Trying

I understand this completely. For me, it's May. He was diagnosed a week before our 20th anniversary, started chemo on our anniversary, and our annual Memorial Day party was everyone coming together with love and support and hope for DH when we still had some hope. It was the beginning of the end, he was gone in September.

Ruth I'm glad to hear you went and that you found some positives in the day. There are so many difficult things to face in this widowed life and whenever we can feel happiness for someone else it's a sign that our hearts are still beating.

Weddings are tough, I've only been to one since DH died and there were definitely some tears. You will have some difficult moments but hopefully you can be swept up in their happiness too. However you are feeling, don't beat yourself up about it. Tight hugs to you.

Thank you all for your support and prayers. I am headed to my mom's house today and preparing to go with her to the surgeon tomorrow. I have my notebook with my list of questions just as I did when I went through this with my Dad, my son and with DH. I'm good with researching and a plan to focus on but I have no idea how I'm going to hold myself together when I see her. I keep telling myself this is not the same as the cancer DH and my Dad had but all of the emotions are getting churned up again. I have to be strong for her and for my kids so I really appreciate being able to admit how weak I am here. Deep breaths, here we go again.

I am not in your shoes because my kids are older but I did want to share with you the love my step father had for me and me for him. He came into our lives when I was 3, my birth father didn't die but he was an ass and I broke ties with him at age 15. My step father was an incredible Dad to me. I can see why you are concerned about her clinginess interfering with the precious little time he has with his own daughter, and the need to be the center of the world is not uncommon in all 4 year olds and probably more so with an only child. I just wanted to share a positive step dad experience so if you are ever at the point with him you know it's possible for it to be wonderful. Good luck navigating these waters!

I love the way you look at the holiday as a day to remember your DW without the distractions of a regular work day. These anniversary days are hard and sometimes I think it's better to just lean into it and allow yourself to remember and to experience all that you are feeling. Tight hugs to you.

My heart goes out to you, I understand feeling like it's all too much. Keep venting and coming here for support, we can hold each other up.

I just got the news this morning that my mom has breast cancer. Fuck Cancer!!! In 2008 it took my Dad, 2013 it took Tim. I know lots of women survive breast cancer and it seems to be caught early but right now all I hear is CANCER. I can't do this again. I'm not strong enough. My kids can't do this again. FUCK!!!

TofinoMan, you're right about my 12 year old. He will be the most effected because he will live at home the longest and my boyfriend has 2 younger boys that will be with us half of the time. The older 2 have had a greater struggle with their grief and were initially very opposed to me dating so their reaction is the one I tend to worry about. I should really focus on the impact on my 12 year old more even if he seems more "go with the flow". I made some mistakes in parenting when DH was still alive. I never put my own needs first or even let anyone know I had needs. The consequence is that I'm not very good at it but I realize that there are times when my needs need to come first just like there are times when each child's needs have to come first. The other consequence is that my sons are not used to thinking of me as someone who has needs. We have all had to adjust. So, starting the conversation about our plans to get married does not come easily to me. I need to put my big girl pants on and just do it. But I would love to hear how others had that conversation.

1. I bought a used car for my son and negotiated a good deal 2. I sold our house 3. I bought a house 4. I learned how to dock our boat 5. I went back to school 6. I'm opening my own business 7. I've let some friendships slip away (not all changes are good) 8. I have yelled and cursed at service people on the phone (mostly early on and they deserved it)

Fuck CANCER!!!! Fuck the threat of cancer hitting my family again. Fuck that I know I am not strong enough to go through this again. Fuck that I no longer believe in "the odds are this is nothing to worry about" because every time I've been told that the odds were not in our favor. Fuck Fuck Fuck!!

I'm so happy to read this Jen and to hear you found someone who you think is a good fit. Being ready to invest yourself fully is the first big step. My experience with therapy is that it gets harder before it gets easier and for me also it was realizing that I came into my marriage and then into widowhood with certain issues that rose to the surface in my grief. I took a break from therapy but really need to get back to it, I needed some time to work with where she helped me get to, now I'm ready to work on the next level.

A new relationship is scary, confusing, exciting and definitely dredges up all kinds of emotions. My DH also told me he wanted me to live life to the fullest. Letting down the walls, opening up, daring to dream about the future, and being willing to risk uncertainty can be an emotional roller coaster. I had to get to the point where I felt the positives far out weighed the "what ifs". Best wishes for you in your knew relationship, enjoy her and the all of the wonderful things that come with falling in love.

My kids are 20, 18, and 12. For those of you who have followed my story you know things have been a little rocky with the older 2 accepting my relationship but everyone has settled into acceptance and are getting along well with my boyfriend and his children. We have known for a while that we want to get married but have been giving my children some time to get comfortable with the situation. It's time for me to talk to them about our plans to get engaged and I'm looking for advice. Things have been going so smoothly that I hate the idea of rocking the boat with them. I will continue to reassure them that my love for their Dad will never change and that my love for them will never change and I want to handle this in the best way possible.

Ugh, definitely time for him to go! Hope you can take some time to relax and recover when he's gone.

I was also with DH my entire adult life, 19-44, so I think it's natural he comes up in stories. I am trying to use "late husband" when speaking to people who don't know my situation but I find many times people don't really register what I said and I still end up explaining later in the conversation that he died. I think it's the age thing, people just don't expect some one my age to be a widow, they assume divorce because it's more common. As for my boyfriend, I just use Tim's name and he knows so much about him at this point in our relationship. I have always been pretty mindful about not pointing out similarities or differences but it comes up any way at times. Boyfriend luckily is not threatened by this as it is never done to make him feel less than, it usually is just in explanation to my reaction to something.

How heartbreaking this must be for you, I'm so glad he was talked down and now hopefully he can get the help he needs. You are both in my thoughts and prayers.

Congratulations! Thank you for sharing your beautiful picture.

Big hugs to you, this is a big step in so many ways. I got goose bumps reading about your daughters dream, I am a believer that they can get messages to us when we need them the most.

Wow Rob, I'm impressed with you ability to confront the awkward and uncomfortable situation and stick with the deal your daughter chose. I find the "teachable moments" much harder when it come to my kids treatment of me than of others.

Holy crap, how scary! I hope you get some answers a quick fix asap. Keep us posted

Parenting stress, professional stress, big personal changes, grief triggers. I would say you've got a full plate of emotional turmoil right now. Putting faith and hope in the future is very scary and something I am struggling with. I had dreams once, thought my entire future was planned out perfectly, but I didn't know know then what I know now. What I try to tell myself is that if I had known that Tim would die young, I still would have married him and had our kids. The only thing I might have done differently is cherished our time together more. That is my lesson for my present relationship, to try not to sweat the small stuff, to be present in the moment, to always be sure he knows how much I appreciate him and cherish our time together. That being said, I don't always live up to it and I let the craziness sneak in. Stress, fear, lack of self confidence and stubbornness still get the better of me at times. I think when you and adp are together things will balance out. Of course there will be some adjustments to work through but at least you will be facing challanges together, not just emotionally together but physically together in the same place. The most wonderful thing at the end of a stressful day is pillow talk in the arms of the one you love. I miss that.

TooSoon, I am not far enough beyond to shed light on "being better" but I can empathisize. You are in the middle of a time of great change and while much of it is positive there is a lot of unknowns which is scary. For me, the positive steps forward I take are often occompanied by emotional turmoil, weepiness and some outright craziness. What I had in the past was secure and predictable and even if it wasn't always perfect, I was comfortable there. Each step away from that comfortable past is very triggering. Sending you hugs and hoping things start to smooth out for you.

In that first year and still to a lesser extent now, I would experience a post celebration or post holiday dark funk that often left me exhausted and curled up in bed. This happened even if the event went well. Its almost impossible at 4 months to imagine that the pain lessens, but it does. The sharp edges of grief begin to soften, the dark moments become less frequent, happiness and hope start sneaking back in. But for now, survival is a good goal. Sending you hugs.

Some of mine are predictable like anniversaries, Fathers Day. Any special milestone for one of our boys or any difficult parenting moment is a sure trigger. Other triggers hit me out of no where like a song on the radio, a book or a movie. Sometimes I think these waves come along because I am struggling with something and just miss having him with me to balance me out. I hope the tide starts to turn for you.