Trying

Tonight NG and I are going out to dinner with DH's sister, her husband, his favorite cousin and his wife. My SIL has met him before but only in short situations and she is very supportive. It's really nice of them to want to do this but I'm feeling really anxious about it. I'm not great at being the center of attention and I feel a lot of pressure to be the one who makes the night go smoothly for everyone. NG is so awesome about the whole thing, now I just need to try and relax!

That is definitely worthy of whining, I've been known to whine for way less. I hope the weekend takes a turn for the better!

Fuck that I feel like a failure as a mom, and fuck all of my friends with their perfect children that I am too humiliated to be around.

Hugs right back to you twistedmensa. It really is so incredibly difficult to watch them wasting their lives. My son threatens to leave and live on the streets or in a shelter too. He wouldn't survive one night. DHs youngest brother has always had emotional problems, drug addiction that he has overcome more than once, lack of ambition. He is still floundering in his 40's, more than ever. DH and I always agreed that his mother did (and still does) way too much to enable him and we swore that would never be us. My son was on a great track until his dad died so I am dealing with all of this alone after 17 pretty easy years of parenting. I will not enable him the my MIL has with her son which is why I made the contract. Now I am scared to death about enforcing it but feel like I have to. I know that his self confidence would improve if he was working. I also know that working 40 hours a week for minimum wage and having to try to live off of that would be an eye opener and hopefully motivate him to obtain a skill or a degree. How do I help him to get there, to just get a damn job and be productive?

Many of you have listened to the roller coaster ride I have been on with oldest, the brief story is that he was in the first weeks of his senior year of high school when his Dad died. He had to have surgery on his shoulder and couldn't finish out the swim season his senior year, got accepted to college and joined swim team, failed out first semester and had to have surgery again. Went back this fall and failed out again. He has been dealing with depression and anger, some issues with smoking pot, when I forced him into counseling it did not go well. Since he moved back home over Christmas I made him sign a contract about timelines for taking over financial responsibilities for his car, cell phone, personal expenses and eventually rent. The issue is he is supposedly looking for full time work and still nothing other than a swim coaching/life guarding job for only about 10-15 hours a week. He can have full time job lifeguarding for the summer but that's 2 1/2 months away and only temporary. He has zero motivation, he does what I ask around the house but it's usually half assed and he does not initiate doing any chores or repairs. He will lose his cell phone and have no insurance on his car as of May 1st if he can't afford to pay. So then what? No cell phone, no car will mean he can't work. I have to stick to my side of the contract but I really thought he would step up and get a job by now. I think he is lying about all of the applications he has put in but I can't prove that. I have no idea how to help him find his motivation. He is wasting his life, throwing away his future, all of the advantages he had are being wasted and my heart is broken. I don't even recognize him any more. We raised our kids to be ambitious, hard working, educated, goal oriented , not lazy, entitled, whiny, angry. Obviously his father's death has had serious effects on him but there comes a point when you have to want to get help and want to do more. It doesn't seem like he is doing anything to try to get his life on track and he refuses any help. It is the Hardest thing to watch. Any advice? Anyone who has seen a child come through this?

I'm really sorry to hear about the bad news and the need to make new plans. Sometimes it feels like life just keeps kicking us in the teeth. As for Hillary, I think she would be the last person I would take advice from on relationships, just sayin.

How about booking a session with a licensed massage therapist? We need all kinds of touch, not just sexual. In my early widow days I had several massages just because I needed the calming connection of touch. Now I am in massage therapy school! Having someone spend an hour where the only intent is to make you feel relaxed is really wonderful not to mention they can work out any kinks in the muscles too. FYI if you have a massage school near you, you can probably get one pretty cheap. My school charges $20 for 50 minutes with us students and no tipping is allowed, a great deal!

How about offering to treat him to dinner to celebrate his birthday? I agree that a gift might be awkward. As for not trying to kiss you, he may be cautious for your sake. Is there any flirting when you're together or in between meetings on the phone or by text? He might just need some clear signals from you. I shocked myself when I started to see NG that I could even remember how to flirt. I found that part of getting to know each other very fun and exciting and making sure we had chemistry important in deciding to move forward with dating him. Glad to hear the dates are going well, have fun!

Virgo I have often said that if the single men knew about the sex drives of widows they would all be lined up at our doors! I've been with NG for almost 2 years and it continues to be just as intense, for all of the challenges he faces dating a widow at least he gets this one bonus!

Congratulations on selling the house so quickly! The packing can feel overwhelming and impossible but you will get through it. I got a huge dumpster and threw out a ton and had a flea market guy come take 2 truck fulls of stuff for Goodwill and to sell at flea market. I was downsizing so I couldn't take it all with me! Good luck!!

This time last year I was standing still, barely treading water and feeling like nothing was ever going to change. Then I made one decision and then another and another and suddenly I was changing some major things in my life. Once I made that first decision it became easier to make others and I started to be able to see a future. I feel more in control now and even though I would never have chosen to be in this situation, to have to create a life without my DH, I'm working with the cards Ive been dealt. I can't tell you why I was ready suddenly to move forward and I won't lie to you and say it's been easy or that I've crossed some finish line. I'm a work in progress. Some days I still take 2 steps backward but over all I can definitely see forward momentum. When you are ready, you will too.

Tight hugs and understanding about feeling amazed one day and worn out the next.

I agree, let it out. Talking it out can bring clarity, I've said many times that you all are cheaper and often more helpful than my therapist. I think that the unknown is very stressful and right now you have a lot of unknowns. You know you most likely be making a major move both geographically and professionally but you don't have any specific plans or timeline to focus on. I would imagine that you feel disconnected with your current situation because you have one foot out the door in many ways yet you have no clear picture about how your future is going to look. I think that once you get to the point of making concrete plans you will feel major relief. The changes will bring stress but there will be action involved and a goal to keep focused on. I'm sure there are multiple factors to consider but it sounds like you are at the point you need start taking action. Not as easy it sounds, I know.

I agree that choosing to be happy doesn't guarantee you will be, but I know for sure that refusing to allow it will guarantee you will never find it. The question is how much are we willing to risk being hurt, rejected, or disappointed? We have to be ready to take the chance and deal with the outcome. That is not always an easy decision. Some how I have become a risk taker in my widowhood in many ways that I never was. Some things have worked out well and others have not but the risks have helped me to feel alive and proactive. Not the way to go for everyone.

The bitter and the sweet. I am glad you are able to see the good things in an otherwise difficult weekend. We need to allow ourselves to feel the good too.

I hope that your wedding brings you some comfort as you face the deep pain of your loss. Having that opportunity to express your love and leave nothing left unsaid was a bright light during your darkest days. I also hope that this group also provides you a life raft during this storm as it has done for so many of us, a place where people understand the depth of pain and the complexities of grief in a life after loss.

All of the teachers and administrators are fed up with our group as well. Certain teachers are able to minimize the disruptions better than others and we have been spoken too multiple times as a class about keeping the drama outside of class. There seems to be this overwhelming sense of entitlement from the offending classmates that they should be able to behave any way they want because they pay tuition. The fact the serious students are also paying tuition and our experience is being effected doesn't seem to be of concern to them. I know that it will impair their ability to get and maintain employment and they are not open to hearing that. I have so much stress in my personal life that I would just like to go to school, learn everything I possibly can while I am there and get finished so I can work on my career. On Thursday after class I was talking and joking with a classmate in the break room before leaving and one of my teachers actually commented that she didn't realize until then that I had a personality. I had to explain that it takes every ounce of effort I have to focus in class and drown out all of the distractions, plenty of time for my personality to shine outside of class. So I guess I do come off a bit cold.

So awful for the friends and family left behind but it seems they can have some peace now together.

I think that the older we are the more important the financial aspects of a marriage become and must be discussed between the two partners. Having enough money to retire is a big factor and needs to be considered. If I remarry I will lose DHs SS which is significant but he also left a good 401K, more substantial than my own because I took 8 years off to be a full time mom. But I have another 20 years of working ahead of me to build mine up too so the SS will not be a big factor for me. If I was going to have to rely solely on SS in my retirement and a prospective spouse didn't have decent retirement savings then I could see living together and waiting until after 60 to remarry. I don't think it's cold or unromantic to think about finances. Money worries are a major stressor and a leading cause of divorce. Open discussions with a partner are important so you can be on the same page and have no resentments. Of course for some there are religious or cultural reasons that would make living together outside of marriage not an option. That's a choice but finances still should be discussed.

All of my kids are out, NG is home with his kids and I am home alone studying for a Kinesiology test. Maybe I will watch a chick flick on Netflix later. Any recommendations?

I also had the gift of similar conversations with my DH when he got the chance to tell me exactly what he wanted and nothing was left unsaid. I am glad you had that opportunity with Kenneth, a small bit of light during your darkest hours.

I'm not great at making friends either and could use some new ones so I can relate. Meet ups are a good idea because there will be people with like minded interests. Joining a gym, tennis club, bowling league or something else that is active and interests you. Our Parks and Rec department runs different adult group activities and classes.

I think it is very complicated. Age and maturity are definitely a factor, we are not who we were in our 20's and 30's. Then there is the fact that our first marriage did not end by choice, it's not something we want to forget or put behind us. My situation is a little different because I have 3 children at home and my NG has 2 little ones. They complicate our decision to marry. A year ago I didn't think I would ever remarry even though I was in love with NG. Now I do feel strongly that it is what I want but timing is the issue. I miss having a partner to share my life with, the joys, the struggles and just the day to day stuff. I want someone to come home to and I want someone who I can shower my love on. For practical reasons I want the security of knowing that someone has my best interests at heart if something were to happen to me. I am lucky that I found NG who has become my best friend, he has ignited a passion in me that I thought was long gone, he is the person I turn to first with good news or when I'm having a bad day. If you decide to marry I think you can define what it will look like with your husband to be. You can preserve your independence and your space which I personally think makes a marriage stronger and more interesting any way. I found your comment about being childless to be eye opening. My kids give me a reason and a means to keep DHs memory alive, to share stories, to have pictures around. I never thought how different it would be without them as an excuse to keep DH's memory actively in our life. I'm not sure how you can make space for those memories in your life but I think it's important that you find a way that is comfortable for you while respecting your new love. Whatever you decide I hope you have peace and clarity with your choice.

These are such difficult memories to relive but you did everything for Kenneth that he needed and wanted and more. Allowing someone the dignity of choice at the end of life is such a gift but giving that gift comes with a heavy emotional price. I hope you recover your lost files because they are important to you but I want to share a thought, maybe some memories are supposed to grow a little fuzzy over time. Sending you big hugs.

Needy too, There is a comfort in knowing other people feel similar, maybe we are all ok. Or, maybe we are all a bunch of cold fish/bitches ???