tybec

Today is my wedding Anniversary. Would have been 27th. NG had time to burn this week, and he swears he told me. I swear I would have remembered that! He is off today. But I made plans to do some work stuff at my new job. He saw me last night a couple hours but given he was off, he could have stayed at my place. 😑. I just don’t understand it. We are talking about it. He is volunteering tonight at a homeless shelter so staying all night. And then delivering meals in the a.m. for another organization. All very honorable things but it is the holidays and his kids at at their mom’s and here I am. He invited me to deliver meals tomorrow. He has a list of chores but states I am on the schedule. No definitive plans for NYE. We are going out tomorrow night. Last date night was November 11. We have spent time together but not an adult date. He is a very good man and great father. He talks long term. He sends me sweet memes about growing old together. I still have to see about us long term. Not sure if our ideas of how couples are will mesh. (Have I mentioned my brother is a marriage and family therapist and he and my sil do communication seminars and marriage enrichment weekends? 40 yrs together.) I wonder if this could have lead to the demise of his marriage. Good provider, volunteers, but wasn’t there for her emotionally or physically. Idk. He has text me today, asking if I am ok. That has been his Mode of Operation. Just check in. Keeping on. To a wonderful new 2018!

Woo HOO! Made it through the Big Christmas Day! Now to get through NYE! OK, not that bad. After very little contact in 3 weeks, NG had kids from winter break starting to Christmas Eve at 8. He took off time but I had to close up my work practice out of town. Scheduling conflict. WE finally got together briefly Friday, and my son taught his sons some coding with their new chrome books and robot. Sat. we went on a cave tour (still not my thing), laser tag play as his son's birthday is today. We had his birthday dinner at MY house, as I have more space, and they hadn't been here for a month. His mother made a cake, too. It turned out nice. Kids played video games for a while. We had lunch on Christmas Eve and we chose to stay home, not go to church with them. NG invited me and my son over after he dropped his kids off to their mother, Christmas Eve. He was sad, ate almost a whole package of oreos with his bourbon. YUCK. His mother flew out Christmas Day and he went to Christmas Day dinner with me and my DS at my bestie's home 1 1/2 hr away. My bestie's husband was my LH's best friend. They are very welcoming to NG. He stayed over, then , and we watched my favorite romance movie. He had shared a couple of his favorites in the time frame we have dated. Different holiday than I have ever had. It was okay. My son is dealing well as we had NO family, a first ever. NG and I had a long talk today about lots of things. He listened well, and we talked about some ideas for the new year to help with contact. I explained I felt abandoned these last 3 weeks after I told him before Thanksgiving it is a dark time for me, and my mother just died, too. He was logical, and I acknowledged what he said was true as far as time/schedule issues, but still, my feelings are important nevertheless. He stated we had a good talk about things, and it is just going to be some inconveniences. He is gearing up for court in March, and I acknowledged he is going to be moody, as well, as he preps. No great solutions, but talking. So, see where this goes. We had talked no presents, and he got me a necklace with a heart, my first present besides flowers and experiences together. So, will see what I can do We haven't had a get-a-way since Feb. That is too long. So I may plan that. The holidays. Mind fields for sure.

My LH was an only child. But he came from a huge family. They have a big gathering the Sat. before Christmas, the week before. Around 80 come usually. MIL would take our son up early and hang out and we would shop and have some grown up time. And we would pick our son up after the party and that was it. I couldn't go the first 3 years after LH died. They didn't check on us or follow through with support. Nothing. I allowed MIL to take our son as long as he wanted to go and arrange a place to pick him up mid way. It is out of state, about 3 hours. I finally went the 4th year since LH died. It was okay. Good to do but stayed with my brother. Last year, NG and I went up and took my son, but then we stayed at a cute B&B, not going. My son and and NG both said it was awkward and didn't want NG to attend. They moved it to THE Sat. before Christmas, the 23rd this year. Normally it would have been this past weekend. One aunt lost her husband after 65 yrs. of marriage and she wanted it moved, so they did. WE are not going. We are with NG and his kids that day, my new life. I know MIL is disappointed, but I want to move forward, not stay stagnant. I will take our son up after Christmas a couple days, but likely stay at my brother's.

Needy and Trying2breathe, Thanks for sharing although it is a hard situation you both are dealing with currently. My posts have been about similar things. My NG has not been to my house in 3 weeks. He has his kids currently. I went to a church service Sunday night called, "When Christmas Hurts." It was helpful to hear about the holidays being so hard, and pretending and/or isolating being our go-tos. I know all this but I am the one dealing with it now. I start a new job Jan. 2. I am going to some training as I can. I am trying to think about NEW year, and new life. Yes, the sharing of time is hard. I don't have an answer. Arneal, you hit it. I think NG is unable to emotionally manage it all, his relationships with his sons, the court pending and then me. I had been holding off on searching out new relationships, knowing the more I move away from us as a couple.....well the more I move away. I think I will have to do so for my own sanity, emulating to my son, and growth. And if our relationship continues, then it works. I feel like the garden. NG is cultivating his garden of his children and it is good. But I am the flowers wilting from no attention/nurturing. And if he can't learn to spread the care, I'll die out/not be there anymore. I don't know any other way to state that. It just is. So, NG gives his kids over to his ex on Christmas Eve and then is available! But I am hurt and lonely and feel like option C. Not sure how all that will come together. I understand the complexities. I am grieiving my mother's death from Nov. so the holiday is just a time to get through, like you said T2B.

StillWidowed, Thank you for your post. I laughed. My LH always said, "I am a GAM." And you said you were a "GAW". Funny! I didn't think benched, but yes, that is how it feels. And this ^^. I KNOW this. I know this from my husband. I know this from other married couples. I have another friend who has pointed out the same thing. I just keep holding on, waiting. It has been almost 5 months I moved here. I start a new job in Jan. I think I need to have some ducks in a row and then make a final decision? I know. Pulling off the band aid fast may be best. I just need to get a network of folks in this new town. Unless something changes, we are past the infatuation and headed for the real deal, if it is going to be the real deal. I wish when we were together it wasn't so good. I will be making big decisions in the new year. And we have done lots together. We have gone swimming many times, amusement parks, movies, hiking, caving, zip lining, rappelling, trampoline parks, concerts, and hung out together. I have seen his son in a play and in pine derby races. I have met all his family in this state and been to his hometown and he has gone to my hometown. He has met all my brothers, my mother before she passed. He has attended weddings, church meals with me. It is slowing down. Changing. Maybe that is the problem. We are in the same town and really need to decide to keep going or not. Ugghhh

StillWidowed, I read your post and that is what I don't know. NG is amazing with me. But when we are apart, it is not good for me. Christmas is here. He gets his kids this weekend. Invited me and son to go with him to his father's for the weekend, but I am going out of town Friday and will be back LATE. And we need to be back Sunday for my son's Christmas party at youth, important for making new friends since we moved 4 1/2 months ago. WE could go but I would be messing up his schedule time. And my son doesn't really want to. They are pure country testosterone males, and they are going shooting and off roading. WE have been twice and shot clay pigeons, rifles, handguns and then dove hunting. My son is not into it at all, nor is my family of males (3 brothers). I declined to go. We haven't had a date in two weeks, then. Short lunch or dinner plans and home. And with his kids home for a week, I won't have any adult time, either. 3 weeks. I live in the same town, and it is worse now! His mother comes in Sunday night and will be here a week. We will get together, but I don't expect much, honestly. I just don't know. He is still sacred with his time. He avoided bringing his kids over Sunday to play with my son on video games because he wanted to spend time with them. So, integrating our families is not happening. His kids asked to come over and he told them he wanted to be with them, not watch them play games with my kid. I would think he would be happy they enjoy spending time with my son and have a common interest. Time. Precious commodity. I know, WE all know here. But then his time with his kids is a precious commodity. Hypocritical of me to be out of joint because he has been choosing not to see me to have his time with his kids? He goes to every practice, soccer, swim, any school event, is the pack leader of his boy scouts, attends his church, etc. So, with two kids, he is locking up almost every night. Am I petty? OR {gulp} is he just not that into me? Am I lacking understanding or compassion? Or, I need more and it won't work now. Timing? I have my son all the time, of course. OH, my....

There are limits. It is good to have the meeting. Your circumstances need to be discussed, your family. I just learned something interesting. I didn't sell my home, as it fell through as the buyers didn't sell theirs and though they got a bridge loan, got scared. So, my house is sitting there, and I may rent come Jan. as it is has been empty since Aug., which is not good. Well, my benefits as survivor are based on earned income. Renting out my house is not earned income. Wow! So, I could continue to work part time at new job, keeping it under the approximate net 17,000, get my benefits and make money off of renting. This whole system of loop holes is crazy. Never did I think I would be thinking out loud of this, be in this situation. I worked full time since age 21. Survivor benefits will go away when my son turns 16. I will get his benefits until he graduates HS, which will be after his 18th birthday. I may work more and not be able to get the survivor benefits. But a friend told me, "Why? It is a gift to work pt time and take care of your son. Why not?" Well it was a costly gift, but yes. Will see. Good luck on finding out what works for you.

Arneal, I post and feel like I monopolize the board. Anyway.... Back from Thanksgiving, surviving. New town, mother's death one month today. Moody, sad, introspective. Went to hometown last week to see friend's daughter in lead of Annie. Ran into friends of my son and parents. Had dessert with friends and my son's bestie gal pal. Made me miss all the connections we left. Miss the people, not other things. NG and I are figuring out the holidays, time together. When we are together, it is really good. When we are apart, I over think it all. We have been dating for 21 months. Crazy. His circumstances are not changed. I have no idea how it will come together. I was moody and have told him so. I am fickle, then, and told him so. I joked about a dress to wear when we marry. I told him on the 6 weeks of dating I was wife material, and he knows it. He joked about my dress, stating 2028 is the yr! This is when his youngest will turn 18. It hit me wrong in my moodiness. I was upset. I went to a military dinner with him last night, and then we talked later at his home. I told him I wasn't hanging around for a decade to marry. He said he was joking. I told him he knows I know we are not promised tomorrow. He agreed. I just don't know about this late dating in life. I know I was young to date and then marry, but I had no doubts. I just KNEW and was willing to do the work. I know there was luck, grace, etc., as many start out the same way and it doesn't last. But I can't shake the feeling and thoughts that I knew what I wanted and made the commitment. He said to me, "You are not going anywhere. I am not going anywhere." So practical. Sound familiar, arneal. Rambling. Those of you that took the leap and are now under the same roof, I am inspired and amazed. Fortunate for you! I will keep giving myself time to sort through it all. New job in Jan. ! Another new thing!

A thousand times thank you! ❤️❤️❤️

Yes, you spend it all. Never save or that saved amount will go back or to another account when they are 18 to access. My tax guy had me do an estimate to use as I get spousal benefits and my son gets his and I work pt. Time. He researched it as I make a lot compared to others. He said I needed to justify both allotted amounts plus double to show I needed it but yet still pay a majority or my kid would not be my dependent but the federal government when taxes came. Not hard to show expenses. So many extras come up. T-shirt for band, $25 for bio lab fee. Camp fee. New bike as he outgrew the old one. Sports uniform. This is all above room, board, transportation. But yes, they could come look. Drives me crazy. My LH paid into it but have to justify getting it now. Another thread....

Good read. Passed it on to another widow friend. Oh, the holidays! Ya think you are handling it all so well, and then it hits. Yesterday was terrible. MY son was home sick, and it has been two years since he missed school for illness. I was decorating the tree then, to pass the time. My dear friend who is widowed 3 years lost her sister yesterday to cancer. I have been checking in, and it was close the night before. Her sister was 44 with 4 kids and an estranged husband. My dear friend had to manage it mostly, then. It brought back so much from her husband's death 3 years ago to cancer. I feel so deeply for her. My colleague's father is in hospice, and I listened to her as it has been 3 weeks of hell. She is going through what I just did with my mother. Trying to make the decisions, watching the decline, trying to handle it all. Her ex husband has been dx. with cancer, non curable and her only daughter is dealing with that. I just hurt so much more from my own and feel so deeply for others. I was glad the day passed. Today is a month for the last day I saw my mother alive. She was able to communicate she loved me, and then passed early the 8th in the wee hours of the morning. Tough.

My grandfather obtained his Master's degree in the 1920s. In a poor state with a family farm, there was not enough land to go around to make a living. He started our family pursuing professional training. My mother's side all went to college in the 1950s and so has my generation. We have MDs, PHDs, teachers, nurses, bankers, mental health professionals, accountants, veterinarians , business men, engineers, missionaries as a result. My in laws are 30 yrs. behind. But it is not pretty. My MIL was one of 8. The patriarchal system of her father led to the two favorite sons to obtain the farm land. Everyone else had to fend for themselves, and they have not lived as well or as easily. The women needed to marry, so that made it very difficult for MIL to have a child out of wedlock. My LH and one other branch went off to college and live away, making livings for our families. It was a necessity. But, yes, it changed the family structure, forever. LH only had cousins, aunts and uncles. My son then is without any siblings or first cousins except on my side. His great uncles and aunts are in their 70s now and older. My son is closer to my side even with the distance as his father's cousins' kids' kids are his age range. Just the way it went. It is a blessing to be close to your In-laws. But different dynamics change relationships for sure.

Oh, thanks Toosoon. No, I won't get rid of the pictures. But I had pictures all over my home of me and DH from wedding, engagement, family. His military plagues, framed art he chose from military days. That is the kind of stuff. I will take the pictures out of the frames and keep until it can be scanned, like you suggested. I will have a few up with my son and LH as it is his father. But there are a lot. And now I have my mother's framed pictures. She had a big one of me alone in my wedding gown as I am the only daughter. What to do with this big framed picture of me 27 years ago? Sad stuff to just pack away, but time....

How many times? Gosh, this is an endeavor. I am not a hoarder by any means, but it is never ending. I have moved, and it will be 6 yrs. in Jan. that DH died. I keep letting go. I don't know what to save for my son. Some people are about saving everything. I can't do that. I can't just store things for him to have to go through. I know I am more stressed as I have a new home, and all my mother's things, too, although we pared down in years of her things. Two rooms still a mess of boxes. Still in a quandary about the pictures. What to do with all the family pictures with DH in them? I have a NG and if we continue this path, we will be under the same roof. This is still hard for me to wrap my brain around. I have written about it before. The holidays. UGHGH!! You all know.....

Mine are not "outlaws" but they are "we will do anything for you, if you move within 10 miles of us." Nothing they said came true as far as help. I was a widow with an 8 yr. old, and my LH was an only child to a single mother. We could have used support, but not really offered unless in their territory. Apparently common. You moved away so we will be around but you come to us.... My MIL has moved back "home" and has tons of assistance now. My LH had no plan to ever move back home. Farm family. But he was no farmer.

I wasn't on line long as I started dating NG in about a month and here we are going on 2 yrs. later. Our running joke is he needed a green card or was a lonely on the road truck driver. Had my fair share of them. Good luck!

OH, communication. The holy grail. Just asked NG. Put it out on the table. We are FB official, as he did that in early Nov. He has pics he has not downloaded as I asked why he didn't post, his ex? NOPE, he says he gets to have a life, so that is not it. Just has not gotten to it. Plans for the future, yep. Talking about what we are doing for Christmas as his mother wants to know when she should plan to leave depending on our plans. So, it is coming together. I told him the holidays are rough for me and I needed contact and support. He noted it all and seems to have stepped up. I was in court Tues. for my mother's probate of her will. He would have come, but he just was off for Thanksgiving and he took the new job in April, so not a lot of time accrued. It is my insecurities. My over thinking. My trying to figure out how an almost 2 year relationship looks with 3 children involved versus a simple marriage of 21 years of high school sweethearts. Just different. As always, appreciate feedback. My guy is doing okay with me, but I do need to talk it out versus play it in my head....

Thanks, KLIM, for the response about pictures. This media stuff is ridiculous but our world. Maybe NG is being respectful or at least, doesn't want it on line and his ex use it in court in some way. He worries about all that. He did post we are in a relationship, and NO IN LAW responded to acknowledge it. But I am going on 6 years. When it is okay? Anyway..... I hate pictures, so there is that, too. Vanity. Not pretty..... Arneal, sorry for the confusing weekend you had also. It is hard, especially if dating exclusively. When it is assumed you do things together, communicate often and openly and are a COUPLE? I guess that is the communication part. Figure out what that means to you both. But I get it!

I had a lot of preconceived notions about things. I thought I would never..... fill in the blank. I wrote on the old board I would never date again. I was happy to have had a once in a lifetime love, and it was good enough for me..... Almost 2 years of dating NG. I thought I would live in the same town until my son at least graduated. I moved 4 months ago. I thought I would retire from my old job. I left at 19 yrs. and started my own practice. I thought I would always be close to the in-laws since they were ingrained into my life for almost 3 decades. Now I find it hard to make time for them, my family and now, meeting NG and his family. They never visited before DH died, so they certainly don't reach out now. I just had all these ideals, and life threw me curve balls. I have learned to punt. I AM LEARNING to stretch out my beliefs and ideas about what is okay for me. Beyond grieving. WHO is this woman? What is your "I'll NEVER....."?

Thanks for the threads on this. I was beginning to wonder what was wrong with me. Every time something wouldn't go right with NG, in my head, not between us, I jump to we are not right for each other and play the breakup plan in my head. I question if he and I are not right, if I don't get dating after 28 years, the uncertainty of life in general. I read relationship articles to give me a sense of "normalcy." NG was in security forces in the Air Force, so he gave me his linkedin account immediately to let me know he is who he is. So, it is not that. It is all the integration for lives that I don't know how to do, and then, do I WANT to? Thanksgiving was good, great and then confusing. NG and I both flew to Texas. Spent separate Thanksgiving days as his family and mine had dinner at the same time. Attempts to get together didn't work that day due to my host/family and their schedule. So, we spent two days seeing sites and that was fun. But then an opportunity came up to have dinner at my family's Sat. but he planned to meet his high school bestie out for dinner before. He didn't adjust. My family is asking if we are serious and I am saying "yes" and then he is choosing to see his long best friend instead of adjusting his schedule to meet more of my family. To be fair, he has met my 3 brothers, my mother before she died. But I have a tight little family I value though we don't see each other often anymore. So my overthinking went to we are not serious enough to meet my family. We did all these things together, and he didn't ask for pics together to post, although he posts all day about his boys. Why? Doesn't want us seen together because of the ex. That is crazy, as she has seen me with her children, now. I don't know. It is a mess of the mind for sure. Glad I am not the only one.... Hugs Arneal. This is hard.

Good question and discussion. Now I am in new relationship with NG. Holidays are to be spent with him, his family or mine. Extended family are in different states. He gets his kids limited time. We can't do it all. So, the in-laws are becoming less and less to me and my son out of necessity to see our new folks in our lives, potentially step-family. My MIL invited me and NG to the big family Christmas, but NG is not taking his kids to be with my late husband's family on his limited time, out of state, too. It is hard. If we lived close, maybe, but not the case. My mil stills calls me her daughter in law and sends me cards with that. I know it is weird for people to have me refer to her as MIL yet I am dating and unmarried. Another strange situation. I like how folks here have made it work for them. I think it is most important to do so, find a way for you. PS. When NG posted us on FB in a relationship, not ONE in-law responded. There are at least 50 on line. NOT ONE.

Umm, I assumed and that may be a mistake, but the YOU do what you want IS you and your fiance. I didn't consider it as a unilateral decision as a COUPLE is marrying, not one person. You will find a way for you and your SO to marry that fits your wants/needs.

IF I do get married again, no big wedding. Did it once, and no need to do it again. Do what you want, like TooSoon stated. Others will deal. Who wants to spend that kind of money unless you just have it? A lovely wedding celebration can be made without breaking the bank. Meaningful probably is the most important for us now. If I get married again, I hope we will go somewhere, maybe with the kids, maybe not, and we will let people know we are there getting married. Come on if you wish. I like the idea of having a reception/party/BBQ, whatever later if you want to celebrate with others.

Same story as far as I dated at age 14 and married him. No dating as an adult. I had these same thoughts. And what other options? A widowed person. So, I somewhere decided there was no perfection. Perhaps Chapter Two is more difficult and if you find and can love/commit after losing a long term soul mate, then maybe it is extraordinary on a whole new level. LOTs more warts and all. Good luck! I am here, also. Am dating a guy now going on two years, but still figuring it all out.

Getting excited for Thanksgiving. Flying (haven't flown in 5 years!) to Texas and will be with family. My back up for my son, my nephew who is only 9 yrs younger, his wife and two kids, and my brother/sil are hosting. It will be a new scene, maybe a new tradition? IDK, but excited. NG and his boys fly down the next day and stay at his mother's. We will cross paths on Friday, maybe Sat, but that may be it. And I am okay with it. I need to be with my family, and we will grieve my mother's death, as this brother was not present. We will play silly games and just be. Not stressful. NG and I went to see Guns n Roses Monday night. Not my fav, but he loved it. We didn't see each other until last night and he and his sons came for dinner and played games. I am feeling cool about it. This may be it for a while. My desire to move and be together under the same roof has subsided. I don't know what it means, but I feel better with less anxiety. So, we continue to get to know each other. Oh, he went to court Wed. And they delayed it until MARCH. So no decision about custody or any changes. He is happy to have his contempt of court lumped into the March custody review. Less focus he kept his kids overnight instead of giving them up to the maternal grandparents because mom is a career administrator educator, now. Yes, the grandparents get more time than the biological father.... So, we will date, see each, get together. No changes until after March at least, and that gives plenty of time to see how we work. We are FB official, but wedding bound, not so much. And I am relaxed...