SimiRed

Congrats on starting a new career!!! You'll do awesome!

First, let me say... I'm very sorry that I've been neglecting all the other threads and not keeping up with everyone else. I will hopefully have time in the near future to find myself some sort of routine to get back to my "peeps" that I love and adore so very much!! I miss my family! I was out of town for a week, and I am just getting back. Looked for a new place to call home ✓ Listen to the constant begging to come back ✓ Hug my son and my pets ✓ Contact Lawyer to verify things still moving along ✓ Map out route to drive 16 hours away from this hell ✓ Open new bank accounts in new place ✓ Change direct deposit information ✓ Continue to update/change addresses ✓ New Cell phone ✓ (other one crapped out on me... that was fun) Pet records from vet ✓ It was so easy to believe the lies I've been told - stupid, aren't good enough, can't make it on my own, I don't have what it takes to leave, etc. Everyone here has helped me to believe that I CAN do this, that I WILL do this..no matter what! Thank you for believing in me and supporting me! It has been an emotional rollercoaster and although logically I know he will never change, it is still difficult to actually leave and keep moving forward. I am at the sad realization that I cannot love him enough to make him change. At times, I become frustrated with my self with the ways my mind plays tricks on me into having second thoughts. No, don't worry... I will NEVER go back! I want starting over to be an exciting adventure, not to feel like I've made a mess of things and feel guilty for any stupid choices. Not only do I need to learn to live again (alone), but to feel happy again, to connect again to the things I enjoy. I need to learn to take pleasure in the small things and not fret so much about silly things. I will go to a place where I do not have one single friend, I will know not a soul, I will unpack, shop for furnishings, figure out a decor that is ME... sleep on the floor for a while maybe, til I find a bed that I want, that I like, that is what fits who I am. I have no clue where to even begin, but... Begin, is what I'll do. Courage, that is what I need...courage to deal with my moods and to be in control of them and to not allow them to be in control of me. I need to learn from my choices and from my mistakes. I need to learn how to not feel so broken, unlovable, untouchable. I need to learn how to trust again. I want to be able to not ever let anyone hurt me again. Whether it be a man, or a new friend, or anyone. I don't want to be bullied, pushed, or taken advantage of ever again. I never knew what emotional/verbal/mental abuse could do to a person. I've never seen such rage or experienced more punishing horrible words from anyone before in my life. It steals your identity, your strength, your confidence, self-esteem, your goodness to always look for good in others. I want to be that great example for my son that my late DH knew I could be. I want to be the one who teaches him self-confidence, strength and goodness. I want to learn to trust again, but I'm so SCARED to! I want to have hope again, I want to be that someone special, so special that enflicting pain, whether physically or emotionally will never ever happen again. I'll always have fear of someone hurting me again. Why? Because in the beginning, he was sociable, charming, attentive, well-respected by others, and loving, he made me feel like the most important person in the world to him. See how easily I fall? How do I protect myself from the outward appearance of anyone else ever again?

Been away for a short time, hoping that the time away would help the healing process. Guess it's too soon for that. It'll be back to working on my list to keep moving forward, I have to. Never look back, isn't that what they say? Gosh, that's no where near as easy as it sounds! I will soon be back to the loneliness, no companionship, or not a single soul to bounce many day off of. Eh, I'm only fooling myself if I think I had that anyway. Soon, I'll be making the 18 hour lonely drive, to a place where I will not have a single friend. It's okay, I'll have my new beginning. It's what I need. I'm scared of every new day, what it will bring, the challenges I will face. But, I am a survivor, I have a good head on my shoulders, and I will find the way back to learning how to laugh again. I am still getting emails, texts, calls, etc. But, he is only searching for his happiness. No longer will anyone suck the life out of me!!! It's a shame, he never knew what special gifts of myself and my son that he held in his hands. Not bosting myself, but, he lost a whole hell of a lot. Back to one more day of being away, then back to my to-do list.

((( HUGS))) Sending the biggest hug I can!!!

Checking in.... He got his papers. Still calling and leaving messages that I need to call and stop this. I know I don't want to live under his authority anymore, I know he won't change as much as he says he will. He was blind to what he was destroying til it walked away. I know that I deserve to feel important to someone, to be someone's rock, shoulder, or just that person that your proud to say "I'm hers/his". I didn't feel that, I felt hidden, not good enough to stand by his side. I didn't want it to be like this. I'm tired of the deep hurt that he caused. I need to learn how to be stronger, how to never fall like this again. I'm so afraid of that because I am easily a trusting, caring and giving person. How does one ever learn whose real and whose not? How does one trust after this? I don't want to live with regret, I want to live with self confidence, my feet solid on the ground, and know that alone forever is better than the dark hole of never being good enough for anything.

But WHY do I still care? WHY does it still hurt? WHY? I don't want it to, I want to be that "Tough Girl" that has no heart. Just rip it out!! I have to let go of the good to let go of the bad. I know he loves me, he probably always will. I do NOT want to feel this emotional stupid pain! He was served his papers today.....

Son safely out of state ✓ Four phone calls today starting at 6am that I DID NOT answer ✓ I'm trying my best to keep focused. I find myself having too much idle "thinking" time, since I don't have to run to the house to pack, run here to do this or run here for that errand. Which is NOT GOOD. I'm missing having someone to share my day with or my thoughts with. Even though I know that sharing would only end in him twisting my words into a knife to thrust into my back. When I find myself second-guessing my decision to leave, I MUST think about the crap I tolerated for so long and tell myself that I don't want his manipulative behaviors back in my or my son's life. Why do I get afraid to NOT answer his calls? How do I learn how to not be afraid I'll be in trouble cause I didn't answer his call? Why am I still acting like the person who is under that control? I'm tired today...

Year Six... yea, where does it go? It'll be six years for me in September. You're allowed to grumble! How did Kindergarten graduation go? Ugh, I know that was a bitter sweet evening. {{{HUGS}}}

Maureen, I'm glad that MIL was decent to you!! Safe travels, my friend!!! Have fun tonight!!!!

Safe travels!!! Have a Super Fantastic journey with your niece and Rosie!!

I waited for things to get better. I stayed optimistic that things would change. I questioned many times if I should leave. That was the first sign that I should. I looked for signs that I should stay. And sometimes if I looked hard enough, I found them. I leaned on friends and built up a tribe around me. They supported me. They always did. But it took me forever to be strong enough to do it. The support everyone has shown me brings tears, I am PROUD to call all of you my widda family!! Maureen... Seeing you just gave me more strength, it was every widda that was there in spirit with you that got me through Saturday. Whew, I am SO glad that time was on my side and it kept moving! This weekend is done... It was difficult. First, the delivery time changed on the POD, it was supposed to be there Friday, but didn't end up getting there until Saturday morning. I got there as soon as they were dropping it, they had already given the invoice to husband and he was questioning where they were delivering it. It's being stored in their warehouse, that's all... I have no home, you fool! That's all he needed to know. I will say that he helped load the POD with all the boxes I packed, the big stuff that was heavy. Maybe that was because my family surrounded me. Every chance he caught me alone I got the "I'll help you unpack it, just me and you", "we're still married, you can come over next week and XXX", groping me, grabbing me, wanting a hug, kiss... asking me if I still love him, asking me why I'm treating him like trash. Feelings of guilt, sadness, anger, weakness, etc. Ugh, the emotional turmoil was terrible. I was so emotionally exhausted by the end of the day I just wanted to cry...but held it together, It's like I'm not allowed to cry, no one would understand anyway... I'm leaving a horrible situation, but I still hear in my head, "You're just throwing our relationship away, it's easy for you to run than to take the burden of actually trying to work on anything" That's not true, I don't think so. I tried in so many ways, to a point there was nothing left of me to give anymore. I left because I couldn't live with the emotional, verbal and mental abuse anymore. I left because I need to respect myself. The sadness became too much, the stress too overwhelming and the hurt enclosed me. I couldn't leave earlier because I kept believing and hoping things would get better. That he would see the sadness in my eyes and actually look further than skin deep. Now... I need to learn how to forgive myself for letting him mistreat my son and I for way too long. What I accomplished today: Because YES, I am still moving and keeping my eye on the prize... Transferred Vehicle to Me Only ✓ Got all records from school ✓ Prepare packet of medical and school information to send with my son ✓ Filled the gas tank... since there must be a hole in the tank somewhere ✓ (kidding, I've been driving everywhere lately) Got travel cage for smaller pets ✓ Loaded vehicle for my son's travel away from me ✓ For now.... Grocery store, since I should eat... ✓ Pet store, left biscuits at the house, but not going to get them ✓ Filled out new address forms at Post office ✓ Updated some email addresses ✓ Somewhat organized my chaotic mess of paperwork ✓ That's it for today... I'll keep picking myself up, keep digging for the courage and try to believe in myself.

Loading the POD today, give me strength. I already have knots, wanna cry. Please let this be uneventful... I'll check in later.

Nothing is easy?.Struggling with every breath, emotionally/physically exhausted, but I?m a fighter, I?m stronger!! I WILL DO THIS!!! He?s telling me I?m throwing him to the curb like trash, that he wants to ?make love? to me a few times before I leave, that as soon as he touches me, I?ll remember that I love him. He?s become obsessive with phone calls, texts, notes, other sexual things left for me to find, his therapist told me if he?s obsessive, he will soon become dangerous? I?m packing, I?m getting the truck loaded on Saturday, son and pets will be out of state by Monday. I can?t leave until papers are served, until I see the judge, but I can hide?. I can hide well. Scary? Yep, but?. I?m stronger and smarter, Closed sons bank account ✓ Closed my savings account ✓ Finsihed packing things I had in the basement ✓ Got my pictures/items off the walls ✓ Shoes/Clothes in trashbag ✓ Husband pleading to ?make love? to me before I leave ✓ Promises after that, I?ll remember I love him again ✓ Divorce papers filed in courthouse ✓ Hot rod to be picked up tomorrow and removed from yard ✓ (Yes, I?m into muscle cars, I can rebuild a transmission/engine anytime you want) Prescriptions filled ✓ Might as well use the insurance! Doctors/Dentist Appt all done ✓ Again? use it before I lose it!! Glass of wine ✓ Son?s immunizations records to bring to new school ✓ Typed/signed child care form for my parents and signed while son is with them, just in case medical emergency ✓ Soon? Soon, I will wipe the tears away, and I will be ?Home? again , I?ll be whole, as best I can, again. I will learn to live, I will be happy, I will be free, I deserve to ?feel? again without the fear!! Keep moving, keeping my eye on the prize that getting closer every day?. I can do this?. Don?t think, don?t respond, keep moving?keep moving?.. Remember to breathe...

This morning... I just fell to uncontrollable tears. Husband called, yes, I answered... I needed the code to the stupid alarm. But, why..why, must be be so damn upset? It makes me question whether I'm doing the right thing, whether I'm just moving in Flash mode to avoid conflict or confrontation. I don't want to second guess myself...My son absolutely refuses to even let him apologize to him. No, I'm not forcing the issue, my son has extreme anger towards this person! Why do I feel like such a schmuck? A heel? A total piece of crap! Ugh, I try to figure out if I'm doing this for me, am I doing this for my son, am I running away and denying marriage therapy because of everyone I know telling me he'll never change? Is that true? I DON'T KNOW! So, I tried to come up with a list of positives and negatives about this person. Negatives are easy, I could write a few pages. Positives...I don't know? He loves me, the hugs are nice, having someone just there is nice, not being alone...maybe that's what my problem is? He's doing so much around the house with things that I have begged him to do? But, isn't this the same behavior that trapped me to begin with and I fell for it? Ugh.... I suck. Anyway... Saturday, I took my son to the beach, we put our feet in the sand and walked in the water. Then we browsed some stores and had a great dinner at a seafood restaurant. Gosh, it felt nice... Let's see today: I'm still keeping these poor feet of mine on the go. Contacted 2nd School that I may want son to attend ✓ Picked up a ton of boxes ✓ Purchased some plastic bins ✓ Packed my sons entire bedroom ✓ Cried uncontrollably ✓ Laundry at house so I can burn his electric bill ✓ Cleaned bird cage to get ready to travel ✓ Continued to doubt, second guess ✓ Emailed current counselor to get transfer process ✓ Oh... Please keep me strong, cause I feel like I'm falling....

Canceled son's flight to parents ✔ Canceled flight to late husband?s family ✔ Packed 4 more boxes while Husband at work ✔ Scheduled oil change in car before I drive the heck out of here ✔ Husband says we need therapy, he'll pay for me to stay in an apartment, whatever works for him, I guess ✔ Lies I believed that were never true, broken promises ✔ New promises he will most likely forget about in a few months ✔ Organized my disarray of stuff in back of car, because yes, I have a "gotta have it neat" issue. ✔ Contact local school guidance for school records ✔ Purchased a cheap portable printer so I can print/copy anything I need from the comfort of my new 4 wheel home ✔ Husband to be served on the 22nd ✔ I?ll go find a hotel miles and miles away! Ugh, I think the hardest step is actually going to be moving all my stuff out and loading it! That's when reality will hit. I can't do movers because I have to "select" my items only. It would be difficult to direct a crew of movers. I thought about it, and figured it would get hectic doing it that way. I can't stop, I MUST keep moving, if I stop for one second to think, my feet will sink, I'll feel sorry for him, he'll suck me in! Cause, he's actually being the nice guy I fell for. Why do I feel so GUILTY? Like I'm just running away? I'm not running away, I'm running to LIVE, why doesn't anyone understand this? They think I've had a nervous breakdown, ummm...not yet, if death of 1st husband and now this don't take me down, I'll count my lucky stars Keeping my "eye on the prize" My son, I'm so proud of you, you are my savior, my reason to never give up. If only you knew how very much Mama loves you...I'm so sorry you've had to hurt in so many ways in the small amount of time you've been on this Earth, I'm so sorry for the mistake I made. I'm so sorry you lost your most amazing Daddy at such a young age, you see..you're just like him! You walk like him, talk like him and when you smile, his light shines through your eyes, and you are my greatest gift. I want to see that wonderful smile on your face again and hear you laugh, see you safe and happy. For this... I keep my feet going, for you. Husband says he'll change, I?m allowed to do "insert whatever I wasn't allowed to do" this now, but I doubt it. My son had his first counselor's appointment yesterday, which went well. After he talked, the counselor called me back in. He told me he was very open and honest, and that he is surprisingly a very well-adjusted teenager considering the things he's been through in his childhood. Says he is very honest, straightforward, and compassionate. Says he doesn't seem to dwell on his Daddy?s death, he misses his Dad, makes him sad, but he's accepted his death probably because he was always a part of the process and we were very honest with him at a young age. He said he will be fine. He has normal teen fears of school, etc.. Then he said, he loves his Mom very much There's more to me than this, I cannot let him pull me in! I NEED to do this, as guilty, horrible and sad as I feel, I need to. One day, I will be whole again...one day, after I wipe my tears away, try to repair my broken soul and broken heart. That may not ever happen, I am afraid to ever trust again, feel safe again, I'm broken forever...who would ever even try after I've been so hurt and destroyed, now I'm just untouchable. Death? then Divorce? Who would even bother to try? And.. I don't even want any one to.

Yep, this is me.... I wanted this too...But, now I'm scared of it. Virgo, my FIL (late husband) did the same thing when my MIL passed away, it lasted for 2 years. He finally came around again, it was his way of dealing with grief, I guess. I feel bad that he lost his wife and then 19 years later lost his son, my husband. My vent: I hate my life, I want a do-over...

Okay... After I get through this I am just going to collapse and maybe get up, maybe not... at that point, I won't care. Lawyer ✔ Papers filed ✔ Realtor out of state looking for home ✔ POD drop and delivery scheduled ✔ Change mailing address ✔ Medical records ✔ Husband pleading ✔✔✔✔✔ Local Friends drop me ✔✔✔ Occasional Meltdowns ✔ Research and contacted new schools ✔ Change all beneficiaries on bank accounts ✔ Pack when husband at work..by myself, cause see friends above ✔ Still more to pack.... Try to eat ✔ or not, down 10 pounds in 2 weeks, food gives me knots Never trust again ✔ Tell husband again with mediator that not reconcilable ✔ He can't get it. Living half out of my car ✔ How the hell am I going to do this? ✔ OMG, I am just a mess, I have a POD scheduled for next Friday, they will drop it off, but can't pick up on weekends. So, it will need to sit until Monday. How am I going to move stuff out without his pitiful face not bothering me? I need to cancel my sons flight to my parents, cause they are driving up to help, then taking him and my pets back with them. I need to cancel my flights to my late husbands family in August. I just can't do it, no time. I'll need to learn how to breathe again, how to feel like someone important again, and how to drown out the silence again. Some comments from my friends here hurt me to the core: "I think you would feel better about yourself if you stayed here and stood on your own, who cares if you run into him, when you leave he'll just be done with you. Moving your son out of his school is selfish, sorry can't help you pack, it's going to be 95? and that's too hot. I think you are moving way too fast and will have more self esteem without running home to Mommy and Daddy, stay and prove he's not all that. I think your scared to be on your own, you don't know how to do it." And my other friend that I asked to help me load the POD and pack. I asked if her husband, son and friends could help since I have a piano an it's heavy! "We're doing stuff around the house or otherwise I would help you, hang in there, keep moving forward" THIS IS (I thought) a good friend, she just blew me off, she knows the abuse I've been through. Really? Just like when Rick died, they all disappear when the going gets tough. Ugh, I'm dreading, dreading, dreading next weekend, I'm dreading trying to pack and load all on the same day with just my parents and my brother. I'm hating everything, I'm sick of putting one foot in front of the other (Not to mention I dropped a hammer on my foot with flip flops on and then I yelled, "I hate this F-ing house!!"... As I tried to pack things alone with very little time while he's at work. Would be nice to feel someone had my back, but, I guess that someone is now my guardian angel keeping me moving. **Sigh** Why?

Baylee, awesome information. Oh... I was a research analyst for a living before I had my son. Thinking stupid wants alarm system (I'm guessing nanny cam...cause he's paranoid) cause he's met his match...or better. He may be sneaky..but I'm smarter. Those things can be disabled. Especially when one knows how they work, just saying. Idiot... This is still extremely hard to deal with. Know the song, "Broken Wing" by Martina McBride? Well, that's me.. but, I've got duct tape and Popsicle sticks and Rick's strength on my side. Just keep moving.... just keep moving... If only I could rip out my heart, it'd be easier.

Congrats!!!

Thank you. Trying to keep moving forward is like walking on hot coals! He put an alarm system on the house, guess I can't get my things. :-( Still begging me to come home, I said, No...He drove to where I was, but friend made him leave. Can I just say I've had enough hardships, stick a fork in me already. I'll try not to break till I'm on the other side, I guess.

I can't thank you enough for all the support!!!! I can't even begin to tell you how emotional this is! From scared, exhausted, sad, angry, lonely... ugh, you name it. And.. the pleadings "Don't leave me", just make me feel awful. You're right... I shouldn't, maybe someone should just rip out my heart for the next month or more, so I don't feel all this stupid different kind of pain. I guess I need to figure out how to grieve the illusion of what I thought it was going to be. Then on to figuring out how to put the pieces back together all over again.

Exactly, Well said, and I think... absolutely normal. I have no sympathy either, empathy...always, but sympathy? Nah, you don't know real pain. Like you said, Tell a 7 year old, "I need you to tell Daddy good-bye, because he is going to die"... Not only ONCE, but three, four, five times... cause doctors kept telling me, "He'll probably pass today, so you should have your son say Good-bye." He held on for 5 weeks after that, in our home...He was stronger than you thought...

My Mother always called me her "Steel Magnolia", since I was a small child. Never quite figured out why but now I know. I am a woman who possess the strength of steel, yet the gentleness of a magnolia. I would rather have thirty minutes of wonderful than a lifetime of nothing special. I had forgotten who I was, for a long time... I knew this person 25 years ago, he wanted me then, sent me flowers, persisted, but I was engaged to be married to my Rick, my sweetheart, my strength, my everything, since we dated when I was 16. I never allowed him to woo me from Rick. He called my friend... left a message on her machine and said I wanted to be with him years ago, that I was only with Rick because he was my first and I felt obligated to be with him. NEVER, NEVER, NEVER hurt my Rick, you SOB! He called me, tried to talk... I said, How dare you try to destroy what Rick and I were and devalue what we had to my friends and family, I LOVED HIM, I will always LOVE him, and if you f**k with him and his son, I will destroy you. He said, "I've never seen you like this, your having a nervous breakdown"... Me: "Huh, what did you say, let me turn the tv on so I can only half ass listen to you", He tried to over talk me, railroad me, we need counseling, reading God scripture to me. I said, "Shut up, can't you shut the H*LL up, yak, yak, yak... that's all you do"...he tried to overtalk me, I said, "How's it feel? How's it feel to feel like a piece of shit that you're not good enough for me to give the time of day to?" HOW'S IT FEEL? Told him I was done, and if I EVER stepped foot back into that house I would paint the Living Room F-ing RED, and I would be the one in control now, and he could sit around and be my BITCH SLAVE that I could scream at, yell at, and belittle until he freaking hurt the way he hurt me. No, I will not live like this, I told him go to your counselor, Tell her you HIT A MINOR, then, figure out if we can do this sensibly by Saturday or next week I will serve your ass papers. Told him I am no longer under his control, that it is time for me to be the one in control of my LIFE. "sorry, sorry...sorry, I was wrong" Told him "How DARE you come after a widow without taking care of YOU first, how DARE you pursue me for your happiness without thinking of the happiness that I, as a widow lost, HOW DARE YOU, you knew you had issues, and YOU destroyed this, NOT ME!" Too late, don't call me, don't text me.... Don't know what came over me...But, I feel different today, invigorated, strong.... And the person I'm staying with : "So, is that the red-headed temper we're never suppose to tap into? Holy-Cow, bout' time you tapped into that"

Or any method you use for strength. I know most don't know me... A small favor... Pray, send me strength me tonight at 7:30 EST, please... I just need to feel my widda posse' standing behind me...I just need to FEEL someone helping me. I am going to END the biggest mistake of my life tonight, and move forward with that sliver of light that I'm trying to get to. I HATE, LOATHE conflict!! I'm a sucker, my heart is too F***king big! I hate hurting people, even at the expense of myself. BUT, it must stop. Where the H3LL is that BUS????? OMG.. I'm gonna get sick :'(

This! I left our home in NC, but before I did.. I took some of Rick's ashes and crawled way into the back of the crawlspace under the house. I had a black sharpie and on the center beam I wrote "The Dance" 08/04/1990 - 09/19/2009... Our Dance, like the song, I could've missed all this pain, but then I would have missed the best dance of my life. A part of his ashes are there, cause that is where we "Danced"...AND, I'm am so Thankful that I did that, it felt good, it was right, it was the place we brought our baby home, it was home. I will NEVER ever regret leaving a small piece of him there.