Jess

Operation dumpster is in full swing! It is tough to make some choices but progress is being made. It will be a good thing when done.

TooSoon, I'm going to perhaps error on the side of being a bit blunt. For me it boils down to one big decision which informs all of the other ones that fall in line with it... would you rather have family that helped you through a terrible time in your life be a plane ride away or the man you clearly love? We all have been taught the cruel lesson that life is too damn short. For some, that choice is too hard to make, but reading your words it seems like you have made this decision already. So what are you waiting for? The things that are most worthwhile in life can often be the things that scare us the most, and change can be really scary.

Being in a long distance relationship myself, I can certainly contribute to a discussion about the challenges. In my case, the distance is 1800 miles. There is no driving and meeting in the middle, it always has to involve a plane trip for a weekend or week here and there. While it is difficult, with the right person you connect with, it is possible and can even be a really positive thing, which is what my relationship is for me. All relationships take effort, but I have found that issues that would be small if you are in the same town become magnified. For example, when life happens and plans change, it is so important to communicate that to the other person since there is no other method for the other person to know. We learned that one really quickly. Also, with a LDR there is a reliance on technology. Last night my entire neighborhood experienced an internet outage, which meant that night's Skype hangout was effectively off. It was frustrating, but there really wasn't anything that could be done about it. When you get accustomed to video chat, sometimes having to default to just talking on the phone is not as good. Reading about Nuggets pulling off a successful LDR in the late 70's makes me feel a little spoiled to to say that, but it is what it is. Having an endgame is also important. We had serious conversations much sooner than I probably would have if I was seeing someone in town, but if ultimately neither person is willing to uproot themselves for the relationship, it would become a permanent LDR, which for me personally would get rather lonely and I would have to be faced with the decision as to whether or not those sporadic weekends and weeks were enough, no matter how strongly I felt. It is also perhaps a bit different being a widow in a LDR. When the other person is away, I end up missing two people in completely different ways. I miss my husband constantly but I understand he will never be coming back. I miss the other person in this LDR with me in a totally different way knowing that I just have to wait until the next trip or ultimately the time that we have decided would be right to close the geographical gap. It is a bit disorienting at times. For me, being in a LDR works because we have an endgame and a commitment to each other to make this work, but it is not for everyone. I am not sure if it were someone I didn't share such a connection with if I would be willing to face the challenges.

Yes, that's the one. Tempe Marketplace.

I love mac and cheese and I have used this recipe many times when I'm craving it: http://allrecipes.com/recipe/baked-mac-and-cheese-for-one/ It really is the perfect amount for one person- no leftovers which is huge for me as well because I don't do leftovers.

I have never been a fan of that phrase even pre-widowhood. I have always felt like it is a coping mechanism to make sense out of the senseless. No one has said this to me as a widow. I would like to think I would let such comments roll off my back, but I think in reality I would stew over it for a while. I do feel strongly that although there is not a reason for my husband's sudden passing, I need it to be more than just a horrible thing that happened. I need it to inspire me to make bold choices and live life bravely. Maybe that is my own way of assigning meaning to the meaningless, but what I do know is I am still here and I have to make that matter.

One of my dogs puked on the carpet. I was relieved when the puppy, who eats everything from blue jeans to shoes to soda cans, ate it while I was getting paper towel so I didn't have to clean it up. I am gross.

A side effect of this horrible experience has been clarity in my perception and expectations of others. Some were there in the beginning and faded, fewer have stuck with me throughout. Some people are not worth the effort of wondering why they don't seem to care, and your in-laws seem to fall into that category. Due to a strained relationship with my MIL, it is the first time I have had actual relief that my husband and I never had kids.

My husband died suddenly on my father's birthday. My dad met me at the hospital and held my hand as they gave me the news. Some birthday, eh? Luckily, the other anniversaries fell on days that weren't so significant, but for a long while Friday nights and Saturdays were so hard. He'd had his seizure just before midnight and was declared dead at 12:55am. I used to love Fridays and the weekend but then found myself hating them, dreading them, and just being so uneasy. Eventually, Fridays began to happen and I wasn't filled with dread. I can even say that today, 8 months and some change out, I am back to looking forward to Fridays. I think you have a really good plan in place this weekend and I hope that you have as much peace as possible. Eventually, the days like tomorrow will have less power.

Alright, let's get a final headcount! Is this right? Anyone I'm missing or being over assumptive is going? azjane Laura1017 OSAAT Justin +Daughter Jess(Jezzy)

ATJ, I really hope you do post your topic. I lurk in Beyond Active Grieving a lot, I always have since the beginning and yes, sometimes I take comfort in being a voyeur on the destination but what really helps is a peek inside the journey, be it complete or still ongoing, shared by those willing to tell their tales. We are all different so there is no set course, but identifying similarities is helpful beyond words. That said, I love this topic and the stories being shared.

Tomorrow I am ordering a dumpster to have delivered on Friday. It will be seven days of purging in preparation of a move I hope to be making in a couple months. For now, I just need to breathe without all of this clutter!

I went through this, too, but for different reasons. For me, shock hit me so hard I couldn't even remember my husband without struggling. We'd been together 10 years, married for 8 years, what kind of wife could I possibly be if I couldn't even recall the sound of his voice or his laugh? How great could our marriage really have been if I couldn't conjure up stories about us? I was rattled by these feelings and felt like a fake when people would say how good I was doing. For me, it was right about 6 months or so before I'd randomly get hit with those memories, each more vivid than the next. Our minds can shield us from a lot to make sure that we can make it through.

Who says there is any rule about how many tears you should or should not be shedding? Maybe those tears will come at some point and maybe they will not- either way, it is okay. While we all share the experience of losing a spouse, we are all different and our reactions are also often different. These reactions should not be a barometer to measure how much we loved our spouses. Just as your marriage was unique to the two of you, so is this journey of learning to live without her.

I am putting my vote in for Lucille's. Looks like we can make an online reservation there as well.

I also felt my husband had it easier because he left me to figure out how to make it through life with the crushing weight of emptiness weighing down every step I meagerly attempted to take. I felt indifferent to my own existence, not in a I wish I would die sort of way but more that I wouldn't really care if a meteor fell from the sky onto my house sort of way. These feelings do become less intensely felt as time goes by. Things start to become possible again and bit by bit, things start to matter again. This part of the journey you are in the middle of is so tough, but you can ride it out. When the next batch of crap happens, you will have the experience of remembering that you have weathered a storm before and can do it again. The important thing right now is make whatever attempts you can to take care of yourself. That means drinking water, trying to eat, doing your best to get sleep when you can get it. I am wishing you much peace and comfort.

This type may be a good alternative as it allows you to have it stop cooking and go to warming mode after however much time you choose: http://www.amazon.com/Crock-Pot-Programmable-Touchscreen-SCVT650-PS-6-5-Quart/dp/B001KVZTFO/ref=sr_1_5?ie=UTF8&qid=1427474426&sr=8-5&keywords=crockpot+with+a+delay+timer

(((Jen))) Thank you for writing this. Here is what I believe- we redefine what it means to be okay and that becomes the new benchmark. So for now, maybe okay is not giving up? I don't know. I have to believe as time goes on that definition will shift and raise the bar for being okay. I have the utmost respect for you as a person. This crap storm is so freaking hard and you have always so bravely and eloquently shared how you feel when you feel it. It is admirable. There were times in the past where I worried a bit for you, but you know what? I do not worry about you any more. At all. Instead, I just feel like you are strong in your own right, and I think that can tell you that I personally feel it will be okay, for whatever that may be worth.

Okay, how about 7pm, April 9th, location to be determined?

Okay, wading into this thread. I love musicals! This is a song from The Secret Garden I listened to often once I could handle hearing music again called "How Could I Ever Know" sang mostly from the point of view of a deceased wife, but eventually dueting with the widower:

I had the option of seeing my husband after he passed in the hospital. I was too much of a coward to do it. The friend that drove me to the hospital did go see him for me, which led to me calling him in the middle of the night about 3 weeks later so he could assure me who he saw was really Joe. I had concocted some insane fantasy that it was all a mistake and he was a John Doe. Since his wallet was still at home they wouldn't know it was him and to contact me. Seriously, seriously crazy stuff, so I understand the urge for further proof, but I worry for you that since he was in an accident those images may do more harm to your emotional well being than good, but ultimately it is your call to do what you feel is right for you. There is no right or wrong choice here, but just make sure you are very sure.

I say go for it.

Replace Target with the grocery store, and yep, been there done that one.

If dinner is easier that will definitely work for me.

I would personally like to vote for the 9th. I'm not picky on it being lunch or dinner. Here are a few restaurant suggestions to get this rolling. Please add any suggestions or feel free to say nay to any of these: Four Peaks Brewing Company: http://www.fourpeaks.com/our-pubs/menus/ Lucille's BBQ: http://lucillesbbq.com/locations/tempe Thirsty Lion: http://thirstyliongastropub.com/tempe/menu Thai Basil: http://www.thaibasil-tempe.com/ Macayos: http://www.macayo.com/location/tempe-depot-cantina/