SimiRed

Exactly, Great Quote!

oscarsbeloved, I am so sorry! You have found us here who understand. Everyone above said everything, post as much as you like. No one will judge you here, we've all been there and know the journey of healing. {{Hugs}}

Yes, sums it up...not that easy though, huh?

{{{Hugs}}} Yes, this journey of widowhood sucks!

Woohoo!!! Congrats!

What did I do with all my late husband's stuff? At first, nothing. I left pictures up, his clothes in the closet, his watch on his dresser. This was a part of my life and a part of who I was (and mostly, still am). I tried the "changing for someone else", it didn't work. They couldn't accept my past. They knew I was living happily ever after before. I loved Rick. We were going to spend the rest of our lives together, eventually sit on our rockers on the front porch, muttering about our grandchildren or just what is going on these days. Then he died. I am now in a new home, I don't have pictures of Rick up everywhere, I did place a few here and there, and I do still have some special things that were important to me. I have some of his special shirts, his letters that were written to me a long time ago, a box of memorabilia that is called "Rick's special things". After he died, I had our wedding rings remade into a custom ring I can wear on my right hand, so I will always have that little piece of who I was before to carry with me as I learn who I am now. If my friends and family can't handle the bits and pieces of Rick that I have around, or if anyone new ever comes into my life and doesn't like it, then they aren't meant to be a part of who I am. I'm no longer going to "worry sick" over what others might think. Everyone will have an opinion as to what to do with your spouses things. Especially those who just don't "get it". It's what is the right choice for you, the only person whose opinion matters is your own. This is a personal choice that you will make for yourself, and those friends that stick around will honor whatever personal choice you make.

@FindingMyWay, In an earlier thread, back in May, you had asked me to share some specific red flags that I dismissed when I was in an abusive relationship. I am trying to reclaim myself and know who I am. In the past few months I have come to realize a list of "red flags" that I dismissed. This is my list, but maybe it will help others here in future relationships. I am in my new home, new place with no one that I know, no friends here. I am working hard at making it a warm, loving environment for myself and my son. I am not sure yet how to overcome trust issues, I don't foresee any future relationships until I learn and heal from the past. I know what love is, what it should be. I learned that from my late DH. Here's my list, something I journal and something I must always keep in mind to avoid any future pain. I hope it helps, not only you, but others here as we look for a Chapter 2 that loves and respects us as we would them. You feel on-edge around this person, but you still want them to like you. I found myself writing off most of his questionable behavior as accidental or insensitive. He withheld attention and undermined my self-esteem. When we were first together, he showered me with praise and flattery. Then after time, he became antisocial and selfish. He would ensure that I was always the one to initiate contact. He bombarded me with compliments, flattery, songs, and messages. He?d text me dozens, if not hundreds of times per day. I came to rely on this over-communication as a source of confidence. Quickly declared me as his soul mate. Told me how much he had in common with me. With the first initial conversations, I did most of the talking and he would tell me how perfect I was for him. Compared me to everyone else in his life. Ex-girlfriends (ex-wife), friends, family members, etc. He made me feel special by telling me how much better I was than these people. When devaluing me, he'd use these comparisons to hurt me. Lies & excuses. There was always an excuse for everything, even things that don?t require excusing. He made up lies faster than I can question them. He always blamed others?it was never his fault. He?d spend more time rationalizing his behavior than improving it. No startle response. Total absence of anxiety, fear, and worry where there otherwise should be. I viewed this as calm and cool, thinking I was over-sensitive, because I have normal human emotions. Insulting me all the time with a tormenting, joking sort of attitude. Smirked when I tried to express myself. Teasing became the primary mode of communication. He?d belittle my intelligence and achievements. If I told him to stop tormenting, he?d call me too sensitive. Always mentioned that his exes still wanted him. I guess this was his way of making me feel jealous and give off the perception that he could find anyone anytime if I wasn?t there. Exaggerated emotions while displaying none of them. He?d make statements like ?I?ve never felt so happy in my life?. He?d say it, but body language never really showed it. I was still a moron, stupid, bit*h, or whatever ?funny? statement he made and say ?I?m just kidding?. You are the only one who sees their true colors. Others think he?s the nicest person in the world, even though he used them for resources, and attention. If he fixed something for them, then they would owe him something...like the use of a tool, or anything. They don?t notice because he distracted them with shallow praise and was willing to help them out with fixing things for them. But, then he?d complain at home with how his friends and family used him. Accused me of being emotional and needy, intentionally ignoring me for days, silent treatment to ?teach me a lesson?. Could never put himself in my shoes, or anyone else?s for that matter. I?d find myself desperately trying to explain how he might feel if I were treating him this/that way, and he?d just stare at me blankly. Told me to ?get over it already?. Never allowed me to talk about my late husband, said I should be over it already. Told me I ?don?t understand? how hard life is, I?ve never been through anything as rough as he had. He told me he ?despised? my late husband. Told me all the time how his ex or past relationships were destructive, they were crazy, I was normal. Constantly telling me his version of events, how they hurt him or abused him. I would find myself explaining the basic elements of human respect to a full-grown man. Normal people understand the fundamental concepts of honesty and kindness. No adult should need to be told how they are making other people feel. Focused on my mistakes all the time, but of course, he never made any. If he was two hours late, I would be told how I was once five minutes late to whatever we were doing. If I tried to point out something he did that was hurtful or demeaning, he would always be quick to turn the conversation back on me, it was somehow my fault. Gave me the silent treatment and became very annoyed. I was trying to figure out what I did wrong. I was told to stop ?hanging on him?, he needed a break, he worked so hard all day and all I had to do was stay home. Housework and chores that I did meant nothing, I was a maid that couldn?t even do that right. The ultimate hypocrite. He had extremely high expectations for respect, and adoration. After the initial hook, line and sinker phase, he gave none of this back to me. HE insulted, belittled, name called and told me how I should do something right. I was expected to remain perfect. He?d be a different person for different people?transforming his entire personality to match whoever he was around. Talked about all the ?crazy? people in his past. Any ex-partner or friend who did not come crawling back to him, he labeled as jealous, an alcoholic, or some other nasty smear. I am 100% sure he is speaking about me the same way to his next target. This hurts me to the core. I must overcome this, because I am not crazy and my silly caring about what others think worries that he is most likely now trash talking me to everyone. He says I?m a cheater, supposedly had an affair, a nervous breakdown, etc. I am now labeled as an evil person in his eyes. After all I gave up for him, I am now nothing. I feared that any fight could be the last. Normal couples argue to resolve issues, but he didn?t, he made it clear that negative conversations would jeopardize the relationship, especially ones about the way he acted. He?d tell me to ?pack your shit and leave?, I heard this a dozen times and stupidly I?d apologize and forgive, otherwise he?d leave me, it was that fear of loss that he used against me. He told me ?Your late DH is dead, I?m alive, he?s not, I?m the one that?s here.? Gaslighting. Blatantly denied his own manipulative behavior and ignored evidence when confronted with it. He?d become angry if I attempted to disprove his delusions with facts. He?d expect me to read his mind. If he stop communicating with me for several days, it was my fault for not knowing about the plans he never told me about. He made me feel like I was losing my mind, I began to wonder if there was something wrong with me. Selfishness and a crippling thirst for attention. He?d drain the energy from me and consume my entire life. His demand for attention was never satisfied. Call me in the morning, at lunch, on his way home. Told me I was the only one who made him happy, but now I know that anyone with a beating pulse could fit the role. However, the truth is: no one can fill the void of his abusive soul, he just needs a playmate and a maid, someone to only fill his needs, not him fulfilling theirs, it?s a one way street. My feelings didn't matter. I felt insane, exhausted, drained, shocked, lonely, and empty. I tore apart my entire life?spent money, sold my home, moved my son, lost friendships, and now searching for some sort of reason behind how I could have ever fallen for his manipulative ways. Now, I struggle with how I will ever trust again, never be used or taken advantage of again. Will the words of anyone else be real or just a game? Is it wrong of me to want Karma to kick his sorry butt, to teach him a lesson, to hurt him as much as he destroyed the person that I was? And, I wanna know about it, I want to know that Karma got him. I don't deserve to be trash talked about, I don't deserve to be made into the "crazy, destructive, psycho" category that he will put me in. How will I ever find trust again? Maybe this will help others to never fall into the trap that I fell into.

lcoxwell, I stopped visiting here when I was with the now x... I can tell you that it won't happen again. If anyone cannot accept my past or my friends, then I won't be with them. I like what calimom said, " Honor the past, live in the present, and look toward the future." People here I consider my "friends", they helped me through trying times in my life, and never, ever, ever will anyone not allow me to not remember my late DH. Moving forward does not mean I have to forget him. If I were asked to step away from something that is meaningful or helpful to me, I would seriously consider walking away. But that's me, and I got stuck in a bad situation and have learned some life lessons that may never heal. After almost 6 years, this group is like "family" to me, it's not a competition, if someone I was with was threatened by friends here, then I'd look harder into who he is. Do what your gut tells you to do, how do YOU feel about it. Put his feelings aside for a moment and think of yourself, the one thing I need to learn and am working on is to not allow others feelings to change who I am or my decisions. Be in touch with your own feelings and needs. Needs may be basic and nonnegotiable, such as food, clothing, shelter, etc. They may be less basic but of primary importance to you, such as living near your family, having a room of your own, and having your friends here. Decide, on the basis of YOUR needs and feelings, where do you want to set your boundaries. Don't change who you are, don't deny something of importance to yourself. Try to maintain a healthy balance, explain how it's not about being a "widow", it's about friendships you have established here. We all tend to get so caught up in the small details of everyday life that we lose sight of what's important and what's happening around us. It's like being able to see the forest thru the trees. Only YOU can know what is right for you, do what you "feel" is right. Let go of what he feels at the moment, how does it make you really feel to walk away from here?

Finally got all my stuff to my new HOME. It's a chaotic mess, but a work in process. Getting the POD was a challenge in itself. They could not deliver the POD up my driveway, so I had to have it dropped at a nearby business, rent a Uhaul, unload the POD contents into that, then back to the house to unload the Uhaul. This took a couple of days! It was stressful and a bit overwhelming, but I got through it. I now have a four page list of things to do, my home doesn't have any storage areas. No bathroom vanities (pedalstool sink), no linen closets, coat closets, laundry room has no cabinets, etc. But, it's my HOME! I went to Home Depot and purchased some closet made kits, cheaper than buying vanities and I can put them together myself. I have my closet done, but now I'm working on the bathrooms and laundry area. It's time consuming, but one step at a time. The first day we slept here, my son missed the bus...we just laughed, cause it's OKAY!! We have to learn that our mistakes are OKAY. I painted the dining room wall with the wrong paint, it was a close color and the previous owners left the paint for me to use. But, it must've been the living room paint. It's a shade darker, it's a natural taupe color, but a shade darker. I painted it, thinking it would get better when it dried, but it didn't. I spackled and filled all the nail holes, painted every nail spot, then wa lah... darker spots on the walls. A mistake, a mishap, but amazing that no one was over my shoulder raging at me at how stupid I could be to do that. I left the spots there for a few days while I went back and forth to the local hardware store with my piece of wall chip trying to match the paint. It finally matched on the fourth try, the guy at the hardware store was very helpful. He mixed it, then I just kept bringing the same can back for him to lighten more if it didn't match. It was a process, but I got it. Everything is Everywhere, boxes, bins, clothes, etc. I finally bought some silverware on Sunday, so no more eating with the plastic forks. I have a set of dishes, so no more paper-plates for every meal. A process... I have moments of emotional breakdowns, the whys? The how could I have let someone manipulate me into something so wrong. Why do I care about what he's thinking, doing? Really, he begged and begged, all the while on dating sites looking for that woman to take care of her guy. Seriously, I see red flags all over the place and I missed them the first time around. He doesn't care. He doesn't feel the sting of the hurt, the betrayal, loss or rejection that he did to me. His selfish narcissistic ways blames me, accuses me of cheating, of lying, etc. He's blameless, he only lost an object/possession that he wanted to control. He'll find another object, it didn't matter that I was more than that, I was just something he possessed, not loved or cherished as one should be. Not sure how I will ever learn to trust again, or to not look at someone and wonder what their hidden intentions are. I miss having friends around. I do not know a soul here, but it's okay because it's time for me to sit back and gather my strength, to learn how to live again without looking over my shoulder waiting for the negative, hurtful, degrading words that would take my spirit away. I need to learn how to open up to someone without the fear that I'll be emotionally shamed or belittled. Someday, I hope I can remember what it's like to be able to count on someone, and know that even though there can be rough spots, it will be a safe spot and I have to learn to not fear being emotionally hurt by them. My skepticism won?t go away. I approach good, trusting people with suspicion because I?ve lived with someone who destroyed my trust. I seen him pretend to be good and I got hurt with the lies and abuse. I worry that I won?t be discerning or careful enough to know what's real and what's not. I hope to learn how to let go of the hurtful past, of the one who manipulated me into feeling that he cared. He didn't care for me or my son, he only cared for what we could do for him. I need to let go of the thought that I was nothing to him, that he can instantly go out looking to replace me in a heartbeat. I meant that little. Sad, actually, cause he missed out on two people that could have been the best thing that ever happened to him. He sure is missing out on a lot, his loss.... I am striving for happiness, trying to learn how to keep moving my feet forward without looking back. I need to remember who I am, who I was before, I need to dig deep and find that girl with the carefree smile. I need to learn how to not be scared. I miss my late husband, he loved me unconditionally, I miss him more now than ever. I feel like I'm starting over with losing him. The difference is my late husband loved me, cared for me, appreciated me. I miss him and feel the loss so bad right now.

{{{HUGS}}} Moving is stressful enough and being able to let go of Kenneth's things added to that. I hope you are getting a little settled in your new place, unpacking is a lot of work too, just take your time and enjoy putting things where you want them to be.

We'll see you in 15 1/2 weeks... UGH!!! I think you need to cross "sleep" off of your list!

This life can drain the happiness right out of you. With mini-disasters striking left and right, is it any wonder you might begin to think bad things about yourself? Almost all of us have felt like a failure at some point in our life. It's normal to feel like this from time to time. We all have, you're not alone! Give yourself some credit!! "I woke up this morning feeling a tiny bit proud of myself" Focus on that! That is not the words of a failure! You probably spend hours on those darn coupons and bought groceries for your children! Proud of you for that! I hate coupons! Even saved enough for gas...YEAH!! That is not a failure!!! Chad is PROUD of you for putting your feet forward and doing the best you can with what you have to work with. Yes, your kids do deserve you, look at how hard you work, look at those coupons you cut out and managed to get them food! They have a Mother who is busting her butt for them! Sitting at work while in a meltdown takes determination to succeed and survive. Focus on that, don't let this road block beat you, go around it, over it, or plow through it. It's an obstacle, but you can do it. {{{{HUGS}}}} Call the electric company, get a different person on the phone who can be more understanding of your situation. Tell them you have children in the house and they will get paid on Friday, ask them to waive any late fees due to the situation and to look at your past payments and know that you have never been late. Many utility companies will offer aid to those in need of assistance. Check out the utility company?s website to see if there are any programs and discounts that can help cut down your bills. I don't know where you're at... but read this website, maybe someone can help. http://www.acf.hhs.gov/programs/ocs/programs/liheap/about Go here and click on your state... http://www.acf.hhs.gov/programs/ocs/liheap-state-and-territory-contact-listing

That's just awful! I'd be at the school too, but I'd go calmly and get the teachers side of the story. I had to remove my son in 5th grade from a teacher that constantly bullied him, told him that he was using the death of his Dad as an excuse to be sensitive. Yea, I was down to the school in a heartbeat and did not leave until they put him with a different 5th grade teacher.

Whew? what a ride! Yes, I?m still on this crazy ride, but it doesn?t seem so uphill at the moment. There?s no official handbook on how to leave an abuser, just like there?s no handbook on how to get through this awful widowhood. I guess you just do it with every ounce of courage and drop of support you can find. I am lucky enough to have a strong network of widows and widowers standing behind me every step of the way!! Since almost 6 years ago when Rick passed, through now...with all I've been through since...you're still here with the helping hand. All I can say is one day there was just one explosion too many and I knew it would never get better, I lost hope that ?things will change?. The cost of staying became too high, I was no longer willing to stay with a man whose presence was a constant threat to me and my son?s emotional and physical well-being. The fear of loneliness and the unknowns was the greatest stumbling block in my longing to be able to leave. This I know you understand, the known is always familiar, even if it is abusive, or being a caretaker of a sick spouse. The familiar became less terrifying than the unknown and again, the loss of a partner. I have learned that it?s okay to totally mess everything up on my list once in a while. (And that was HARD) I?m only human. I have a heart, I am strong, but even the strongest person will be worn down eventually, I guess that?s okay too. I have to learn to not beat myself up from my mistake, I have to learn from it. Strength comes in waves, some days I am wildly confident in every decision I make, other days..not so much! I can?t look back with guilt at myself for past decisions, I can know that I did the best I could when things got bad. The greatest gift I can give my son who was in this abusive situation is to set an example of seizing control of our own lives and showing him that it is our choice to decide who we want to be. It is our choice to define who we are, how others will treat us. For all widows, widowers, friends, I wish I could say with 100% certainty that it will get better. I believe it will one day, and I hope for it with all my heart. In the meantime, last night, after a meeting, I made a complete mess making a bowl of ice cream for my son, who likes melted peanut butter on top, after trying to melt the peanut butter in an unfamiliar microwave that turned into a lovely sticky glob? he stood there?giggling at me. And THAT makes me happy for a moment, for I know with certainty that despite the storms and rages, that life will continue to improve, because no matter what storm comes our way, we grow and become stronger. Bucket of nerves on Monday ✓ No coffee? would not settle with me ✓ Drove to courthouse ✓ Escorted by the Sherrif ✓ No tears..nothing ✓ No eye contact ✓ Uncontested, quick, done ✓ Walk out and never look back ✓ FINAL DIVORCE ✓ Yes, tears come and go, but not for that man?for the feelings I have. Because I need to learn how to not worry about HIS feelings, I need to learn how to worry about mine. I have the right to be me ✓ I have the right to be safe ✓ I have the right to love and to be loved ✓ I have the right to be treated with respect ✓ I have the right to be human ? NOT PERFECT ✓ I have the right to make mistakes ✓ And best of all? I have the right to control my own life and to change it if I am not happy with it as it is ✓ My journey is not over, it is just beginning? Saturday, that POD I loaded back in June, will be delivered to my home. MY HOME? and I will hang anything I want, anywhere I want, and I WILL make mistakes. I will eat off the paper plates, the plastic ware, and sit on the floor to watch the smallest tv? BUT, I will be home and I will not be sitting there tense wondering whether or not today is going to be a bad day or what I did wrong this time? I think I?ll watch a movie and spill popcorn, or maybe?.just make a peanut butter mess and giggle. Love to all of you? YOU amaze me with the amount of strength that all of you have, the amount of support you give. You can?t hear the tight notes in my voice when I say, ?Thank you, I cannot express how the genuine and heartfelt messages of the simplest words you wrote meant to me. The strength you gave me is amazing.?

Thank you!!! Less than 24 hours...then hopefully I can focus on a brighter future. Widow strong, I like that! Yes, that's a strength we all have learned. I put my late DH's wedding band back on...yes, I'll go in widow strong!!

Sugarbell... Yes, yes, yes, Back to DH's last name is written in the paperwork. And the rest of the paperwork for SS office is in my bag...cause that will be what I do when I leave the courthouse... I'm in route back, I hate it. I don't think I'll eat for three days... I'll keep in touch when I can. I'll be ready for that bus with a glass of wine after!

What's it been? 13 weeks? 13 weeks since I walked out of that door and told myself that the life I was living was so out of control that only I could take control of it and walk away. You seen my check lists, my determination to remove myself from the manipulations of a viscous predator. I was brainwashed into thinking I was the one at fault, but I knew that I was unhappy, my gut kept telling me something wasn't right, it shouldn't feel like that! I was stuck, unfortunately for a long time, in a haze of denial. If I love him enough, he'll stop. I felt powerless and worthless. It was so hard to know that something was very wrong, even harder to do something about it...It is what happens when your mind and your fears and your heart are all in different places...you know what you have to do, but you're too afraid to do it!! When you live in a lie or fear for so long, you forget what the truth feels like, what love feels like, what self worth feels like. You forget to like yourself. No, there were no physical chains on me, but I was a prisoner of a skilled manipulator. How did I let this happen to me? Mind games sucked the life out of me, stole my self esteem, it's a slow and deceptive game that you don't even know it's happening. No more.... When I'm done, I'm done...hurt me enough, and I will find my will, my determination, my strength. Hurt my son, my ONLY son, and I will find that will and strength like you've never seen before or even thought fathomable. I only ask for you to POUR more of your strength into me... ya see... 13 weeks, and on Monday I will be free from the lies, manipulation, the games, the pain, the egotistical dirt bag that brought me down so much that I almost forgot how to stand. Don't mess with me...or my son... EVER. Cause Monday, is divorce day, yep...13 weeks and I will have that divorce decree in my hands and he has lost something that could have been the best thing ever in his life. I didn't fail...he failed me! Please, please... I don't want to lose it in the courtroom, I don't want to cry. I have been on this emotional rollercoaster, but I have been going strong and my feet have burned the soles off of them with steady moving pace! Send me strength to hold my head high, to not be intimidated, to walk with pride and to be the one in control of the controller. This is my game now, you rotten SOB! YOU LOSE! He never thought I had it in me, he's still begging for me to come back, even after everything he tells me I did wrong and how this is MY fault. No, it's not... Monday... cheers... it's my new beginning. 13 weeks and I'll get that gold seal that says you can't screw with my head anymore, or hurt my son! Strength, is what I need, for me to stand proud and not shed one single tear....until I get back in my car, then I'll just lose it, cause I've been holding my breath for forever it seems.

Forgottenwife... You're my hero... I think I will print your words and paste them to my forehead!!

Checking In I haven't checked in, since I don't really want to say much until Final Divorce. I really have no clue where I fit in? A widow? A divorcee? Where? I feel like one of the misfits on Santa's island! Ugh, God, it feels like I'm a widow all over again, I feel like I just lost my late DH just days ago and here I stand, starting all over again. A single parent, alone, why? I haven't posted since I just don't know where to even go on here. As a widow, I still had friends around me. In the situation I'm in now, I have no friends showing up on my doorstep, just to help me smile. Why? None exist here!!! As a widow, I still had the home late DH and I lived in. I have become completely lost in my own world, leaving a bad situation was the right thing to do, that I know, but the loneliness is so different. As a widow, I never felt unwanted, unloved, hated, or hurt by things. As someone trying to get divorced from an abusive partner, I feel lonely, unwanted, hated, he says I did everything to hurt him, I am throwing him away like trash. It's different, the hurt, the loss, the tears. I have lost friends because of the lies that they believe about me. Well, I guess they aren't really friends then. I did nothing to that man, I did everything to make it work, he came after me for his happiness and never wanted to know "me"... Why am I the bad person for leaving him? After all the hurt and pain he caused my son and I? Ugh, yes, my feet are still moving under me...I still go forward, still doing everything that I can to keep my head held high and my heart tucked away so no one can see it. I'm so scared of the future, of ever trusting, believing, or just waiting for the next shoe to drop. 10 weeks since I fled the depths of evil and abuse and chaos... 10 weeks and I've accomplished a lot, but it has triggered all sorts of painful and unsettling feelings. I still travel this road, hoping to grow into a stronger and wiser person. I have to remember that I still have a future, and it is up to me to define what that will be.

Love the ideas here!

All of the above, painful, angry, hurt, scared...how will I ever trust again? I'm not sure I'll ever be able to "put myself out there again"... of course, my story may be a tad bit different than most. I agree with Abitlost, roller coaster of emotions, you said it so well. As a widow, I don't need the chaos and dysfunction either...just not something I can't handle any longer. It's a loss, but it's different. I can't allow his stupidity to effect how I feel. This time, it's his loss, not mine. The best thing I ever did was run away from that mess.. Now, to figure out the rest. I will and I will be happier!

Congrats!!

I think IfIonlycould said it best... It's the illusion of what we wanted it to be. I'm happy you listened to you gut instinct!

Sounds like a wonderful get away!!!

Holy Smokes!! 14,000 miles!!! Wow, amazing! Is your butt sore from all that driving? It's amazing how our feet keep us going, and you have amazing strength, Maureen, just amazing. And, along the way, you constantly give others a part of that. I'm sure you feel like you ran a marathon because you are left feeling battered and broken. But, I know that it will not make you feel like giving up. The turbulence won?t last forever, you will come through it, and you will be left shaken, but ready to face another day. I love you...Sending you great BIG {{{HUGS}}}