SimiRed

I walk alone everyday, I try to walk for 2-3 miles. I have my headphones in, music going, and most of the time I'm missing my late DH so bad I could just collapse and give up. Yes, it's been a little over 5 years, but I still hear him, I still see his face, hear his voice! Why? His son is EXACTLY like him! Oh... my son makes me proud, he's amazing, he even talks like his Dad. I remarried in Oct. 2012, I shouldn't say this...but it has not been a very happy ride. I'm miserable half (probably more) of the time, I don't feel like "home". I miss "home", I miss home so much I could cry. Some days I ask "Why??" Why after all I went through with late DH trying to conceive, baby after 10 years of trying, cancer diagnosis 3 years after that, dragging a toddler to chemo, hospital rooms, etc....then my husband dying when our son was just 8 years old. WHY??? Why do I deal with this crap now? Somedays I just can't stand myself, I want to keep walking and never turn back. But I can't, I'm stupid, I'm loyal, faithful... and I feel like a used piece of trash sometimes. Why? Cause I hear "I'm not raising YOUR KID", "You should pay 2/3 and I should pay 1/3 of the bills", "Bitch", "I do everything for you", "I LET you hang this here blah blah blah, why don't you feel it's home?" What is wrong with me? Is it the fear of loss again? What is wrong with me that I allow this? Time for my walk... Sorry, I just don't even know where to even post this. But, no one sees me screaming on the inside. I talked to a friend here a little, but I feel like she's giving me the brush off. So, it's best I just keep to me and my music in my ears. I miss my Rick.... he "got" me, he "protected" me, he "loved" me and made me feel like his angel.

{{{Hugs}}}

His name was Rick I called him Ricky since when I met him at 9 years old, that's what his Mother and sister called him. My son called him Daddy (Still does) I called him "Baby Doll" His coworkers called him a Genius, they wrote letters to my son about all the things he accomplished at work that will forever impact the future of pharmaceuticals. I miss him so very bad, somedays, I can't do it.

This.... I need this so bad it hurts!! I have no rock in my life anymore, I have become the rock to others, but I'm lost looking for someone to listen sometimes.

Blended Family, All I can say is yes, it takes a ton of work. You BOTH have to be willing to do it. My step daughter is 21 now, but we hardly see her. When I moved, my son was 9 and he is now 14. I still struggle everyday, so I am not a good one to ask how to make it work. My husband is a divorcee, so he doesn't get the "widow" part. He calls my late husband my "ex" and he doesn't really do much with my son. If I could go back in time, I would do things differently with this "Chapter 2", but I don't post about it because I don't know if it really belongs anywhere here. I keep it all inside, cause the only one who can really do anything about it is me, and I'm don't know where the "me" is anymore. Take your time, for me... I'm not sure it's working the way I had envisioned it to work. My son does not have a Father figure in his life, and this scares the crap out of me. I just feel like I've let my son down, but he tells me I didn't.

Beautiful post! This is a place I can call home, it's my rock. It's always there to listen or to give advice. {{Hugs}}

Donna, Hugs! Today and the coming days as you go through the rooms and de-clutter, it's not easy. Enjoy your lunch today

I don't feel very anchored in my life either. However, my docks are my gardening, scrapbooking and my son. I look at my son and he keeps me going, he's my reason My other dock is my widda buddies and this group!

Hugs, DonnaP... Have a great lunch with you sister! Yesterday and Today I helped my Sister in Law tear down an old barn that she wants to put back up in her yard. Tons of work, my house is a mess, but we got it down.

Yes, it counts!!!

Going to a Meals on Wheels fundraiser tonight. Donated a little extra in my late DH's name...

A friend played this on an Acoustic guitar and then my son played on the piano at the funeral. The Dance: Garth Brooks

Mikeeh, Just know that I understand what you are saying. I think a lot of us lost family and friends, especially the ones that made promises they never kept. Trust, not sure I will ever trust again either, for reasons that you mention above and for other reasons that I deal with now. Maybe one day in my life that will change, but it would have to be someone who is extremely willing to prove it to me... over and over and over, just so I "get" it! I build my walls too, it's easier that way.

Love this...

I had it too... just shy of 20 years. I miss it terribly.

Beautiful... Makes my sad too... {{Hugs}}

I'm so sorry, you're post just makes me tear up too. I don't like it when our hearts hurt like that and those tears come with no warning.

{{HUGS}}

Maureen, {{Hugs}} Wish I could just give you a real one

I have a friend that when she was 9 months pregnant and due to deliver on a Monday by C-section (21 years ago), she ended up having pains on Saturday, went to the hospital and they sent her home. By Monday, there was no heartbeat, she had to give birth and then bury her baby girl. The baby had separated from the placenta. That was 21 years ago yesterday. My friend is now divorced, for 8 years (or more) and is struggling financially and doesn't really have a lot. Well, Yesterday, I went to Rebecca's grave and put a solar light and a Butterfly stepping stone next to it. She would have been 21. Just wanted my friend to know that I remembered and it felt really good doing that for her.

I love to read. Whenever Rick had chemo, was in the hospital, at the clinic or we were on a plane flying to another hospital... I would read. Waiting in the carpool line to pick up my son, I would read. It was my escape. I read a series of books and one of the characters in that book was called "Simi"... She was girl who was carefree, surrounded by an aura of mystery. She was someone who was misunderstood by everyone around her. So, when I logged in, the only thing I could think of was Simi.. I added Red, cause I have red hair. "SimiRed"

Never thought of myself as am "Empath". How would you know? What does one do to alleviate some of those traits? But, Wow, the emotional pain I feel sometimes is horrific. Crowds are terrible, can just make me feel sick sometimes. Loud noises actually hurt and I'm made fun of for that. In fact, someone around me continues to do loud tapping, stomping or just tap on a pan with a spoon to prove that he's not being overly loud. I have to leave the room cause it seriously hurts, I feel the noise in every fiber of my being! I can tell when someone is lying to me and I don't say anything. When DH passed away, a few days later, after everyone left and it was just our son and I at home, when I went to sleep that night, I dreamed that he carried me through the house, down the stairs, and to the couch where we always sat. I felt it, I really did, I can still feel it as if it were yesterday. It was so real, so weird real... Unfortunately, I feel beat up all the time. Just drained, I listen to someone's negativity over and over and over, about people he works with, the store clerk who can't count change, the car that needs gas...again, the company that does nothing right, etc. I tell him to stop, to think of something positive to talk about and he thinks I'm just not wanting to listen. It makes me depressed, lonely, I don't know, it's awful... it's draining!! My biggest problem with where I am now is the clutter...I feel trapped, isolated... I clean, pick up, move things here or there to make it better..maybe. It may not seemed cluttered to anyone else, but it does to me. Is this what you mean by "Empath"? If so, how do I control all these feelings that just build? I'm exhausted all the time... But, I still wear that smile that no one sees beyond. Guess I need to do some research on this....

That is AWESOME!!! I am so happy that you had a "Happy Moment" to bring to us! It was such a joy to read and I could just "feel" your happiness. It's amazing how a little bit of goodness can make someone feel really good. Glad you are here!

Woohoo!!! Doing great!

This is my second "Home"... it's where I am most comfortable, surrounded by those who completely understand and don't judge!