Justin

I know there are several fans of the Brainpickings website, and here is a fantastic post: Consolation for Life?s Darkest Hours: 7 Unusual and Wonderful Books that Help Children Grieve and Make Sense of Death http://www.brainpickings.org/2015/03/23/best-childrens-books-death-grief-mourning/ I had posted the above link before, but couldn't find the post (widda brain!). Here is one more to add to the list: Mr. Gauguin?s Heart: The Beautiful and Bittersweet True Story of How Paul Gauguin Became an Artist http://www.brainpickings.org/2015/07/08/mr-gauguins-heart/?mc_cid=0bae3fff91&mc_eid=48d09ea0ed

Another easy one for those challenged in the kitchen (and passed along to me by a fellow wid): ham steaks These are pre-cut, pre-cooked and already packaged. Just browned in a skillet with some honey (yum!) and served up with some sides. (Last night they were buttered baby carrots and green beans.)

I just had my one year on the 8th, and found this was the same for me. In the couple of weeks leading up to it, I had one day I was so grief-stricken that I couldn't bear to go to work and the day after I was vomiting in the morning - which I knew was also due to the grief. The actual day itself went surprisingly well.

I had the pleasure of hosting fellow widower Melissa'sGypsy (you guys remember him!) at my home this past weekend, and we attended two days of a music festival together. A lot of music + great conversation + too much sun = a fantastic weekend! That man is one of the reasons I think I am doing relatively well, and I will always love that guy for being there for me in some very dark, early days.

Last Wednesday, July 8, marked the one-year anniversary of the death of my wife. Forgive me for not having my thoughts more organized, but I wanted to share my feelings about where I am at right now. I still miss Marsha and grieve every day, but in many ways, my life is very good. I decided to work for a few hours in the morning on the sadiversary, as DD is a teen and likes to sleep late during summer break. (I didn?t want to have a bunch of idle time during which I might overthink myself into a bad place.) Thank goodness the deacon at our church had asked if we would like to have a memorial service, because I had been trying to think of a way to honor the memory of DW without making the day all about grief. In early afternoon we had an intimate memorial service in the garden adjacent to our church. It was so nice to be with both family and church members who came together to honor Marsha?s life and fondly remember her. (In some ways, our church family has been there more for us than some of our ?actual? family.) We wept and our voices cracked, but there was a certain gentleness to our sadness. It was more of a feeling of missing and longer for her than any sort of a grief-burst. After the service, DD and I had a nice late lunch in a sit-down restaurant, drove to a regional park to spend some time and had fun walking and chatting, and then just drove around our town while we talked some more. It was good for just the two of us to spend time together, and we didn?t even actually discuss much about DW after the service. The day had been emotionally taxing, and we were ready for a break from the grief. All things considered, it had actually turned out to be a pretty good day as we memorialized Marsha and then had some quality father-daughter bonding time. I had a really rough time the day before, and a couple of other rough days in the two weeks leading up to the date. Looking back, I realized that despite my best efforts I was giving ?power to the day?, and had built it up in my mind to be something that it wasn?t. Psychologically, it felt to good to accomplish getting through through a whole year - even though nothing had really changed - it was just a trip around the sun. The trajectory of improvement was set before the anniversary, and (so far) is continuing after the day. It was important for to come here and tell you that the one-year does not have to be a terrible day. It probably won?t be easy, but it doesn?t have to suck, either. It can be a time to reflect on the life of your spouse, give thanks for him or her, and pat yourself on the back for making it a year. This post is in no way intended to invalidate those who have had terrible one-year anniversaries. I know grief is different for everyone, but I just wanted you guys to know it doesn?t have to be a rotten day.

conflicted, I became involved romantically with my chapter two love when I was only four months out - and that was after it took me a while to sort out my feelings. A little before five months, I was flying on a plane cross-country to meet her for the first time. I am now one year out, and am waiting for my daughter to complete her last year on high school, then we are moving to be with my new lady and live 1800 miles from where we do now. For me, I never once felt any guilt about having feelings for my new girl, who is also widowed and on my same timeline. I was a faithful husband that loves my wife (and still does), but she is no longer here. I was not not looking to date, but this special person came into my life and we just clicked. Being widowed is the reason that we met, but not the reason we are together. When you know it is the right person, you know.

This same thing happened to me. I was estranged from my father for about 2 or 3 years before he died, so I already a bit vigilant seeing any man in town who looked like him. For some reason, this continued after he died for awhile... I'm coming up on my one year sadiversary, and there have only been 2-3 times when I have seen someone that looked so much like Marsha that it gave me pause (once was our daughter). I found DW in our bed after she died, and I think that fact gave me much more closure than I had with my dad.

Exactly - no offense taken by me at all. Mother's Day was a tough one and to be honest I'm not really looking forward to Father's Day, either. My own dad died 2.5 years ago, so this means picking out a card for DW's dad without her.

I start my first counseling session next Tuesday. I did have several grief counseling sessions from around 2-6 months out, and feel like I am doing well with processing my grief and am now looking for some "wholistic" therapy. I need to address issues I had even more Marsha died, in particular anxiety/worry and low self-esteem. I have suffered from these all my life, but the grief has compounded them and vice-versa. I am looking to heal and be the best "Justin" I can be.

SimiRed, I have been and continue to pray for you. You are showing so much strength - keep it up, you are doing the right thing!

We all have those days where we feel like we just can't take anymore. At all. But you know what? We keep doing it because we know there will be a better day, even though it doesn't feel like it and it may not register in the conscious mind. There is a still, small voice somewhere deep inside you telling you this and it has gotten you dark times before - and will again. Please remember we are here for you, just like you are here for us.

TooSoon, as you I know I have a big move scheduled next year for me and DD to be with my Chapter 2 (well, not Atlantic-sized big - but still pretty damn far!). It all boiled down to happiness; I just am not happy away from her. I already regret the time that we have lost while being apart, and were it not for looking out for my daughter's well-being I would be long-gone from here. (She is a senior in high school and needs her support system of friends now, but is really looking forward to relocating for college.) There will be other jobs/careers. Homes can be sold remotely. Never have humans been able to communicate easier or cheaper (Skype, email, Facebook, etc.) with relatives and friends. Once I realized that only fear was holding me back, the extreme pull on my heart made the decision easy for me. I wish you all the best as you both listen to your hearts. Only you know what is best, but keep in mind that we all know too well the shortness of our time. (((Hugs)))

Keeping you in my prayers! Glad to read that your vitals are good and you are stable.

Tossed out a large curbside trash can-full of "project" junk from the basement yesterday. I came across this article today, and thought of this thread. It is a brief read: A Simple Approach to Getting Rid of Clutter http://www.elephantjournal.com/2015/05/a-simple-approach-to-getting-rid-of-clutter/?utm_source=All&utm_campaign=Daily+Moment+of+Awake+in+the+Inbox+of+Your+Mind&utm_medium=email

I recently left my 16yo daughter (only child) home alone for a long weekend while I went out of town; plus, she literally got her driver's license the day I left. It is scary leaving them home alone, but her grandparents live in town so I knew she would have help if she needed it. She only has one more year of high school, so I felt it is time she start learning some self-sufficiency and the self-confidence that it brings. I did feel a little guilt when she told me she was feeling lonely, but she went and spent the night at her grandparents and all was well. An interesting side-note: The child that I have to repeatedly ask to do chores surprised me with mopped floors, cleaned kitchen cabinets, and freshly baked muffins upon my return. It was greatly appreciated and affirmed that she could do OK on her own for a bit.

I get it. My daughter turned 16 two weeks after her mother died in July 2014. We had a small family party and tried to make the best of it (many thanks to my wife's mother for this, as I was no shape). (My wife did get to see DD drive some, as we would let her practice is a rural industrial park after hours before she got her permit.) The day that she did pass her permit test, I let her drive some and when she parked at home she immediately had a panic attack. The stress, relief, and grief hit her hard as she thought about how proud Mom would be of her. We purchased a car for her back in December, and again it really brought forth the feelings of "I wish Mom were here to see this". Tomorrow is the road test for her license, and I expect it will be an emotional day as well. We are planning on doing some travel during her birthday this year. We have talked, and even though DD never made a big deal of her own birthday, her mom always did. DD said she is really going to miss that and would rather not even be home for it this year.

I came across the link a little while ago. It looks like a helpful article: Getting Dead Loved Ones #Offline http://modernloss.com/getting-dead-loved-ones-offline-2/?utm_source=Modern+Loss&utm_campaign=c6a355338f-Modern_Loss_Our_first_newsletter_4_21_2015&utm_medium=email&utm_term=0_cfe896d00d-c6a355338f-123933909

I have a number of old dark T-shirts that started getting anti-perspirant buildup and I was ready to put them in the rag pile. I did a little research, and found that this is caused by the waxes present not being dissolved by the cooler water that most darks are washed it. So I found a few suggestions and currently use this method: Turn the shirt inside-out in a Ziploc bag. Pour ammonia directly on the armpit area, seal the bag, and leave overnight. The next morning, heat some water and pour into the bag (be careful of the fumes rushing out - they will be strong), and let it sit for a couple of minutes in a sink. Remove the shirt and wash normally. YMMV, but I have not had any noticeable fading or color shift of the fabric.

As a gun-owner, I will say that I feel exactly the same way. It is ludicrous that it is so easy to buy a firearm.

I marked my ten months on the 8th. Like you, I no longer count the weeks or get upset because it's Tuesday. DD and I both know that the 8th of each month means one more month further away from her, but my thinking has actually shifted the last two or three monthly anniversaries of her death - I can also acknowledge: "Hey! We made it another month! It may have sucked, but we did it." It's starting to become a way that I mark that I chart our perseverance. I can also again see that there is a lot of goodness and light still in the world, and am learning to laugh and love again.

We had two TV's when I was growing up (I'm 42). Always a nice color one for the living room, and a cheapie B&W that spent time in my parent's room or our kitchen. DD and I have 4 TV's but don't use them all (my room, her room, kitchen, and living room). I watch mine rarely, and usually just use my laptop. DD's TV and the one in the kitchen get the most use. It is my goal (and DD is slowly slowly coming around) to eliminate our satellite service and just have Amazon Prime and Netflix.

I came across this today

As a frugal person at heart, I have always enjoyed the various money-saving tips threads that would crop up on the old board at YWBB. Please share your tips here Here's one I used just the other day: I use vinegar in the rinse aid dispenser of my dishwasher. It seems to work just as well as Jet Dry, and is much cheaper.

I totally get this. A few months ago, I commented to a fellow wid that in some ways I now feel a freedom that I never had before. I married young, and never really developed my own adult identity on my own. I'm learning who I am now, and am pretty excited about it!

Marsha and I had to make the tough decision to keep DD away from my dad. After he and my mom divorced, he would often not show up (or show up extremely late) for scheduled visits with my teenaged brother and other reliability issues (among others). He was an recovering addict (we hoped), and was fighting some demons... It was a tough decision, but we thought it best for her not to know him rather than have her heart broken repeatedly.