureen

I just read what Jess wrote. I was back in the classroom 11 days after my husband died. I felt like if I didn't have school, I wouldn't have had anything. School forced me out of the house and gave me deadlines and some bit of purpose. I managed to finish the second Bachelor's degree I was working on, and now, 19 months later, I am in my second semester of grad school. We all need something to help us along. You can decide for yourself what it is for you. Hugs, Maureen

Hi, Aspen, I am so very sorry you had to join our club. You are in those very early, awfully painful days. There is so much angst and disbelief right now and nobody in your world understands...but we have all been there. Right now...just try to keep breathing. Drink lots of water...you can get dehydrated. Eat when you can, sleep when you can, keep coming here and talking about whatever you want to talk about. We are here to listen. We understand. You can't run us off. Keep reading and venting and go ahead and scream if you want. I know it is hard to believe right now, but in time, this will not be as painful as it is right now. Every one of us here has survived this unsurvivable pain. We will walk this walk with you. Hugs, Maureen

Hugs to you, Wifeless. Maureen

Now studying Student Affairs, I realize that there are people on campuses who really do care about individual students and would be willing to establish a working relationship with your son if he is willing to do the same. The person could be a hall director in a residence hall, a personal or academic counselor or someone whose responsibility is student retention. Since your son is considered an adult, it really has to be his initiative. He may have requirements to meet with campus staff as a condition of his return to school (or not). He may also find that establishing a relationship with his advisor or a professor/instructor that he likes can do the trick. Teaching faculty all have office hours...and many will tell you that some of their favorite experiences are having students come to see them. Encourage him to use those hours if he has any struggles with his academics. Lots of kids have the same experience he had...and return with a year of maturity and do really well. Hugs, Maureen

Just a few days after we started talking on the phone, he came to the conclusion that we needed to meet...and he made those arrangements and he flew out to meet me 3 weeks to the day after our first conversation. Best decision he ever made... Maureen

Hi, Brenda, You aren't the only one who has had these thoughts, these feelings, this reality. I became acquainted with my second husband 6 months after the death of my first husband. Things moved very quickly. Two months later, we were engaged, I had resigned my job and was putting my house on the market with plans to move half way across the country to a place I'd never been. I realize that seems crazy and everything could have gone completely wrong...but it didn't. We were absolutely in love, got married a year after we met and had an awesome life together...until we got to #4 on your list. He died suddenly less than 4 years after we met. I'm truly heartbroken. We both knew from experience (he was a widower) that this could happen, but we risked anyway. I have no regrets, honestly. I'd never made a more satisfying decision in my life when I followed my heart with him. It has been 19 months since my second husband died and I haven't gotten to the point of thinking about someone new in my life yet. Oh, yes, I hope for great love #3 to find me, but I haven't really entertained any possibilities. Every death of a spouse is different and our experiences of them are different. I know this first hand. So...don't worry yourself over whether it is too early. Listen to yourself...the logical side of you and your heart/gut. Continue to ask yourself if YOU are okay with this situation. Channel your late wife's energy. You truly knew/know her. She'd want you to be happy. You can continue to live your own life and continue to respect the marriage you had with her. Best wishes...and keep us up on the progression of your experiences and thoughts! Hugs, Maureen

Ah. The semester has started again. I've been back at my graduate assistant job for 2 weeks, but classes started Monday and I'm already feeling overwhelmed. I have three evening classes...Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday. I think it will take all of Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday to do my homework! I have to remember that everything gets done one bite at a time. Last semester's classes didn't seem as intense...well, at least 2 out of 3 of them weren't so bad. Anyone else heading back to hitting the books? What are you all studying? I am getting my Master's in Higher Education Student Affairs and this semester's classes are in Assessment and Evaluation of Higher Education Programs, Higher Education Law and Research Design. (I'll be back in touch in 15 1/2 weeks....when I come up for a breath!) Maureen

I know how much Pru was to you, sweetie. Rosie and I would come hang with you if we didn't live so darned far away. Hugs, Maureen

Sad for you...sad for Pru. She was a lovely dog. Hugs, Maureen

It is done! And she held her composure! Woohoo! Maureen

We've already been in contact, MS, but I just wanted to say on the open board that I got to meet Pru the day after John died and it meant the world to me that you came with her to comfort me. Rosie and I are thinking of you two. Big squishy hugs, Maureen

Oh, sweetie! I wish I was near you (wherever that might be!) This is all so fresh for you and you are experiencing all of the horrors of losing a beloved spouse at such an awfully young age. It isn't supposed to be this way! I know that. Well, we all know that! Death changes us. I believe in many ways it can make us better people. Some may disagree, but death has made me a more sensitive person and a better spouse the second time around. You won't be this sad and this scared forever. No one will be the man you lost. I lost my first husband 6 years ago and months into the widow journey, I met another wonderful man. I'm not one who believes in soulmates, but one widow put it this way for someone who was struggling with this concept: Your husband was the soulmate for the person you were before. A second man can be the soulmate for the person that you become. I struggle sometimes because my second husband was so incredible that I wonder if I will ever find someone who will love me as well as he loved me. But...I found my second husband after losing my first. Why couldn't I find another man who is that capable of love? In time, I hope I can believe this for myself again. My first husband had a progressive disabling condition that I knew would kill him too young. I allowed myself to fall in love with him and I married him anyways. When I met my second husband, I had that vision for a future together that I never had with my first husband. After less than 4 years, I lost him, too. My plans for my future were snatched away. My heart was truly broken...and still is. I'm sad and I miss him terribly. I've survived somehow, through the support of really great people (mostly widow friends) I am still upright and moving after 19 months. We have all done the impossible. We have kept breathing when it seemed like all we could imagine was wanting to die, too. Your address book might change a bit after the death of a spouse. People don't necessarily know what to do with us. I've managed this better since the death of my second husband. It is hard to forgive people who injure us (mostly coming from good intentions) with the words they say or from the words that are unsaid. I am better at stopping people before they say anything too offensive and I try to explain things to people (what real grief is like, what to say, to encourage them to talk about my husbands...) There are people here who are as young as you are. There are people here who had very short marriages (or didn't even get the chance to marry.) We all know that your loss is horribly painful and no less valid than those of us who had longer marriages or were able to have children with a spouse. I'm glad you are sharing your pain here. It's a safe place. You may want to talk to your sister and let her know of your concerns about the wedding. Someone might be assigned to watch out for your well-being that day and in the events leading to that day. Is there anyone you trust that can help you escape the festivities if you get overwhelmed? Sit on the end, away from the attention. Or let your sister know that being in the wedding party might just be too much for you. Moving is going to be difficult. I'm sorry. There are others here who also had to move when they didn't feel ready. I moved a year after my first husband died. It wasn't so bad. It is now 19 months since my second husband died and I can't yet fathom the process of going through many of his things. If I was near you, I'd come hug you. I'm sorry you have to be here, but I'm glad you are talking. Maureen

Yes! I get this so much. I travel a fair amount and he isn't there to greet me when I come home. Over and over again. "The best moment in the world was being in his arms again after an absence." Absolutely. I try to imagine the feeling, both physical and emotional, and at 19 months, it is still there. I'm afraid of forgetting. Hugs, Maureen

I'm with you, sister! I'll think of that look I saw on his face when I arrived at the house back in June..."What's SHE doing here!" If I could, I'd be sitting in that court room so I could witness your bravery. You did this, my friend. You walked away from his control, manipulation and abuse. You are going to be done with him. Divorce. Wouldn't it be nice if it could be annulment? This marriage was all a sham on his part. Hugs, Maureen

I think a few of my friends here would agree that I was not in a good place 9 months after John (my second husband) died. I almost ran them off with my anxiety and neediness. At 19 months out now, I'm certainly less anxious and needy, but I still have my moments. keeptrying...you have a lot on your plate with a newborn and several other children, young and older. There just isn't much of a place for you to get away and just cry or scream or take care of your own needs. There is a lot of truth to the 6-12 month time-frame...shock wears off and reality sets in. The reality sucks. Hugs, Maureen

I think chat has generally been up and down ever since I came on board, gosh, almost 6 years ago. I haven't been there in months, but there were months in my early days when I was there every night and there was a regular crowd. Friday nights got really busy. I doesn't tend to catch my thoughts these days. Maureen

Beautiful. Thank you for sharing. I am so, so sorry that you've had to join our club. Maureen

I find myself reading more than responding...not sure if it's just the emotional places I've been in...sometimes I can't see past my own nose. Sometimes, I merely skim. I also fear scaring off newer wids or even those further out who are in the dating/relationship realm. Sometimes, I just don't even know what to say, and I'd rather not kick someone while they are down. I've stuck my foot clearly down my throat before and then cringed when I realized I'd said the wrong thing. Maybe its just the roller coaster. I'm hoping I am rounding the bend and into a bit of smooth sailing. The summer was tough...but on some level necessary... and good. Maureen