SimiRed

Yes, it is okay! It is what you feel and it's okay to yell, scream, and say what you need to say.

Mizpah, that is a big question...the answer is No, I'm not okay. I don't want to hijack Mel's thread, this is her support thread and in time, a few days maybe, I'll need to make my own thread for support from those who supported me most. But, today, I can't do that... No, I'm not okay...I am so terrified, I'm struggling to claw my nails in this deep dark hole to the top...sometimes I slip back, but the last few days, I see the tiniest sliver of light...tiny, If I keep clawing, I'll get to it. To make it right, pain and suffering is the key to all windows, without it, there?s no way of life. To make it right, it's the pain and suffering I must face again. All I want is confidence to be me.

Thank you everyone FindingMyWay... I will come back and write the things that I dismissed and let go when he was "wooing" me. What I can see now was something that I should not have let go then. As it is the weekend.. I don't get on the computer much since I don't even want him to catch me typing on here!!

***Sigh*** :-\ Okay, I probably said too much, sorry for that. Mel, Thank you for not taking offense. I just read certain "signs" that happened to me. He would tell me I was beautiful all the time, still does. Talk to me for hours, talk to my son on the phone, cook dinner for me when he came over, took me to the beach and we walked on the dock and watched the sunset. He played video games with my son, and when my parents met him, he was perfect. He told my Dad he was going to marry me and take care of me. He told me in April 2010 that he would give me a ring. I moved, we lived together, Christmas came - no ring, Valentines - no ring, Birthday - no ring. Now, it's a little over a year later - no ring. I told him that I would not be a live-in, I am setting a bad example for my son. Christmas... I got a ring. Guess that was his way of keeping me. The sex thing...I was very adamant about not having sex right away, made him wait a long time! Never stopped him from asking, he asked the first day we met in person...he gave me sexy lingerie for a gift, with flowers of course. He was the most thoughtful man.... I just want the best for you, and I want you safe. Hugs and my best to you!

Mel... I don't know where to start or what to say, except, please take your time. Look for the red flags. Lots of good advice given to you here. YOU are NOT stupid, you are kind, giving, loving and having someone recognize this feels good. Let me tell you my story... I was vulnerable when I met my now husband, a divorcee. I was in love with him too. He showed me attention, told me he would marry me yesterday, that all the other women he dated were "crazy, destructive, wanted nothing but money from him, used him, stalked him, etc." Even said his ex wife was abusive and would fight with him all the time. Told me I was different, I had a true heart of gold that he wanted next to his. Bought me a "promise" ring... BUT, for someone so in love with me took him TWO years to ask me to marry him. He showered me with gifts, flowers, attention, etc. Gosh, it felt wonderful. He would fix things around the house for me, do maintenance on my car, took my son fishing, to the zoo, etc. It was so nice to have a man take control of those things. He was charming and confident, I would listen to stories about how he did things for his Mom, his sister, friends, etc. I thrived, I felt good, IT felt right! I packed up my special/important things, sold my house, sold all my furniture so I had less to move. He LOVES me, told me I held his heart in my hands. He held my heart in his . Fast Forward to today... A guy with narcissistic traits usually bides his time before he shows his true colors. He knows how to make you feel on top of the world. For a while, you can be deceived into thinking he is your long lost soul mate. He will complement you excessively, take you on wonderful dates, buy you gifts, lay the flattery on thick. Unfortunately, if you're caught up in the romance you may miss the manipulation that comes along with it. (As I did) The red flags were there, I dismissed them and everyone that tried to tell me differently...he LOVES me. Yes, I'm still married, seeing a therapist (he doesn't know that), I'm controlled, yelled at, manipulated. Tells me he does EVERYTHING for me, "Lets" me hang different curtains, "Lets" me put my stuff on this shelf, etc. I don't put the dishes away right, his needs comes first, I have to do what he wants...even though he says he's doing it for me. I moved into his house, so "I gave you a roof over your head, I painted that room for your son, I flew to see you all the way to "state"..." He talks about himself all the time, how hard he works, how no one he works with does anything right, how everyone uses him. I can barely, if ever get a word in about my needs or opinions or even just to talk about nothing. When I talk, he says.. "Okay..are you done yakking now? I've heard you say that over and over and over, stop yakking about it." He belittles me, says that only a "moron" would know to do it this way...he has no empathy for me, if I'm tired..he's tired because he works all day, I have time for a nap since I "just" stay home. Rarely takes my son fishing or does anything as a family. "I don't do things like that, you knew that before you married me". Gives me no money and expects me to buy groceries from my sons Social Security check since I need to pay 2/3 of the bills and him only 1/3..that's fair, ya know. Even though I have no job and paid off his house from the sale of mine. He saves money... lots of it. BUT HE LOVES ME. Tells me to just shut up cause he's tired from dealing with all the know nothings at work. Tells me he's doing what he wants to do cause he does everything for everybody all the time and it's time for him! Steals my self confidence, BUT HE LOVES ME. Wants my son to eat a hot dog instead of the steak that he bought for him and I. Barely speaks to my son...only to tell him what to do and he needs to know how to do the chores right, since he is the one who put the f'ing roof over his head. I'm emotionally and mentally abused. I'm trying to figure out how to get unstuck, I cry, I'm weak, I'm scared...BUT HE LOVES ME! My son does not deserve this HELL...he's been through enough of it in life. He says he was just "part of the package" cause this person wanted me.. I'm sad my only baby, my late dear, dear, loving husband of 20 years' son.. has to feel like a nothing. Okay.. I'm done with my story... This may NOT be the person you are with, I just wanted to share my story with you cause your story sounded so familiar, so close to home. Please look for any sign of this, avoid being rushed into committing to a relationship, tune in to your intuition and find out if there is any discomfort that you are experiencing. Your instincts are there to protect you!! Narcissists have to move quickly in a relationship, plowing over your natural resistance with over the top romance. This makes you much more easily manipulated, as you?re naturally a bit off balance. Also, as you go deeper into the relationship, you reveal more of yourself to him, and trust him more (Never noticing the tidbits he tells you about himself are small and or incomplete, because he is such a great listener!). That then allows him to destroy you emotionally when he stops paying attention to you or starts abusing you. Once he?s got you hooked, he knows it will be hard, if not impossible for you to escape. Something to read... only if you want: http://luckyottershaven.com/2014/10/03/a-match-made-in-hell-narcissists-and-hsps/ Mel, I pray and hope that you have found a wonderful, loving, KIND man. Who will cherish you as you deserve. Who will LOVE you unconditionally and feel lucky to have such a woman in his life. Nothing I said is meant to hurt you, or make you feel stupid. I want you to be safe, knowledgeable, and above all else... loved like you deserve to be. As far as stupid.... that's me, I'm still sitting in this Hell. BECAUSE HE LOVES ME.

I could see the benefits... I guess. BUT, why be together if you are going to still act like marriage isn't important. Seems like society is going this way, it's easier to get out when nothing goes your way.

Those comments are from people who have never had to face this kind of trauma in their lives! It's an amazing story of strength and perseverance!

How old is your daughter? I have a friend whose daughter made friendship bracelets, and sold them for $1. Is she in school? How about involving some teachers? Maybe an art fair at school with work created by students and marketed to parents. Have a few teachers have bucket in their classrooms to collect change for a month. At the end of the month teacher with most change has to dye their hair blue (This just makes it a fun competition and encourages more change for the bucket) I've seen this generate a couple thousand dollars.) They did this for my son when he was in 4th grade for his Dad's chemo treatments when the drug he needed was still "experimental" and not covered. A read a thon fundraiser? http://www.fund-raising-ideas-center.com/kid-fundraising-read-a-thon.html A neighborhood/church yard sale, you get the proceeds. Have a lemonade stand with some homemade goodies like, brownies, cupcakes, cookies, etc. Then do a 50/50 raffle! Everyone loves the chance to win cash. Have a friend that is artistic? Set up a face painting booth and charge $2 or $3... Just some thoughts.

So sorry for you dog Yes, moving will bring back that sense of loss/grief. You are losing another part of that chapter in your life and it's okay to feel sad about it. It is heart wrenching to let go of our "comfort zone!"

@MissinGrizz... You're right!!! I was reading too fast and probably didn't absorb my coffee yet. I talk about my late DH to my son, I try to tell him stories about things that were happy moments.

All of this!!! But I strongly suggest #2! I struggle all the time with "it's his house", I can't move this, or I don't want to move it. I makes it harder to feel at "home" when you move into "his/her" house. Their home is set up the way they've always had it, harder to change that way and even harder to move in and get rid of "your" stuff. Not sure about not talking about the missing parent. It hurts so much not being able to talk about someone who is the father of my son, who I spent 20 years married to. I don't want him ignored or forgotten. I think it is healthy to talk about the deceased parent, cause they will always be an important part of who they are. Be careful what you part with when you move, store it first and make decisions on it later. There is so much that I let go of in a hurry to move in that I regret parting with it, and when done in a hurry, I'm sure I lost some things.

{{{Hugs}}} My son was 8 when his Dad passed away. He remembers some things, but I know most will fade. I miss that he will not get to really know how great of a man his father was. I forget too, I remember a lot, but time steals a lot too.

Happy Anniversary!

Great thread!! I'm not cut out for the housewife crap either... problem is, I'm stuck doing it cause I "stay home all day". Wish I would've seen what you seen Sugarbell and just kept the sex!! Oh.. If ya'll are making a Bago Bus route, add me to the list!!

Riggers, You'll make a reality out of anything that is important to you. Don't feel so "meh" about the guy thing, long distance thing. If it's just "meh", then he's not the one. When you meet the right guy, you'll do so much to be together, it'll be a team effort thing, and he'd never be "too busy" to see you. Try not to worry so much about everything you still want to accomplish. It'll come in due time, focus on today first. Those steps are what will take you to tomorrow, and the next day.

Beautiful This board has become my Rock, my comfort zone, my sanity at times! Thank you to everyone who always lends the listening ear and the words to help us understand that we are not alone.

Oh, Maureen... {{{HUGS}}} I bet that was hard to actually write down.

@Mizpath, I can understand the confusion. "Sometimes I feel hopeful, sometimes I feel hopeless". Totally get that! My first DH and I just "meshed" so perfectly together.. we knew each other as kids, as teenagers, then married when I was 19, we were married for 20 years. There was such an unbreakable connection there. Such a GREAT Love! We just "got" each other, we knew each other inside and out. Problem now is current DH does not "get" me. We don't "mesh" well at all on things. He wants the room brown, I want the room yellow... It's his way that counts, it's his answer that is right. I have no choice... With my late DH, we made a choice together, the walls could have been brown and yellow striped..but it was a joint decision. That's where I struggle, I no longer have an opinion that matters. Difficult, oh yes, very. I'm not sure if it will ever improve. I'm not sure I need to wait for it to "improve"... how long should we have to wait? @cmf, your dishwasher comment really stuck out for me. Because my Chapter 2 fights with me over CRAZY little things! I put a fork away wrong, I load the dishwasher wrong, I get in his way while he's doing something and I should know better than to walk up on him, "what is wrong with you, don't you know better than that by now?" I walked out once and spent the night at a friends...and of course, it was all my fault. If he gets mad, I get the silent treatment, I hate the silence! I am also told that he's sorry that he doesn't hold me up on a high enough pedal stool for me. I guess this is the same as saying he's not loving me the way I need/want to be loved and that's my fault. He tells me he loves me all the time, deeply loves me, would be devastated if he lost me. But, has no problem telling me it's F'ing BS that I didn't fill the wood-stove since he did it this morning. (I've done it all day!) I like your statement "It is even more difficult to do so when your whole world is unfamiliar to you, and the usual comforts are gone." I miss home too. Kinda goes on to what RobFTC says, it got better when they moved to a different place that was "theirs" and only "theirs". I moved in to current DH's house, where he's been for 25 years. This is his comfort zone, not mine. It's his stuff and he'll put it where he wants. My stuff is whereever it will fit. Did you move into "his" place or did you find a new place together? Rob, the difference it seems is you were both willing to do the "work" to keep the relationship. My DH will never do counseling, they are all wrong and only want your money. If I bought a workbook, he'd laugh at me and my answers would still be wrong. I don't have the answers either, but I pray "Someday" we can dig deep enough to find them within ourselves.

{{Hugs}}

{{Hugs}} I'm sure she didn't intend to hurt your feelings, but she did. You will take care of things in your own time, don't let anyone tell you when to do it. I saved his Navy dress uniforms, special shirts, and just things that were special to me. OMG... the shoes! That for me was so hard, it just felt so bad to just get rid of them. Just shoes...NO, his shoes, his feet were in them, he walked to me in them, his shoes In your own time, and when YOU want to! SoVerySad, so true, "he died to a million moments in future forever changed ". We all lost our "Someday"... Someday we'll do this, or we'll go here, or we'll sit on the front porch in our rocking chairs... Our somedays have changed or are now an unknown. More Hugs!

Thanks!!! Great getting everything up and running and keeping us informed!

{{{Hugs}}} I'm so sorry!

Fleur, no apologies needed...you are not too harsh, you are real and honest. I value honesty in others, I'd rather hear that then the fluff! Yes, he's let me down. I'm disappointed that it's like this, very disappointed. I stopped posting on a lot of my boards because I don't want to be on the computer when he is home. Heck, I get in trouble for texting or looking at my phone! I am the only one that can change this, I have to dig deeper than deep and find it within me to do it. I'm digging... but it feels like I'm digging with a spoon! **Side question: Can everything here be read without even logging in and creating an account? I noticed this last night when I looked at widda on my phone and I didn't have to log in to read anything.

Unfortunately, I too, fall into this category. We are really only hurting ourselves, it's self-destructive to give to a point when it becomes expected and not appreciated. Step back, slowly... how about, "I can do this for you, however, I can't take care of the cleaning since I have "this" to do". Hopefully, if you do it long enough it will become a habit to say No, it's too much for me to handle right now.

Thank you all for listening. This is my safe place. @Sugarbell... Wow, you are so brave!!! Honestly, I have no clue why I sit here and take it, I don't know what my fears are? Maybe letting the man I married down? Maybe I feel like I've ruined his life with false hopes and leading him on? I am so stuck, some tell me, you'll get tired of it eventually... Will I? Or am I forever the faithful wife no matter what? Maureen... the bins are stuffed..I'm waiting for a safe place to put them.