Portside

My kids were 10/11 when I started dating. I also didn't share much other than I was dating. My kids didn't meet any of my dates at any time. After I knew I was in it for the long haul with my now wife, my boys met her and I met her children. At no time did we stay over at each other's place when the kids were around (which was most of the time ) before we were married. We wanted to model good examples as much as possible. Yeah - it sucked. : Yes, it is hard - our lives are much more complicated than they were when we single folks the first time around. No real advice for you but, it's doable - but takes a boatload of planning. Oh, one thing - until you have determined you have met *The One*, don't have him meet the kids. It needlessly can complicate everything if it goes bad. Good luck - Mike

No - we would not have had health care POA, etc., for each other if we were not engaged. It's all a tough call no matter where you are in your relationship. You have to go with your gut. I have friends of 20+ years that I wouldn't grant any POA rights to. I love them but, well, you know. ??? You have to decide what is best for you and your family. It isn't easy. Mike

Yes, before I remarried, but immediately after my fiancée and I decided we were we in it for the long haul, I had her specified as my health advocate and ICE contact. Did all the paperwork then too. It was the thing to do - the kids loved her and I trusted her to make the appropriate decisions, if it came to that. One other thing - although I have 7 siblings, none live close enough to quickly respond to an emergency involving me. So, I had a card in my wallet and notes in my phone telling responders that my children would be alone if I didn't get home on time (or at all). For me, the worst thing in the universe would have been for me to be injured/killed in an accident, and my boys sitting at home waiting for Daddy to come home. It didn't happen but that's what worried me. I made R. promise that in case of real trouble, tend to the kids first and me second. Good luck - Mike

JeanGenie - yeah, that stinks but, if you are able, just quickly brush yourself off and get back on the horse as it were. I think you're right, however, that this experience has shown that you can get out and enjoy yourself and have feelings for a guy. Right, it may have not worked out but that's okay. Now, my advice if he recontacts you is to at least require an explanation of what happened before you agree to any other get togethers. That's not out of line. I wouldn't go into a big discussion of *you hurt me, etc.* but I would pointedly let him know his conduct was rude. But yes, it's a great thing that you now know you can be happy again and be excited seeing someone special. Good luck! Mike

My late wife killed herself by a GSW to the chest. She struggled for years with mental illness and her friends cared about her deeply and supported her any way they could. After the funeral, one of her BFFs and I were talking about how hard she fought her illness and her buddy said to me "Well, she gave it her best shot." She, of course, was horrified but we then both just laughed that embarrassed, nervous laughter. She meant well. What are you gonna do? Mike

Hell no Adley! Simply play it like YOU want to. If you like the slower pace of conversations and texting, stick with that. I used a spreadsheet to keep everything straight - details about each person, etc. This may sound cold but honestly, I needed to do that so as to not get mixed up and forget who said what. Remember, online dating, when you are starting off with someone is marketing, pure and simple. Put your best foot forward and don't share too much. You are just getting to know others on a very basic level. Of course, the longer you communicate with someone, you'll get into deeper levels. Good luck - Mike

Let's see: Kids Caring for a house/apt Work Church Grocery shopping and cooking Laundry Keeping the car in good repair etc. (almost forgot - sleep) Unless it's pathological, didn't we use to call this *really busy*? Mike

Most importantly I think is to get an experienced realtor involved. She'll know the market and how to position the house with its unique characteristics in the best possible light. I don't think you selling it yourself is the way to go in this case. Also, she'll be able to give you an very good estimate of the final selling price. From this figure, all other things will flow. My now wife and I sold the two of our homes and bought a third (in a down market) when we got married. Our agent was a godsend and was able to sell the homes quickly for much more than we would have been able to ourselves - even including her fees. Whatever you decide - good luck! Mike

Might it have been suitable to ask to go to the range with him as a VD outing? A possible win-win. Mike

Text him back telling him people in hell would like ice water but it's NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN!! Nah, you know what to do - not a damn thing. Mike

Ugh - once again, BS advice to you Angelalpn from a person that doesn't know. Get an appointment when you can and go. Also, your state of residence has no bearing on your SS benefits. It is a Federal program - your state doesn't get involved. As others have said, get with a SS agent and see what, if any, benefits you are eligible for. Good luck - Mike

And that's the difference between you and me and this guy. I'd be he sees things differently. A guy carrying a torch for a particular woman will latch onto any little thing to convince himself he's still in the running. Even if it is based on wishful thinking.

Well, then just avoid him if that is what you want to do. It may be impossible at family gatherings but simply be firm and unchanging - *No, BIL, I will not date you. Sorry.* Don't say anything that could be read by him as "Ah, I have a chance!" Such as, "I like you but. . . .", "You're a great guy but. . . .", things like that. It sounds like he may always have the pilot light lit for you - don't do anything to cause it to be turned into a torch. It already bothers you. And heavens no, don't say anything to your niece. What good can come of that? You may embarrass her and to what end? Are you hoping she tells her Dad to lay off? If she does, everyone would be embarrassed and hurt then. You don't owe your niece any explanation of whom you date or don't date. Or to explain to her that her Dad is a creep. You're relationship with your niece will be forever damaged. Even if it is the truth. Simply keep telling him "No", in your own way and hopefully, he finally accepts it. Good luck - Mike

I second Peterson's book. He has put out a ton of youtube videos also. Definitely a guy to check out - a wonderful resource. Mike

It does. Thanks!

I'm not trying to be snarky but what does that mean? What would someone hold back? Does this mean like having a *serious boyfriend*? Help me understand please. Best wishes - Mike

Yeah, this can be a huge PITA. Don't confuse yourself - reasoning has very little to do with this whole thing. Your actions will be guided by how committed you are to your desired outcome. (We all do this whether or not we know it.) Actually, it's more a what are you willing to trade for your desired outcome. I'm assuming your desired outcome is either 1) Oldest pays a modest rent to help with the household expenses or 2) he moves out and, as a consequence, your household expenses are substantially reduced or 3) pays for his own groceries and relieves the pressure on your finances. My last child (23) is currently living at home. Each of my 5 others are now out. Each of them had their own issues, life choices, financial situations each of which played into how and when they moved out permanently. I had to adopt different strategies for each as they are/were wildly different. If your son doesn't follow through on getting his own groceries and providing you some financial relief, what are you willing to do? Force him out? I had to push (read *throw*) my daughter out after multiple blow-ups regarding her lifestyle and the scum she dragged home. But, I didn't do it all at once. After I determined she had to go, I told her so - but in a nice way, and pointed out how this was in her own interest (a bit of a stretch but so what), set a date by which she needed to be gone and helped her put a plan in place so that she could find a place and plan for affording it. I think the big part of why this was successful was she had an endpoint and I showed her that it would work. She warmed to the idea of having her own place and eventually, started to do the work that was necessary for it to be successful. However, I was firm that by such and such a date, she would be out, whether she was ready or not. Very firm. I was fully prepared to throw her shit out of the front door on the end date if that's what it came too. Perhaps that was evident in my personality and encouraged her to seek a easier path. So - as this relates to your situation, maybe give him a week or two to see whether he honors his commitment to buy his groceries. Even if he does, are the financials working for you? If they aren't, something else will need to be done. If his grocery buying plan went up in smoke, well then, you have your answer and you'll need to decide what you can live with. He's a big boy, he can live on his own now. Perhaps he needs a push from you. Maybe even a big push. If that suits you, set a date, help him plan and stick to it. My daughter made me unhappy in my own home. She's out now and we have a fine relationship - much better than it was. Perhaps your experience will be similar - Good luck!! None of this is easy but you can do it. It really will be for his own good. He'll realize it at some point. ps - I don't know what I did differently than you but I rarely spent that much in groceries. Wow! They ARE eating you out of house and home. pss - The last one home works and pays rent. He is moving to Dallas shortly to seek his fortune. On his own, with no push from me. Mike

Oh I wish. Uh folks, please don't forget widowers are also now suddenly totally responsible for work, home management and child rearing all by themselves too. Guilt, fatigue, second guessing, dealing with day care implosions, etc. isn't just the realm of moms. We all have our struggles. Best wishes- Mike p. s. - for those that knew Kate, I'm still in contact with her. She has finished college, has a job she loves and is raising her children to be fine, happy little people. All with a beautiful smile and a positive outlook.

Well, here's the thing. You don't get to draw the line. What I mean is you can suggest where the line is drawn, insist where the line is drawn, or ask where the line is drawn. If NG won't/can't draw it where you are comfortable, then you have to decide if the relationship is worth the trouble or not. At the risk of annoying Mrs Dan once again, NG is already under extreme pressure from his former wife. You have to be careful how you handle this - you don't want to inadvertently make him feel like he is battling you too. Nothing good for anyone will come out of that. If you can structure the push back to the ex such that NG feels like he has a partner that has his back and is helping the situation, that would be optimal. I can't tell you what that is though. I wish I could. It sounds like a mess - I wish you much luck. Best wishes - Mike

It does if you keep it simple. Just approach it one step at a time without trying to find out/decide all right at the beginning and keep your "list" reasonable. For example, on the first date was the guy pleasant and respectful? Were you? If "yes", continue. Not - wow, he worn a stripped shirt with plaid pants!! Ok, a visual disaster but is that really important? But, IIRC, you never met with this guy in person right? You texted for 4 days and then decide it's not a match? I'm not sure this is a method that has a high chance of find a wonderful guy. Without a physical meetup, you've (we all would do this) built a mental image of what he is and who he is. But really, unless he was a complete ass texting, which you didn't mention, I don't feel you gave this possibility a fair shake. I've gone on and on about texting for years here - it is not a form of effective or complete communication by any stretch of the imagination. There are too many holes within texting to used as a go/nogo decision point. (again, unless he was inappropriate). Simply being clumsy or a poor texting communicator could throw a potentially great guy out of the pool. I went on more blind dates than ones where I did the asking. I had a ball. Not everyone was a match for me certainly and I'm positive I wasn't a match for all the women I met. However, I learned something big from each and every lady I went out with. Something about myself, something about life, something about dating. Something about humanity. Just my two cents. Good luck and best wishes - Mike

Even if she decides to get together, do you really want to? If she is indecisive about dating, I'd take that as a negative and not something I want to deal with. Sorry.

I'm not so sure the articles have covered all possibilities. Can it not be BOTH children and SO are first? It truly does not have to be either/or if both partners want it that way. And perhaps, there's the rub. I only know what worked for me - we are all different of course with differing wants, personalities, and situations. But for my now wife and myself, we combined events just like a married family - meaning, sometimes (for example) we all went to a soccer practice, sometimes we didn't. If certain events were important to one of us, but not the other, then we jointly decided what to do. Sometimes we insisted all were present for something, sometimes not. You get the idea - it was a rolling give and take with all having input but my SO and me making the final decision. We "teamed" it early on and our kids learned that right away - and adjusted. A slight veer from the above topic: Here is my unvarnished take on the situation: I fear much, if not most, of NG's attention is devoted to the ex and the situation there. How could it not be? It sounds like it's a mess. I'm not sure he can give the new family (yours and his, together) the concentration it needs. Two years seems to be a long time to me to not have hashed this out completely. For any relationship to be fully healthy, each of you must be all in. Until that happens, it may remain a bit rocky. Good luck! - Mike

Hillard is nice along with Dublin. If you want to live out a bit Plain City has some very nice spots. London is definitely country living if that is your thing. I guess the real question for you and your family would be how close to you want to be to big city shopping, health care, etc. ? The answer, of course, will impact what areas would be the best matches. Good luck - Mike

Yes! Went to 6:30 Mass and the children's choir sang. They were lovely. Got home and warmed up ham, clam chowder, biscuits and mashed potatoes for all my guests. The grandkids each asked to open one gift, which I allowed them to do. Watched *A Christmas Story* with my kids as is our habit. Laughed at the same scenes as we always do. Sailor son made it home on leave this morning and brought two buddies that couldn't get to their own homes for Christmas. They ate like they had never seen food before. They are all asleep now after their 20 hour drive to get here. Bless their hearts. Life is good and it is a joy to share the season with whoever is around. Merry Christmas. Mike

Klim, of course I don't know what is going on entirely but if I was your NG, I would want to be with you/your fam on Christmas morning. My family is complicated. Kids scattered all over, strained relationships with a few sibs, my wife is very ill. But even with all that, I have a standing invitation for anyone that would be alone on Christmas eve/day to come. Two sailors and one Marine are here now - I didn't know them until yesterday. They leave tomorrow but I'm sure others will be here. Yes, it's nice to have that family time, but for us, a shared family experience is to make others feel welcome during this season. Just a thought - good luck and Merry Christmas!! Mike