Trying

Big widda hugs.

Exactly Bunny! I am not an easy partner. I have kids who are grieving, a mother in law and friends who are not thrilled with me being in a relationship, and I don't get every other weekend without my kids to focus on adult time. There is a lot that I do offer in the relationship but I definitely have baggage.

Thanks for sharing, I agree with so much of it!

This has been the last big scary encounter and I have put it off way too long. My MIL is a challenging person and her grief has been very difficult for me to bare witness to. I love her and have always had a decent relationship with her but her relationship with DH was complicated in many ways. My FIL was great when he met NG and is very supportive of me finding love and companionship again. Everyone has tiptoed around talking to my MIL about me dating and I have avoided it completely. It has caused some strain between NG and I because I haven't been able to fully include him in my life. I want him to spend Christmas Eve with all of us so the introduction needed to happen. It was at my sons basketball game today, she knew he was going to be there so she showed up late so she wouldn't be able to sit with us, they met briefly after the game and when he shook her hand she shook her head with a look of utter disappointment. Thankfully he has a thick skin and knows that it's not about him and is willing to do whatever needs to be done. I don't want to cause her more pain than she already has but it is time that I give priority to our relationship and our future. How do others handle integrating new relationships with inlaws who are still a big part of your life?

What a mixed bag of emotions this all comes with. I think you have to just take it all in and let the feelings fall where they do, not easy when they hit at work though I am sure.

My latest thought on this is that of course I would rather be divorced from DH so that my kids still had their father. But the thought of being filled with hate and anger towards him the way some divorced people are, breaks my heart. What an awful way to live, handing your children over 50% of the time to someone you hate or don't trust. Having no control over what they are exposed to when they aren't with you. Those kind of divorces are a whole different kind of hell than our hell. I admire the people who manage to be amicable and coparent their children respectively. But for the other types, get your head out of your ass and put your kids needs ahead of your own ego and need for revenge. Just want to add, I'm not slamming NG, he is trying. Hi ex however needs a reality check.

Thank you for the timely bumping of this post, a teammate of my son committed suicide this week and has brought up some feelings in me that I am not particularly proud of. Attending a candlelight vigil at his school opened my mind and heart and Monday is the funeral. I will read this over many times in the coming days, weeks and months ahead.

Don't apologize for venting here, this is our safe place where people get it. I honestly don't know where I would be without all of you. I'm not good about sharing with friends and family in my real life because I either get pity or lack of understanding. I'm only at 2 years out and I can't imagine getting over missing him, ever. I can go about my busy day, pretty much accepting the reality of my new life and then something triggers a memory or something happens I want to share with him and it hits me. For me, it's worse when something is going on with our kids, a difficult time or some proud parent moment. When I stop and think of all he is is missing I can be overcome with sadness. I hope the days when his picture brings a smile to your face start to out number the times it brings tears.

Deb I am so sorry that your daughter is still struggling with her sleep, it must really effect all of you. My youngest is 11 now and sleep hasn't been too much of an issue for him but continues to be for me. Without sleep it seems nothing goes right. I think its good you called the counselor. I have found trying to help my children with their grief while experiencing my own the absolute hardest part. The most difficult parenting issues we will face and we are facing them without the help of our partner and a time when we are at our own personal weakest. It is way too much, way too hard. I hope the counsellor is a help to all of you.

I'm glad that new husband is understanding and gives you space at times like this. I understand the struggle you feel but I think that when we honor our love and life with our late spouse it shows our capacity to love deeply. That is something that should comfort anyone new we love.

Yes, the elusive life #3. The initial shock and horror is something I can't allow myself to remember too closely. Year 2 was about reacting to the curve balls my new widowed life was throwing at me constantly. Now that I'm in year 3 I have a pretty strong vision of what I want this next phase to look like, I'm taking steps to get there but most days it's one step forward and 2 steps back. The days when the anxiety or the total lack of motivation return I am shocked and kinda pissed off that I can still feel that way.

That was beautifully written. Thank you for sharing your perspective.

It's a big milestone when they get their license, I went through it with son #2 on my own and also bought him a car because I really needed him to have it to ease my schedule up. She should be here to share the pride and the anxiety with you.

A boy on my son's highschool football team committed suicide. We've know this boy for maybe 10 years through sports, they were not friends. From a very young age this boy had many issues, some medical, some psychological that caused him to have anger control problems and made him difficult to be around, especially on a team. DH and I had an ugly run in with the family when they were 9 because the parents thought that their sons disabilities were more important than the physical and emotional safety of the other boys, the other team and the umpires(he would use very foul language and throw bats at people among other things). My confession is that I am so relieved he didn't decide to take out others on his way out of this world. I live in the town next to Sandy Hook, CT and know all too well what can happen. I am very sorry for the pain his family is faced with but so incredibly relieved that a more wide spread trajedy didn't happen. It goes without saying that my heart breaks for his family, they have watched him suffer his whole life and I'm sure they have suffered along with him. Theirs is a pain I haven't experienced but I have great empathy for them.

Nothing I can say to change the pain you are experiencing but I want you to know you have been heard, and I know sometimes a virtual hug just isn't enough.

We built our dream home also and even though selling was the right decision and I don't regret it, it was a very emotional process. I will tell you that once the move was completed I felt a huge relief and feel lighter in a lot of ways. I wish you the best as you take this on.

One thing I have realized is that the grief of a parent and the grief of a spouse are very different things. Sometimes we have to step back and grieve separately. We grieve the person they were most recently in the intimate way only we knew them and we grieve the future we planned and dreamed for that will never happen. A parent grieves the child they bore and raised and the rose colored image they hold dear. Each deserves their place but sometimes they don't work together. I am so sorry that you had to experience that today.

Jen I just want to say that my feelings on what I am capable of handling now vs prewidow is drastically different. My DH had chronic medical issues when we met and I am a caretaker by nature so I never thought twice about persuing a relationship with him. Now, I have lived through his chronic illness, my Dads battle with cancer, my sons chronic medical diagnosis, and DHs cancer battle. I can no longer knowingly take on a partner with a known chronic disease, depression or physical illness. If my love were to develop something, I would undoubtedly step up to the plate because I love him. I guess my point is that I don't think that everyone should step away from a relationship with someone suffering with depression or any other illness but for those of us who are fragile or don't think we are up to the task of supporting someone else, we should be cautious. Your history of depression does not make you less lovable but you don't want to be with someone who can't stand by you when you need it the most.

Knowing our own limitations is important. A chain saw is definitely outside my comfort zone and I'm ok with that. Smart before ego, I'd say you should be proud.

Interesting, thanks for sharing. I would have to lie about the sleep part every day so I could move forward but I am working on all of the steps it outlines.

The number of crappy kiddie movies I have forced myself through over the years! Shark Boy and Lava Girl has got to be at the top of the list. If you going against your will makes you a bad parent, then we all are! Glad it was sold out and you got a reprieve.

Thanks everyone, I was able to sleep last night. I realized I haven't been sleeping well again for the past 2 weeks so maybe this has been building up and the terrorist attacks put me over the edge. I really have not watched too much on the news because of how I am feeling but just those few images here and there are enough and having my middle son away in Washington DC where I can't protect him leaves me feeling out of control. When I know my worries are irrational I have trouble putting a voice to them because I don't want anyone telling me I'm irrational. I did finally talk a little to NG last night because he sensed something was off and thought he had done something to upset me. I explained that I already know my worries are irrational so please don't waste time telling me why they are. Unfortunately he wasn't available to come over and just hold me, I think that would've been the best thing. I didn't have this kind of anxiety when DH was alive but when I was upset, having his big strong arms wrapped around me would make me feel safe and calm. I am a pretty strong and independent woman but there are those moments when I miss having an even stronger man be in charge.

I don't often have anxiety problems, a few times after my Dad died 7 years ago, a bunch shortly after Tim died and a handful of times in my life related to claustrophobia. Usually it's short lived, except in my early grief days. I have a prescription for Ativan that I used to take to turn my brain down at bedtime and a few times for acute anxiety. It started last night. Maybe triggered by the terrorist attacks, I'm not sure. I turned the news off pretty quickly after getting the basic rundown to avoid the constant loop of information. My middle son is in DC visiting GF at college with her parents, this got me irrationally worrying about an attack on the capital. Then it spiraled into lots of irrational worry about all kinds of things. Working to hide it from the kids. The rapid heart rate, feeling my pulse throbbing in my ears, unable to focus, near hyperventilating. I tried distraction, deep breathing, guided meditation, a walk and finally Ativan and ice cream. It just won't stop.

Was in PJs at 6:00, on the couch studying and eating mint chocolate chip gelato for dinner. Fighting anxiety all day, not sure what triggered it, maybe the terrorist attacks, haven't had anxiety like this, over nothing specific, in ages. I had an Ativan with the ice cream and neither worked. Hoping to get some sleep. Super sexy.

All of the firsts are so difficult to face. No matter how busy you try to keep yourself the grief is still there waiting and keeps building until you let you out. I say, keep your expectations low for the holiday, you don't need the pressure of trying to make it like it was before.