Jess

SVS, I am going to offer you back one of the many tight hugs you have offered me when I am down. Also, I think that you need to give yourself more credit. From an outside perspective, you are incredibly kind to others in your own time of struggle. You got through and continue to get through the aftermath of a terrible accident on your own. Those things to me show you are resilient. I also think continuing to try despite being discouraged is motivation. I firmly believe you did not lose those things that made up who you were before, you just lost one the person that made it so much easier to be that way. It is a scary thing to only be left with yourself to count on. We all know that because we live it. I hope you keep on trying and that you are blessed with more joy to savor.

These days I am much better about owning my strength. Sure, when someone tells me how strong I am I know they really have no concept of what it is like to be me and just how much I can struggle, but I keep on getting out of bed and conquer my little corner of the world with varying levels of success every day. We all know there is no option but to keep going and trying, but the strength compliment is given by people that can't imagine having to do it and that doesn't make it any less genuine or true. So yes, you bet I am strong even when I feel weak. And yes, you bet every single one of you are strong as well.

Yesterday my work team went bowling. It was the first time I had bowled since a group of friends went with me on LH's birthday after he passed. I worried about being triggered but those fears we're unfounded. It was a good time.

I wouldn't say I have regrets exactly, it is more just wishing I could have held on to each moment better. For instance, his last day we had the day off together. We played with the puppy we adopted the day before, I played some game on my computer and vacuumed. He spent the day doodling and knocked out washing the dishes. His last meal was cocktail wieners with BBQ sauce and perogies because we were feeling lazy. Had I known, I would have said screw the cleaning and the dishes and held him all day. I would have cooked his favorite meal, chicken parmesan. I would have done everything to enjoy my last moments with him, instead of heading off to bed because I had to get up early for a trip the next morning that I obviously ended up canceling. I tried my best to let that man know how loved he was and honestly still is, but had I known, I would have pulled out all the stops and just enjoyed being us instead of assuming we had decades to do that. I don't know if that makes sense.

First, I hope you do not mind me wishing you a happy birthday even though you are so sad. Second, the reason it feels like all of this shit is unfair is because it IS unfair and it is okay to acknowledge that it is and feel any feeling that acknowledgement makes you feel. My birthday was less than two months after LH passed and it was a really hard day for me. How was it fair I would continue to have birthdays without him to celebrate? I guess it isn't about fairness, but about navigating a harsh reality, and that sucks. Do you have any plans today to celebrate or just having a low key day?

I wish I would have known that this time last year we had less than a month left together. I would have seized every single moment and drank it in to savor. Sudden death sucks.

I finally decided on and ordered patio furniture for the new place. It is a small thing, but one more step to this new place being home and made me happy.

In the early days, someone said this to me when swallowing solid food was still a huge struggle. I was not.very nice and said "It's the dead husband diet. Really effective! I can't really recommend it though because it is a kinda unhealthy crash diet and a side effect is I can't seem to stop crying." Oops.

Jodi, right now all you need to do is focus on the basics- breathe, eat, drink water, try to sleep. I know it is natural to think of everything all at the same time that has to be considered, but do what you can to slow your brain down. You have time. Often it may feel like there is too much time. When the time comes to get serious about bringing in income, you can and will come up with a plan to do it. Your life is completely different now and that can take a while to accept, but as you accept it think about what may make you happy. For example, if you love being around kids, maybe a daycare would be a good place to dip your toes back into the workforce. The answers will come.

I agree wholeheartedly with the sentiments expressed before me, but wanted to add my voice to it as well. I realized I had feelings for someone at three (!) months out. I gave myself permission to throw away any preconceived ideas about what I *should* be doing and go with what made me feel alive and good. Almost 8 months later, I can say with certainty that it was the best thing I could have done for myself. Yes, I grieve hard still. Just last night out of nowhere I had a sobfest, but I give myself permission to have those as well. I think any light that shines our way needs a chance to be basked in. Your rules for yourself are just that, self imposed. Maybe you need a rule for yourself that says if something makes you feel happy, you need to give it a chance?

Maureen, in my opinion if someone can cause you emotional pain, that is someone you do not need to offer your time to. I do not speak to my MIL, and I am better emotionally for it. Just my two cents.

Thank you everyone. I was thinking about it a bit yesterday and realizing what a blessing it is in my life to have people that get me and that I found you all so early in this journey. As soon as I found all of you, suddenly I wasn't alone. Rather, I belonged somewhere and having somewhere I belonged is exactly what I needed to work towards healing. Every time I am down, someone is there to pick me up or simply to tell me I am normal in abnormal circumstances. Thank you!

Ups and downs, twists and turns, backwards and forwards. I have always hated roller coasters, it this one just keeps going. I have always said I am a positive, happy person inside that simply had something almost unspeakably tragic happen to me. I hold onto optimism not because I want to be that way, but because that is simply built into my DNA, even if sometimes I worry I annoy people with it. Despite this outlook on life, grief and tough times still happen. It was pointed out to me that I stopped talking about the dark times I am experiencing, so I figured I would put this out there. I have been crying more, feeling exhausted and unmotivated. I have been acting whiny and grumpy. [move]I really hate feeling this way and need a break from my life.[/move]

Jodi, I am so glad you found us but so deeply sorry you needed to. I am also sorry to say you belong here. I wish no one belonged here. Please do read through this forum because there are a lot of wise words that have been shared. For those near your timeline, read the Newly Widowed section and you will probably nod along with a lot that has been shared. I have always looked ahead to the other sections so I know what to expect as my own time line progresses (I am at 10.5 months). I also lost my husband unexpectedly and can say I hardly even remember day 8 now. It was such a strange fog of shock. If I could go back and tell my day 8 self anything, it would be there is no wrong way to process this nightmare and to give myself permission to feel whatever I needed to. Focus on your basic needs right now. Try to eat and drink a lot of water. Sleep when you can. Let people take care of you. I am wishing you peace and comfort.

(((Jen))) I've always got plenty of hugs for my fellow traveler. I've had a very difficult time myself lately and I've gone pack to crying at the drop of a hat (why are there so many hats dropping, anyways?). Ups and downs, forward and backward, optimistic and hopeless all at the same time. I would love to get off this ride and just live the life he would be proud of me for living. Why is it always so much easier said than done?

Therapy dogs for emotional situations is a cause very near and dear to my heart. LH had been lobbying for this at the company we worked at to compliment the existing onsite EAP counseling. He had a very difficult job that was emotionally taxing (child pornography/abuse investigations) and had stumbled upon therapy dogs at a conference he attended that were there for the attendees to love on after sessions due to how taxing just talking about the work was. He always said there were two things he wanted to do in order to be able to leave the company feeling he had left a legacy- 1. Get the National Center for Missing and Exploited Children listed on the round up for charity and 2. Have an onsite therapy dog for him and the people that reported to him. After he passed unexpectedly, when HR or anyone high up enough in the company to matter called, I would push these two things. Both happened. I am a huge believer in therapy dogs and how much they can help where words cannot. I am so happy any time I hear of a different application for them. Thank you so much for sharing. I wish the funeral home I used had this.

I hope you know you are one heck of a lady. Sincerely. I am just blown away. Positive thoughts to you and your son.

Jen, you do not annoy or scare me. I wrote before that maybe you put too much pressure on yourself to be better, but I think a lot of us do that. You give a voice to it. You let people who may not be up to posting about it have someone that they can say "me too" about. You have so much value to so many. I wish it was easier for you. I wish it was easier for all of us. Keep posting and know your words always have an audience that does not think it is weird or wrong to not be "better" yet, but is rooting for you to find some light. I think of you often and want you to find more of those happies. I hope you do and you share those right along with the hard, numb, or impossible times.

I have been seeing a grief counselor since I was ten days out. At first, we met every week, then every two weeks, and now we are at monthly appointments. She has been talking to me about whether I wish to stop- pushing me out of the counseling nest so to speak but I have decided I will keep with it until I at least hit the year mark since I have seen it be such a volatile time for others. She has been very helpful and asks things in such a way that I can really get to the heart of why I may feel a certain way. I can be very internal and too caught up in my own way of thinking to pull myself out and shift perspectives, and that has been a gift.

I am sending positive thoughts to you and your family.

First, thank you everyone for sharing. My initial instinct was to donate the gown to someone that can use it and cannot afford one, but then as usual I started getting wrapped up in my own head and thinking silly things like what if the dress is cursed? I don't even believe in curses. This is beautiful and heart breaking. At first, the suggestion seemed strange to me but over the past couple days I have really been thinking about it. I have never lost a child, but have been through a miscarriage and even that experience was so emotionally difficult we decided to wait before trying again. Obviously, we waited too long. This feels like a way to give a gift to someone that is experiencing profound grief that I cannot even begin to comprehend and to pay back some of the debt I owe for the support I get to keep going in dealing with my own grief. When I am ready, this may be just what I do. Thank you, ManutesGirl. Sincerely.

I have said this so many times! I am such a "by the book" sort of girl. I love guidelines and rules. This whole experience has been minus rules and I sometimes felt like screaming "Just tell me what to do!" A lack of rules feels like a burden at first, but I have also learned in some ways it was freeing as well. I think that widowhood is one of the only times where it is acceptable to be completely self absorbed (except for caring for children, pets, etc.) and do the things the way our inner voices tell us to. Between therapy and posting and talking to people I have never spent so much time talking about myself in my entire life! Our brains are clever enough to wrap us up in a comfy layer of shock, they are also smart enough to let us know when it is time to take or choose not to take steps.

As someone that is mostly moved into a new, smaller place (minus some straggling possessions I need to go back for), it is a good thing. It's been very emotionally taxing and frankly exhausting, but one of the major bright spots for me has been this community and the wonderful support I have gotten when I've posted about my move. I think I will finally be able to breathe and will feel much less anxious when the old house is emptied of everything, but it's getting there bit by bit. You can do the move. You've got this.

This is not true. I think something a lot of us can relate to is the pressure to just be "better" already. If people in your every day life can't handle it, so be it. They don't know what it is like to be you. I have seen you have moments of happiness- the awesome video of you singing immediately comes to mind. It is attainable and you have felt it. The happiness you have or any of us have is different than the happiness we had before because we are different people now and our circumstances are completely different. I think sometimes that maybe you are taking on too much of the pressure to be better? There is no set time frame for you or anyone else so feeling like you are doing "okay" now is no indication at all that any hope of happiness is futile. It is simply not true. You also did not somehow exhaust your happiness quota for your existence. There is no such thing. I used to get so angry at how naive it sounded that in order to be happy, we simply have to choose to be happy. Of course I would have been happy if I could be but Joe's death was too much. As time goes by I have learned the statement is less naive than it sounds, but needs clarifiers: 1. Sometimes there is too much happening to make the choice possible; 2. Sometimes we have to be willing to accept brand new ways to be happy because the old ways are no longer an option; and 3. There are degrees of happiness. Letting in the "little happies" makes it easier to let the "bigger happies" in. I think much of my own journey has been centered around putting energy into my new life- the one I was left with feeling like a shell of a person. I will always mourn Joe. Always. But I like to tell myself that should he and I meet again once my time is done, he is going to want stories about all the ways I kicked life's ass. Those are much better than "I couldn't be happy without you." I'm not sure if any of that was helpful, but there's my ramble.

Sometimes making the best decision for us is the hardest thing to carry out, but it IS right. Positive thoughts to you. You've got this!