kjs1989

I'm with Captain's Wife on this. It is tough to do so, but I agree with the notion of not taking the failed connections personally. I had some of the same exact scenarios as you, CW. One guy I thought was a really good fit for me on paper after several really nice email exchanges, decided he was still too broken hearted after his divorce to set up a meet date. I was disappointed beyond belief and wondered why the heck he bothered in the first place. Another guy ended up meeting someone else just prior to our exchanges and ended up in a relationship. It didn't work out; he contacted me again and we met, but by then I was in the very early stages of my current relationship. We are still friends, as my digitally artsy son ended up doing some work for him. To this day he often damns his timing to me in a good natured way. It is such a rough go, online dating. I cringe at some of the junk and just pure ickiness I encountered. Dating in general is just so messy, and indeed people are very complicated with their own agendas and needs. When you make that rare, truly successful connection, it really can be worth the headache, heartache, and hassle, though.

I'm sorry, Rob. All three of my kids who are now 26, 22, and 20 have contributed hugely to my anxiety issues after losing D five years ago in October. Stuff I didn't need on top of grief. And dealing with the issues on my own has been brutal. So much of their life junk and crises have just seemed very unnecessary and self-induced. I know they are also suffering, but sometimes it seems the lack of insight as to the heartache, stress, and worry they have brought upon me by their actions or lack thereof, is just so incredibly selfish that it boggles my mind. I have spent so much of the past five years waiting for the other shoe to drop in a kid crisis. And these have not been minor issues, but the kind that brought me and which ever kid was in crisis at the time to therapy. Oh, the stories I could tell you. The most helpful thing for my kids has been a dose of maturity. Thank God raising kids is not a static situation.Your girls are younger than my kids. Maturity is a wonderful thing. I think your girls will get there. You are a good dad. That is evident in your postings. You love your daughters and they KNOW that. They need to meet you halfway. I think it will happen. I can finally say that all three of my kids are in a good place now. I hope it sticks. You actually helped me with some information that got my oldest son on the right track when he dropped out of college unbeknownst to me three years ago. You were familiar with Vancouver and sang its praises when I inquired. That made me feel more confident in sending him there where he attended a very intense year of school and is now employed as a very successful and happy visual effects artist in Vancouver.

Yeah, vulnerability leaves us well, vulnerable. It doesn't happen as much here as on the old board, but perhaps quite a few of us do think once or twice before posting something "sensitive" if we have been corrected or censored before when we laid all that ugly soul baring nakedness out there. I know the first time it happened to me here I thought, "ok then, won't do that again!" Even this place is not as safe as it should be and that surprised me early on. Now I cringe when I see others taken to task for their "humanness." ( Is that a word? Ha.) Don't get me wrong; the vast, vast majority on this board are thoughtful , empathetic, and so profoundly eloquent in their written words that I usually read the responses two or three times because I am so blown away. Words that just won't come to me! But then, there are a few that I just don't understand what their motivation is in putting others in their place, and then claim to "stand by it" when confronted by more supporting members regarding their snarkiness. What is the payout for these people? And Maureen, bless you, you are one of the most caring and supportive members on this board. I may not have answers, but I read everything you post and my heart is with you. Please be as vulnerable as you want. Many of us are listening,

I am sorry, KK. Those who can maintain a good relationship with the in-laws after losing their spouse are indeed fortunate. I think in the heartbreak of grief and the almost panicked and at times self-serving need for the in-laws to hang on to their relationship with our spouse, they forget that we widows/widowers and our children are the primary family and our choices and wishes take precedence. This was a huge problem with D's brother, who was very much there for me in the beginning. At the time, I was in such a foggy state of mind that I just wanted decisions made for me. I was agreeable to almost everything he proposed. Fortunately, I had good advisors looking out for me. When the fog cleared and I started to make decisions on my own that didn't always benefit him or solidify what he saw as his predominant relationship with his brother over me, things went south. I lost trust in him after several attempted underminings in business and in personal situations. I still want to believe he is a good person, but that in his grief he was driven by emotion to do and say the hurtful things he did. We have no relationship at all now. I am not sure it can ever be fixed. Now that D is gone and I won't be controlled, there is no need for me. The really sad part is the kids are left in the fall-out.

Hi Sara, I lost my husband of 23 years in an accident, too. He left to go duck hunting with several other guys on a dark, foggy October morning in 2012. Running late and in a hurry to get to their duck blind, the boat driver struck a concrete channel marker in the Mississippi River. My husband was knocked unconscious and drowned in three feet of water. My kids were older, in their teens, but like you, the thought of suddenly becoming a solo parent was completely overwhelming. And dealing with all of the "business of death" issues was utterly brutal in the throes of grief. I found the only way I could function was to just go literally one day at a time. I had no thoughts to the future at all, except survival. I did reach out very early on to other widows and widowers further out than me who seemed to have found their way. That was one of the most beneficial things I could have done. I am still very grateful to those who helped me and let me know the kids and I could survive this, because there was a period of time I truly thought I could not do it. So here I am five years later. Still so surreal that this is my life. I am doing ok. The kids seem to be doing ok. I am in a relationship. Many really good things have happened to me these past five years. I won't lie and say it has been easy. In fact, there has been some real heartache getting to this point. All three of my kids have had some sort of major life issue the past five years that I had to deal with on my own. I needed D so badly during those times. I feel like those 23 years with D was life A, and this is Life B. It is the hand I have been dealt and I am doing the best I can. I want to show my kids that we are going to make it, that life is still good and we need to try each day to to live the best life we can and find joy where we can. That has been my motivation and survival techinque. I actually had depression issues on and off during my marriage, just the day to day life frustrations of dealing with kids, family, work, conflicts, pressures. Now, I wonder what the hell. I had such a charmed life. Talk about perspective! Sara, I think you will find what works for you in healing. It is different for everybody. I still have days where I want to fall to my knees and just quit, just be done. But I don't. I always hate when people say, " You are so strong. I couldn't do it" Please, what choice do we have? We just bumble along and figure it out, and hopefully make good choices once the fog clears a bit.

Ef the few people that still feel the need to "correct" my grief if it doesn't jibe with their vision for me. An inlaw was here visiting with other family over the weekend. Tomorrow is the five year date of losing D in that stupid mindless 100% preventable accident. While the two of us were alone in the kitchen having coffee Saturday morning, he brought up D, and eventually the conversation led to questions about how the kids and I and are coping at this point. I briefly expressed my thoughts the best I could and my feelings at this point, being rawly honest with my mental state in terms of the gains I think have made as well as the setbacks in the brutal process of moving forward through this horrendous loss. I guess I should have just said it was all fine and we were doing great, because when I expressed my feelings, I was met with , "Well, no....blah blah blah blah....moving on.....leaving the past in the past.....blah blah blah... what D would want....blah blah blah.... what is best for the kids....blah blah blah......and BLAH Ok then, thank you for setting me straight with MY feelings.

Klim, I hear you. I always thought it would be so completely devastating to lose my parents, and there was a time I almost obsessed over the thought. But then I lost D in the prime of life with three teenagers at home five years ago. Two years later my dad was gone. Then last December my mom died. I was sad, but also quite stoic about it, and although my kids were heartbroken, they, too, realized it was indeed the circle of life and moved forward through the grief quickly. The loss of their dad, well, no, that is something with us every day. Every single day. I guess all we can do is just vent like this, because their loss is personal to them and relative to their life experiences, of course. But, no, not the same. I have also experienced something similar when a divorced friend offered condolences to my loss and said she could emphathize with my kids' grief as her children were "going through the same thing." Ummm, no they weren't. I saw their dad shouting encouragement at the son's baseball game the next weekend and presenting his daughter with flowers and hugs after her dance recital a few weeks later. But that is a whole other thread. 😉

You are taking care of YOU! Better things are ahead. After what we have been through, it is just a blip on the radar of life. Believe that.

Bunny, I loved your post. That has been so hard for me, too, knowing everyone for the most part has moved on now at five years, and the kids and I are still here wallowing in the hollow void left by one very incredible human being. I want to say and remind people... do you remember, do you REALLY REMEMBER what a dynamic, remarkable guy he was? He was a beloved boss to over 100 employees, a loyal friend to a dozen or so individual guys who referred to him as their "best friend" to me, and a respected leader in the business and civic community. There were over1000 people at his funeral. And now, like you, I find myself wanting to move forward from the pain, but simultaneously wanting to hang on to him and the bittersweet memories for dear life. And so true, it sucks to know that more and more with time, he is becoming "just another dead guy" to the vast, vast majority of those people who grieved at his funeral. I am very thankful for the handful of very close friends who never cringe when I say his name or rehash a shared memory. I am thankful when they, too, say his name and offer their own precious recollections.These are true friends.

That damn paperwork is so irritating....having to present the death certificate as well as probate papers to prove I am the sole beneficiary. Some people I deal with are very kind and accommodating; others, I just want to throttle. The estate account has been closed for over two years now, but once in awhile I still get some sort of check make out to D from a closed investment or whatever. One banker at Wells Fargo knows me and is very accommodating. She just deposits it for me. But last time I dealt with an older, curmudgeonly guy who put up every roadblock he could. He wouldn't even look at the death certificate and court papers. Oh, no, he said, it was absolutely against regulations to deposit this check. I needed an estate account. (Well, duh, buddy. ) I explained the estate account had been at another bank and was closed two years ago. Well, then, I needed to call the company that issued the check and send them all the court papers and blah.... blah...blah.... We are talking a 25.00 check. I persisted and he finally consulted another banker who looked up my account. Immediately they saw what sort of "relationship" (as they termed it) I had with the bank and all of a sudden the old fart became the kindest, most accommodating banker ever. He went on at length about how he is so experienced at helping widows like me and if there is ever anything he can do to help me with my banking needs to ask for him personally. Just blech. I feel very fortunate my attorney took care of the vast majority of the paperwork dealing with the house deed and all other joint property we had. He was a step ahead through everything as estate work is his speciality. It is just one more overwhelming thing to deal with in the throes of grief.

These dreams are so unsettling. I will go long periods of time with no dreams of him, and then go through periods where I dream of him frequently. One dream about a year and a half after he died has stuck with me because it was so real and left me feeling so empty. I kept trying to call him. He had left us, but I was not aware of where he went or that he had died, really, only that he was "gone." I kept thinking there was a mistake, a misunderstanding, because he would never leave his family. Finally, I got ahold of him on the phone, but all he could tell me was that he was he was ok and happy, and that he was with people who understood him. I pleaded with him, but it was of no use. Ugh, that dream still leaves me feeling so hollow inside. I wish I could be more helpful, Nolagirl, as to the meaning of your dreams and how to move forward from them. All I can say is I get how unsettling it all is.

Guaruj, I understand where you are coming from with this issue. Many years ago my best friend stopped returning my calls. I tried so hard to reach her repeatedly. Eventually I sent her a card and note, told her I missed her and that whatever she was going through I would be there for her in her time. Eventually she did reach out to me, but it was over a year later. Things seemed fine and we picked up where we left off for the most part. Then, in a quiet moment she confessed what she had been going through. She had become a raging alcoholic and pill popper which transpired due to self medicating severe back pain. She eventually was treated in an inpatient rehab program and was well into recovery when she contacted me.This, the girl who drank only a very rare wine cooler when we were in college. It was all unbelievable to me and I couldnt help but wish more than anything that she had reached out to me for help. But she didn't... and I couldn't understand why. I took it all very personally. Then, when D died she was there for me. She would call almost daily. And often I found myself not answering her calls. It was just too much for me to bear and I felt like I needed alone grief time. It was nothing personal against her. I did that to everyone. But she would show up at my door anyway and just sit with me in silence. She would answer my phone for me. She would do my laundry. She would bring food. She would drive my daughter places. She didn't require anything of me emotionally. I am so thankful to her. I wish I would have done the same for her. I should have gone to her house and been there for her regardless, but I didn't know what to do, so I didn't do anything. I am a nurse with a psychiatric background, and I dropped the ball for my friend. I say to keep reaching out to your friend, and it sounds like you are. Send a note. Stop by. Bring food. Do whatever you have to do to be there for them, even if it is low key and in the background.

hikermom, You and I are very close in our timelines. It will be five years October 12th. What you wrote....I read it three times. Poignancy.... in the most profound definition of the word.

Sugarbell, Yeah, similar response from my NG to her rantings. Brief yes, no, or to the point replies to her run-on texts which makes her crazy....and she will say, "That's all you have to offer to this situation after everything I have told you? Blah blah blah...." And so it goes. He ignored the "Love you" sign-off, btw. I just want her to go away..... *sigh*

Thanks for the feedback. Some really good points here. I can see where he would not want to create more conflict and drama by sharing every communication from her, which is nearly daily, and then me dwelling on it, which admittedly I may be apt do at times. In the early days of our relationship I actually tried to defend her a bit to NG and encourage him to be more tolerant, but now I know better. I don't push the issue, and he does of course share some of her over the top rantings, demands, and drivel, but otherwise it feels like I have to ask what her latest communication involves in order to be in the loop. He is just very reticent to expound. And some of her communication to him after eight years post divorce, I must say, makes me a bit uncomfortable, like when she signs off..."Love you...." Ick. It just feels weird to me that there is this third person frequently attempting to weigh in on issues in his life ( using their kids as a conduit to do so) and sometime those issues involves the two of us directly or indirectly. Uncharted territory for me completely.

I can so relate to all of the blending difficulty posts as of late. It brings me to another blending issue so to speak, that makes me wonder how others handle it or where my boundaries are with NG, or if there are any boundaries for me at this point. We have been together for four years. We do not live together. I am not ready to blend to that degree. I like to think we are building toward a future together eventually, but sometimes I feel like we have stalled out a bit, and when I fully analyze it, it seems to me it mostly involves his ex's constant communication and me feeling like I am out in left field a bit regarding this communication. NG does not like his ex. That is obvious. Any respect he had for her is long gone. He does not like to talk about her in any terms. Yet, he must engage with her (even if minimally) at times because of their kids and other issues where she forces him into the fray of often created drama which also usually involves their kids. But it is not always about their kids, sometimes she just rants about this and that or brings up past issues of their marriage she has not resolved. Sometimes she even trashes me, although I have never formally met her and have never been anything but stellar in how I treat their kids or flexible in our plans to accommodate him spending time with his kids ( ages15 and 23). My issue is that I feel at this point I should be able to fully have access to their communication, but unless I specifically ask about situations, I am usually out of the loop and because he does not like to talk about her, the topic quickly gets swept under the rug. He has let me read some texts from her now and then, or will read them to me, but otherwise he is quite private about his phone. So, you wids out there in a relationship with someone divorced, how open is your SO to letting you in on all communication with the ex. Should I even care?

OMG.....I could have written your post. We are not living together yet, but as I write this we are on a lake vacation with his son, his son's friend, my daughter and her friend, and one of my sons and his girlfriend. Just getting a very small dose of what cohabitating or blending would be like, and I am exhausted. And yes, NG also tends to have a short fuse at times over minor issues. Combine that with my anxiety issues since D died, and it makes for fun times. Add to that his ex-wife texting every day trying to micromanage their son's vacation from 350 miles away....makes for great times indeed. A bit off topic, but on the whole blending issue which is so foreign to me having been in a very stable marriage for 23 years, NG's 15 year old son's friend with us on this vacation often brings up stories of things he has done with his mom and "dad." He qualifies which dad he is referring to (e.g., my real dad, my old step dad, my second step dad, my new step dad....) Ee gads.....what some people put their kids through...I don't get it.

Haha...I am the crazy widow on the circle everyone is probably talking about. Less than two years after D died I did an addition to the entire side of my house...another 500 sq feet. Yep, it cost a lot of money, but it was something D and I talked about, but he hedged and hedged and hedged. So I did it. I just did it. I sometimes think I did it mostly because I needed a distraction and something to focus on other than grief. I needed to know I COULD do it on my own. It was not too bad, some challenges along the way, but the contractors were great really, and we had fun and laughs. I looked forward to them showing up bright and early every morning. It was a relief when it was done, but I actually sorta missed the hub bub. And best of all, have a master ensuite to swoon in now.

DOE, I get this. She sounds quite similar to NG's ex in some respects, always finding a reason to text him about random stuff. His daughter is 23 and son 16. They are perfectly capable of communicating directly with their dad without her being the go-between. Her texts range from accusatory, nagging, and controlling...."you didn't do this.....you need to do that....why don't you this.....why don't you that....you never this...you never that.... you're a terrible dad...I hate you...." Then, just the other night she flipped to...."Oh, thank you so much for taking care of that.....you always say the right things... you always know just what to do....you're such a great dad...love you...." For real, she said, "Love you." They have been divorced since 2008. She filed papers while he was on a rare golf trip and called to surprise him with the news. Then she took the kids and moved in with a dude as soon as the ink was dry. NG just rolled his eyes. Blech. Yeah, I am with you on this....car repairs....house repairs....libido repairs....JUST NO.

Yeah, I am sure if I approached him he would do the "right "thing. I am just mostly venting about how bone-headed, inconsiderate, and assumptive some people can be unless you call them out on it. Hello!! I am on my own over here! If you can't help me out on occasion at least take care care of your own crap!

Ef the home builder/general contractor/ bar and pizza joint owner neighbor directly to my west in his 7000 square ft. McMansion. When D died he called me and offered to help with stuff that needed fixed that D left undone. Never happened. He did have a few pizzas sent over from his restaurant at the time D died, so there's that. Anyway, big ostentatious house with a neglected lawn. Weeds growing out of his shrubs out front, patchy looking lawn, plentiful dandelions, whatever. He or his 19 year old sons mow his lawn well after it has gone to seed but leaves it to me, the empty nest widow, to weed whack the mail boxes between our property along with the grass around the property line utility boxes. If I didn't do, it just wouldn't happen. Annoying, but no biggie. But then this....we had a brutal wind storm Friday night. I got up to let the dog out at 5am and was completely disheartened to see huge branches, sticks of all sizes and just general debris all over the back yard from the line of willow trees behind our two houses. Instead of going back to bed, I started the clean-up process . I worked for three hours mounding branches in three huge piles. I will pay a lawn crew to come haul the piles off for me as I did earlier this spring. I noticed Neighbor also had a mess in his backyard. Mess left until yesterday, and then after being gone all day I noticed his lawn was cleaned up. But guess where he piled them? My piles! That meant he had to drag his crap all the way through my yard to add to the piles near my house. I thought maybe he would leave me a message to tell me and offer to split the cost to have the stuff removed. Nope! He waved at me this morning from his deck and went back inside. People SUCK.

Haha, love it, Faye, The swilling wine part I got down. Got only one cat. And a dog. Watch my movies on Amazon. Keep telling myself I need to develop new interests and meet new friends. Maybe I should go to a new church, or any church for that matter. And yes, life is short. I should just do what I wanna do. And I am getting over it. I was just very bummed after their reactions. Just one more shitty judgmental thing about losing D. The grief I expected, and the having to rebuild my life, but truth be told I envisioned being in a different place after almost five years. And I didn't expect to be still be placed in this box for "safekeeping" so to speak by my own family. Venting here is cathartic to say the least.

Congrats! It is surreal, isn't it? This middle aged widow thing. And getting married again! Something I certainly can't get my brain around. It sounds like the perfect wedding, intimate and in a beautiful setting, exactly as I would also want it. Very cool.

momof2, Oh my gawd, your scenario sounds like the stories my college daughter tells me about about the frat guys she meets. On and off like light switches. Discouraging that they don't grow up. Little entitled boys whose mommies have coddled them their whole lives. BLECH!!

Wow, BINGO, Trying! Everything you said. NG has been there for me through so many crises after D died---situations with my kids, the business, inlaws, etc., and he has not freaked out or run away. He has been stellar. And yes, he is my go to and fix it guy. My " in case of emergency" guy. I love him. Our situations sounds quite similar. My siblings are nearing retirement age, and although they are both very financially secure, as I am also, they constantly discuss their retirement futures and express concerns about health insurance costs, investments, pensions, social security, etc. And Faye, no, they are not concerned they would need to help me down the road; they just see little benefit and many complications in remarriage for me. For example, yes, it is true that if I remarry before age 60 that I will be unable to draw on D's social security, which would be considerably greater than either my own or NG's. NG also has child support for five more years, college expenses down the road, less equity in his home, still helps his adult daughter financially, and several other expenses I don't have. But, it would be make my heart warm to know I have their support if and when I decide I want to marry NG. They are the only family I have now as my parents are gone. They don't see it as a smart move. Forget love or emotional security! And up to this point, I have not seen it as a smart move either, but now after being widowed for almost five years, I feel like my thought process may be changing, and I could see moving in that direction in the next couple of years....maybe. Just makes me second guess my thinking, but the support here and feedback helps so much. Others have been there and worked through the issues, I realize.