Justin

This past Sunday, DD and I went to home of my wife's parents for Sunday dinner (as we do most weeks). I was talking with my wife's dad about her and our memories, and he said "I hope you never do forget about her." Now, these are good people that I love, and I was just caught off-guard by this comment. I know that he always wants his daughter to be remembered, but really, WTF? Probably the most insensitive thing is what my mother has said to me: nothing. She last called me in January to invite me out to eat for my birthday. I already had plans, and couldn't go on the night she suggested. I last saw her on Thanksgiving, even though we live in the same town.

I think this is an excellent way to honor your wife, and I was glad to read that the sign was already up. Remember to be gentle with yourself and take it easy for a few days, now.

I do, too. I try to do my best, but dammit! - sometimes you just need your Mom.

I awoke too early this morning (again) and was lying in bed, just thinking. I believe in the afterlife and that I will see her again, but it occurred to me that I will never ever feel her physical body again. No more massaging her back, feet, or calves. No more rubbing the tops of her ears. No more holding her. Ever. And then I realized I will never hear her voice again - the physical sound of air moving across her voicebox. I don't know how communication is done in Heaven, but I imagine it is something akin to to telepathy. I played a short video to hear her voice again (one of precious few) and had a good cry. I realized later in the shower that it is part of acceptance, and letting go... at least, for me.

Sorry so that your camera is unavailable, but remember: the best camera is the one that you have with you. Grab your phone, or borrow an old point-and-shoot from someone. Keep those creative juices flowing, and don't let lack of equipment get in your way. Lots of pro-photographers are publishing iPhone pictures.

Maureen, I am very sorry. I know it must be so hard, but good on you for going to his funeral. He sounds like an exceptional man.

You are quite right, no one does.... That was some of the most poetic prose I can ever recall having read. Beautiful, and brought a tear to my eye. ((((Questions))))

If you have a printer, here are some free ones to get you started coloring :-) http://www.coloring-pages-adults.com/

So sorry that you had to come find us, but glad that you did. My wife died in her sleep; she had some minor health issues, but in no way did we expect her to leave us at age 39. I am at 9.5 months out, now. I remember the initial shock starting to wear off in the second and third months, and I felt pretty crazy too: going from despair and hopelessness, to sadness, to anger and all shades between every day. Right around my third-month anniversary, my daughter and I took a long road trip and I was able to start getting a little bit of clarity - getting on the road really helped. Over the next month, the daily craziness began to ease some and I could even feel sane again for some whole days. Hang on, my friend. This storm of emotions will ease instead of battering you every single day. They will become the exception - things will get better.

This is my way of thinking, nowadays. I can't even adequately take care of my interior floors, much less a yard, gutters, trimming trees, etc.

The air in our house was feeling a bit stuffy the other day, so I kicked the heat pump fan from "auto" to "on" to circulate for a bit. I remembered to turn it back to "auto". Three days later.

Good luck! I am in the process of doing some projects to get mine ready to sell. Today's lawn-mowing excursion affirmed for me that I do not like this much lawn work. DD has one more year of high school, then we are outta here.

^ This. I am currently in long-distance relationship with another wid that I met on YWBB. When we realized that we "clicked", distance was never considered by either one of us - we knew that we would formulate a plan to bridge 1,800 miles and be together. It's not easy knowing that we are so far apart physically and separated by time zones, but we are in love and making it work because we know that each other is the "one" for us. Currently counting down the 18 days to see her again... Hang in there Riggers! When he's the right one, you will know.

Listening to The Verve this morning, and this song about second beginnings has just stuck with me all day. The Verve "This Time": Check out the lyrics here: http://www.metrolyrics.com/this-time-lyrics-the-verve.html

Thank you all. I really appreciate your well wishes and views. Rob: I also have that ongoing pain that hits really quickly. As someone else wrote, it's almost like the sharp pain from an old injury that makes you wince and then goes away. WifeLess: Thank you for your perspective, and you are absolutely right. This cycle started late last week, and hit me really hard on Saturday. I was doing yard work, and realized that she would never again come outside to check on me (making sure that I was overdoing it), or bring me something cool to drink. (DD means well, but cannot fill that void - nor should she.) My wife enjoyed spring so much, the blooming flowers and trees here in Kentucky have brought back many thoughts of her. On a positive note, I really started pulling out of the mire yesterday and actually had a really good day and today is pretty good, too. Amor: ((hugs)) to you. Hold on, you are strong and know you can ride this out to some peace again. All, I should also mention that I have learned that I must absolutely stay away from alcohol when I am sad. I had a bad night last Saturday and drank too much. This has happened a few times since the death of my wife, and I never intentionally set out to become intoxicated but I still end up there. It temporarily causes me to forget but makes things so much worse by causing me to feel depressed the next day and making the grief worse. Not to mention making me act like a jerk to people I care about.

The last week has been tough, another cycle of grief after actually feeling pretty good for a while. I noticed that I was about two days into this spiral before recognizing it as grief, and this has also happened the last couple of times that I have been hit. I say "hit", but I have noticed that the grief for me now is less like a wave, and more like a rising tide that lifts me off of my feet - coming in so gradually that I don't notice until it is chest high. Anyone can have a bad day or two, not even related to grieving, right? I am guilty of becoming complacent; not that I arrogantly thought the usual 9-10 month crash would not affect me, it was more like I was when you start recovering from a cold and forget to take your antibiotics. I had started feeling better and have been neglecting to sit in my grief and process it. When it did come around, I subconsciously pushed it away. If I can't see the rough patches coming on, I'm going to need to do a much better job of being pro-active rather than reactive. I made the mistake early on of pushing myself too hard, then pulled back too far. I have probably never gotten back to the proper amount of facing the grief head-on and am working on that. I also have to say I wasn't really able to come to this conclusion myself. Long talks with another wid friend helped me sort this out - perspective over my own situation seems in short supply. Have any of you experienced this same change in the way your grief affects you when it really comes on around this stage in your timeline?

I was glad to read this, as I hadn't really thought about it as helping with anxiety. I am finding now (at 9.5 months) that some of my old traits, such as anxiety, are coming back as the grief wanes a bit.

So sorry, injo. Sending you good thoughts

Way to go! I have a lot of stuff I am need to do this spring & summer, but haven't really started yet. (I haven't swept my floor in months, BTW)

I feel you. Spring has been tough - every time I see a new bloom, I think about how excited Marsha would get. She loved flowers and springtime. Add on top of that my mom flaked on taking my daughter out to eat yesterday, I wasn't able to be there for a friend yesterday that really needed me, and I have been fighting off a migraine since 4am this morning. So, I sit in my office with the door shut - my coworkers either think I am having a bad day, or being super-productive. They probably know it is the former...

I used to be more resistant to change, then my world blew apart when my wife died. Change is still scary for me, but I am learning to embrace it whole-heartedly as it is one of the only things that helps with the healing. Les Jupes - "Everything Will Change"

Helen, I wish I could add something to help, other than to say I have some of the same feelings you do. I still believe in God as the Creator of the universe, but somehow now view Him as being "hands-off". I'm not really sure that He intervenes in the daily lives of us on a regular basis. I hope that I am wrong, but that I how I reconcile the fact that He allowed my wife to die. I haven't been attending church on a regular basis since that day, last July. At first, it was emotionally sapping to be there and not have Marsha by my side. Now, I just can't "feel" it - the communion with God. I know the problem must be with me but I am not sure how to fix it. I think a temporary change to another church may allow me to put aside some of my own associations between my church and my wife, and help me to focus on worship. I recently spoke with another wid who recently left his church because he couldn't think of anyone or anything other than his wife while there. These days, I am just taking a little bit of a break from God. But I miss Him, too - the God I thought I once knew.

Absolutely. Some days, it feels as if it is all you can do to take care of yourself - much less someone else. The fatigue gets to me, sometimes.

So glad that grilling weather is back! If your kids like fish: tuna steaks. The go straight from freezer to grill (for those times when you forget to lay something out to thaw) and cook in less than 10 minutes. We had these two nights ago with some Near East-brand rice pilaf, carrots, and green beans. My daughter actually wants her tuna "plain", as opposed to marinated - Yay!!!

My daughter and I got to see them for the first time in Louisville, back in February. Terrific show and they played for a solid 2.5 hours! My wife was a big fan, and so is DD. It was both very moving and very healing, especially for my daughter. They closed with "Songbird" - just Christine on piano and Lindsey on acoustic guitar, and she couldn't hold back the tears. Marsha had never seen them in concert, either, and it felt like she was there with us.