kjs1989

Thank you for the thoughtful replies. Yes, I think mostly their concerns are the financial disparity. NG is comfortable with very little debt, but there is still a difference in our financial standing. My siblings are older than me and also very secure financially. I really don't think either one would have an interest in remarrying should they be widowed. Money is extremely important to both of them and is always a topic of conversation. Also, they saw my husband as sort of a superstar. They greatly admired and respected his success at a young age and also him as a person. NG to them is an "ok guy," but he will never measure up to D in their minds. They don't openly say that, but it is not that hard to pick up in their attitudes. They see him as a companion for me, but not a marriage partner. In other words, I think in their minds I would be "settling."

NG and I have been together for almost four years. We don't live together. He owns his house. I own mine.He is very financially stable and I am, also. We have no plans for cohabitation any time soon. Marriage doesn't really get talked about either, although I know he would be very open to living together and eventually getting married. I am just not there yet emotionally. Not to mention it would take sitting down with my attorney to sort out financials and do a prenuptial since I own a business. As I said, I am just not there yet, but have been hoping I might find myself there sometime with the support of my siblings and kids. I think my kids would actually be ok with the idea since they are getting on with their own lives see the advantages of Mom having someone special in her life. Well, this weekend my siblings were back in the area for my mom's memorial service. During some downtime we were talking about financial issues. I made some vague reference to remarrying eventually, sort of to test the waters a bit for their response, and my brother had a fit. He narrowed his eyes and looked at me, seemingly shocked, and said in an appalled manner, "That would be asinine! Why on earth would you even CONSIDER remarriage!! There would be NO benefits to that at all! Dumb!" He went on ad nauseum. I looked at my older sister, usually my cheerleader, but she also said it would not behoove me, and added her own two cents worth, though she stated it in a less forceful manner. I was so taken back I didn't know what to say. I stammered something about them not being in my shoes and how hard it is being on your own after 23 years of marriage and it was always something I hoped for someday when I was able to move forward. They remained adamant that pragmatism must take precedence and I would not be thinking straight to consider anything else. Wow. I felt like a 19 year old trying to justify moving in with my boyfriend to my parents. It just made me realize one more damn judgmental aspect to this widowhood thing. Right when I thought maybe I was doing ok and people (friends, family) trusted me to make decisions on my life at this point, I find that after almost five years that I am still being thought of as guiless. Just wanted to vent. Makes me sad and now I can't shake their reactions. I even feel guilty for THINKING of moving forward.

Great stuff!! NG's ex served him with divorce papers while he was on a rare golf outing with buddies nine years ago. She threw away a perfectly good, hardworking, and honorable guy who was a great dad, and immediately moved herself and their two kids in with a guy from her high school class who did prison time for drug dealing. So, she has regrets now. Early on I actually defended her a bit and tried to empathize with her situation and get NG to see things from her perspective when she would text or call about various issues. Well, that was just dumb on my part because I now understand she is a truly bitter and toxic person. She left me alone for awhile, but now I am often a target of her vitriol which is ridiculous as she only saw me in passing once at his daughter's college graduation. So yeah, such a tough situation when there is an angry, irrational ex inserting herself into your relationship. I truly feel like there are three of us sometimes in this gig. NG does not engage, but that does nothing to make her go away. Wish I had some advice for you, can only commiserate.

I think you are being very wise, indeed. It is OK to just love each other and see where things go. If you think you have any doubts at all, I would hold off. Eventually you may find you are ready. Time works in our favor that way. We have been through so much, why risk complicating our lives further? I am in a similar situation. If I wanted to get married tomorrow NG would jump on it. I am not ready to share my life and house with his "stuff" yet. He owns his own home, but he knows I am never leaving my beautiful home and neighborhood. He is ok with that. And yeah, if we were to live together it would mean his 16 year old son moves in with us part-time, And more "stuff" from a bitter exwife who surprised him with divorce papers while he was on a golf outing nine years ago, but still attempts to insert herself into his life at every opportunity. UGH. Nope, not yet. My life is has enough ups and downs. I know my limits. Bless those widows and widowers out there who have it all together and figured out. I hope I get there at some point. It has almost been five years.

Blech. That makes me shudder. At least he was honest. And great comeback on your part!!

The thought process is gradually changing on whether or not marijuana is physically addictive. Addiction disorder experts understand that it is for some people. As most of us know, there is a fine line between what goes on with the body emotionally and physically. It is all brain related, and of course the brain is part of our physical selves. Not everyone will will become physically dependent on marijuana, but some users will, and they will suffer withdrawal as my son indeed did. Granted, we are not talking heroin withdrawal, but it affected his life in profound ways and those around him. When he didn't smoke, he was depressed, anxious, anorexic, and angry. It was hell for him and those around him. I am talking HELL. So he would smoke, and then the symptoms of Cannibinoid Hyperemesis would gradually kick in and I would have a scary sick kid on my hands. Marijuana is such a mixed bag. I am a registered nurse and I realize and understand its health benefits for certain conditions. But, I firmly believe it is not the benign substance so many people want to believe. I think there is a lot to learn yet and I hope that happens with some serious research. So, DOE, as others have said, enjoy the next couple of years and wait until NG's son is on his own. No one will ever smoke pot in my house again.

DOE, That would not fly with me at all. I have nothing personal against marijuana either, and people can say it is swell stuff and harmless, and I am sure it is for some people, but I can tell you firsthand about the havoc it reeked on my now 22 year old son's life. He was diagnosed with Cannibinoid Hyperemesis Syndrome and was hospitalized three times along with numerous ER visits for hydration. He was near kidney failure at one point and also in metabolic acidosis at another point. They probed every orifice on him before concluding it was CHS. Yet, he continued to smoke and subsequently puke his guts out for days on end. I am disgusted when people say it is not addictive. My son was addicted, plain and simple. Pot came before everything else including his health. He was flunking out of college and threatening suicide. Finally, finally, with the help of a counselor at his university we got him into a rehab program through the university. Long, long story condensed, he is finally healthy and weed free. No, I would not want my 14 year old around a pothead. Just NO.

Hi bromans, It seems to me when your spouse dies in a horrific accident some people want to rationalize it, because of course it could never happen to one of THEIR loved ones. My husband died in a boat accident on a dark foggy morning when the boat driver was speeding to get to their duck blind before it was claimed by someone else, and he hit a channel marker in the river. My husband was thrown from the boat and drown in three feet of water. The question I repeatedly got was, "Couldn't he swim??" My husband was a scuba diver. Yes, he could swim, except that it is hard to swim when you are unconscious, which often happens when you are thrown with great force from a speeding boat perhaps hitting your head in the process.

It is truly brutal to deal with the business of death when you are in the throes of grief, but getting your own affairs in order is crucial, too. Updating my own will was one of the first things my attorney insisted upon doing. He set up a trust for my teenage children and assigned a trustee should something happen to me. I didn't think any of this was necessary at the time, but as certain things came to light in terms of the inlaws' own agendas, who I previously trusted completely, I am very glad things are now written in stone. It is sad and appalling how money and emotion cause people to to act so shockingly selfish and entitled.

That is a great reply, Rob. It kind of reminds me of how NG proceeded. He simply said he had a great time, hugged me and said he would like to do it again soon. He left it at that. He called a couple of days later with an invite to a blues concert. I liked how it played out. No kissy kissy, just a nice hug and a genuine expression of enjoying the evening. It gave me time to think and regroup a bit, too, so that when he called I was truly ready and happy to hear from him.

Yep, same here. BIL told others (who told me) that I am not a (married name) but my kids are. So...what does that make HIS wife?

Wow, what a haunting dream, piecesofapart . I have had dreams, too, about unresolved conflict. It is so unsettling, and yes it stays with me for weeks.

Serpico, I must commend you for really trying to understand where your wife is coming from with this adjustment. I think that is huge that you can talk about it and truly try to get it from her perspective. She is fortunate for that. I think it is so tough, this recoupling thing. Some people seem to have a much better handle on it than others. I admire that and wonder how on earth I will (or if I will) manage to pull it off myself, so after four years in a relationship, I just don't. Before I got involved with NG, who is divorced, I really thought a widower would be better for me. I tried that route, but there were just so many broken hearts all around----him, me, our kids. It just never took off for me. I had no vision of how we would move forward; it just seemed too complicated. It surprised me that I was so skittish. It was truly my issue, not his. Move on to meet divorced NG. Once he got past his propensity (and my shocked reaction) to say our situations were similar (his divorce vs my widowhood) we moved along quite well. He educated himself online without my prompting, and really came to understand our situations did not have much in common. But alas, what I have also come to learn about myself, is that my widowhood does not adapt very well to a bitter exwife, who even though out of the picture for years, still inserts herself and her dysfunctional behavior into our lives whenever possible. She has never met me, but disparages our relationship and me personally at every turn. Ugh. So now what? It often feels like there are three of us in this gig, even though NG does his best to not engage. So, I guess my point is, it is just HARD all around, widowed, divorced, whatever. I think it sounds like you guys are doing pretty well, and the fact that you came here to discuss the issue and seek feedback bodes well in my mind. Time is probably your best ally in this situation. You are still newlyweds. Adjustment will come bit by bit, and hopefully in a few years it will be evident how far you have come together. Edited to add: In all reality, NG does MUCH better with my widowhood than I do his divorce. In fact, he seems to have to no issues at all with it, and he has been tested, believe me. Ha.

That is very cool, Rob. Congrats! Here you are becoming an American citizen, while my son (you gave me some helpful advice regarding him and his move to Canada over two years ago) is looking to become a Canadian citizen. He is still in Vancouver and LOVES it.

I think many of us have found out things about our spouse after they are gone. It is maddening and heartbreaking when we can't have that, "What the hell!!" conversation. In my case, it was not sexual cheating, but monetary. When his accountants went through his personal financial files at the office they found he had "loaned" his brother a huge amount of money over a number of years. We are talking a HUGE amount of money. No wonder his brother expressed indignation and outrage about the accountants going through files before this came to light. At the time, I thought that was such an odd stand for him to take because I was grateful someone capable was sorting things out for me. So, no, not sexual cheating, which I can't imagine how difficult that would be to find out or suspect, but he kept a big financial secret from me. There were things we sacrificed and went without (needing a new vehicle, postponed vacations, house repairs, things the kids needed, etc,) while his brother literally bought a small home for his inlaws ( he paid cash!!) with our money. I am not kidding.

Truly amazing. Congrats!!

KrypticKat, gotta love people, especially inlaws, second-guessing and gossiping about every decision you make while you are in the throes of grief. I had that going on, too.

It's the assumptive attitude. That attitude reigned supreme with my husband's brother, too. He kept several of D's things and never asked if he could have them. I have two sons who may have wanted these things, and in my mind should have had first dibs.

KrypticKat, I get this. One of my best friends and I were talking about another widow's situation. I mentioned that she is a really nice person. My friend agreed, but added that she tended to avoid her because she always seemed so sad. I told her, "Well yeah, losing the love of your life tends to do that to a person." Just made me think I better keep putting the happy mask on every morning, even for my best friends.

Milojka, It is amazing how family, of all people, can spew forth some of the most insensitive comments. I have experienced that, too. My brother actually made the comment that he didn't understand why I wasn't coping better. After all, I wasn't by any means left destitute he said. Also, others experience this loss all the time and just pick up the pieces and go on. He then went on to name several people, including Katie Couric. My BIL (husband's brother) actually told someone who passed it on to me, that I am not a (insert married name) so the family business which my husband, with my support, worked so hard to grow five times over after BIL sold his shares to him, should be back in his control. Yep, gotta love family.

I apologize to those who may be offended by this post, but here goes. Ef the Catholic church to which my husband gave way beyond a generous amount of money and time every year. I am not a member, but I made sure my kids attended religious ed classes every week and participated in their volunteer programs. After he died, I did not receive one call from the priest, the deacon, or even a lay minister from the church to see how I was doing. It has been four years. BUT, I have received letter after letter saying I need to step up my tithing since it has fallen off from where it was when D was alive. $150.00 from my checking account goes directly to them every month. I will continue to do that in honor of D, but I do not have the income I had when my husband was alive and I have explained that, but yesterday I received a message on my cell phone from someone at the church who wants to "visit" with me. Perfect.

I would love to enclose a few of these in my Christmas cards in response to all the "my life is perfect" cards I get every year, but I don't think it would go over well. I can hear it now in fact: "Wow, she is still has so much grief anger... It's not healthy... She really should be moving on by now.... and yadda yadda yadda..." ;D

I almost passed up NG because he left the smoking line blank, which pretty much indicated to me that he did indeed smoke. And smoking is a huge deal breaker to me. But, for some reason I was intrigued enough to just give it a go and meet him, whereas I bypassed all others who smoked. And yes, he was a smoker, but wanted to quit and had tried numerous times. I guess I was finally the the incentive because he has not smoked in four years. Other deal breakers to me... financially unstable or bad credit history, anger issues, poor employment record, no friends, drug or alcohol abuse, arrest record of any sort. In my state you can plug a name into the state courts online site and up pops all sorts of interesting tidbits from speeding tickets to foreclosures to assault charges, It is all there. I did that early on once I had a guy's name, and instantly eliminated quite a few. I was really surprised at the domestic assault charges against guys that seemed ok at first. But... sorry, JUST NO. I don't care what his side of the story is, if he hit someone, he is not for me. NG was "clean" needless to say. Speeding ticket ten years ago was it.

I had always heard even long before I unexpectedly lost D, that a widowed person should wait a year before making any major decisions. Looking back, I see that to be very true in my case. I almost made a complete mess of our family company by an early bad judgment call in asking my BIL ( husband's brother who had not been involved in the company for 25 years) to help run the business. It was a disaster and the company most likely would have been run into the ground under his arrogant leadership. Fortunately, trusted employees in management at the company saw the writing on the wall and stepped up to the plate to fix things and kindly help me see straight. I also think I probably started seeking out companionship too soon. Luckily for me it has worked out, but thinking back to my frame of mind those early months, ugh, I am extremely lucky I met NG. I sure wouldn't advise anyone to take the path I did. My judgment was just not there.

Ack, it is so unfortunate there are so many scammers, questionable motive types, and issue laden people on these sites. I lucked out and met someone "normal," as have many friends and acquaintances, but the process can sure take a lot out of a person in the meantime.