Sugarbell

I am Methodist...DH was Episcopalian-The watered down Catholics as he used to call it. We ended up joining a Methodist church and raising our kids Methodist..but he didn't care..because he wasn't that into his church...and the rules were more lax than Catholics. It wouldn't bother me so much not being married in the church...my concern would be more for my kids. Have her kids always gone to the Methodist church? I know its a warm n fuzzy social outing (services, youth groups, community oriented) and it maybe an adjustment for kids to get used to the formality of Mass. Could you guys do both? --Does she want to convert or have her kids convert or is it a matter of going together and sitting through services as a family? (Which my hang up would be I wouldn't be allowed to take communion nor would my kids?) I think maybe compromise...and do both??

I am sorry... This guy is a douchebag. I know you loved him..but he came on hot, heavy and romantic..and really blindsided you with affection/courtship. He's a fickle flake. Stay strong...I wouldn't be a bit surprised if he doesn't tell you he still loves you next week and made a mistake. Don't bite. You deserve better.

I call him my friend. Or the man I am involved with...or just use his name when referring to him. He's the same way. I can't do the "boyfriend" stuff...he's 52 years old for Petes sakes. When he's coaching-the kids on the team call me "Bae" My daughter calls him "Moms boyfriend" my boys say "the guy my Mom is seeing" But I am pretty private about it this time around. I don't do the "in a relationship" nonsense on FB either. It just seems juevenile and I see no reason to advertise certain aspects of my personal life online.

Port side nailed it...performance athletes...after high school is over...can crash and suffer from depression. My brother state wrestling champ/homecoming kind/class Vice President...totally crashed and went off the deep end after high school. Reading your post had so many similarities to what my parents went through. 3 times sent to the university-flunked out (but he also got in legal trouble every time). My parents dealt with the braggarts....and it was rough on them too (my Mom was then still a high school teacher). I hesitate with letting a shrink give him meds. It could be a lifesaver it could make things worse. My brother rejected therapy/meds and ended up getting thrown in psych hospitals probably 8 or 9 times. My Mom has said several times she wished she would have left him at home-sent him to community college and let encourage him to be a volunteer coach with kids in the community. My brother is finally stable now-no meds-works at a gym and helps train clients...Working out he says balances his brain. And the bright spot in his life is my kids. He's great with them. It sounds like your oldest is the same way with your youngest. Could he volunteer coaching a sport for school age kids? As a way of giving back to the community and in turn it would benefit him too? No clear cut answers...just going on my limited experience with my brother. He says now it was too much pressure in college-he couldn't handle it. He missed his old life in high school. Sending you strength and support. I know it's heart wrenching.

I have done it quite a bit...I actually really enjoy our trips-Definitely building memories. I didn't take all 3 until my daughter was 4 (4,6 and 8)... since then we have done beach trips (recommend a quiet beach with an ocean front place/ocean front room balcony. Our beach is quiet and August is reduced rates-I can't do large crowds with 3 kids on a beach-but a quiet place is perfect. Adventure Vacations are fun. Sometimes I try different things like 2 days here..2 days there, etc...if it's a driving vacation. We did Disney and flew. (They were 6, 8 and 10). It's good for my kids because all of our trips require them learning to compromise (like my boys had to ride Dumbo and little mermaid and Disney and my daughter had to ride Space Mountain lol) I do try to find discounts, coupons and research all the places we go ahead of time. NG has been on one trip with us-and that's now am adjustment for me because it's just been us 4 for years on trips. I have never done international travel with my kids though. Do it!!! The memories for them are awesome!

Vent away! Girl I get it!! I have had periods over the years that I have felt the exact same way! (My boys are 11 and 13..just enough age difference to be on separate teams too) It's a rat race. I have lost my shit on several occasions-When I am spinning out of control...it helps me to take 30 minutes of zoning out. Ignoring the world the chaos all over it. Whether it be working out, watching TV...or hell being on my phone on this site (like my kids are probably wrestling downstairs before bed and I am upstairs on my phone oblivious)... but in 5 minutes I will be back in "Mom mode" if that makes sense. (((((Hugs...I get it...it's a rocky road and definitely an education for all of us parenting solo)))

No guilt....because well he's still around and we talk on occasion (Yeah yeah...I know most don't buy into it-Seeing is believing with me) Although...tonight...as I was stripping wallpaper that we put up together...and seeing bathrooms torn apart and renovated I felt nostalgic and had a tinge of guilt. I thought "He loved this house...we were so young and excited when we decorated it and I am tearing it apart to be different"... But then...he spoke to me "Del..the place is almost paid off...Take the money from the house and GO! You know I am a snot with education-Get the kids out of here!..... but take the flower beds rocks...I got us from the mountains...those can go anywhere". And then it was gone. Any guilt I have is short lived and its always been kid related. I never give any thought to DH when it comes to NG. I love him romantically, earthly love. I don't think romantic love exists on the other side. It's a purer, spiritual all encompassing kind. Like family, romantic, all of it rolled into one big ball of light. Sorry...I just had a moment with him this evening with wallpaper😄...And it was on my mind. Don't feel guilt. Live in the Moment and Embrace what you have!!💜💙

Ewww gawd...I get it...those types just suck the life out of me while giving me a migraine because I am internally pissed off. I am sorry your brother is that way...I used to have people in my life that way...but thank God it wasn't family. I say send him a thank you card next year. That kind of phone conversation isn't worth the negative energy it brings.

So much coolness in this picture!!😊

((((hugs strength and good vibes sent your way Marian))))

There were parts of my marriage that were bad...but also parts that were very good. I remember both parts but focus on the good....not in a romantic way...but I want my kids to know the good things about Dad. Whether we like it or not...our children deserve to know their other parent. Even if they have a great step parent...eventually down the road (or presently) they want to know about them. Especially if they were young when they died. That's just how it is.

Well...I am from the school of thought that tearing another person down doesn't build you up to look better. In this case publicly telling your group that you marriage wasn't perfect and certain issues you had....it's not going to build up Ch2 to them. Why can't they both be wonderful? Because a person dies we don't just replace them with someone else. When you stated about the wedding photos-discarding of but then stated "Well what if we don't work out?"-- I sense Ch2 is kinda insecure and feels threatened by Ch1. And as far as pics-I see nothing wrong with a few ...I am 8 yrs out and have two family shots in the house. My kids deserve to know their Dad...and I just share the good stuff daily. NG doesn't pay any attention to the photos-He knows it for the kids. Maybe I am wrong...but the problem isn't your friends or pics in the house. The problem is Ch2 insecurity and jealousy. Don't brush off your friends. Don't alienate yourself from them. Do not isolate yourself to where you have minimal contact outside your work except for Ch2. Please don't do it. And don't second guess yourself...you are feeling the way you do (and have) for a reason. Your intuition is speaking to you/

Thank you all so much! The cravings pass...I get them about 2 times a day. Haven't had those since the first 6 months I got clean. Oh yeah...I follow many principles of NA. Read the big book worked the steps. Actually haven't been to a meeting in years...and really finding the time to get to one would stress me more! I have 2 old friends that have been in recovery for 8 and 12 years. And we message each other when we need support. Actually Christmas stresses all 3 of us out. It's just I know the most people don't understand that this is an issue I will deal with the rest of my life. And when I am stressed I really have to keep my guard up. And I try to run and lift weights with my son it does give me an adrenaline high. You guys rock. Thank you.

Posted under Social...although it falls under parenting, grief, special circumstances, etc. My stress level is through the roof. I landed a new full time job in my hometown where we are moving. I will be commuting (one hour one way) starting Feb 1st. My oldest son is starting middle school 7th grade there then. He will stay with my folks...I am going to spend 2 nights a week down there so I can split my time between kids and cut down on driving and my Mom will stay with my other 2 on those nights. He needs out of this school district and it's a good move for him (and he wants to play baseball for the school in the spring there) My house is a wreck. Have a guy working on major repairs/roof/drywall. No clue how I am going to list it by April and keep it looking good. The whole move is stressing me out although I know it's the right thing to do. My Mom doesn't like NG (she didn't like him before she met him..I told him a year ago how she was and not to take it personally cause I knew she wouldn't. She hasn't liked any man I have ever been involved with. Normally I wouldn't give a shit...but I need to stay in her good graces because well I need the help with the kids right now. So I am playing middle man. New Year's Day I lost it...curled up and just cried. I wanted a pill...I craved my pills to escape. No I didn't relapse..but I am a walking Bitch right now. The cravings are bad. I will always be an addict. But this is the first tine in 4 years that I really really want one. Going to the mountains-road trips have been my coping mechanism. Can't do that at this moment. Too pressed for time and saving all $$$ for the move. I won't relapse...if I use I will die. Just missing DH...and need to find a new coping mechanism to get through the next few months. Thanks for letting me get this off my chest.

I do not have experience with this as a parent. But I do as a sister and my brother went through something very similar at your sons age. I am just throwing a few things out..not sure his situation..but things I learned from my brother (and he went from homecoming king/all state athlete in high school to flunking out of college twice-and numerous stints in jails and psych wards. Has a doctor ruled out a chemical imbalance? Most mental illnesses trigger (esp in young men) around his age. Do not allow him to use his Dads death as a crutch ...try not to enable him to be helpless. (My Mom did this with My brother) Regardless of whether it's a chemical imbalance, poor coping skills or just immaturity/growing pains-he needs structure. It's why so many young kids aren't emotionally ready for the freedom of college. Simple things like going to bed around the same time, getting up early..household work is a start. My brother always did better when he was busy working at any job...it kept unity in his life and routine. And college isn't for everyone. Don't know your son-he may decide to go back to school at 21 and make a 4.0. Or college may not be for him. Any kind of work will help him..help him figure out what he wants to do with his life. I am sure he's angry-mostly at himself and probably has a very fragile sense of self right now. Work will help give him a purpose build him up. And lifting weights and exercise greatly helped my brother. I maybe totally off base and none of these things may pertain to your situation. Just throwing g out ideas. I am really sorry you are dealing with this-it can be isolating and gut wrenching at the same time.

Your kids are older than mine...But NG sleeping here is still sketchy...most nights he ends up on the couch.😳 However, when I go on a trip with him or stay over at his house (without my 3 little bodyguards) I just say "I am staying at NGs house tonight"-No one questions it. Not there house-nor in front of them..they don't care. Haven't tackled it in my place yet though. Still sneaking like a teenager.

My realtor whose a friend of mine went through the house yesterday afternoon giving suggestions on how to stage it. The handy man work is unreal. I have put off fixing certain things because I thought "What's the point?"... Yes I have enjoyed the kids over...but not the wear and tear on my house. And I know my kids won't be invited over for sleepovers. No one does them much...of my kids friends...because they live in nice immaculate homes. Just annoying now. And 8 years solo....with everything from babies, toddlers, preschoolers, school age, preteens and now a teenager...it's definitely taken it's toll. The birthday parties (they all want them here-not at another place) you name it..it's been here. The good news...I only owe about 10,000 on the house...So when it sells I will be able to pay a good deal down on our new home and hopefully not have a huge mortgage like I have had for the past 8 years.

You all have heard me gripe a lot about housework I know...for years. When DH and I bought this home we were so proud. We entertained had cook outs, adult parties frequently. We did this up until our second child was born then quit because we were overwhelmed. I am listing the house in April...I have a carpendenter and a contractor coming out to do lots of work to get it ready. The amount of work needed is insane...probably 20-25 thousand (that includes new roof and AC).. For the past 8 years my house has been the kid hang out. Birthday parties, weekends, every weekend I have at least a kid or two who isn't my own stay. I figured it's good they are comfortable here. The favor is rarely returned. People don't want kids in their homes on weekends...hence they stay here. Now including my daughter friends (I had 3 girls and 4 boys here just last night). To the naked eye my house isn't that bad....until you see the holes downstairs in the wall...the broken ping pong table...the ceiling tiles half out...the rotting carpet in 2 bathrooms. The light fixtures missing parts, drywall chipped....I could go on and on. I have spent the past 2 hours cleaning after the kids left (my kids are helping me)... glasses, bags of food...hundreds of BBs shot downstairs after I went to sleep. I am done. Told my kids "No more...time for your friends to start having you over I have to get this house ready to sell" My oldest son complains that I never have adults over or adult parties. I am just embarrassed of this house now. So I don't. I have decided there are kid entertaining houses and adult entertaining houses. My next home in my hometown...I will have adults over and be proud again. Occasionally they can have one friend...but it will be rare. And I often think "Is it because there isn't a Dad here??? That they think it doesn't matter?" "Cool house" is permanently closed. I am done.

I think it works for some....it totally depends upon ones personality, needs, stage in life circumstances, etc. Just because we are all widow/era doesn't mean we deal with things the same way. Different people different walks of life. 8 months out I met a widower who was 2 months out. After a month of dating...he was ready for me to move, he wanted to adopt my kids and live happily ever after. I thought I was going to suffocate right there. I bolted. Within a month of me leaving he met another woman...they were married before he hit the one yeAr mark. They are still married and have a 6 year old. It wasn't so much about me or the person...but more about his needs and Wanting to be married again-and it's worked for him. (Although I have heard his wife is now miserable but whatever) I honestly think if my kids were grown and gone I would have been much more receptive to falling in love and remarrying early. But my mind and heart have not been there to go after that if that makes sense. It work for some...it's a disaster for some. Just like everything in life.😳

While I was pregnant, I read a book called Brain Rules for Baby - about how to do all the right stuff to foster stability so that your baby's/kid's brain can have the easiest chance of developing well blah blah blah. There was a chapter in it about the parents' relationship. I don't know if it's true or what study it was based on, but it is branded in my memory: the book states that studies have shown that a man creates 7 hours of housework for "his woman" on average per week, and that a woman saves "her man," again, 7 hours on average a week of work. It seems a bit much, but who knows.... Some men are much more helpful than others, but mine doesn't even seem to notice socks placed a foot from the laundry basket instead of in it. That being said, I am incapable (at present) of, say, replacing a furnace and heating system, or installing a ventilation fan in a bathroom and I'm glad I don't "have to" mow the lawn, so I think perhaps the "big jobs" that take hours and days, or strength I do not possess, it gets balanced out. I hope. I don't know. But wow, that little tidbit really stuck with me. OMG I believe it. Of course that's on average...some worse and yes some much better. I know in some cases the same could be said for women (that we create more work) And I am spoiled....I have a 13 year old who is a combination between MacGyver and Bob the Builder...he can fix and do most small jobs and mows/weedeats. Bigger jobs...I have a brother..who is strong as an ox and will do those big things for just a little cash (or me pay for 18 holes of golf). Like I said...when one or two leave home (my boys) I could see myself then living under one roof. I mean I know this is unromantic as all get out...but when you have kids and work...I just don't have the excess emotional/physical energy for it. I am great with us living separate and really it does eliminate a lot of the stress couples living together go through. You know once the roses lollipops and unicorns of being in love fades. There is real world shit. DH had faults (like being a chronic stoner) but he was neat efficient...never wanted me to touch his laundry or ever pack his clothes for a trip. I was a different type of relationship (I did the majority of the child care once we had more than one kid) but I loved doing that part....picking up/cleaning etc of a grown man...I just can't handle right now. Unless it was my Dad or immediate family member. Merging of money...don't want to do that either (and he has a hell of a lot more than me) I do love him....just don't think I could live with him...at least not during this season of my life.

Hi Paul, Addiction is isolating (whether family/friends know or not)... widdahood is isolating. The convo if the 2 are just over the too painful. People use drugs to cover up emotional pain. I am a prescription drug addict in long term recovery. I was a recreational pill head for years...then DH died and within months became a full fledge addict. The fact that you are speaking out to us on here is a HUGE step...you aren't in denial and you do want to stop...But you're living that perfect storm that makes your brain very susceptible to addiction. Have you tried Soberecovery.com? It's a great online resource/forum and even has online AA/NA meetings. Did you have a sponsor when you got clean before?not sure what your DOC is...but different drugs so different things to the brain. Please PM me if you want to chat. You need to break away isolation to get well. Your friends/family will cone around....but Unfortunately you may have to earn back there trust. Believe me I have been there too. I am glad though you have found this place...((((Hugs))))

I mean yes..he (or any guy) can and do take care of themselves...NG us a better cook than me. However messiness doesn't bother him. It bothers me. He would never expect me to "take care of" him....but he lives shit everywhere. My neurotic side picks it up. That's just an example. I was spoiled in that sense with DH...he was a neat freak...likes order...did his own laundry...loved going to the grocery store (well he liked getting stoned then going)...

You've handled it amazingly well. My DH also died on my sons 3rs Birthday (he's now 11)..and the first few years on his birthday it was gut wrenching to me. Like you I didn't discuss it...we always had a family get together-bday party and plowed through it for my sons sakes (my son to this day does not know his dad died on his bday-he thinks it's 3 days later when I found his body) Now I make my sons birthday as a Celebrarion of Life event. The past 4 years the day no longer makes me sad...I make it about life and my sons life...He's also my kid who always ends up with the blow outt party every year....his siblings never complain (cause there birthday party is generally small) on sons unspoken level they know.

I really don't think I will be able to live with a man under the same roof (married or not) until my kids are older...one or two leave home etc. I said it before I got into a relationship and I am saying it now (it has nothing to do with not being with the "right one" for me it's not the "right time" to cohabitat. All I see is added work....and I am on housework overload...and I have a 13 yr old who is better with fixing things than most grown men. I don't want to take care of a grown man on top of the responsibilities of 3 kids. Can't do it. I doubt I will ever be able to. When they leave home...it will be a different season for me....I could see having the energy/desire to live together then. So yeah...I am secretly glad NG doesn't want to sell either house. I think he gels with me cause I am safe for him and I gel with him cause he's safe for me. Jesus....I am so warped😊😳😃

This is S this year too....We are in the pretend stage with Santa...but I can tell she has an idea that is Mom. My boys are great plAying along with it for her.