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https://johnpavlovitz.com/2015/10/31/the-day-ill-finally-stop-grieving/ I think maybe shared here before. Anyway, a nice blog.

Oh, Bunny! I don't believe in coincidences! Your song is my DH's favoriten with Allison Krause. Popular from the movie "Oh Brother Where Thou Art." and on his playlist. I posted this version TODAY on FB. My new/old friend in my new town had her nephew die this morning. He was in a job accident, 75% of his body burned, and his mother took him off life support this morning. My nephews sang this at my DH's funeral, so when I posted it today for my friend, others commented on how they will never forget this at DH's funeral, and how uplifting it is. The version I shared is of the country music couple, and Rory passed last year. So, there are so many cross overs to this song that make me smile. THANK you for sharing the thread. PS I have learned a lot on YWBB about others' beliefs and learning to understand or try to accept them versus fighting about it. It is all good.

CW, You got IT! It is hard. I know you have read my posts so I understand where you are coming from. Leadfeather, I have shared that article from that blog, too. It is good. She also wrote about how she will always love her DH and will always be his widow and now her new husband's wife. I appreciated that perspective since people want to put us in a box of "you can't move forward if you still are in love with your dead spouse." It is so much more complex. Bunny, you nailed it with the quote. Not all divorced folks, but many. We have shared on here and the old board about things divorced folks say to us. LIKE, you have it easier, yours is dead. Yeah..... WE can't change our situation anymore than they can. Just life. Trying to figure it out, also, CW..

Oh, Bunny. I understand so much of your post. My Dh would have been 51, forever 45. I know you are involved with someone new, as I am. It is so strange to have such grief and yet have moved on, right? I hope over time Fall will be beautiful again. The holidays are just hard no matter, and that is where we all are headed. DH died in Jan. So there is that time frame, the last of the last. I cry in the shower, too. I was driving home from work just yesterday, listening to music. DH was a rock DJ, and he loved all kinds of music and in 28 yrs together, it is rare to not have a memory with a song with him. I smiled, a deep memory triggered by the music. It felt so wonderful, and then the tears came, too. Oh, this life of love and loss. No words can suffix.

Thank you for sharing. I understand so much of what you wrote. I am coming up 6 yrs. It took me a long time to see God paved a path of support for me and my son. I went through anger and trust with God, but knew He could handle it. My DH worked with the youth for 16 yrs. at church. They dedicated the youth area in his name a couple yrs later. Through his years of working with other kids, taking care of other kids, I had support for me and my son. Don't get me wrong. I was angry that my DH got to be in all these other kids lives, and MY son got 8 yrs. only. That was a struggle. But over time, I saw and accepted slowly that all these relationships were set in place with his connections, and they watched over me and my son all these years. I know I am so fortunate to have that rock that grew from his servant hood. Christian songs helped me so much for grieving. On the old board, many of us posted songs that helped. I appreciate you sharing this. Yes, the healing continues......

My poor husband. People would tell my husband I was a saint. He always joked about marrying me, marrying up. I was psychology major, and he said he was my pet project for research, and he would be dumped eventually. Ha! He lived with me, a person who needed control. I needed things to be a certain way and would get anxious and just plan bitchy. He was a great husband, wonderful dad and I didn't appreciate it at all. I hear more stories of marriages now since maybe I am in the single category, and WOW. I had it so well! So, he ended up being ADHD, tested at work by a colleague around age 30. Poor man lived with me, and it was a tough combination. I chilled a lot when we had a child. Just had to. He allowed me to run the house and decorate, not really caring as long as he had a comfortable chair and bed. So, he probably lived with lots of thing he didn't care for at all. He had to deal with me and my training background. He truly was a saint at times for me. Couldn't be easy. He also opened his arms and our home to our family, and I never loved his Mother moving to our town, so he got caught in the middle often. I needed to cut him slack. My mother moved eventually to our town, and he never complained about her and her needs. Yup, looking in the mirror is not pretty all the time. I was annoying.....

Trying, Thank you for your wise words. I agree. I just need to be for a while. I do have legal things to take care of, and I start my new job in Jan., as they were willing to wait. I have 3 brothers, and I foresee some challenges in the future decisions I didn't anticipate. I have taken care of my mom for the 10 yrs she lived in my town. And now we have a family farm between us. Oh boy. I am thankful my son seems to be adapting well here. We ate lunch with a mom and kid he bunked with at camp before moving here. His friend lost his dad to cancer a few years ago, plays the same instrument in school, is on the same academic track (mom is a professor here at the regional university). I don't believe in coincidences and the fact my son befriended this teen and now we attend the same church in the same town is wonderful. Thank you again. You have wise words.

Thank you for the condolences, all. I know I not a crying mess, but grieving. I am moody and anxious. Out of sorts as not having a service at this time makes for no ending of this. I have posted the obit to be placed in the papers of her hometown, my hometown of 23 yrs. where she worked. I expect the holidays to be sad. I moved her to this new town for care in March and here we are, 8 months later, and she has died. I have lived here 3 months. NG lives here, also. We are figuring out our new lives living in the same town versus the long distance dating. We changed plans with moving in due to his circumstances with his children and custody. That has been a very good choice, to wait. Well, he has tagged me here and there on FB when we do activities together. We haven't posted a picture together yet, my decision. I have been fickle about acknowledging us as a couple on FB. Not sure why. He has said he didn't need it but would do so if I wanted. I wanted to wait until I moved here. Well, then I wanted to wait longer for some reason. Well, I brought it up a couple days of go, and he again said he would do so if I needed to have it. I, of course, did not want to publicly state that, feeling it was a bit juvenile but also wanting it some way. I know, emotional. Well, he just did it last night. I have a long list of folks making comments, congratulating us. He does as well. It is just strange, this media world. I am still feeling mixed about it. Why did I need it? Why did I not want to? But then was ambivalent. OM, these feelings.

My mother died in the wee hours Wed. morning. I had spent the night there and left late and then she passed. I am okay. It has been the long goodbye and i have been grieving for a while, years, possibly, seeing her change and deteriorate. It is odd, but her death was natural, old age, worn out body. NOT a tragedy. NG has been good with what I need. I couldn't talk to him Wed. and told him so. I needed to get things done. Two brothers ended up here to assist. And now we have a later planned service, but not planned. Just strange. I appreciate his support but listening to my needs. I am moody with him, and he gets it. Hope to have some time with him this weekend.

OH MY! You nailed so many of my thoughts/feelings! I am so glad I am not the only one. It is so emotional. I feel so moody and out of sorts about NG, having these kind of thoughts. And he dated a lot and seems to get my back and forth thoughts. But it is tiresome to him some, too. I feel ridiculous at times, like a teenager with all these thoughts, over thinking. I want to KNOW it will work, which is all about my need for control, and I can't have it. My self analysis anyway.

Congratulations! You can do this! My brother, a professor, left his tenured position for a small college that was more tuned to his research and teaching philosophies. No regrets! I left my secure job of 19 yrs. with benefits. Not a state job but state retirement from a long ago agreement. My other brother told me I was stupid. One more yr. and I would have had health care for life paid. I still have my retirement setting and get 75% of my health care paid as long as the state doesn’t belly up. But I wouldn’t change the last 3 yrs. I have had with my now teen son. The time was worth it for me. Good luck with the freedom! It will take bit to get used to it. Life is too short to be miserable.

Thanks for sharing this. I am struggling with lots, and it helps to know I am not alone. I am moody, looking extreme. From joyous to crying in the shower deeply, hiding it. I hate it. I know it will all pass. Things will settle down. Nothing stays forever in this state. The last of the lasts are here again. I am in a new home, new place, and no one knows me except what I share. It is freeing yet almost feels like a lie. Just a mess of emotions. Thanks for the brutal honesty. It helps to read it.

Well, my son is away this weekend. First time in my new home/new town to be alone. I made plans with a best friend to come for the weekend. Her husband became ill on Monday, and then she fell with it Thursday, so no girls weekend. NG had his kids, but I wanted to be independent. I contacted a school classmate that moved to this city in Nov. (no kidding!). She had made plans with a new friend. I contacted a new acquaintance as her son was on the retreat with my son. She had made plans already, too. So, took the time to regroup, spend time with mother, a bit of retail therapy, too. NG invited me over to watch a movie with him and his sons. I left my pride at the door and did so. I felt I need to be independent but not to the point of being alone on purpose when I can make a connection with him and his boys. It was okay. Trying to take good care of me and mine and still date NG. Always interesting.

Geez! So much we have to deal with. No one knows all the collateral damage we go through when our mate dies. I am very sorry you have this additional stress. Like others have stated, you figure out what works for you best. I am working on not trying to please others. It is a character flaw I have. My MIL called to tell me they moved the big Christmas family gathering from the Sat. before Christmas (usually the weekend before) to literally the Sat. before Christmas, which is the 23rd, a Sat. night before Christmas EVE! Well, that is not likely going to work for me and mine. She told me NG was invited but he didn't want to go last year when invited. And he has his kids, then. Too awkward for NG and my son stated that, too. I know MIL will be so disappointed but I can't live my life for her and them. It is just plain hard. Good luck on your decision. Happiness to your new life you are starting!

Bunny, Thank you for the serenity prayer reminder. I know it, but don't KNOW it. I will try to use it. I NEED it. My mother rallied. There is no explanation. This waiting is hard. Strange. The hospice nurse related death to like birth. We don't know how it is is going to happen. We don't have control. We may come in and go kicking and screaming or with ease. No one knows until it happens. I liked this analogy. Patience with life coming and going. My one brother went home. I am back to just waiting, trying to make plans with always knowing it could change suddenly. NG and I are just strange. I am trying to lay low and not make any major decisions. He is stressed about things and goes to court this month for contempt when he kept his kids overnight instead of returning them from his 2 hour visit when mother did not arrive and sent her parents. He is countering her with contempt as she has no flexibility and is showing no form of coparenting. I know it is weighing on him. He was so supportive last week. Not so much now. I invited him to a Halloween gathering with parents of my son's new friends. Happened to be in his neighborhood. He went but then seemed to have an attitude about it later. I didn't understand it. I am sick, catching an eye infection from my mother. I feel annoyed with it. He has not been to my home for almost 2 weeks. Boy, I just didn't envision this. We have plans to go to Thanksgiving where both our families reside. We are flying, different days, and I am staying with my family, and he with his mother and his boys. Our families live within 30 minute of each other in TX. Crazy. So, we have integrated holiday plans. Patience, patience, patience. Just breathe......

I am hooked on the new show, "This is Us." My LH would call it my crybaby show as I tend to cry each time. The show was titled "Trick and bittersweet." The show jumps back and forth to different decades of the family. So you get a little past and then present and sometimes in between times. Well, the father has died. We don't know the story, yet. But last night, the wife became a grandmother and deeply cries. She shares it is the best moment of her life since giving birth, and the saddest that her husband didn't get to share it with her. I cried big tears. It is there, always. She talks about it, also. At the very end, the mother/wife/widow is on the internet and chats with her late husband's best friend, and it leads to understanding of a later relationship with him. The kids in the show are young teens when the father dies, and they haven't shared the how, but later aged scenes leads to all them having some loss issues and how it impacted their lives and choices. Just the way it is.

I hate pics of myself. Always have. And my son has picked up on it. SO, I am taking a few selfies here and there, usually when I get my hair done. I post, and I am sure it is strange for folks to see, but I am practicing liking a pic of me. HEADSHOT. NG had me and my son at the 4th of July party his father put on, and it was big family affair. His dad hired a professional photographer. NG asked me to if I would take a pic. I was not prepared. I declined. It is a prideful thing, a bad thing. I am working on it. So, very brave of you Arneal to take the pics! Especially boot camp. I am going to hit the gym as a goal. I keep telling myself to just do it. I never thought I would have to worry about my fitness/weight, and life has a funny way of humbling you. I will set a goal.

It is the stuff of movies and great books! Take off a year and experience things and regroup, rejuvenate, relearn who you are, etc. I couldn't do it. Too many responsibilities and my personality. BUT IT REALLY SOUNDS AMAZING! If you feel it may be isolating, make a plan to stop somewhere. Do some volunteer work somewhere and make that a destination on the ride. Help some others which will help you, too. What a gift!

I am a caregiver. I am as a professional, and I am in my life. I prefer and like to be the one who helps others. I want to be the one people call, and I link them to services/people that can help them. I like to give information, the person in the know of lots of health things. I took care of my family, more than I realized. My husband had some illnesses after being in Desert Storm, unexplainable. He ended up having cancer, treatable, but rare, the 4th in his platoon to have it. Post military, so no follow up. It impacted our ability to have children. WE had a child with help, but I still seemed to take care of his needs all the while trying to get pregnant with assistance. My dad had Alzheimer's. I was the one to help my mother with care, eventually choosing a nursing home facility, being present when he required inpatient care for aggressiveness due to his dementia. I helped my mother wth all those steps of care until he passed and then her moving to my town, after she looked at my city and a brother's city to choose from. I took care of her, my toddler son and husband while I worked full time taking care of kids with abuse/trauma issues as my job. I didn't resent anything until my husband died. I liked control and NOT being the one in need. But the last almost 6 yrs. have been hard taking care of my mother with growing dementia, heart issues and being a widow with a now teen. I have given a lot. I tried to keep busy and do the things for stress I told other's to do. I think I did alright but also would crash and burn privately. I need to reinvent who I am. I am working on it. But I resent having to do it, too. I am a caregiver.......

Thank you for your input. You all made good points. I just need to breathe, handle one thing at a time as much as I can and not try to figure out things RE: NG and our relationship. I am anxious, and I have lots of loose strings right now I cannot control or tie up nicely. YA think I would get that - you can't control everything so why try? Boy, I am thick skulled in lesson learning on that one. Do what I can and let the other stuff play out. My mother is hanging on. I heard of stories like this from other folks. It is amazing that an elderly person with a damaged heart can keep going and yet, all these young folks we loved passed away despite lots of interventions in some cases. I am a Christian woman, but if one more person tells me God has a plan and it is in his timing, I think I will lose it. I hear it, but I don't need that right now. Oh, another thread topic, maybe.

Thanks, all. It has been hard. My mother is lingering. The hospice nurse was not right this time, and we are headed into another week. It is going to happen. I am sad, but not sad like losing my mate. My mom is shy of turning 89, so she has had a long and very good life. Her body is just worn out. Not the same of a loss of a relatively young spouse. This just seems natural, the way it is "supposed" to be. But waiting is tiresome. NG has been supportive. His kids were not with him, so he checked on me, went to lunch a couple times. He offered to come sit with me. I declined. I need to do that part by myself mostly. This situation has put it clearly that NG and I are at crazy different seasons of life. I do wonder about meshing things together. His kids going to the school around the corner from his house and he living in the same school district are so convenient. We are on hold. But I do wonder if it really will work. He commented that my home is mine and my sons' home and we missed the mark to make it ours. Well, that was his situation that caused that delay, not mine. And now he talks like my son has "marked his territory" and it can't be a home to us all. I didn't understand that at all. I am confused about where we are and where we going. Gosh, never expected to be in this....

My mother is dying. It is happening, slowly. I have been her POA for years, as she moved to my town 10 and half yrs. ago. I had my husband then, so it was doable. After he died, I had a mother with dementia growing, and an 8 yr. old son and full time job. My MIL was here, too, and my husband was an only child, and so I have her only grandchild. I am tired of being the caretaker. I do it for a living, my choice. But to always do it. I CAN do it, but I have 3 siblings and only one picks up the slack to help, with the farm business my mother owns. I didn't take care of my mother for her resources, but I am in a different situation now, and I do struggle with feeling I deserve more than my siblings, especially two brothers that have done NOTHING. AND I feel guilty for thinking that. My eldest brother is widowed, also, a year after me. He remarried quickly last year and it didn't work and he is divorced. He is 16 yrs. older and retired recently, and he still doesn't help much. And when he does, it is more trouble than it is worth. He is with me now, trying to help with mother, sitting at her bed to give me a break. But he hasn't offered to pay for any meal, lets me take care of everything, and allowed food to burn on the stove when I went to go pick my kid from a church activity when I told him to monitor it. High maintenance. I am dating NG. I think he appreciates I am a caregiver, but he noted that he thought about my mother passing and then having some free time, but then realizing my single older brother may end up in my care. OH MY Gosh! I can't go there. But my brother didn't have kids and is alone. What would happen if he needed assistance? Who? Oh, the widowed sister, that is who! I am in a pity party mood. I am sad, exhausted with my mother dying, and it has been 3 months. I am just venting as I am sure there are others with something similar going on.

Well, strange weekend ahead. My mother has been in hospice for several months, which I understand is common. I was called in Wednesday to come as time was nearing. She made it through the night, and here we are Friday morning. It is happening, but not as quickly as the hospice nurse thought. NG has his weekend without his kids, but I am dealing with a lot. He has called and text me often to check in and then Wed. he came after his volunteer work to just sit. My 3 brothers know, but nothing yet. I am in a new city, so know no one well. I could call my new church for support. Not ready for that. Hospice is helpful. So, he is helping with what he can. He is available. It is sad stuff. He has lost a grandfather, and that is his only major death/loss experience besides his divorce. I appreciate his support. It is strange to not have my LH to help. There was no asking, we just were a team. Rambling. I am thankful NG is supporting me. This dating stuff is odd, and I didn't know what he might do in a long sad process like this.

Well, after spending all last weekend together, nothing this week. We both have activities nightly almost with our own children. And he volunteers one night a week at the VFW. Well, I have been fine this week. I haven't worried about it and just talked briefly each day and carried on. I am not playing games, just getting used to the reality of our lives. NG has cub scout camping this weekend. He called Friday on his way to get his kids, just to chat. Asked me what we were doing for dinner, and I was at a drive thru. OK, he'd talk later but thought maybe we could have met for dinner with the kids. I text back he was welcome to come over later and let the kids play video games together. His kids are enamored with my son's knowledge of games and stuff. Calls back and says he is on his way after they pick up something for dinner. I laid low, and he sought out to see us. I have to admit it makes me smile. I told him I only have one more week left of my small group, and he commented I would be free that night then. For a while I will be free. I needed him to pursue time with us, me, not fit me in his schedule. Still, time will tell.

I am here, too, SB. Great guy, but there is so much stuff to work out with blending. It will be 2 years in March for us when we started dating. But not going to rush it now knowing more. I have a friend that is divorced twice and widowed once. Yes, strange life she has had, marrying at 16 with a baby on the way. Then her 2nd husband died. 3rd husband cheated and she left. She has had blended families or new stepparents to manage. She has seen the best and worst and warns me often to be cautious. Makes me go hmmmm.......