Trying

She can only talk to you and lecture you if you stalk her FB. Stop looking at it and take that power away from her. My heart goes out to you and the pain this is causing but you know that it's making it worse by looking for messages from her.

It's so hard to see our kids face more grief with all they have been through already. My heart goes out to your daughter.

Tight hugs to you NeedyToo. It's hard to go through these life events without the one person who was always there to support you and have your back. I went through a lot anger in my first year about a friendship issue. I no longer have the anger but it has left me very uncomfortable trusting other friendships now. I think our defenses are so tapped out that it makes these other losses or betrayals harder to cope with.

I'm sure this really hurts right now. There were some red flags and he made the decision so you didn't have to.

This is another reason why it's important for people to write about their experiences so that people who haven't been through it but counsel others can read and get some insight. Not that it can ever compare to going through it yourself. This can be said about addiction, abuse, eating disorders or just about anything I would imagine. I have worked for many years in physical rehab and I'm sure the same thing applies to me, never having had a physical disability myself I know I've made many DGI comments and suggestions. Also, my therapist has never lost a spouse but she nails it 9 times out of 10 and I'm sure you record is pretty great too.

I think what you are experiencing is pretty common for a professional woman turned mother, we tend to get lost in our role as mom and all of the obligations of work and home. My kids are 12,18, and 20 and I'm just getting back to figuring out what my passions are. Me neglecting myself was a product of my marriage and my personality and widowhood actually has propelled me to think about my own needs for the first time in 20 years. Don't wait as long as I did, it's not heroic and I believe that a better balance is possible in a 2 parent family. Young children make it more challenging so the time you carve out may be limited but you need to make it a priority.

I find that big decisions and happy news are a big triggers so I can understand why the job opportunity would start that grief wave. I miss having that one person who understood what things meant without me having to explain myself. You are doing well, you are surviving the unimaginable. Those good days give you a chance to catch your breath and build your strength for when the inevitable grief wave strikes. Over time they become less frequent and less strong but at 3 years I can tell you there is still the occasional wave I don't see coming that knocks me on my ass. The difference is that now I know I will eventually get back on my feet again and enjoy the walk on the beach.

Another line crossed tonight. I made him call DHs cousin on the spot and he is headed out early tomorrow morning to go work for him and hopefully to stay there. I don't want him back until he gets his head straightened out and starts taking responsibility for himself. My heart is too shattered to break any more and admitting that I can't be the one to help him has been hard. This is the opportunity that can turn things around for him, I really hope he is ready. Good thing I have an appointment with my therapist tomorrow.

Those types of comments can really strike a nerve but I think TooSoon is correct in saying that the intent is usually not malicious. I would let it slide if it was a one time comment, if it becomes a theme in the way he speaks to you then it might be a good idea to gently explain to your Dad why it is hurtful. Sometimes the people who love us the most need to convince themselves that we are alright because they feel helpless in the face of our pain. You know your Dad, remind yourself where his heart is and try not to let his words take away from his good intentions.

I am very sorry for your loss. You have found a place where people understand. I will agree with the others that these are very early days for you and while you are not "fine" you are experiencing grief in much the same way we all have. Right now you need to focus on the basics of caring for yourself and your daughter, take whatever help is offered. I know it's hard to not think about the future but try to keep your focus on the present and congratulate your self for the small victories (getting out of bed, showering, eating, taking care of your daughter). Time will soften the edges, I know it seems impossible right now but it won't always feel like this. Unfortunately there are no short cuts or ways to avoid the pain right now, you have to let yourself express your grief and also allow yourself any moments of distraction that give you a brief diversion from the pain.

imissdow it sounds like a great step in communication. I love that he said you were talking to him like a best friend, for me that's an important part of a long term relationship. I hope things keep going well and both get more comfortable sharing with each other.

I have to admit that my initial reaction to your post was "how dare he?!" Then I waited and came back to it this morning. I think it's just the term "over him" that I have a bad reaction to not necessarily the conversation in general. My NG is divorced and we spent time in the early days of our relationship discussing the differences. He had to deal with anger and resentment and hurt and try to move past that for his own sanity and for the sake of his children. It was very difficult for me to understand that level of negative feelings towards someone you loved, married and made children with. It was outside my experience but I did my best to try to understand and to respect his feelings and his struggle to do what is best for his children. I also had to take the time to explain my situation. I did not choose to end my marriage and would have happily been married another 50 years to DH if given the chance. I don't think I will ever get "over him" but I did have to make a choice to keep living despite my loss. Stories come up because I was married 20 years and my entire adult life was spent with him. My kids need to talk about him, our friends like to tell stories when we get together. From the beginning we didn't put him on a pedestal so our stories are real and not painting a picture of a perfect man who NG could never live up to. He was a great man but he was human, like all of us. I will always have family pictures up but no more "couple" pictures of me and DH. I am careful not to compare NG to him and he is secure that he is my present and my future. I think this is a conversation that all couples need to have when there was a prior marriage regardless of how it ended but it is especially delicate when there has been a death. If you feel like you can't talk about your past you will resent him. But if you care about this man you should take a critical look at your own behavior to see if you are being insensitive in any way (which you may or may not be) and also take the time to talk about your personal grief journey to help him understand and to feel more secure. I have often said it takes a very secure person to date a widow, and it's not for everyone but as the widow we have to find our balance between honoring our past and embracing our present. Sorry to go on so long, this is a tricky subject and I can only speak from my own perspective. I hope you find what works best for both of you.

I am about to hit 3 years and for a little over a year I have been setting some pretty big new goals for myself. I've done this because I think it's what is good for me not because I'm really motivated or energized about new challenges. I keep hoping that feeling will kick and while I get some glimpses of that it really is not sustainable. I end up procrastinating and everything takes far longer than it should. I guess it's a bit of the "fake till you make it" mentality I'm trying to use. I can't tell you if this approach is going to work in the long run for me or not, I'm still a work in progress. I do know that solo parenting is exhausting and can be all consuming of emotional, physical and spiritual energy and allowing myself to put some of that energy towards myself has been challenging. I realized that if I didn't start filling my own well I would end up having nothing left to give my kids. I don't know that anyone ever gets back to who they were before the loss of a spouse, a piece of us will always be missing. I hope you don't beat yourself up for the way you feel but don't give up searching for something that can ignite a small spark in you.

I'd like to say Welcome to our group but I am so sorry for the reason you need to be here. I hope you find the support here that I have from this wonderful group of people, we understand the range of emotions and the struggles you face. SVS gives very good advice, focus on the very basics of caring for yourself and try not to look too far ahead right now.

What wonderful validation for you! I'm so happy to hear she is doing well and putting in the effort with her counseling. I appreciate your message about not losing hope.

A very good read. I also believe in the importance of touch and physical connection to other people. This is part of why I went back to school for massage therapy, people with chronic or terminal illnesses often don't get enough positive touch. Being single is also a deprivation of that physical connection. Getting into a relationship early on in my widowhood left me open to some judgement and cristism that I should have taken the time to learn to be happy by myself. The truth is, I am a better version of me when I am in a healthy relationship. I can respect that this is not true for everyone but don't like the idea that it means I am weaker because I don't want to be alone. As far as your last line Portside, I think it's ridiculous. The author in no way implied that being in an unhealthy or poorly matched relationship is better than being alone.

The people who love and care about you want you to be "better" and happy because they hate to see you in pain and they feel helpless. Also, for people who haven't walked in our shoes they really just don't understand. It's not the same as losing a grandparent, a pet or even a parent. I faced all of those losses before DH died and while I thought losing my Dad was the hardest thing I could imagine, it did not compare to the grief and life altering effects of losing my DH. I think it's ok to say to people something like "thank you for your support and advice but right now my goals are a little more basic than what you are suggesting. My goals are to get out of bed, take care of the neccecities of life, and to remember to breath. Hopefully this will lay the foundation for happiness in the future but for now I am just trying to survive and grieve the best way I know how". I wish I had said this to people in those early months instead of just shutting them out. Sending you virtual ((((hugs)))).

I was at a family party yesterday, oldest son was working and not there, and DHs cousin made a wonderful offer to have DS work for him and even has an apartment next door he could stay in because they are over an hour away. It would be good hard manual work but DHs cousin is also a very smart business man and would teach him so much. I mentioned it to my son casually last night when he got home from work and will talk to him more about it today. I'm not sure if he is ready to take on such a big challenge because he has had a lot of trouble facing the extended family and feels judged and insecure but I know it would be so good for him. This particular cousin went through his own challenging times as a teen and young adult before I knew him and now he is one of the hardest working people I know. He has a beautiful wife and family and a wonderful life and could be an amazing mentor for my son if son allows him to be. Fingers crossed.

Adding my support, we all get those extra tough days. Being faced with difficult decisions without our partner by our side can be very triggering. Wishing you brighter days ahead.

This week I attended a wake for the mother of a boy my oldest son played baseball with for many years when my DH was the coach. This family was at my home for many BBQs and pool parties and 5 games a week of baseball all summer for years. This was her second marriage so her husband is step dad to her son with no kids of his own and he seemed so lost and alone. I told him that I will be here for him, especially after the initial flood of support dies down. Watching them going through the motions brought back so much. It is amazing to me how many of my 3 children's friends and classmates have lost a parent, at least 9 that I can think of. It's just not right.

Don't beat yourself up, you are only human. It does sound however like he really wants more than you want to give so it would be kind to let him know that. It sounds like you are conflicted about stringing him along when you know there is no chance of a real relationship. No judgement at all from me but I can't help but think if it was a guy stringing a woman along I would tell her to respect herself enough to find someone who wants the same thing as her. Sounds like you need a new playboy neighbor in the new hood that can scratch that itch😉

Rob I am so happy to hear about your successes with rekindling friendships. For many of us it takes going way out of our comfort zone to reach out and be honest about what we need and what we have to give in a relationship. I struggle with this so reading about your journey will hopefully inspire me.

Thank you all so much for being my sounding board and for offering me support and compassion. He did come home just a little while ago and laid out the tough love in no uncertain terms with what I expect of him. I tried to convey my compassion and love and to let him know that I believe in him and that this is the driving force for me insisting he take responsibility for his life. The pain he is in is unbearable to witness as a mother and my heart is broken. I want to fix him and make everything better like I did when he was younger but I know that I can't. I'm sad and I'm angry. My father and DH had no control over the cancer that destroyed their lives and they would've done anything to fix it if they could have. So why the hell does my son think it's ok to waste the life he is privlaged to have? That's what pisses me off. He needs to fight dammit!

With my oldest, things are worse than I imagined. A lot of you have heard my stories of his struggles, DH died 3 weeks into his senior year of high school, he had to have shoulder surgery and didn't get to finish his hishschool swim season, had many angry meltdowns and signs of depression, was on academic suspension after first semester of college and had to have another shoulder surgery ending his college swimming career. Forced him into counseling but he refused to participate. He went back last fall and failed out again, came home and dragged his feet finding a job. He worked part time until his summer lifeguarding job where he's been full time and doing well but that ends after this coming weekend. He has been pleasant to be around and helpful, no real trouble for a while, no outbursts except one at Easter, getting along with everyone. This morning I discovered he has been taking money out of an account earmarked for college expenses that he should not have access to. No explanation of where money is going. No signs he has been looking for full time employment to replace summer job, no short term or long term planning. He says no drugs other than pot and I know he's only a very rare drinker. I can't find any evidence of drugs in his room. He barely goes out except work and after work but is usually home before 10:00. I flipped out about the money this morning, the lack of positive forward planning, the need to grow up and take responsibility for his life. His response was that he knows he's a loser and screws up everything. I gave ultimatums and he chose to pack a small bag and leave. I don't know where he is or what he is going to do. I have known this was coming for a long time but dared to hope that his improved mood and responsibility of full time summer employment meant thing we're improving. I've been accused since DH died of always fearing the other shoe dropping. Well this is why, it always does. I am beside myself worrying but I know he needs to hit rock bottom if there is any hope he will change. I pray that my tough love doesn't end up with dire consequences.

I can relate very well to this. When my chapter 2 relationship started I kept it a secret for several months, only telling one friend and my sister. I waited about 6 months before telling my children and didn't feel comfortable putting it out to the world before they knew. I was very slow in introducing him to friends and family and I do not gush about him. We were together a year before I put a picture of us on FB and probably only 3 more in the year since. He was very understanding for a long time but he did eventually wonder if the privacy I was keeping was a reflection on my feelings for him. He is now very much a part of my life but I still don't find myself gushing about him to others. Maybe it's an age thing, maybe it's partly respect for my marriage to DH and the fact that I did not choose for that relationship to end. I don't like being the subject of gossip and have been very uncomfortable since DHs death with the amount of talk around town about my boys and I (not necessarily negative but feels like being judged). I'm sharing this not because I think I am a role model in any way. I think I have isolated myself too much because of my fear of judgement or pity in many aspects of widowhood. Opening myself back up to a few close friends is a goal I want to work towards. Privacy at work and on social media is very appropriate but I think I took it to the extreme among family and friends. Enjoy your relationship as it unfolds and share as much as you feel comfortable sharing. There is no instruction manual for us to follow.