tybec

Thanks for the validation. I go from anger to guilt regarding NG and his kids' situation. I have to be supportive of his goal with his children as I KNOW what it is like to have a fatherless child, al beit different reasons. OMG, CW. I did the same thing this weekend. Skype wouldn't work, and he finally had to call his ex to get assistance. I don't know how many events we have had, and he steps out to do this. It is not a big deal as his dedication to his kids is admirable. But I do wonder about this being FOREVER. SB, Oh MY! The complexity of your situation. I appreciate you sharing. Arneal, your past experiences are helpful to hear. I joke I was raised by the Cleavers, as my parents married in 1950, and I was the change of life baby in their 40s. I can't change that, but this new world to me is not new to many. I am the anomaly. It grounds me to hear other stories of folks. Thanks.

NG is without kids this weekend, so hanging with my son and me. I admit, I like to have him to myself. He is on guard with me and his kids, like he won't touch me at all, as he worries about what they will say to their mother. Well, his son called and talked for an hour. They are taking the first scouting camping trip next weekend, and he talked excitingly about the trip and went over plans. NG and his sons are 4 yrs. behind me and my son and all this, so I have been there and done that. He is Pack leader and stuff, just like my LH was. I am happy for him and his sons. I asked if he had ever talked to his son that long, and he didn't think so, and it was not the prescribed phone time. They skype nightly at 7. He also skipped breakfast with us to take the call, and then he had to leave for his other son's soccer game. Ummm, did the ex put him up to calling? Why would he happen to call at this time of day and such? Again, happy for NG and his son's interest, but timing was impeccable. NG hopes it will become a norm. Call him when they want to talk to him, which is normal and natural. Makes me smile and smirk at the same time.

So happy to read your post. So glad you are making choices. My son attended the poorer school in town and the other Middle School 8th grade does the DC trip in he spring. Well, I moved us to a much better school/city and he loves his new school, but no trip. I did Disneyworld after LH died, He planned the trip for May but died in Jan. and I moved the dates. It was so special. Well, DC is where I want to talk my son this summer. Let me know any good plans. He wants to go. I knew it would be expensive. Thanks for sharing.

Oh, my! The stories! My NG tells me things about us that I just think are natural. Like, we have good conversations about things, some things very deep. My lack of experience in dating, I don't know anything different. I guess this is the kind of stuff he crossed paths with over the years. Leadfeather. Sorry about the dating thing. I took 4 yrs. and a few months to decide to try to date. That was longer than many folks. I wasn't ready as I loved my DH still. Good luck in maneuvering and finding the right path for you.

Thanks Arneal. I do this, too. I thought it was a fatalist view. Maybe just more common because of our situations with death? I am glad I am not the only one who goes there.

Thanks for the feedback. It is good to know others get it. I don't know if I am cut out for the drama of a custody battle and on going interactions with the ex and family. I did move to his town, but not just for him. I am attending a different church for my son due to the youth program. I started a small group to meet people. I am interviewing for jobs to shorten my commute of 90 minutes. My son loves his new school. The difference in education is palatable. Starts his day in Lego robotics for an elective and ends in geometry in the HS, as he is in MS. There was nothing like this in my very poor county we lived in. My mother is slowly dying with hospice involved. I am where I need to be. Just not all sure about the NG and fam. I like his kids, his activiites he does with them. He is a great dad. But all the other. Yeah. It will work or it won't. My mantra. It is the fact no matter how I think about it. Thanks again.

NG's kids are in Florida with their mom and grandparents for fall break. So, I have had lots of time with NG. We have had LOTS of discussions, some disagreements. The honeymoon is over. Working through it. Well, court for his kids isn't until MARCH. So, waiting to even go to court is basically this whole school year. There will be no changes with his custody arrangement until then, at the earliest. I knew we are on hold for future decisions about us, where we are going, where he lives, etc. He is referring to us more and more as US and WE and such. But wow. I had no idea about things taking forever to change. Anyone else just waiting due to other circumstances? On one level, I am like, "Well, this gives us time to decide if we are really IT." My other level says, " You know tomorrow isn't promised. How long to wait?" Widowhood. Meh.

Oh, the money stuff. HARD. Yes, have read the stats on marital break ups over money management. New territory. This is me. I am not rich, either, but have some financial luxuries others do not, TEMPORARILY. I live on SSI for now, work part time, to take care of my dying mother and my now teen son. It is temporary. I don't spend big. The money issues are tough to maneuver. I went on vacation with a family a couple years out. We didn't decide how to pay for things, and the dad kept paying for stuff for all 6 of us. I was uncomfortable and then paid for all of us at other things. I needed to just say, "Let's go dutch." Well, I like that with NG when he has his sons and I have mine. Just last weekend, we went to the movies together and he text he ordered the tickets and paid for them on line. OK. I planned to pay him our part. We go out to eat prior, and he says when we go to pay, "Since I paid for the movies, how about you pay dinner. We are here in the relationship, right?" I wasn't prepared, and I said I would go dutch. It was uncomfortable. I paid him for the movie tickets, then. But it was still awkward to me. He paid for my new washer and dryer as he has a credit card for that store and got $200 off due to his veterans status. Well, I am paying him back for it in 3 months, though he got 6 months same as cash. He teases me about owning it, me owing him. It is funny sometimes, but then I told him I would write a check if that was a problem, so he knows he teased too far. I don't know the answer to all this. My former house didn't sell. They backed out of the contract last minute. So, I have two homes right now. I am a bit stressed. I am trying to not get upset about something I can't control. I can survive it, I know, but it is a financial stress. DH and I had nothing when we got married but our degrees, starting out, and all we accumulated was together. WE had one checking account for our whole marriage. Blending stuff is difficult. I will follow you all on this for information. Not sure what I would do regarding lending him money.

I am following! YOU ARE AMAZING! Remember that! Like others said, you have been through worse. YOU can get through this. I used to do this mandatory divorcing parents workshop. I shared the information, and I worked with kids in therapy. But, like our situation, I didn't get it. I heard stories, but.... And now I am dating a divorced guy trying to get shared parenting with a controlling, intelligent educator in her hometown, her birth place, her territory. I, too, see the crazy behaviors that are not about the best interest of the children. Just this week, NG went to watch one son practice swimming, but he had talked with the younger son the night before about going to play on the playground outside some while brother practiced. Mother heard this, of course, and despite the son smiling and saying he couldn't wait, she didn't bring this son to the practice, then. Never told his father where he was, but he wasn't with his father for an hour of fun time. YEAH, a teacher turned administrator who claims she is an expert in children pulling this stuff. So, I hear your story and it is on a whole new level. I remember saying in the workshop that every major change will likely bring out some bad behaviors, and marrying again is a BIG ONE. Now I get it. I think NG's ex is responding to me moving here a bit, too. I am praying, sending warm vibes for a beautiful day to signify your new life and commitment to each other. [glow=red,2,300]YOU are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem and smarter than you think.[/glow]

Yes, I understand. My fears are about me, more often, though. I just bargain a lot with God, which is silly. "Please let me get my kid to adulthood." My husband was a car accident death. 5 yrs., 9 months. But I constantly worry about my health, not an accident so much. But I like regular contact with NG. I want to hear from him daily. I just need it. I treat trauma in children, PTSD, abuse. I am not trained in EMDR. But I have friends that are, and I am near a large Army post as my DH worked there. They have a Soldier Center clinic, treating PTSD, private. Good results from many soldiers. My friend was trained recently. I have talked to her about it, as I don't have PTSD, but still have times of panic. Haven't decided to sit on the other side of the couch, yet, but baby steps.

http://www.refinery29.com/2017/07/164210/how-long-couples-spend-together-before-getting-married Arneal, My poor communication. I wrote months, and it should have been years. Here is where I read it. Nothing in stone, exceptions always, of course. But, I don't seem to know any YOUNG couples not living together prior to marriage.

Just reality with dating with kids. NG hung out the evenings at my house all weekend, not his kids' weekend. My DS is getting more used to his presence but not warmed up a whole lot. NG is reaching out, asking him to things, trying to connect in activities he thinks my son may like or participate in with his children. My son is slow to warm, I think and dealing with his mom is really serious about this guy, the only guy besides his dad. Well, NG came for dinner Sunday and was checking his schedule. He has something every night this week with his children's activities. And then it is his weekend with them. They are doing a hike/bike thing Sunday. My son is not up to it. I burned my son out some in boy scouts with camping, hiking, and he does not love it, now. NG is just starting all that up with his kids being younger. So, not sure when we will connect again. I know NG has 2 kids, so twice the amount of activities I did with my son. He deserves to have that time, and I will work on accepting this. It is highly likely my son will be involved soon with school events, too, so we will be going in different directions. I read an article that many relationships now are together an average of 4 years prior to marriage. The average time dating is 1.4 yrs., move in together and get engaged about 1.8 yrs. later, and then plan the wedding. Interesting, huh? We are past the 1.4 yrs. of dating, but on hold for moving forward. I am okay with that, now. MY how things change!

Thank you for posting. I appreciate your words and sharing of experiences. It gives me hope and makes me smile even with wet eyes. Congrats!

My new "stuff". A statement I thought benign lead to a discussion of our relationship pace. NG indicated in it that he believes I base our "pace" on my 20 plus marriage. Yup, I likely do. I told him I would "back off" then, as my 28 yr. old time with DH is the only relationship I had, so I know no different. He quickly responded he did not wish for me to "back off" in any manner. But that he thought I would likely understand him better and his responsibilities if I was divorced vs. widowed, worked full time versus part time, etc. I responded I was who I was, and he was his "story". And I did take into consideration his circumstances. We would work out, or we would not. But that I did have reasonable expectations of a relationship. He agreed my expectations were reasonable but we are not "there" yet. For some reason it was freeing to have this dialogue. Though uncomfortable, I just feel differently. I am going to keep swimming, enjoy some adult time, but attempt to let go of my preconceived notions, which is freeing.

Yes, I assume the worst but not about everyone else so much as myself. It is irrational. My DH died in a car accident, and I have this sense of a foreshortened future. Getting sick and not being able to care my child is my biggest fear. And I worry about every pain or medical test. It is not logical. I can talk myself out of it most of the time, but it is great anxiety. My innocence is gone for sure. And hearing about others sicknesses and losses can be anxiety provoking. Can't always read on this board and stay clear of some threads. Just how it is.

Bunny, Thanks for sharing about that. I find myself missing my LH with all the complications of the NG and our process of learning to manage things, like a fight/fuss. It was so easy due to trust and knowing we would get through it with LH. I wish I didn't go back to LH so much in my thoughts as it doesn't help me at all. Oh well. That is where I am. Hot then cold. Spent every night with NG for Labor DAy weekend. Had MIL come visit at the new house. She is moving next Friday back to her family, her HOME, she has always called it. Passively/aggressively posted on FB that she is moving because I moved with her grandson. LET IT GO, Tybec! Now, this week, no contact face to face. Busy. Work, other activities. NG volunteers for the VFW now one night a week, is a cub scout pack leader, so that is one night a week, has his kids one night a week every other week. Unbelievable we can be together so much and then, poof, gone. I start a small group next week on one of his busy nights to get out, meet folks and learn. My child is likely to get rolling soon, too, as school has been in a month and he is signing up for activities. I guess it is just the way it is. I told him I need a night away, a B & B, something where we don't have to get up and do anything if we don't want. He acknowledged it but when? Patience.....

Update: NG had meeting with his attorney. He had Father's rights meeting a couple weeks ago and had a national speaker on parents' right come and speak and a local representative that helped with passing the new legislature about presumptive custody at separation. So, the state is slowly moving into the year 2017. He is working vigorously on his course. He will likely be held in contempt, but not go to jail for 6 months for keeping his kids overnight. Pay court costs, fine, maybe. I understand his needs/desires. I am dealing with my mother in hospice. She is declining, so I am there as frequently as I can be. My great interview for the job came to an end. Conflict of interest. I knew it was highly likely but thought working out of town may make it an option, but as the owner works with NG's son, and therefore, his ex, she doesn't want to even acknowledge we ever spoke. I understand. I wish I didn't like her, though. But she was great. I had looked her up last summer when NG's ex chose her as a therapist, and so I knew her background. Anyhow. I am supportive. l listen. But I do feel like I am left out to fend for myself. He asks about me, how I am coping with my mom, but doesn't have any follow through. Provides an ear but not much else. He took off early this week for his kids, his meeting with the attorney. He has never done anything like that for me. So, just let it go? Accept it? We are going on 1 and 1/2 yrs. I hate feeling so much like I can't depend on him. My LH and I were so intertwined, we were a team, a given. When my father was dying, I called my LH and told him I was packing up to leave to go and he begged me to wait so he could go with me, so I would not be alone, and he loved my dad. Can me and NG get there? Or is this the reality of his situation and blending ?

Oh, Bunny! This is so part of of widowhood. 5 yr. 8 months. I get it. Thanks for sharing this.

I am happy to have moved. Love my new house. My kid's new school is great! I like so much about it. So much more to do on the weekends! But then, there are those moments. Moments of tears of NO ONE knows me. No one knows who I was and what made me who I am. Lonely, standing in a room full of folks, like at church. My identity formed with LH. It is part of me and always will be. So, tears about life is new, but my past is just that. Past. It is such a mind field of emotions. I know it will get better, but wow. I know many of you have done this already. Glad to know it.

It is just hard. Hot then cold. Or warm then cool. It is so complicated if you coupled up young and "naive" and now the many facets of remarriage, recoupling, kids, loss. NG and I are having conversations. I have talked about what are some things that are acceptable and not, and what I want. I have been open about accepting it is what it is. I have shared I will remove myself if I cannot be supportive of his quest for his children. I have shared about I will not wait for years either. It is wonderful then not, and then everything and then all questionable. I am old enough now to not just have romantic notions. Love is not enough contrary to the songs that say otherwise. I admire those that remarry or commit to long term. You figure out somehow to not overthink it all, I guess. Working on that.

This divorce stuff. I don't know what to do but stand back and watch and listen. NG had kids for his weekly 2 hour dinner night since he does not get them this weekend. Yeah, it is sad the limited time he gets. His ex didn't arrive at the allotted time to pick them up. So, he took them home and text her he would keep them and drop them off at school tomorrow. (200 yrds. walk, remember) He text me about it. I just hoped she would not call the cops. He said she acknowledged him with an email (documentation) but I just don't know about this choice. He is making a point, but will it help him with his goal? And the drama that it is going to create! But I am not in his shoes with someone telling me you are qualified to parent half time in the summer but not during the school time. Crazy. I am 3 weeks in my new home. Job interview went well. Just trying to relax and see how this pans out, but it is dramatic. Talk every day but haven't seen him since Sunday. Ugghhhh......

Not a dream analyst. 9 years! Long time to live without him. Is there something new going on with you with some unresolved something, so this has popped back up consistently? I have anxiety dreams. That is all I could think of. New plateau of grieving? Letting go and this is tugging you back? Regardless, it has to be difficult or distressing. So sorry. Darn subconscious!

Well, NG finally got his kids after 2 weeks. Interestingly, we did not see each other for 4 days. I just thought we would cross paths more often, but life is busy. He did invite us (son and me) to go swimming at their family club Friday after work/school. This worked out well. Then we did a cave trip Sat. with zip-lining and rappelling. I had done the zip lining as a bucket list a year after DS died. Not my favorite. So, rappelling was really out of my comfort zone, but I was willing to try. The cave thing is not my thing. Underground is not where I ever want to be . Walking out left me embarrassingly out of breath. Wow! Need to set some real fitness goals. We got back to our town and me and DS came home. Exhausted. I am sure he would have liked us to stay, but we needed our space. Didn't think I would be that way, but now that I have my home, I want to be in the comfort of it. His place is perfect for him and his boys, but limited space otherwise. So, changing. Had a great interview on Friday. Can work something out with this clinician who owns a practice with 16 staff. I have more experience x 3, so she could use me in her group. Will see if we can hammer things out. How awesome is that? Independence. Not a bad thing.

Thanks for the input on contact. Communication is key. I have communicated. MY LH left for work, and I didn't get up to say good bye. I got the Sheriff at the door 1 1/2 hours later telling me he had died in a car accident. SO, for me, a voice contact is very important. It is not guaranteed as we all know here. I have shared this. It is MY thing, based on reality. Otherwise, yes, I would agree that for some, the voice contact is not necessary. He is military like my LH. He has spent a year in Iraq and suffered. I guess I would think between the two events, he would like to hear my voice, too. Learning. All is new.

Update: Moved last week. Day 5 in new house. Painter here today. So a mess for about 2 more weeks. NG had kids until Sat. night. His mother asked to take my son with the grandkids to the movies Friday, so they went. She had the idea, per NG. She brought treats as house warming gift, so she is supportive of me and NG. NG is in depression some. He is researching Father's Rights and contacting state reps. for law changes. He won't see sons for 2 weeks due to school schedule activating. He stayed Sat. night, and I talked about being in "sleep mode" with him and feeling he did not need me when he had his children as he was content. I told him it is a pattern since last summer. He agreed he is good at compartmentalizing. I told him lots of men or women would bring their kids to a friends house and help them move, and he did not He said he would have to deal with their mother in court stating he takes his kids to his GF's house and works instead of time with the kids. I said "normal" families do that, not just cater every moment to the children. He stated he would feel guilty for not being strictly for his kids. He is thinking it over now. He couldn't deny it. I basically told him we will see how things go since I am here, now. I didn't want to go with him and his kids on their Friday night excursion, too expensive and been there and done that, the county fair. DS and I went out exploring, found a great Japanese restaurant and ate. NG doesn't like Asian food. My LH was stationed in Japan a year, so he taught me how to find good Japanese food. I realized I like getting out and exploring and felt like I did in my early 20s. I can be independent and explore and meet new people, and it will be fine. I felt strong, and it was just good. So, NG has to figure out how to manage us, in the new arrangement. He loves me, and we will see. He has loved many women in his life and timing or something didn't work. I had one love, and it lasted' til death do us part. So, blending. Time will tell.