Trying

Sending you hugs today as you reflect on the past and look towards the future. I think it's wonderful that you have a new happy event to celebrate on a day that has been associated with such sadness. Not sure your beliefs on these things but I feel like somethings can't be coincidence.

Hugs to you on this difficult day, I hope memories of happier times together can push aside the memory of that last awful day.

Captains wife, as someone who is recently cohabitating I can relate to all of your concerns. I am definitely set in my ways and fiancé lived as a bachelor until age 47 except for a few short married years. I worried about him not only sharing space and routines with me but with my 3 kids full time and his 2 parttime. We have definitely had some adjustments and compromises to make but honestly it is really nice to have another adult in the house to talk to, to eat dinner with, to share chores with and to fall asleep next to. 2 years of dating and then a few months of gradual "sleep overs" helped us but we didn't face any big decision of location. His kids go to school in my town and he lived one town away so moving in with me was not a logistical issue. Glad to hear things are going well!

The other day I was looking for some paperwork for my son and came across a box of cards and letters from DH during our dating years. We dated 5 years before being married for 20 and now he's been gone 3 1/2 years. The letters were sweet and brought back a younger, more vulnerable, less confident, and more expressive man than who DH grew up to be in our time together. At 21 years old he talked about wanting to marry me and have children together and dreamed of the life we eventually had together. The exception would be the parts about growing old together. One card in particular, a 4 month dating anniversary card, he was pretty mushy and he signed it with a pet name I had for him (not a very macho one) and then added "don't ever show this to our children". So... of course I did! Such a sweet find from what seems like another lifetime.

I didn't change my "widow" status on FB until I was engaged. My very close family and friends "liked" it or commented, and people who are not at all close were very happy but certain family and friends never commented on FB or in person. At 47 the whole FB thing is just a bizarre new reality that leaves more questions than answers about where people stand in their opinions about our personal lives and whether or not I care about their opinion.

That myth "it will get better every day" sets us up for failure. Yes it will get easier over time but there will also be times when it hits much, much harder along the way. In the first year especially there were times when the reality that this was really forever would drop me to my knees. The daily fight against grief and trying to survive can be exhausting and sometimes I would need to just give into the grief and take a break from being strong and soldiering on. I'm sorry you are having a hard time right now, be gentle with yourself and know that this is all part of the process.

I totally get how you and your son feel. In those new situations when it comes to my kids I have a strong need to make sure people know that their Dad did not choose to not be around. Can you maybe just send an email to the coach explaining the situation? In general I think teachers and coaches appreciate knowing about our kids home situations.

ISFG here. As far as my grieving goes, my personality has caused me to isolate myself. I don't open up to people easily and constantly feel like I'm being judged for how my children and I are handling our grief and rebuilding our lives. Other people's emotions and moods effect me greatly and can drain me. I think that's what makes this forum a comfortable place for me, I can be more open here than with friends and family in real life.

I am so sorry things didn't work out for you and that you are hurting. I know how hard it is to open yourself to someone and take a risk with your heart. If you feel that no contact is better for you it's ok to change your mind. Do what you need to do the heal from this. He may seem like the right guy in many ways but these issues with his ex likely won't change as long as they have children together and that does not sound like a situation you need to be a part of. Big hugs to you.

I fell into the guilt trap in the early (and not so early) days of my chapter 2 relationship. DH and I were together 25 years and married 20 years and while we had a great partnership in many ways there were some things lacking in our relationship. When NG started filling in those areas that were lacking I felt a sense of guilt and sometimes anger. Guilt for being happier in certain aspects of my new relationship while still deeply missing the overall package of my marriage to DH and the unique and special person he was. I was angry that DH and I didn't work harder to fix the areas we were not connecting well in and felt that we wasted the time we had together not focusing more attention on our relationship. Now I am engaged and the guilt pops up less often. Fiancé is the right man for me right now and DH was the right man for me for 25 years (and would've been for much longer if we were given that option). I didn't ask to be in the situation I am in and I think DH would be happy that I am not alone and that I am loved. As for the anger, I have let that go. I approached my chapter 2 with all of the experiences of love and loss from my life with DH and I think all of that contributed to the type of partner I am this time around and what my priorities are in a relationship.

The happy moments are sometimes the hardest.

I understand completely, hope the cloud passes and brighter days are ahead.

Well ouch! I think it is very tough to honor a lost love while respecting a current love but it can be done with a little more tact than your guy showed. I'm sorry you had to read that. Did you talk to him about how it made you feel? Since I have been in a committed relationship I post less often on FB about DH and avoid pictures of us as a couple and would not proclaim that "the world was once a better place", that seems very insensitive. Loving a widow/er definitely has unique challenges and as I expect my fiancé to respect that memories of my DH need to still be a part of my family he also has a right to expect me to honor our present relationship.

Rob my heart is with you and your daughter. It is so difficult to see them struggle and to know that our love and faith in them is not enough to make it all better but I try to hold the belief that it helps. Even if she can't fully recognize it right now, she knows you are there for her and that you believe in her.

In our family we always tended to tease each other so I found my boys could talk about Dad when we told funny stories or even made fun of him (in a loving way). Some how that felt better than putting him on a pedestal and more real. You will find what works best for you and your children but don't stop saying her name, they need to hear it even if it's uncomfortable.

I'm glad you have made a decision, that in it's self must be a relief. I wish you nothing but happiness going forward.

Thanks for sharing your beautiful memory. Big hugs to you today and always.

Second guessing decisions can be an awful trap, I'm glad you you feel confirmation that you made the right choices and that you deserve more. Keep putting out those strong positive vibes and never settle.

Big hugs to you Maureen...

Thank you so much for sharing. I have both personal and professional experiences with Hospice and end of life situations. Both my Dad and my DH were on Hospice at home (5 years apart) and I was both of them for every minute of their last days. As a PT I was involved with Hospice cases and also nursing home end of life situations. In my experience the best thing to do is to follow the lead of the person who is dying. My Dad and my husband were so very different in what they wanted and needed and we honored each of them the best we could. The one common thing was my Dad wanted my mom and I by his side for his final breaths and my DH wanted me. Dad never admitted he was dying and never had any profound talks with my mom or any practical ones for that matter. DH on the other hand had every family member and friend visit in his final days and left nothing unsaid. With me he covered the profound and the practical to the point I wanted to stick my fingers in my ears because it was so emotional and so final. I have had patients who hang in by a thread until their family member arrives from afar to say good bye and I've had others who hang on while family sits the death vigil for 24 straight hours only to die as soon as they leave to spare them from seeing those final breaths. As heart breaking as it is for me to relive those final days with DH I am so grateful for them because he was in control as much as he could be and that was a gift I could give him.

That really sucks, poor kid! I had mono in high school and one of my sons had it twice and it definitely can take a long time to recover. Over doing can make it worse so you just have to give in to the need to rest. May be time to go back to the doctor since 3 weeks have gone by, they should be checking to make sure his spleen is not enlarged since he plays sports.

I honestly can't even wrap my head around the solo parenting job you are doing. I know a family with triplets and 2 other children, 2 parents, stay at home mom, and full time nanny when they were little. It was not easy for them and here you are doing it alone while grieving the loss of your wife. I know you are smack in the middle of it and don't have the time or energy to be reflective so I will do it for you if I may. You obviously are doing what you feel is best for your children, are a loving and dedicated Dad and the last thing you need is judgement or second guessing. I hope you continue to find support in big and small ways and drown out the negative people who have no way of understanding what you are going through. Peace and blessings on you and your children.

I can't hear the panic in your post and that you are legitimately scared and I would never try to minimize your concerns. You have a lot at stake here and so much more than just yourself to think about. MrsDan has some good points about your current position being secure but you have been frustrated by the roadblocks in your way. It really comes down to facing fears or living with regrets and which you can live with. I wish there was a way to help make this easier for you.

Such a big decision to make! I can understand your apprehension in leaving behind the security you have after suffering the loss of your husband and the security of the life you planned together. As you know, I too am a huge over thinker and fall prey to the "what ifs" more than I like to admit. In the past year and a half I have deviated from my life time practice of playing it safe and followed my gut and took some big leaps. Some times it's ok to follow your gut and your heart and let your brain take the back seat. I hope you find peace in whatever you decide to do.

In reading your post the thing that comes to my mind is that when we meet the right person, we happily make sacrifices to be with them. He may be a great guy but may not be the right one and there is nothing selfish about it. Only you can know if the relationship is worth it, if it's too soon to know then give it some more time as long as there is no immediate pressure to make a decision.