Trying

CBB I am so sorry for the crap ton of bad things that you have had to endure. I hope things settle down with your health so you can regain some physical strength. Sending you tight hugs.

Jess I am so very sorry to hear about the loss of your dog. Our pets give us that unconditional love that we find no where else and the connection to your DH must make it an even more difficult loss. Big hugs to you.

Fuck delivery companies that say they will be here between 10:00-5:00 and call at 4:30 to say it will be after 5:00. Fuck that I didn't clean my house or pay bills while stuck here all day.

Balance seems to be the common thing we are all struggling with. I think most 2 parent families struggle with balance but for us it's that much more difficult and we are trying to do it all while grieving too. I know I should cut myself some slack but when I see my house through someone else's eyes or my kids are screwing up it makes me feel so inadequate. My ex best friend (widowed 10 years) texted me for my birthday Saturday and made a comment that "you've made so many big decisions, I'm glad to hear you're doing well". Of all people she should realize that it doesn't mean I'm doing "well" but she has serious problems and that why we are no longer friends.

Around 20 months out I decided to approach my grief with purpose and action in an attempt to create a new life and start looking forward. I was finding that trying to live the same life I had when Tim was alive was not working for me because that life was never going to be the same without him. So I moved, went back to school, am making a career change, and stopped hosting the family parties and parties with friends that we always did. For the most part I think I made good decisions. Probably Ive taken on way too much all at once. Alienating many friends by not making an effort any more has NOT been a good decision. Now I am finishing up school soon and need to start preparing to open my own practice and I'm getting ready to do some major renovations on the new house and I'm just plain exhausted. So many major decisions to make. All of this change and am I any happier? I don't really know. I keep telling myself that I will be happier when I have created a life that is just mine but none of it changes how much I miss him. I have the day off today and there is so much that needs to be done around the house but after meeting with the contractor this morning I'm shot and don't want to do anything. My house is a mess and I didn't even realize how bad until I was walking the contractor through every room to measure the windows. I'm so busy trying to distract myself with all of this big stuff that I'm not taking care of the basic every day stuff. Is it ever going to all come together? I know I'm never going to stop missing Tim but can't I have the rest of my life running smoothly? Will I ever feel like I have energy again? Will I ever be motivated again to keep up with all of the day to day stuff? I'm not sure exactly what my point is, I guess I want someone to tell me "yes Donna, you can be a normal productive person who just happens to miss her dead husband".

Enjoy a few hours of peace and quiet!

I will be finishing up Massage Therapy school on May 12th and sitting for my license exam on May 25th. Woo hoo! I'm starting to do some leg work to open up my own business. I will start with just massage and then figure out the insurance part of adding my physical therapy also.

Congratulations!!

First, take a deep breath and congratulate yourself on taking a big step and agreeing to your first, first date. I don't have a lot of experience because I only went on one first date after DH died. Since he was nice to talk to maybe you could try going on a date without the other couple and see what it's like to be alone with him, I would think the type of conversation would be different without the other other couple in the mix. You can be honest with him that this is all very new to you and if no sparks after another date you don't have to continue. As for your other questions, for me it has been possible to still be in love with DH and love another and I was definitely not ready to date when I reconnected with someone from my past but it happened any way.

I have never been photogenic and the few pictures there have been of me in the past 2 1/2 years are very depressing. I've gained weight and look so old, there is no sparkle in my eye. I'm working on the weight issue but the rest I hope will come in time.

I like that Kate! Good luck Rooshy. Definitely bring your resume and don't put down your former employer to your potential employer, that never goes over well. Practice saying all of the things you can bring to the company, that's something I have trouble doing.

Car registration fees, attorney and accountant fees, and now I pay for our medical benefits out of pocket. I had to pay some hefty taxes related to his business payout that even made my accountant lose sleep. But on the other hand, DH was the spender in our marriage so I have also found lots of ways to save.

Time is a crazy thing. It feels like I have lived a life time since Tim's diagnosis 3 years ago yet it seems like he was just here yesterday. Time has stood still in so many ways but my life has very little resemblance to the life we shared. I'm sure on the outside it looks like I have "moved on", I literally moved, went back to school, am changing careers, have a boyfriend, my kids don't look or act like they did before Tim died, I no longer spend every weekend entertaining multiple friends. But the reality is that I talk to myself every day "get up, put one foot in front of the other, remember to breath, you may not have chosen this life but this is what you've got". All I can say is I am so grateful for my "pillows", I can't imagine how lonely it would be without you.

I don't think I have any doubts that getting married is what we both want but I have trouble trusting in the future in general since Tim died. Whenever I start to feel calm, happy, optimistic, it seems like another blow hits and I feel foolish to have thought I can be truly happy again. I think this makes me guarded in general and leads me to want to be in control of everything I can. I'm working on this but it shows up in interesting ways sometimes.

I have several things still in DHs name. 2 credit cards and our cable bill among others. When I moved last summer I tried to change the cable to my name but they made it so difficult I just left it. He gets lots of mail at our new address even though he never lived here.

It is by far the hardest part, when we can't shield our children from the pain of losing a parent, to know that no matter what we do we can never be enough. I'm glad she was able to talk about it with you. Sending you both big hugs.

You are all really screwing with my delusions that in 5 months when I hit 3 years I'm going to magically be whole again. Since that's apparently not going to happen, I am happy to be another pillow for you. I hope you find a way to do something special for yourself on your birthday, you've made it to another one and that is pretty awesome.

Such great news and it's about time! Keep moving forward in your feisty way and don't give a second thought to the people who judge you, you know your truth.

Portside you are very thorough as always! I am definitely all for planning and communication and the fact that you are both on the same page makes it much easier.

NicY, I am very sorry to hear about your husband. There is no straight path in this grief journey. I think those moments of calm and hope are a gift you need to hold onto when you feel them, a chance to build up your strength for the darker moments. With time the balance changes and the positive thoughts will start to out number the more painful ones. For now, just allow yourself to feel each when they come. This your journey and there is no right or wrong way. I wish I could tell you there will be no crash, in my 2 1/2 years on this path I have had too many to count, but the underlying feeling of hope wins out more and more. Your husbands positive strength is a wonderful guiding force for you and I'm glad to hear you feel connected to him that way. Just remember he is with you in the darker times too. I hope you find the support in this group that I have, you're not alone.

Serpico I'm glad that you found what works best for you and fianc?, I don't think there is a one size fits all answer to this. I do trust in NG to be fair and caring about my children in the event that something were to happen to me. Only one of my children will be underage by the time we marry and I will change my will to have him named as guardian. The amount that will be put in trust for my kids is basically for their college expenses and whatever is left over. Once we are married the house will be ours but yes there are issues with his credit rating so my name alone will remain on the house. He doesn't have any issue with the trust being in my kids name, his life insurance will be in trust for his children. This protects each of us of in the event we are a "surviving spouse" from having to deal with disgruntled family. I wouldn't want Tim's family to come after him and he wouldn't want his ex to come after me saying the children didn't get what is due to them. i don't trust Tim's mother or his ex. It will be all spelled out the way we decide is fair together. We are both ok with this part. As far as the house now, before we are living together, I guess I need to include him more than I have. I ask his opinion and there are some things I have changed because of it but it is obvious to both of us that I am running the show and have the final say. Tim talked me into a lot of things when we built our old house, letting me have full control about decorating but not giving me much say in some of the bigger decisions and because of this I feel a need to be completely in control this time. Talking it out with all of you has helped me to see this and to realize that I am making NG feel the same way Tim made me feel. It's different because we aren't married yet but it's not how I want this relationship to be. I am going to try to involve him more directly going forward. Chapter 2 comes with baggage on both sides and for an overthinker like me it can be maddening.

Bunny I agree that there is still some kind of double standard when it comes to men and women and finances. NG is a very frugal guy who doesn't try to live beyond his means or care much about material things but even though he won't admit it, I think he is not completely ok with me being the one who owns a house. We will get past it though because his condo is way too small for us and 5 kids! kjs I sympathize with not wanting to deal with these decisions, it's uncomfortable to think about, let alone talk about! before Tim died he told me "when you remarry talk to Mike (our attorney) about how to protect the kids". Being a financial advisor he saw families torn apart over money issues because they didn't plan. So when the time comes, I will suck it up and meet with the lawyer because that's what Tim expects me to do. Funny how at the time I looked at him like he was crazy to think I would ever want to marry another man. He always was smarter than me.

Sigh... Yes it was just really bugging me yesterday. I have tried to include him in the process but it really is all driven by me and he is going along because it's what I want. I think at times he contradicts me just to see if I will actually let him have a say. I have a bad habit of becoming defensive when I'm feeling insecure about my ability to handle new situations in my efforts to prove (to myself) my independence in widowhood. I think I'm a little more pragmatic than you are Serpico but probably because my husband was a financial advisor and we talked about this before he died. When we get married there will be a certain portion protected to be passed onto my children per my husband's request. Everything else will go into the "ours" category. New guy makes a decent living so his contribution to our joint bills will be significant but he lost his house and most everything else in his divorce. He has no issue with this arrangement and we both want all of our children protected in any event. I really appreciate everyone's perspective. There are so many issues around blending families and finances and I tend to be very practical and need to plan and discuss these things so I don't just get swept up in the love and romance part (which is way more fun!). Any more blending stories to share?

Lots of good points here. We are 100% sure we want to get married, the "when" is still up in the air. The house will remain in my name only when we marry and he will help with household expenses. We are not coming into the relationship as equals financially, he got wrecked in his divorce and has child support to pay for the next 13 years also. I think part of my issue is that I am using the profits of the sale of our old house to pay for the renovations on this new (and smaller) house. I feel like I bought this house myself with the intention of these renovations and I want to see it through. The things he is questioning are mostly about the timeline and some weird issue about the garage door we can't seem to agree on. We got in an argument tonight after my meeting today with the contractor. I think he feels a little threatened that I am making the decisions for the most part and I get defensive when he points out things he thinks I haven't considered fully. The reality is that we are not married or living together yet and I'm not so willing to give up total control until we are.

Things are going really well with my chapter 2 relationship (aside from some issues with my kids accepting it). He is very caring and understanding, he supports me but isn't afraid to call me on my shit when I need it. We have fun together and tons of chemistry. We are talking about marriage but giving my kids a little more time. Here's the conflict. I moved last summer and the house I bought is a bit of a fixer upper that I chose for its location in a lakeside neighborhood. I'm getting ready to start some renovations and while I want his input(this is where we will live together) I also want to be able to do the things I had in mind when I bought it. My feeling is that once he moves in all decisions will be 50-50 but right now I am enjoying having control for the first time in my life. How much compromise should I be making now when he wont be living here for at least 6-12 more months? He is not contributing financially to the house but I do want it to be "our" home when we are married.