Trying

I just had to share a small moment that was very profound for me today for those who are BAG and for looking for hope of what the future can be. Today was the first day we put our boat on the lake that we moved across the street from last August. The move was only 20 minutes away and in the same town but as you can understand a very big decision to leave the home that DH and I shared our life in. Spending time on our boat as a family was one of Tim's greatest joys. We dreamed of retiring some day on a lake where our children would want to bring our grandchildren to visit us. That dream died with Tim but a new dream formed last spring when I found this house in a lake community. Buying a smaller home across the street from the lake made it affordable and there is a community dock and beach but no water front housing costs. Today on the boat, seeing my 3 kids smiling, feeling complete and total joy, knowing how Tim would have loved every minute of, I got teary. Not because I was sad that he isn't here but because I was so happy. I said to the kids, "we live here, this is our life" and it felt good. I know Tim was smiling down on us because we are creating a new happy place for our family, taking something we shared with him but making it our own and making new memories. I felt his presence today more than I felt his absence. I think I now understand the definition of "Beyond active grieving".

widowat33, I don't have online dating experience to back up what I am thinking so take it for what it is. I don't think most men are on an online dating site looking for a "friend". Maybe with potential dates you can just say that you are new to dating and not sure what you are looking for but would like to get to know them and see where it goes. You are under no obligation to be physical with any date but most people date to see if there is an emotional and physical connection. Dipping your toes in is very scary but can also be fun!

Helen I wish you happiness in your new home. I know how difficult it is to leave the home and many of the belongings you shared with your DH behind. For me, as hard as it was, the new home has helped me to make other positive changes in my life. I promise you that all of the memories will stay with you no matter where you go but I feel like the anchor had been pulling me under and now I can breath and am more in touch with the memories. Best of luck.

Wow, just wow. Grief is no excuse for people to act like insensitive a**holes. I'm sorry you and your parents had to go through that.

I think it's reasonable to expect that most wids will go through periods of feeling sorry for ourselves, cursing how unfair life is, getting angry thinking everyone else's life is perfect. I know I have and still sometimes do. I have seen the devestating effects when people stay stuck in this phase so I have made an effort to not dwell in that thinking. Of course it pops up occasionally, like last night when I was out with 2 good friends and they were telling stories about their families and I felt filled with jealousy and anger. I was able to keep my thoughts to myself because I recognize them for what they are but let it out in my car on the way home. I have no judgement of anyone who takes longer than another to get past this phase, we all have our own unique circumstances. I had promised Tim and myself that I would not allow his legacy to be that his death destroyed me. I'm making progress towards that promise but some days it's harder than others. There is a lot of space between bitter and happy, sometimes some where in the middle is enough of a goal.

Klim, we went through that with my Dad, he collected 45's and albums and had hundreds of each. The research involved was overwhelming and I'm sure there were more than a few collectors who got a great deal when my mom was ready to sell her her home and needed to get rid of it all. None of us had the time or energy to research each record. We did the best we could and in the end just needed to be rid of all of it so my mom could move.

SVS, that does suck. Hope you feel better soon. For me, the never ending "to do list" that was meant to be divided by 2 people and now it's all mine, that sucks!

This is a great topic, Serpico! I am not yet officially engaged but that is our plan so I am facing similar questions. The old me would say kids come first, period. This was how DH and I lived and what I felt was right at the time. We had 9 years of dating and marriage before kids to be each other's priority so it seemed that our relationship was secure enough to shift all focus to the kids. In hind site, we should have had a better balance because our relationship suffered in many ways by not making each other top priority at certain times. Fast forward to current relationship and we both started off saying "my kids are my top priority, take it or leave it". And they have been, 90% of the time. Easier for him because he shares custody so he has more free time where he doesn't have to divide attention. Now that we are talking marriage my opinion is evolving. We won't have 9 years of dating and marriage without kids to focus solely on each other, we didn't have 9 seconds, the kids were here first. I am older and wiser and realize that a good relationship needs attention on a consistent basis and all of our children can benefit from seeing a relationship that is healthy and full. So how do I balance that with parenting and providing my children with the love, attention and time they need? I'm not sure. One thing I know I need to do is that what ever I am doing and whoever I am doing it with, I need to be fully present in that moment. This is something I have struggled with since Tim died. I look forward to reading others opinions and experiences, it's an important topic.

The pain has dulled, I guess, but being at those events shines a spotlight on our loss. My middle son is graduating high school next month and I know it will be hard to sit there without Tim by my side to share in my pride, hard for my son to look up in the stands and know he isn't there, hard to take pictures with all of the complete families around us. There have been so many milestone events he has missed and they are as hard as the difficult moments he isn't here to share.

I have been feeling a bit weepy and nostalgic with memories of DH lately, not the painful kind of grief wave I still get sometimes but something different. I'm not sure if it has to do with me finishing up school and embarking on a career change or the third anniversary of his diagnosis looming. I have really taken on so many challenges since he died, things he never would have expected me to do, things I never knew I could do. I am proud of myself for a lot of it, sad that he isn't here to see it and know that I would trade in all of my personal growth to have never lost him. Things are going very well with NG and I see a more clear future for us that gives me a great deal of comfort, joy and peace. I have let go of the guilt of falling in love again and I know DH would approve. We participated as a family in our first neighborhood lake clean up and dock day in our new neighborhood yesterday. My husband was a huge volunteer organizer and the guy who could get things done, he raised our boys to pitch in and we all commented on how much he would've loved the day and how he would've been in charge. NG was with us and worked his butt off all day and it all felt so good. Then I went to DHs best friends birthday party and shared memories, a few tears, a few shots in his memory and it actually felt really good. I don't know if this mood will last but I think I am finding a balance between my sadness over the life I lost when DH died and the contentment of the life I am creating. I really miss him but I'm looking forward with excitement too. I can't share these feelings with people in my "real life", most wouldn't understand how those feelings can exist together, so thanks for listening.

Way to go Maureen! I'm distracting myself from studying for my finals right now. I've been surprised how emotional I've been with my school coming to end. New beginnings are exciting and terrifying. The adulting stuff isn't all it's cracked up to be, lol.

These first holidays and special days are so difficult, especially when they come so soon after your loss. Hold tight to your daughter, big hugs to you both.

Scotty I am sorry to hear about the loss of your wife. Keep reading and posting here, knowing you're not alone can be a comfort especially if the people in your life seem to not understand what you are going through.

Today can be difficult for so many of us. Sending big hugs to all of the moms who are doing it all alone, to all of the dads who are raising their children without their mom, and to everyone who has lost their own mom. Whatever your circumstance I hope you find some peace today.

I wish I lived closer to give you a real hug but a virtual one is the best I can do. There is no shame in struggling with your grief so put that part aside. You need to find the same compassion for yourself that you have for the rest of here when you reply to our angst. Go back to the basics, deep breathes, drink water, give yourself permission to feel whatever you're feeling. One step at at time.

My relationship with MIL has been a little strained since DH died and even more so for my older 2 boys. She has 3 living children so I don't feel total responsibility for her on holidays. Since I am not even able to see my own mother this Mother's Day I don't feel badly that I won't see her either. I did ask her and FIL to dinner tonight but she cancelled last night. I will find another time to see her. I think it's a personal choice on how you balance compassion for your spouse's parents and minimizing contact with someone who you find is toxic. Lunch on another day, a card and some flowers, a small gesture to a mom whose son is no longer here to celebrate her is a compassionate gesture. As for those feelings of anger that they are alive and your DH is not, I think most of us have had these feelings about certain people, I know I have. I would bet that most mothers would say they would rather it had been them that died than child so we can't really blame them for still being alive. Holidays and "special" days like this can just be plain hard for all of us.

I am so happy for you!! I think you have done everything to turn the darkness into light in your home and the pattern can be broken for the new couple. You have not only survived but you have thrived!

SB you have worked so hard to get your shit together and to secure a stable future for your kids and yourself so I can see where this difference in financial responsibility would make you pull back. I have dealt with my loss similarly to you. There was so much that was out of my control when I lost Tim but I can control my finances and my spending. Tim was a spender, needed the biggest and the best of everything. I don't need all of that and I'm working hard to structure my life so that money is one worry I can put towards the bottom of the list. My boyfriend has less financial security than I do but he is very frugal and I find that easier to live with than someone who earns more but makes poor choices. I don't see you as ever settling again. Keep your focus on your goals and once you are settled in I think you will be able to see if he fits into your future or not.

April, welcome to or group, the group I wish no one needed. I think you will find many people here who you can relate to. Our stories are all different and our grief journeys are different but there is always someone here who gets the different pieces of my struggles. We have other survivors of suicide here and many parents who are suddenly faced with doing it solo. Some of us had fairy tale marriages and some of us had troubled marriages. I'm not great and sharing my feelings or asking for help with my family and friends so the people here have been my life line. It sounds like you were in survival mode for a while before your husband died, I'm very sorry for everything you and your children have endured. I have 3 kids and they have been both my reason to keep moving forward and my greatest source of sadness. Their grief is by far the hardest part for me. Keep reading, keep posting, you are not alone. I think you will find that you belong here.

I find it so hard to put my complex and often conflicting feelings into words, you do a much better job. It's interesting that you talk about not missing him. I find that I miss the things he did, his role in our family, the skills and knowledge he had with things that I don't. Those things are easy to talk about, to think about. I don't allow myself much opportunity to miss who he was as a person because it's still painful so I save those thoughts for specific times. Sometimes I feel like this makes me a cold, hard person but really I think it's just my coping mechanism. Your life has changed so dramatically in these 5 years, it must seem like another lifetime for you. I hope that therapy gives you more insight although from your posts you seem to always look at things from all angles. Hugs to you as you mark a half decade.

How totally frustrating! This is an extremely stressful time for you with preparing to sell the house and I understand the need to have things looking their best and getting things done on time and done properly. I'm not sure you need to jump ship just yet, I know that when I was selling my house and moving last year everything annoyed me and I had no patience with anyone. At least he wants to help you, maybe he needs some guidance of what would actually be helpful. The good news about the lawn is that the grass will grow and hopefully all evidence of his incompetence will be gone.

I was only a caregiver to my DH for 4 months and my heart goes out to those of you who lived that role for so much longer. My husband, for the most part, was the best version of himself during his illness so I am grateful he didn't suffer longer because it obviously would have taken more of a toll over time. Of course during his illness I was the only one to witness the darkest moments and it was my privilege to do that for him on top of the caregiving. I honestly am better suited to be a caregiver during a crisis than I am to be a single parent with the day in and day out challenges. Most of the time I feel like I am treading water until the next crisis hits.

NG is coming to my next meeting with the contractor and im going to have him help me pick out the appliances. We are definitely not at 50-50 yet but I'm working towards including him more. I have never had such desire to be in control as I have now and it's funny because that's the only version of me that he knows.

I think it's not surprising that losing your mom would bring up a new wave of grief. My best, non professional advice would be to give time and space for whatever you are feeling. I'm sure caring for your mom gave you a purpose and a distraction which you have now lost in addition to losing her. Add to to that the fact that your Don should be here to comfort you while you grieve your mom. Sending you the tightest hugs.

Yes, yes and more yes! I am smack dab in the middle of a career change that doesn't make a whole lot of sense to most people in my former profession but my gut told me it's the right thing to do for many reasons. I have never, ever, been a follow your gut kinda person but I have made a few major decisions in the past year outside of my comfort zone and I don't regret any of them. I'm not going to lie and say it's not scary but I'm feeling really excited about the new challenges and the freedom it will allow me. I have taken time off of work for school and will be bringing in less income, at least initially with this change but when I look at 20 years until retirement I am certain that this is all worth it. The only question I would ask you would be does this follow with your personal goals and plans? I know you are looking at changes on that front too and I think it's important that your parenting, professional, and personal goals are all in some kind of alignment. All are important and finding a balance between each is more important than any single part. Balance is that elusive thing I am working towards hopefully. Good luck with your decisions, we over thinkers need to take a leap of faith sometimes!