SimiRed

Healing.... What is it? What does it mean? It means something different to everyone. We all have to do this, somehow, someway, right? Do we ever heal or just learn to live with it? I don't know, But what I do know is that it's not easy! Whatever we are healing from, the loss of a loved one, the loss of our friends...the loss of our "Someday". "Someday", we'll do this together, "Someday", we'll be able to sit back and watch our children grow. Oh.. there's healing in all shapes and forms and healing from so many different things. I may still feel helpless and overwhelmed at times, but I need to focus on what I have accomplished in these weeks since walking out that door that held me trapped. The biggest step is over, I freed my self from those grips of emotional pain that is so different from the emotional pain of losing a spouse. He chose to be cruel and treat me badly, His choice, his loss...I need to focus on that and not worry about his feelings, since he never worried about mine or my sons. I can put my favorite music on, learn to reclaim those small joys in life, one by one, for myself and my son. Gaining emotional strength is going to be a long road, but I'm going forward not back...not ever back! We get one life, and we all need to be treated with dignity and respect. I will learn to replace those toxic memories of the past with happy new memories and new experiences. It's much easier to know what I need to do then to actually do it. In order to heal, I must keep putting one foot in front of the other, acknowledge what brought me to this point, accept it, and move on from it. This is what will define me and make me stronger. It's not the pain of what has happened, it's how I choose to react to it. It is my choice to grow and to make myself a better person, it is my choice to decide how this will define me. I want to learn how to love again, live again, smile and laugh without it being the "game face" that I wore for a long time. I don't want to hide who I am. I am somebody more then the widow, the abused, the pain.. A clean slate, where my past is unknown to everyone around me now, I can learn who I am without others defining me from my past. I can choose to trust and to reveal a past, only when I decide. Today, I went walking in the early morning. This I do everyday. Half way... I stood there, with my feet on the ground, looking up at the sunrise, holding my head high...looking, actually seeing the world out there. I will stand tall. One left me broken hearted, filled with deep sadness. The other, left me broken, shattered to pieces, scarred and damaged. But, this will never define who I will become. I will be the one who sees the good, the beauty and above all else, I'll be the one who can show my dearest late DH that Yes, I do have the strength that you said I always had and that you always believed me to have. He believed in me and believed in my courage and my confidence. Right now, I feel as if the stepping stones ahead of me are not stones at all, they are pebbles. But, daggone it! I can fit one big toe on that pepple and I will cross it to the next one, and as I go, they'll get bigger and my footing will get stronger. Soon, I'll be skipping across those things! What have I accomplished since I last "checked-in"? My home...will be mine by Friday ✔ A son, who now hugs me goodnight ✔ A school for my son, who are impressed with who he is and what he has accomplished with his grades ✔ Furniture, not yet, but I'm finding what I like, what I like! ✔ A plan, a goal, a place to call "Home" ✔ Restricted incoming phone calls, after 40 in one day, I blocked those too ✔ Tears on bad days, but keep picking myself up ✔ Determination ✔ Overcoming the manipulative "charm" ✔ A supportive family ✔ Hope ✔ Board games with my son, because we can ✔ Ignoring the constant hum of the phone ✔ Pushing down the negativity, feeding on the positive ✔ Deposit on the electric to be turned on in my HOME ✔ Everyday I'm stronger but I still look over my shoulder ✔ I'm done with all the hurt, lies, and mind games ... . I am ready for that next BIG step which will lead me into my new life!

Sunshinedaydreamz... Thanks for the smile!! And no way, no floral prints! I'll make sure you get the invite

HUGS!!! Oh, the moving, the address changes, the cell phones not working!! Overwhelmed is not a good enough description for that is it? Don't allow it to become so overwhelming that it paralyzes you. Try to do it one thing at a time, worry about tomorrow first. Then after that...you can worry about Wednesday. Try not to worry about this weekend yet. Focus on that "excitement for the future", that will carry you.

Beautiful, Maureen! (((Hugs)))

Maureen.... I love you!!! Lots of Hugs today!

{{{Hugs}}}

{{HUGS}} Sending good thoughts your way!!

I love that quote! New Beginnings, yes, it has been difficult, to say the least. Still getting messages, bible quotes on how a wife should never leave a husband, How my heart has now become hardened and I need to read Corinthians 7:10-24, I read some of it... he's nuts is all I can say. His a ticking time bomb ready to explode and I'm glad I'm far away. Found a house that I love, and hopefully it will be a place I can call "Home" soon. I have days of being excited, thinking of what kind of furniture I would like to buy, and then sadness cause I have no clue what my tastes are, they have always been adjusted to please others. Now it's time to figure out what I like. Gosh, I have so much to do, I become so overwhelmed at times that I succumb to the tears. How on Earth have I gotten this much accomplished in 7 weeks? No clue, I just keep putting one foot in front of the other, keep moving, keeping my eye on my goal of happiness. I'm scared, of a lot of things. Will I do it right? Can I be the Mom and the Dad for my son? Can I stop being so gun-shy around people and not feel attacked by the simplest words, since that is how I was conditioned to be for so long? I may have "escaped" the abuser, but I have not yet escaped the "abuse" (or the effects of it). The "leaving" step is only the start of my journey, and that the bulk of my journey needs to involve healing from the abuse. Not only do I need to learn to be happy, I need to learn to not be scared, to trust in others again and to trust in my own instincts. My trust in other people has been lost, or at least seriously damaged, and I have to work on rebuilding that ability again. How does one become so scarred by harsh words and anger that that is what they feel and see most of the time? How does one take a joke again and not fall to tears thinking someone is being hurtful? I have simply been existing, I need to start LIVING again. I need to find that inner peace that so many of us strive to find here. I don't have to be what everyone wants me to be, I only have to be what I want to be. That is a hard thing to do... Your continued support has kept me going strong, you are all amazing! I can't wait to put "Rick" back on the hearth, right where he belongs.

Maureen, Your words will be for John, not for you (cause you're made that way) and I know you will know what to do and say. So, my dearest friend, Maureen, I hope you know how amazing your husband thought you were and how much he believed in you. I hope you know that you can do anything you set your mind to. I know that the ?goodbye? was so incredibly hard, but I hope you can see the gift in knowing that nothing was left unsaid. You were complete, you made John complete. A love so rare and true. Love and hugs to you, I will continue to hold you in my heart in the coming days ahead. Please know that you are held in the hearts of many and we are here to help you in any way we can in the coming days. I love you, my friend...J and I love you very much!

Glad you had the conversation with your Dad! I know it must've been hard, proud of you!!

Mikeeh, I hope you the appointment goes well for you too. At least you will know, one way or the other, you'll have a peace of mind that you went and at least had the courage to speak with her Psychologist. Like others said, I'm not sure how much they can reveal to you, but hopefully it will go well.

Hugs Maureen!! I am glad you are taking the time to do this journey! John would be so amazingly proud of you!

When something seems too hard to handle, too big to conquer, too far away to touch, that's when it's time to say. I'm climbing my mountain, step by step. I'm climbing my mountain day by day. I'm climbing my mountain all the way. I'm climbing my mountain, I'm going to make it one step at a time. One step at a time. Instead of worrying about how you will get through the rest of the week, try to focus on today. You never know when the answers you are looking for will come to your doorstep. We may be ninety-nine percent correct in predicting the future, but all it takes is for that one percent to make a world of difference.

Ummm.... I've shipped wine before, just never told anyone it was wine. Done it a few times actually. Bubble wrap it good, buy those 2 gallon baggies and put them in there first, write Fragile on the box. I'm not in jail...yet

Destination reached... On my last night while driving I got to watch the sunset over the mountains. Just Breathtaking! I felt the sense of "I'm going home" and it felt sad and good all at the same time. I still have so much to do, I need to get my paper out again and start with my list. I am not done on this journey, still waiting for the lawyers to figure things out. Then I have to figure "Me" out. Enroll son in new school ✓ Look for a place to call home ✓ Wait on lawyers ✓ Soon to be Ex calling, telling me to confess whatever it is he wants me to confess ✓ (He thinks there's another man...and if not that, who's the other woman?) Sent out packages as thank you's to my friends for their support ✓ Empty all my clothes and other stuff that has been in my car for weeks ✓ Organize all my paperwork in folders in a cardboard box for now ✓ Learn to breathe again ✓ Next comes another hard part....Retraining myself. I desperately miss having someone with whom to share my hopes and dreams, but I knew sharing with the soon to be ex only ending up in him twisting my words into something that was hurtful or something selfish that only I wanted. I want to be happier, but I need to learn to be patient with myself, don't look back...especially to the abuser for comfort. When I find myself dwelling on the past, I need to remember the crap I tolerated and tell myself that I am in a better place without his manipulative behaviors in my life. I'm still on this journey, I'm still pushing forward... It's still not any easier, but my feet keep me going. I thank you for your continued prayers!! Still on my journey "home"...wherever that may be. And, a journey to find the strength within myself to heal again.

Sounds lovely! Some people just come into our lives for a "moment", but that moment stays with us forever.

Wow, so sorry these people did this to you. I'll never understand the way some people are designed. True friends are hard to find, they are the ones who are there for you even at your worst. ((Hugs))

Baylee.... Thanks for the compliment! Guess now we know where the Simi"RED" comes from Most I the time, it's either french braided or in a pony tail or tucked under a hat. It's the thing that gives me away...so I hide it..

"One Day" Mark Shultz She came into this world Fighting for every breath she took Nothing was easy They said they'd do everything they could Still she keeps waiting Holding on to the promise of a cure that's sure to come One day, one day We will touch the Healer's hand One day We will be whole again One day, one day He'll take every sorrow and wipe my tears away One day So maybe you're breaking Maybe your world just fell apart Maybe you're facing Something that's stronger than you are Hold on to this promise He's written on every soul and broken heart One day, one day We will touch the Healer's hand One day We will be whole again One day, one day He'll take every sorrow and wipe my tears away One day The lame will walk, the blind will see The prisoners will be set free And hope will rise, the shadows disappear And all that's lost, we'll find again Death will die and tears will end And we will come alive and truly live One day, one day We will touch the Healer's hand One day We will be whole again One day, one day He'll take every sorrow and wipe my tears away One day My son and I.... on our way. I love you, my son, YOU are my strength!

Half-way... Stopping and visiting friends on the way. Wow, I am awed by the support and faith my friends have in me. I have not seen them in four years, but they make me laugh, give me strength and all have had an open home and heart for my weary mind and soul. I had forgotten what real friendship is, how those that unconditionally love us, love us no matter what. It feels good, I am starting to feel "Home" again...I haven't felt that in four years, I felt lost and trapped in a world where negativity and self loathing existed. I am beginning to feel a bit of hope again. I never realized how much I missed those that I left behind and wasn't allowed to see, they all said they have waited for the day that I would find the strength to leave. They have all welcomed me with outstretched arms, tears and have shown me that no matter what, they love me and will always have my back. I WILL NOT let the pain of this situation make me hopeless. Never will the negativity wear off on me again, or leave me hopeless. I will not allow the bitterness to steal my goodness. I will take pride in the fact that I know the world can be a beautiful place, I have to learn that changing my thoughts is the only way to change my reality. Fear of the unknown will not defeat me. Fear is only as deep as my mind allows it to be. I am in control of my happiness, feelings, and I am in control of defining who I want to be... No, HE will not defeat me or make me feel weak, no... HE will not define me. Home.... I'm on my way....

lcoxwell, so glad it worked out!! And super glad the manager totally understood the situation and did not charge any additional fees. Congrats on getting the apartment!!

Maureen, sending you a great big HUG!! John would be amazingly proud of you and all you have done for him! Yes, it hurts, I am glad you have your niece with you, and of course Rosie! So very proud of you! Lots of love on your journey!

{{{HUGS}}}

On the road tomorrow, alone, to a new beginning. Today, I cry, why do I let the betrayal of someone hurt me so much? Seriously, I meant nothing to this person, he's already searching for the next victim... Okay, chin up Girl.... Keeping my eye on the prize. 16 hours of driving to do....I should rest.

(((Hugs))) Yes, this hurts, but if he's still leaving a door open for other "close women friends", he will never be committed to only you anyway. It's okay to hurt and cry. Don't let him hurt you again, confusion is normal. Tell him you need some time and space without any communication and focus on how you feel about him then. From my experience, the more you talk to him and text him, he will pull you right back in and you will once again feel like you are his most important "close woman friend".