Jess

Congrats!!! I am so happy for you!

To people in our everyday lives, we haven't really let people in on the fact that we are in a relationship. For me, it was because I knew this was something very real, very good, and longterm. I worried because it started so early people wouldn't give Justin a chance, figuring he was some fling or a band aid for my grief. Those that meant something to me have known since the beginning, but most people don't know. Having now been together 10 months, we decided it was time to stop not talking about each other since we had nothing to hide. Thus, the last 48 hours have been Facebook check ins with him or I tagged and pictures. To ease people in, there haven'the been any of us together yet. It may seem like a silly process, but for us it was time and it feels good to be open.

Thank you so much for sharing all of this. I am so happy you are taking such positive steps for you and your son. I hope that what you have written here will help someone avoid the pain you had to endure.

Thank you for all of your comments. It really does mean a lot, especially on hard days, to feel cared about. It went ok. My friend and I had a good night eating junk food and cake and watching shows she can'take typically watch because she has a 3 year old. I do feel blessed to have her for sure!

Anne, I wish I could fix all of this awfulness for you. I couldn't imagine it ever getting better either. I am not even sure better is the right word for it. I think maybe it gets easier to live with the awful after a while. I remember how slow time felt. Every minute was torture. It will not always be like that. I too had a video I would watch obsessively. The day before my husband died, we got a puppy. The video is of him playing with her. It was just so him... so normal. I had no idea 8-10 hours later he would be dead. I don'the watch it as much any more, but I treasure it. You do not need to figure out how to make it through this nightmare right now. It will come with time. Eventually you will stop wishing a meteor crashed through your ceiling and ended it all. It took me several months to get there, but the first time I realized I wanted to live it was shocking. It is a weird thing to realize that a feeling of self preservation is shocking. I know we keep repeating through the advice to take care of your basic needs like drinking water, trying to sleep, and trying to eat but at this point those are your only jobs and they are important. When you get the shock in days or months to come that you want to live, you will be glad you gave yourself the chance. We are all here to listen and we care. Keep posting. We hear you and we get it.

LH would have been 36 today. Birthdays were always a really big deal for him because he really loved them. Typically, the last few months of my time would have been spent planning some sort of outrageous surprise. Last year, he died as I planned. This year, there was no plan to interrupt. It's a weird feeling knowing that phase of my life is gone. Last year, being so close to his passing, we had a huge gathering of friends that with (I assume) good intentions said we would use his birthday as a night to get together, have dinner, and reflect in the years to come. Predictably, the great widow friend exodus ensured that there are no such plans in the works. This bothered me quite a bit, but then one friend that has stuck by me the entire time told me she was coming over tonight to spend time with me. No asking, just letting me know that was how it was. It was exactly what I needed. So, on his birthday I am trying to focus on what I have and not so much on what I lost- him, friendships, support, etc. I have a home. I have one good friend that won't let me be forgotten. I have a future I am building each day that I am actually excited about. I think Joe would be proud.

You are in the right place. Welcome to our little corner of the internet. I am sorry you had reason to look for us but I am so glad you found us. It is good to hear that although the sad days don't go away, there are some good ones.

Last year I actually did go as black widow... but not the Avenger. I dressed in black from head to toe and well, the widow part was a given. You could always go as Jackie O or another famous widow.

LOL! That is a big WTF. It feels like your alternate rumored life needs its own comic book.

I hope you have some fun at the lake. Sometimes the tears are cleansing and I feel much better after I let them out. It sounds like you are in a beautiful place right now which makes me happy for you.

I really feel like as that project progresses on your mirror or when you complete it, we need pictures because it sounds really neat. As for my move affecting my ability to grieve, first you are always welcome to ask anything you want. That's why we are here. Moving was a very emotional thing for me. It was a necessary step in my case because although I am employed, our home was too much for me to afford on my own. I had to scale back from a 2200 sq ft home to a 1450 sq ft home. That is certainly not easy when your husband was a pack rat. It was very difficult leaving, but I must say I feel lighter in my new space. I have simplified a lot and am continuing to try to keep simplifying. As a result, I am starting to get to the core of what I want to keep to remember my husband. If anything, I would say the move helped as it forced me to face a lot of my grief head on, but it was a significant step for me moving forward into the life I am left with that I never wanted. I am not sure if any of that makes sense but I hope that it does. I will keep that in mind about my smile. Thank you.

Hello Peggy and Fran and welcome to the board. I am so sorry you you had to look for us, but so glad you found us. I hope that you can find comfort from talking to people that understand what this pain feels like. It is a safe place to vent any thoughts you can't share elsewhere. Not only will no one judge, but also people will be able to relate to how you are feeling. For now, take care of yourselves and basic needs. I am wishing you peace and comfort.

I've read your original question and read everyone's responses. I think all of the responses show how much people care for you here and want the best for you. That said, while I initially had a reaction more in line with some of the more cautioning responses, what Serpico said really resonated with me and made me alter my point a view a bit. I remember thinking early out "Who in the hell would want anyone like me now?" I knew that it would be a rare person that could handle the fact that I would always love LH and more than that, I would always be his widow. I didn't have any way of knowing at the time I pondered that how it would even be possible to love someone else, but with time I learned the answer that my heart could grow to love someone while keeping LH's place in my heart as his own. I think for someone that is not widowed, this is hard to understand. Finding new love doesn't erase grief and is not a panacea, as much as I think we all wish it could be. The struggles continue, but more than that, the struggles change to take on new kinds of widow issues such as balancing your new love and your grief. Needing the support of your peers as you move forward is something he may not understand, which is okay, but you can explain that to him. I have always seen this board and its predecessor as not only a place to vent the raw feelings of new grief, but it also a place to grow together and move towards hope so one day, someone brand new to this can read and see that it is possible. Any time anyone post anything about living with his or her grief and finding happiness, it helps my heart and likely others as well. So for me, continuing to share when things are better is a way to pay back some of that support most of us got when things were so very raw, impossible, and hopeless. I suspect he may view this board as a tether that is holding you back, but for me, the board has always been a tool to keep me moving forward. Ultimately, it is up to you what you need to do, but I think that you would do yourself a disservice to not sit and talk to him about why you are torn about not posting and try to get him to understand. He may or may not understand it, but if he can understand it is important to you maybe that is enough.

SVS is so right. There is never any need to apologize for saying things here. This is a safe place where not only are we not judging, we have been there and we get it. I remember how slow time seemed. By the time I was a month out, it felt like it had taken a damn year to live those awful 30 days. It was strange to wish time would speed up and at the same time wishing it wouldn't because every second was one more second to add the the growing pile of time that had elapsed since we had been together last. Widowhood is finding some way to live in a paradox. And frankly, screw anyone that tries to tell you to feel one way or another. This is your loss. This is your grief. You need to feel whatever you need to feel to process this and it is okay. Keep breathing. This will likely be the scariest thing you will ever do, but you can do this. We are all with you.

There is nothing I can add that has not already been said perfectly, but nonetheless I wanted to tell you that I get it. I've been there. I am thankfully not there any more but I remember how excruciating it was. Hang in there. This feeling will not last forever.

I once cried sitting on the bench of the lobby of a Little Caesars. Seriously. There wasn't even a trigger as we had never been in a Little Caesars together. I was just waiting on some food and my mind wandered and I started crying. So, going some place that is triggering and having a reaction is not only understandable, it also I am afraid to say probably a normal reaction. It is a weird reality to live in when you can label such things "normal", but that is how it is. Next, you may not want to hear this but I am going to say it any way. You CAN handle it. You ARE handling it. You can keep handling it. Handling it doesn't mean it isn't going to be a messy process. It also doesn't mean magically moving on or getting over it. For me, I think any concept that either of those things is possible is not descriptive of my grief and I imagine not descriptive of too many other people's grief. Here is what I do see. You are taking the necessary, difficult steps to keep moving forward. I am so very sorry these steps are needed at all, but you've got this. You can do this. You are doing this. And some day while it will still be hard, it won't feel so impossible.

Thank you for sharing who your wonderful wife was and is to you. I am so glad that you decided to share your story here with us. It is moving, heartbreaking, and beautiful. I was 35 when my husband had a sudden seizure, went into cardiac arrest, and died. There was no history of seizures and no known medical issues he was battling. Just gone. Like you, we had no children. Despite the incredible challenges widowed parents face, I find myself at times so jealous of them still having a piece of their loved one- a family that remains, however broken. When it is just you and your spouse, they are your entire family and when they are gone, the sounds of emptiness become deafening. I remember bits and pieces of the first few months. Shock is a beautiful, warm blanket that I sometimes sincerely miss. I couldn't bear to sleep in our bed so I lived on the couch for the first 4 months. I was luck enough to be able to work from home for while, which allowed me not to have to contain my tears to the shower before before heading to the office. As a bonus, it also made it so I didn't have to put on "going outside" pants. It has now been little over a year and I am about to turn 37. So much has changed in the past 13 months it is incredible. My heart is still so wounded, but surprisingly my heart has grown so it is more than just pain. I had to move from the home we shared and changed work locations so I no longer had to go to the office we shared. And I have relearned the art of smiling. The smile falters still, and I think that may always be my reality, but I know it is there and real. Take care of yourself as best you can and please, keep writing and sharing. Your words resonated with me and I am thankful to have read them. I am wishing you peace and comfort.

It is an interesting question for sure. First and formost, it is shitty that your day turned out that way. It sounds like there was a lack of sensitivity and thought there by far too many people. To address your question about recoupled people going to bagos i can only speak from where i am at. I am recoupled with a widower. I know that while we are moving forward together, we are very much influenced, rooted in, and still processing this grief journey and will be for a lifetime. There is comfort in meeting and spending time with others sharing that path and recoupling doesn't erase that need for comfort. That said, I think it would lack sensitivity to be overtly coupley, and really just highly innapropriate. I am trying to put myself in the shoes of someone recoupled with a non-wid, and I guess I keep coming to the conclusion that it would be strange to bring that person unless everyone was aware in advance and was okay with it. It is like bringing a vegan to a meat appreciation conference. That person would be out of place without really much to contribute nor enjoy. I don't know. Again, sorry it turned out like that for you. I would have had similar feelings.

Bad influence! I love it

Aspen, shortly after Joe died the ebola scare happened. I found myself thinking "Excellent! Bring it on!" Now, to someone not going through our kind of loss, that thought would be terrifying. But really, to me anyways, there is a huge difference between wishing a meteor would just land on my house and end this awfulness and seeking out a volcano to jump into. To others, the distinction is to subtle to them to realize there is an actual distinction at all. At over a year out, I personally am at a spot where I no longer wish for a plague or meteor. The feeling can go away. Just give it time.

You have been on my mind a lot. I am sending positive thoughts your way.

What I should be doing: laundry What I am actually doing: video games Someone please tell me I need to start adulting.

I have no advice for your question, but I did want to say this is an exciting step! I hope you keep us posted on however it may turn out.

My first birthday without him was about 6 or 7 weeks after he was gone. I had some friends come get me and take me out. By that time I wasn'the bothered about crying in public so much so time away was really nice, despite tears. The thing I have trouble wrapping my mind around is that he died when I was 35 and in a couple weeks I will be 37. It doesn't seem possible that a little over a year since he died I will be two ages he never experienced with me. Strange times.

Believe it or not, there are a few widows that managed to continue college, even graduate school. I hope some of them will chime in and let you know what their experience was like. The road to living life is a hard one. I am still figuring it out for sure. There are times where it still feels pretty impossible, but then somehow it is possible. I don't want to paint either too rosy of a picture or too dismal of one. Your journey will be so individual and there is no way of knowing how it will be until it actually is. The great thing about this place is that while no one person can likely relate to everything you are thinking are feeling, along the way you will find plenty of people that can share aspects of your journey and say "Me too". Just know, whatever you think or feel is the right thing for you. We are here to vent to, commiserate with, to have a safe place to say things you can't say to people in your day to day life, and celebrate little and big successes along the way.