Trying

I hope this separation allows you and your daughter to heal your relationship, you are obviously a very loving Dad. Be patient with yourself as you make this adjustment, I agree that it will good in the long run but I'm sure it will difficult some days. We are here to support you!

I'm sure your sister isn't laughing but I sure am! Hope you get it all back otherwise I see a shopping spree in your near future.

Donna that's awesome! And thanks for bringing back the thread, I am needing to make more short term goals because my long term goals are overwhelming me lately. This week's goals: 1. Start my nutritional program 2. Send in deposit for college for son #2 (final decision has been made) and complete all paperwork 3. Meet with contractor to get windows and siding ordered

hmmm...that's an interesting line of questioning from a 10 year old. I have all boys and a 6 year gap between #2 and #3 so I know youngest is exposed to more because of the older 2. I would keep communication open with her since she is talking. It could be a combination of some confusion/curiosity about sex in general mixed with her feelings of wanting a Dad figure. Sometimes we need cues from them to talk about sex and relationships because we assume they are too young to be thinking these things. Good luck!

I'm sorry for your loss Maureen and for your niece and nephews.

I'm sorry to hear about your mom. Be gentle with yourself in the coming days and weeks, caregiving gives you a purpose and a distraction from the emotional part to an extent, and I know with my Dad it me after I lost that purpose.

It is "just stuff" but it's a difficult step to take. I did an initial purge in the first 2 months after he died of the clothes and toiletries that were easy to give away then I had to do a big purge when we moved last year. I have 3 boys so I saved things they may want some day, coats, some clothes and way too many tools. I probably would not have done it for a long time if I hadn't moved and been forced to make quick decisions. Good luck as you go through this difficult task. You can also take pictures of things that are hard to part with and keep them on your phone, your memories will stay with you, I promise.

I would it depends on where the after party is, can you check in with the parents who are hosting to make sure they will be there and that they won't allow alcohol?

The step father point is a good one. Both NG and I know that his role will not be as a step father to the older 2 but maybe they need to hear it. Klim, you do give very good advice and you should listen to it! I like the sound of "a more fluid and less constricted existence". I hope the seeds you are planting take hold.

Thank you CW and Anniegirl. My boys are 12, 17, and 19. My relationship with the older 2 has suffered in many ways since their Dad died. We get into a good rhythm for a while and then something triggers their grief and I am often the target of their emotions. My oldest has dropped out of college and is home now and while our relationship has improved on the surface his emotional state is very tenuous. I miss our happy family life and when we have the happy periods I want to hold onto them tightly. But NG has been my rock, my joy, my hope and I don't know how I would get through my days without him. There lies my conflict, I want to start a life with him, a real partnership, but I hate rocking the boat with my kids or feeling that I am complicating their grief.

This is a topic I am still struggling with. We have now had 3 sleep overs here since January and 1 at my sister's for Easter and it has not gone over very well. I will admit I probably haven't handled it well either, I took the approach of just stating that NG is sleeping over and did not make a big discussion out of it. I'm still very torn because our goal is for us to get engaged this summer, NG to move in next fall and marry next spring. They all still feel like I am betraying their father so how is this ever going to work? I am very torn between my kids needs, my needs and NGs needs and I find it very difficult to talk to them about it because they either go on attack mode or just completely shut down. I know I give in to them too much and give them too much power over my decisions but I hate living in house with constant tension. Am I expecting too much by wanting them to accept that this relationship is permanent and moving forward?

Wow Mizpah this topic has really struck a cord with so many people for so many different reasons. I hope that seeing all of the different opinions here at least helps you to see that this is a very complicated decision for lots of people for different reasons. Your relationship was not able to evolve naturally because your circumstances caused you to fast forward to being a family before you were even sure you were completely committed to being a couple. You may have skipped some steps as a couple which may have lead to confusion on where you each stand. Of course you want to feel like your feelings and level of commitment are equal and your different communication styles leaves you feeling unsure. You love this man and you have a child together, you picked up your life and moved to be a family, so it's not a black and white decision and my heart goes out to you.

Ramping up the prayers!

(((Hugs)))

I am so sorry to hear this. Cancer just friggin sucks!

Prayers for your niece, for her surgical staff and for the family who made the decision to give the gift of life during their darkest hour. Keep us posted!

I have an issue with the idea that those of us who are faced with a struggle, the type that is long term and permanent, are supposed to rise above and be heroic without ever complaining or feeling exhausted or defeated. Your son's autism is not something to be celebrated but a chance for the rest of us to be reminded of his struggle and the struggle you face every day. It should be a reminder to the people in your life that you may need a hand or an ear or just a distraction once in a while. Are you involved with any autism groups for parents? I know several families who have suffered through divorce, one who also lost a sibling of the child with autism to cancer and are divorcing. I can't relate to being a solo parent of a child with autism but I know you are not alone and hope you have support from people who totally get it. I wish you all the best with the new business venture!

Of course it's hard and gut wrenching, you have a living breathing man you love that you are separated from, repeatedly. I am rooting for a solution for you both in the very near future. Everyone here knows all too well that life can be short and happiness needs to be savored. Big hugs to you, keep your eye on the prize!

Maybe your hamster and my hamster need to run away together and leave us the hell alone. I've been in a loop of beating myself up over a million little things this week so I can't give you advice but I can keep you company.

Fingers and toes all crossed for definitive and favorable answers. Pretending to be strong and positive has been incredibly exhausting for me which is why I thank God I have a safe place here to fall apart. We are all here from you, no need to ever pretend with us. Tight hugs.

From all of the different responses here I think that one thing is clear, everyone is different so no one rule can apply to all men or women. Often times women are "pleasers" and we think more about the other person wants or needs from us than we think about ourselves. Knowing that we attract what we put out to the world I believe it's important to figure out what type of person you are trying to attract. Are you looking for short term fun? Companionship? A lasting relationship? If it's a lasting relationship then it's important to be yourself, make your needs known, be the partner that you want to be. If it's short term fun (and sometimes that's all we really want) then you can play a little more and be up front about what you're in it for. Maybe 10 year older guy thinks that younger women expect racy texts, if you like him you can tell him that you really aren't into that but enjoy the way your face to face interactions are going. Good luck with it all!

Is this a subject the two of you can discuss without argument? Maybe if you could both calmly talk about your feelings on marriage you could understand each other with less hurt feelings. Sometimes with things like this it's hard to even articulate WHY we feel the way we do. The fact that you have changed means it's possible that he could change too but I would think that it would have to come from him and not because he feels backed into a corner in fear he might lose you (I'm not saying this is what you are doing). I'm happy to hear that you have worked through a rough patch and that things are going well. You have faced such major life changes in 5 years and deserve a little smooth sailing.

I'm probably not the right person to give advice because I am in a relationship with the first person I went on a date with after my DH died. I am in my 40's and I was worried and clueless about any rules of dating since the last first date I went on was when I was 19. My boyfriend and I talked for 2 weeks before our first date, for hours every night, so he was well aware of my situation and let me take the lead on when and how the intimate part of our relationship would progress. I even asked him to get a full STD work up before having sex with him. A good man will let you set the pace and a good man will be attracted to you for being your authentic self. Don't do anything that does not feel comfortable to you just because you think it's expected.

I have been to a medium a few times, I can't remember how soon it was the first time but it was within the first 6 months at least. The woman I went to was recommended to me after my father died so I had been to her once before. It was emotional, I cried a steady stream of silent tears while there but I did feel a sense of peace after. I think it's important to get recommendations because you don't want to be taken advantage of by someone who is not legitimate. I also had an incredible experience when I went for a massage one time, I didn't know the woman was also a medium. Half way through the massage she asked me quietly how I felt about mediums and when I said I had a good experience with one she apologized for interrupting the quiet of the massage but there was a man tapping her on the shoulder very insistent that she tell me he was there. His sister bought me the gift certificate for the massage for my birthday and she said he organized the whole thing because he knew I was under a lot of stress (I was getting ready to move) and wanted to talk to me. It was unexpected and amazing at this new spa where no one knew anything about me. my SIL bought the gift certificate on impulse and had no idea what a gift it would really turn out to be.

I'm very sorry Maureen.