Portside

Ans to your Qs in order: No. No. Definitely not. There certainly are some knuckleheads out there and if you are on a site, they will find you. But no, you don't have to give up the goods quickly to get a decent guy. Just be yourself, for as long as it takes. Personally, I think FWB is about the worst path to creating a long-term intimate relationship. The cards are stacked in the guys favor and, contrary to some folk's opinion, the woman will be hurt, eventually, 9/10ths of the time. Yeah yeah, I know, some work out. But not most and not many. I am no longer dating but when I was, we just simply went out alot and talked about everything under the sun. Most things we were in agreement with but not all. But once we discussed the big items through (kids, money, faith, family, life plans, etc.) we each knew we found our next mate. We were not intimate until we had decided that we were going to be a long term pair. That's just us. You may find a different path that works better. Weigh the advice you get from everyone (even me!) carefully. I tend to listen more carefully to folks that have been successful in whatever it is I'm trying to do. They aren't always the ones that speak the loudest or most often. Best wishes and good luck - Mike p.s. - don't be embarrassed by not know how to approach this - it's a whole new ballgame that few of us were prepared for.

Hello IAYW - Yes, it does get better and easier over time. Just do the best you can and taking one step at a time is the key to recovery. Good luck - Mike

Oh boy. . . this isn't really complicated. It sounds like neither of you know what you want. Have you talked, really talked about what each of you want? That sounds to me like a very good starting point. Or have each of you avoided it because you both know the answer is that you both got boozed up and just gave it up? If you want some answers, ask him. And, conversely, tell him what is on your mind, if you know what that is. Bare your soul to him - all of it. It will either work out, or it won't. Either one is okay. Good luck - Mike

Here the deal on saving the SS moneys. Certainly you can save it. BUT, if you do, and report it as saved, the SS Administration can ask you to return the saved amount. Because, their reasoning is, if you could save it, you didn't need it for the children's support. So, my advice is to always report nothing saved. It was all spent on all the items mentioned above. Whether you are putting it aside for college is your own business, not uncle Sam's. Mike

Let know too please, I'm just down the road. Good thing you can drink at Carfagna's. ;D

Absolutely not. In my view, since you only have an online experience with this woman, and no face to face relationship, YOU don't yet have a fully informed idea or sense of the complete person. It is way too soon to involve your son for all the reasons you list. I get it - my sons also longed for a mother figure after their Mom died but that is no reason to rush things along. Yes, go ahead and meet her alone, a few times even. You always have time to have her meet your son later after you decide if your GF and you hit it off in real life. But, if you have them meet now, that bell can't be unrung if things go bad. I dated a number of women in person and the only one my sons ever met was my now wife. Your son has a different view and needs than you do - there really are two stages of a proper courtship for you at this stage; 1) Is she right for you? You honestly don't know that yet although indications are good. You'll know more after a number of physical meets. If she passes this test then - 2) Is she right for your family (son)? She may be great for you but not for your son. If she isn't, you'll break it off if you are smart. It could be she fails #2 for any number of reasons. I met plenty of women that, for one reason or another, were not a great match for my boys. We had to untangle ourselves from each other. Yes, it was sad for all involved but still the right thing to do. My opinion is you need to slow down a bit and let things play out as time goes on. For both your sake and you son's. Good luck - Mike

Well, maybe. The best profiles have been vetted by a trusted friend that is the opposite sex of you. So, if you haven't already, have a good guy buddy look your's over. My profile was a disaster until a lady workmate helped me rework it. Just go nice and slow and be ready to simply ignore the goofballs. Good luck - it's a jungle out there. Mike

I think my max was a bit more - maybe six/seven. And to keep it all straight I took notes of important points for each of the ladies. Number of kids, where they went to church, things that interested them, things that they didn't like, etc. Keeping things straight became even more important when I would meet them. I went out with many women during certain time periods. I treated it like a bunch of interviews - not drilling them for information but rather putting my best foot forward, determining what type of relationship they were looking for, personality style, outlook on life, did she seem interested in me - that sort of thing. Good luck - Mike

I have a place in northern Berks county - pls keep me in the loop when something is planned. Thanks

Hi FoF. When I started dating I used a faith-based site. It doesn't necessarily cut out all the gold-diggers and buttheads but it at least gives you a shared basis to start from. I met great women through it and eventually found my now wife there. Just an idea. PM me if you wish. Good luck - Mike

I wouldn't say it is stramge, but I can see it being confusing for the women you are dating if they have designs on something long term. I can see this being confusing for you too Leadfeather. Not going to offer advice but I wouldn't be able to date if this was my situation. Good luck - Mike

Klim, I don't think you are weird or anything ;D but us guys don't normally verbalize the whole evening's plans/not plans like that. Dating isn't for sissies. Good luck - Mike

Ugh. Wow Sugarbell. Prayers for all involved. What a weight on you it must have been/is. Mike

Nice! Words to live by Newgirl. My version: Be without fear in the face of thine enemies, stand brave and upright so that the Lord may love thee. Speak the truth always, even if it means your death. Protect the helpless, and do no wrong. And I'll add - don't be a sanctimonious dick. That alone covers most of the Ten Commandments.

You and me both Sister. I've taken a fatalist view of everyone's possible life span - it's been this way since I was in my early 20's. No doubt due to my time in the military 'cause you just never knew. Because of this, I've tried to put joy into each day. Not always successful but usually I am. I'm comfortable with the fact that all successful marriages end in someone's death, I mean, that simply is just the way it is. And for my wife and I, whatever follows this life will be infinitely better anyway so, there's that. I find it strangely comforting. I know, I'm weird too. Best wishes - Mike

Nah, just as in all other things, different folks experience the same event differently. If I can't reach someone, I simply assume they can't be reached. No more, no less. The Navy drilled into us, "no news is good news". If you have a real bad day, a casualty assistance officer will notify next of kin. Else, all is good. I can't worry about that which I can't control. Why drive myself nuts? Best wishes - Mike

Hello friends! I pray all are healing and making progress towards whatever endpoint has been hoped for within each of our individual lives. Let me say I know there are no nefarious intentions nor is anyone purposefully trying to quash a voice or particular points of view here. I am glad the mods are in place and handling this thankless job! THANK YOU!!! But I fear I am going to make it even more thankless. Namely, listing some possible areas that drive out potential posters or even discourage lurkers to sign up and post. I for sure know when I have issues with staff or clients or at home, it is always due to communication issues. Forum postings are a horrible and wonderful way to communicate. The written word is not always read or received as intended. (So do not feel bad if you think herein I am being an ass. It is not my intention (this time). On rare occasion I have been wrongly labeled NOT an ass. I have not changed.) Therefore, take this post in the good light from which it glows: I am merely asking questions (inartfully to be sure) seeking to find reasons for the low activity of the past months. So the questions which arise for me which may contribute to folks leaving: 1) Why is Christian content being discounted? I will not detail the many times a poster added a post with religious content and then being taken to task for it. A following member then posts and feels the need to bash God or a particular individual that was in the following poster’s circle that professed to be a God fearing person but failed them in some way. Those comments have nothing to do with the OP’s comment or issue but only have the effect to make the OP feel small. At times, that feeling of Christian content not being valued was so pervasive here that some OPs would sometimes post a message in the title such as “Warning – Christian content” or some such. Remember? It isn’t everyone’s cup of tea certainly. But as much fuss as the forums rules make about being inclusive of all, the feeling of this type of content being discounted is widespread. It’s not overt – rather, it feels like a low key sneering towards those that are Christ centered. And then the result is fewer such posts. 2) Why when there is antagonism towards widower’s issues, experience and/or speaking style it is allowed to stand? While this forum is certainly open to all, men that speak roughly or inartfully are taken to task for this style of speaking/writing – not for the content of their posts. I think that possibly the only thing we can all agree to here is that men and women are different. We are put together differently, we think differently, we act differently, we love differently and we grieve differently. As a result, men’s posts have a different flavor or style than that of the ladies. When this pushback regarding style/word choice occurs, many of us feel unwelcome. And it contributes to driving the men out or discouraging them from even joining in. 3) Why is the forum open to all who have lost? The mods have determined that this forum shall be an area open to anyone that has loved and lost that love through death, no matter what legal status they held or how long the time was that they were together. That certainly is their call (and that of the owners of the site.) But, having such a broad range of experience waters down the shared experience of those that participate. A widow who was married for 10 years has a completely different experience than that of a girlfriend whose boyfriend passed after less than a year of committed dating. 4) Why are Mean Girls/Guys not banned? There have been plenty of times when a member has stepped out of line. It happens. I choose to believe it is as a result of having an overly passionate reaction to a post or the like. But when that member is allowed to continue to participate, it chills the experience of those members whose skin is tender and tends to shout them down. The forum rules seem to be applied unevenly where some posters can skate but other, lower status, if you will, posters get beat up without consequence. We have lost many members as a result of some of the flame wars both here and at the old board. Flame wars, while an unavoidable consequence of any forum can be contained and minimized. The ban hammer, if used judiciously, will keep a forum under control. I know this post may come across sharply; it is not the intent at all. Simply my thoughts and ruminations on how we can make this a better and more vibrant forum. Love you all and again, THANK YOU mods for all you do - Mike

Oh, sorry, I also misunderstood. You hold hands for the first time when your beau extends his hand so that he can help you pull yourself out of the nude mud-wrasseling pit. What?

The rule is that there now seems to be no rules. When I was dating, there were occasions where I was kissed or offered sex before any handholding. "Whoa, hold on there Sister, you're on step 45, I'm on step 6." It's almost as if each of our instructions on how this courtship thing is to proceed is totally our own, and no one's list matches anyone else's. With loads of opportunity for misunderstandings, hurt feelings, confusion, etc. It's a minefield out there. ??? Good luck - Mike

Great idea for a thread! Immediately after finding my wife dead in my youngest son’s room, I pushed my two youngest out of the house into the front yard and then went back in to call EMS. As soon as I made the call, I heard the sirens kick off. Somehow, one of the neighbor moms was beside me almost instantly and took charge. She did all the things that needed to be done; answered the door and phone, cleaned up the kitchen, did laundry, took notes about who visited and what they dropped off, etc. She stayed for two days until my family could fly in. She was, and remains, a saint. A few days later, I had to get clothes for my kids for their mother’s funeral service. They were in that stage where they grow out of their pants every four weeks and I had nothing suitable for them. So off we go – while at the store I became overwhelmed with all the choices and the pressure to get it right and I think I just pretty much froze, standing there in one of the aisles with a blank look on my face. Some lady with 2 or 3 kids of her own asked if I needed help. I’m pretty sure it was obvious I needed help. I told her what was going on and what I needed and she jumped into it, pulling together outfits for my guys and remembering to get belts and dress shoes. I surely would have forgotten those items. She really took care of the boys. There were many more occurrences of folks stepping up – really too many to write up but those are the ones that stand out. I have been manifestly blessed. Best wishes - Mike

Family dinners were always a big deal for us (and still are). After my wife passed, we continued to do them the same way and time. I even set a place for her at first. It was hard at the beginning but after a time it went back to near normal with the kids telling me about their day and the noise of us talking over each other. As you said, try to keep busy - for me, that was the best thing I could do. Good luck - Mike

Yeah, it sounds like a bit of a mess. While this is certainly painful, perhaps this is for the best. You mentioned you feel he hasn't gotten you in the past 2.5 years. 2 and a half years is a long time to be dating someone and the two of you are not yet clicking. Perhaps each of you are searching for something the other cannot deliver, and thus, the problem. No right or wrong but simply honest mismatch on expectations and pace of advancement of the relationship. Good luck - Mike

Well, you really don't have any control over what the GS reviewer will do or, for that matter, the editor of that page of the newspaper. The paper will probably refer to whatever style guide they use regarding deceased/late. But, you could talk to everyone involved with the article and relay your daughter's wishes and ask them to honor them. That is pretty much all you can do and hope for the best. They may just write it up verbatim and there will be no problem. There are so many family situations now that deviate from the traditional that most folks don't bat an eye with any description of family makeup or situation. Try not to worry about that if you are able. As an example, when my son in the Navy was being vetted for his Top Secret clearance, the FBI agent in our home conducting it didn't even look up from his paperwork when my son asked my now wife, "Hey Mom, what was Mom's maiden name?" Related to your issue, my local paper wrote up my son for an award for exemplary actions while deployed overseas. They called to ask me family information and I told them please use "son of Mr. and Mrs. Mike XXXXX and the late T.P.". They printed it as I asked. I'd tell your daughter to request whatever it is that gives her comfort. Good luck - Mike

No, we did not. We felt to bring a mention of our late spouses into a fresh beginning would introduce a bit of sadness into a very joyful event. All of our guests were well aware that we both had lost our previous spouses. As such, they were remembered in silence. Good luck - Mike

That's it in a nutshell LiO. Very sorry about your loss. Best wishes - Mike