Jess

SVS, I was actually thinking about you lately and wondering how you are doing. I am sorry things are tough and I hope a bright spot finds you soon. This is not directed at you or anyone specifically, but i have been thinking about some things. I think we all fall in the trap of not sharing the tough times sometimes, but the fact of the matter is we all have them. All of us have dead spouses/partners, and that pain is something that people that have not experienced it can simply not really understand. Man, I wish they understood what blessing it is to live under that veil. That is why we need each other in the first place. Yes, it is a journey towards healing, but it is also a journey we have to embark on because of the incredible pain this experience involves. If we do not share the pain, how does the healing have the same impact? On the flip side, if we do not share the healing, how is there hope? I guess my point is we should stop second guessing ourselves when we have something to say. I include myself in that sentiment. Someone, whether they say so or not, will relate, and that to someone that can feel so alone is such a gift.

I think the key is not to learn how to live with feeling lonely, but rather to learn how to be alone in the sense of not currently being half of a couple without feeling lonely. How does one do that? Heck if I know, but it seems to me you are doing good things for yourself and venturing outside of your loneliness. I think it has to be a step towards the goal. Jen, I wish I could properly express just how inspiring you are to me, whether you are sharing progress or are expressing how tough things are. You have such a clear concept of yourself and if we both have to be on this journey, I count myself lucky to get to share this road with you.

Any time someone finds us that is newly widowed my heart breaks but I am also so very encouraged people are finding us that need people that get it. There are a few things that everyone could do to help build this community if they wish: 1. Keep posting and create history for people to read. We lost so much when YWBB shut down, but we are the pioneers of this space. We need to fill it with our experiences, advice we found helpful, struggles, and triumphs. I think second guessing whether or not to say something happens too much, not that I blame anyone. I do it myself because at times I feel like no one wants to hear from Suzy Sunshine (and I know sometimes I am so right about that!). The thing is that although something may have been talked about at length in the old forum, that discussion may not have happened here so getting your thoughts out there matters. Also, the simple fact is active sites rise in search results. 2. Outreach. For example, Justin and I have messaged people on Facebook that identify themselves as widowed in comments to public posts or articles that use Facebook for commenting, etc. The messages go to their "other" folder so they may not see it, but we have had some success getting new members directed here without publishing our site to non-widows. Also, if you hear of someone that has been widowed, see what you can do about passing the site name to them. If you have a blog and are comfortable enough with doing it (I know a lot of people wouldn't be comfortable), mention the forum to your readers. 3. If you identify a resource for widows that you think we should get this site added to, PM an admin or moderator with the URL and we can see what we can do. For example, Bluebird got us added to One Fit Widow. The more we are out there for the right people to find us, the better chance we have to be found. As someone that was newly widowed at the time YWBB was shut down, I can attest to the fact that even that board was slowing down in activity. I would refresh constantly waiting for someone, anyone to just say something. At times it would be hours. In my personal opinion, which may or may not be accurate, that had a lot to do with not getting new members activated. We try to be quick here on approvals. Typically, we are getting about 5-10 new members a week (we have had 2 in the past day). Some post, some do not, but all get approved in less than 24 hours. In fact, I think the longest wait anyone has had so far was 6 or 7 hours because we have to sleep occasionally. Now it is about getting them to find us in the first place. If you have other suggestions on increasing our visibility, please respond in this thread or PM. I want this place to thrive and by no means have the magic answer that will ensure that. Hopefully together we can figure it out.

I posted in General Discussion about my work triumph, but I didn't post about what happened after because I wanted to let it marinate in my mind for a while. So, after doing an awesome job in court, our company's General Counsel told me to take Friday off and do whatever I wanted and charge it to the company. The decision seemed clear- somehow I needed to make it to Disneyland and spend the day. For most people, the only feelings of dread associated with a Disneyland trip are the prices, crowds, and subsequent lines for attractions. For me, it was those things (minus the expense) but also it was a favorite spot for me and LH. He even proposed there. After we got married, we took a cruise out of LA and made time beforehand to spend a day at Disneyland. I knew there was no way he would want that place wrecked for me, so I knew it was my time to try to take it back. I found a bus service that would drop me off and pick me up, leaving me there for around 12 hours. I figured if it was too hard to be there, I could always take a long cab trip back to the hotel. I went ahead and booked it. Let me say, I am so glad I did! I haven't really felt LH with me for many months. But all that day, and I know this will sound so odd, I FELT him there with me. It didn't make me sad. Just the opposite, it made me happy. He was always really into the Haunted Mansion and so I tackled going on that ride right away. I remembered him telling me how he had loved it as a kid because because it was the first time he saw death as not being such a scary mystery. It comforted my heart. I walked around and saw various places we had sat together and glimpsed us in my mind's eye just being happy and enjoying each other. I visited the spot where he proposed and took a picture that I will add to the bottom of this post. But probably the best thing that happened all day was when I got on the Buzz Lightyear ride. He was super into high score hacks and always wanted the ride to stop at one certain part where he could blast a high scoring target repeatedly until the ride started up again. It never stopped there for us, but on Friday it did and I blasted the crap out of that silly target! As I walked to the bus at the end of the day, my feet sore and with a bit of a sunburn, I knew that I had reclaimed that place for me. It was like taking one last trip there with him, and from here on out, bring on the new traditions and memories.

I am glad you posted. Simply sharing you feel stuck IS something to offer because you by far are not the only one that feels that way and someone probably read your post and thought "oh thank goodness, it isn't just me." That said, I am sorry that is how you are feeling. It is hard to give advice on how to get unstuck because what we are going through is so individual and I think too that sometimes having periods of time when we feel stuck is just part of this. While it feels awful, it is not an unhealthy reaction to crap circumstamces. So, speaking for myself only, I have found I have had to not only want to be unstuck, but I have also had to give myself permission to not be stuck. For me, giving myself permission to really live seemed like a silly thing to do because of course I want to be happy, etc. But the more I thought about it, the more I saw I was letting my grief dictate how I was living instead of accepting right now my grief doesn't define me and instead is simply a large part of me. I have no idea if any of that is helpful. Again, with it being so individual the way I see things may be night and day from others.

Just got home a couple hours ago from my work trip. I have washed off the travel funk and am now comfortably changed into pajama shorts and t-shirt, flanked by my dogs that seemed to miss me over the past week. As for plans... I am wiped! Maybe ordering chinese or a pizza and just relaxing. Laundry can wait.

About a month or so before my husband died, we were run off the road on the way to work into a ditch going 70 mph. His quick reflexes saved us both from harm, but it felt like a close brush at the time. It shook us both up for sure.

Since Saturday, I have been in Los Angeles for work. Basically, my employer is in a high dollar lawsuit and I am one of two corporate witnesses. I had a lot of nervousness and let's face it, straight up fear that widda brain would kick in and I would mess it all up. As someone that tears apart the house looking for keys that are in her hand, I think it is a reasonable fear! This morning I took the stand and nailed it. No widda brain at all! I am relieved and even proud I was able to do it so I had to share with my wid family.

Our first meet was about 4 months into knowing each other and about a month from the time we figured out we were more than friends. He flew in to see me. When he was walking from the gate to baggage claim I made him call me because I knew for better or for worse, once we met in person things were going to change and I wanted just a couple last minutes in case it didn't go as I hoped. When I saw him, it was surreal. There were immediate sparks that were also cluttered with the natural awkwardness of adjusting to someone's physical presence. The awkwardness went away pretty quickly and things just felt natural.

Here is Justin and me during his and his daughter's recent 2 week trip to visit. Things are going really well despite being so far apart.

Yesterday was my one year. I tried not to build it up in my mind one way or another. This group of people, both here and at YWBB, had shown there was a wide array of possibilities for the day. Some make it through relatively unscathed and some melt down. I knew going in there was no right or wrong way for it to go, what would happen would happen. The day actually went okay. LH had died on my dad's birthday so I had decided the best thing to do would be to celebrate my dad and have a family BBQ. I had concerns about my mother because more often than not, when she speaks to me she often ends up crying, which makes me cry and then there are just puddles. She was very strong yesterday and supported me and my wishes. My new guy and his daughter are in town and joined us. I had wrestled as to whether that was appropriate until a friend said "Wait, you are wondering if it would be appropriate to have more people that love you around to support you on a tough day?" I thought about Joe often, but it didn't destroy me the way it could have. I thought about how he would be proud of me for choosing to celebrate. I thought about how happy he would be that I was taken care of and loved. I thought about how much he would have loved that day and more than that, how happy he would be that I can still have those days. I have learned I want to live life the way he would want me to live it, which doesn't mean chasing my own tail to have the dreams we shared together come true. It means living life in a way that makes me happy, because that was always what he wanted for me more than anything.

So, today is my one year and I was going to work on a post with reflections of my experience today. Then I got sidetracked with laughter. My MIL posted a comment to a picture I had posted commemorating the day. Her posts are often riddled with typos and difficult to understand, but this one is just... wow. Her grammar is pretty good for her, but her recognition of auto-correct changing my name? Not so much.

Welcome Briana. I am so very sorry you lost Jack. He sounds like he was a wonderful partner to you and father to your children. My husband did not pass as a result of suicide, but there are members here that are survivors of suicide that can lend you an understanding ear for that specific situation. All of us, no matter how our loved ones passed, understand how hard it is to live with grief and the desperation to find someone that gets it. Remember, it is okay to cry, it is okay to feel lost, it is okay to give yourself time. Keep posting and sharing as much as you need or want to. We are listening and we get it. I am wishing you much peace and comfort.

I first started seeing a grief counselor my employer arranged at 10 days out. We clicked and in the beginning I saw her on a weekly basis. Then I went to every two weeks. For the past several months, it has been once a month. The last couple visits, she has spoken to me about whether I felt ready to end counseling. I let her know I wanted to get through a year. At today's appointment, eleven days shy of the one year mark, she asked the question again and this time the right answer was clear. I am done. I do not think in any way that I am somehow magically done with my grieving. I know that grief will take some form for the rest of my life. The depth of my loss deserves that grief but also my husband so very much deserves to be grieved. Yet, these days, although there are still a lot of tears and times when I feel like it is impossible to get out of bed, my grief is more familiar and has become a less demanding companion. I feel like I know that part of me better, which is part of what I viewed my main goals of counseling to be. We left the door open for me to return if I ever feel the need or see a benefit, but for now I feel kind of like I have graduated in a way. Her parting words to me as I went to leave were that she has found meeting with me and seeing my progress to be rewarding, which is not always the outcome. I think I feel good about that.

This is a big happy! Good for you, TooSoon!

Hi Deb, I'm really happy you found us! I am so sorry you had a reason to look for us at all, but since you did I am hoping you find the same comfort that has helped me so immensely in my own journey. I know what you mean when you say people don't want to approach you because at almost a year out I know my proximity to others is enough to make them uncomfortable. It is hard to lose so much and then lose even more because people don't know what to say or somehow think grief is contagious. I am wishing you and your children much peace and comfort. Share as you need or want to, someone here will be able to relate.

Saturday night seems pretty identical to Saturday afternoon. I stubbed my little toe last night and the neat shade of purple and the pain I feel with every step tells me it may be broken. Hopefully not! So I have been laying on the couch all day with a pillow and blanket. I did get dressed in jeans and a t-shirt as to not traumatize the pizza guy though!

I got positive feedback on an idea I submitted at work. I have a follow up meeting in the morning to present it. It feels good to be doing well!

You can do this and you will succeed. Congrats and keep us posted!

It was really lovely to meet you, Rosie, and your niece. Safe travels to all of you.

Thank you all. This dream has been on my mind all day. I do think it has a lot to do with processing change... losing Joe, losing friends, losing our home together. But, I think that maybe it was a way of showing myself that I have not just lost, I have also built the foundation of a new life. I have gained some new friends, entered into a wonderful relationship, and became a home owner all on my own. I think my reaction of relief was nothing to be scared of but rather affirming I am on the right path. As for his anger, I think it was a reflection of my own anger at having to rebuild at all, not how I think he would feel. I think Joe would be proud of me. Or maybe sometimes a dream is just a dream...

I just woke up from a disturbing dream. I was staying at a local casino with my new guy and suddenly, LH showed up. His hair had grown out and he said "Well, you aren't an easy person to find." I of course was dumbfounded. I leave the hotel room with him to head home. He told me about how he had been undergoing treatment and how he couldn't understand why I never visited him. I told him I thought he was dead. I had a death certificate and a funeral. And he said "Yeah, I found out about that. That hurt, Jess. That really, really hurt." I kept saying "But they told me you were dead. It's been almost a year." and he just kept saying how much it hurt. We almost get to the house and I suddenly blurt out "Wait, we don't live there anymore." and instantly he said "What did you do?" I again explain he was dead and my mind starts racing with all of the decisions I made post losing him. How would I undo the past year to get him back into my life? And some things just couldn't be reversed. I felt panicked and felt scared of him and then I woke up. It took about five minutes to regain my equilibrium and tell myself no treatments happened, he died quickly and unexpectedly. He was never scary towards me like we was in that dream. It just wasn't him. But I think what scares me more than how he was in the dream is that once I got my grip back on reality, I felt relief he wasn't somehow still alive when I have spent months wishing for that very thing to somehow be true. Am I just totally screwed up?

Feeling this big time today as my friends' Facebook feeds show picture after picture of bbqs and fun. My invitation count for tonight? A big whopping zero. I try not to be bothered by this, but I am. A lot. Sometimes I feel that the weeks after he died were just token caring so they felt like they did their part. I can count the number of friends that really stood by me in a real, tangible way on one finger, yet the funeral was standing room only. Sad.

Jen, I have always been a big believer in you. This shift is major! And just coming to this conclusion does amount to a sizable hill of of beans, even if you struggle to find what will help fill up your life going forward. It's a journey, not the quick sprint we all wish it was. Thank you for continuing to share. It means a lot to more people than I think you can really imagine.

I supervise a team at work and they were given an agressive productivity goal to get to leave early for the long weekend. They hit goal three hours early. Days like that where everyone really pulls together make me feel fulfilled as a leader.