Portside

T2B - I can't tell if that is being said with a wink or not but if not - please don't do that. Many guys would put that in the 'plays games' file and nothing good can come from that. Or it can be seen as some sort of 'test' and boy do many of us hate that. It's seen as "You know, I try to be a good, nice guy and then this." To me this just has the feel of maybe a good thing or two could come from stirring the pot but there is a bigger chance it blows up. Free advice and probably worth what you paid. Good luck - Mike

Does your SIL count? It didn't last long but it was fun for both of us. A shared history and all that. Good luck - Mike

My youngest kids were 9 and 10 at the time (I also had two older sons that were out of the house). At first, I simply told them I was going out to met a friend. A lady friend if one of them asked specifically. That was when I first started dating. It was not a discussion at all, I just told them what I was doing. Neither of them really seemed to care much at all. The first time, I told them a few hours before I went out - they asked if they could have pizza for supper. As I said, they weren't very interested. After my now wife and I decided to date exclusively, I introduced her to them and I met her children. Up until that point, none of the women I went out with were introduced to my boys - and I didn't meet the children of the other women I went out with either. I just didn't seem like a good idea. Good luck! Mike

I honestly think this is a personal thing and each of us will have our own unique response to the death of our spouse. I'm at 10 years and I do not think of my late wife daily or even very often now. I've asked my sons and they also do not. That's not to say we never are reminded of what was lost, just that it is not a consuming thought in our heads. But, like I said - it probably is different for all. Best wishes - Mike

Oh boy. It does all sound pretty fast to me. Regardless of how you feel about this man, it may be wise to try to reduce the intensity of the feelings your daughter has developed for him. I understand he's great with her and all but unforeseen things can occur with your relationship with him and it sounds like if you and he were to break up, your daughter would be crushed. Perhaps tell your daughter (gently, and in an age appropriate manner) that, No, he isn't a step-dad but you care about him a lot and you like him too. But it's too soon to call him step-dad. In any case, this will be difficult because of course, you don't want to upset your little girl. I didn't introduce my now wife to any of my children until after we decided that we were in it for the long haul. But, obviously, that ship has sailed in your case. Be gentle but I think your girl will understand what is going on if you explain where you are in your relationship. After I was widowed, my youngest son would approach women in the grocery store and ask them if they would be his new mommy. Tore my guts out - and theirs too. I quit taking him to the store. :'( Good luck - Mike

Hey AZ, my condolences on the loss of your wife. I lost my wife due to suicide. At the beginning, I forced myself to get up and do the normal things I needed to do. Go to the store, get the kids ready for school, go to work - you know that kind of thing. I got the kids into counseling right away and while it really wasn't geared for me, it turned into individual counseling as well. I found it very helpful. As time when on, I forced myself to do social things - by myself when necessary. It was hard but, for me at least, those activities contributed greatly to my healing. Hang in there, it's hard to fathom right now, but you will, over time, process this tragedy and eventually learn to life with it and all that goes with it. Good luck - Mike

Important issues brought up here - thanks! I certainly understand you being a bit put out regarding the 3 days of no talking while NG on vacation. But, could this simply be a function of the differences between men and women? Many guys don't need, or perhaps even want, the level of tagging up that many women want. I'm not suggesting that anyone is right or wrong here, only that it may be due to differences in personality. As to the level of attention NG showers upon his kids when they are around - he may feel some underlying guilt as a result of the breakup of his first marriage and he overcompensates when he has his children. Who knows? Just a thought. SB, you mentioned NG may be compartmentalizing various aspects of his life. That is very possible - as a group, men oft times do that. Rightly or wrongly, we view it as a feature, not a bug within our lives. It seems everyone involved here will have to compromise a great deal in order to have this relationship be a happy, successful one. Everyone, on both an individual level, and as a couple, must decide what they are willing to give in to and what they will not. Each of us will have our unique 'line' that must be reached to feel comfortable. I guess the trick is to find where the line is and is that compatible with what the other person can live with and that's where the communication aspect comes into play. Blending isn't for sissies - Good luck - Mike

That is a tough one. I haven't had to navigate differences of opinion regarding parenting styles or methods. Fortunately for my family, my now wife and I are very much alike with our ideas of what proper (for us) parenting is. Each of us, separately, will discipline, praise, ground, scold, love on, hug or ignore as the situation requires. Each of us feel comfortable enough with it that we rarely clear any decision with the other. We try to treat our kids the same - there isn't much 'your's' or 'mine'. It's very effective. I do think it is important that you and your guy come to some common agreement on the 'rules' and what is to be done when followed and when broken. It just makes it easier on everyone. It seems like there should be lots of discussion with your guy in your future on this. It's a good thing! Good luck! Mike

Of course I don't know how you feel but never say never. My brother and SIL had their last when she was 51. On purpose. No issues and a lovely child. Best wishes - Mike

Attended our town's fireworks last night with friends and two of my kids. It was a great time. Today we'll cook out and sit around and enjoy each other's company all day - tonight we'll have a bonfire and shoot off fireworks with the neighborhood kids. Making the potato salad now. Good times! Best wishes - Mike

Yes, I'm Catholic. It gave me, and continues to give me, great comfort and direction. My parish swooped in and helped in countless ways when my late wife died. My wife was not a member of my parish but that didn't matter to the priests, sisters or parishioners even while she was alive. They helped her whenever she needed it - which was quite often.

My deepest sympathies. My late wife of 20 years suffered the same disease and same outcome. Her symptoms were pervasive and out in the open for the world to see for 18 years. We tried everything to reach some level of her living without symptoms - medication, therapies, involuntary and voluntary institutionalizations, prayer, hypnosis and on and on and on. I guess because of our reaching out to every possible treatment, I never felt much guilt. It made no difference in her case. T's final outcome appeared to be carved in stone. The coroner took pains to explain to me that there was no other possible outcome in T's case. That even if I removed every possible means she would have found a way - and she did. As far as the selfish aspect - I don't know what to say about that. She did die in such a way and place that my youngest son (9) was guaranteed to find her destroyed body. He was very affected by that for years but I tried to not blame her. I chose to believe it was the illness acting, not her. Sometimes I thought "Who in their right mind . . . .?" To ask the question is to answer it. No one. Best wishes - Mike

Interesting. I don't think I'd say I 'needed' a partner after I was widowed. But, I did know I wanted to remarry at some point. I liked being married previously even though my experience wasn't ideal. Therefore, I actively sought out a woman who was like-minded after my grieving was finished. But, having said that, I did think it was important for my young children to be loved and nurtured by a woman that would, to the best of her ability, fulfill the role of a Mom. A new marriage would provide that for them. A woman/mother adds richness to a child's life that no father could on his own so, maybe unconsciously I felt that 'need' - don't know. I wouldn't presume to speak for widows but for both sexes, I imagine there are many factors and influences in play. For example, US censuses have shown for many decades that after age 45 (roughly), the number of available men and women begins to diverge and only becomes greater over time. Perhaps that has some impact on likelihood of each sex remarrying. Or not. Who knows? Best wishes - Mike

This absolutely hands down one of the most offensive things you've ever posted here, and that's saying a lot. Advocating for your emotional needs and what you think will ensure a healthy relationship is not being cranky. Honestly, it's pretty pathetic to use a grief group as a vehicle for vocalizing an obvious disdain for women. MrsDan, I know that you will not believe me but I do not post in order to belittle women in general or the OP in this case. Ever. I post in order to offer my take on what a poster is asking. Yes, oft times it is out of step with what many others here have to say. But isn't that the beauty of an open forum? The possibility that someone you have never met may have an insight or view that maybe, just maybe, may be a way out of whatever it is that troubles you? I am under no illusions that my thoughts are equal to Moses bringing them down from the mountain. They are just one guy's ideas. That's all. I could be wrong, I know that. I am primarily interested in the Socializing threads because there seem to be many questions along the line of why is my guy doing this, why did he say that, what do guys want, why is dating a man confusing and the like. There are very few men that post here so I figure I have something valuable to contribute. I had a successful dating and remarriage experience. So, I think I have some standing. That's all this is. If you disagree with my possible explanation of the OP's issue, that's fine. It doesn't necessarily follow that your disagreement must mean I want to belittle women. Best wishes - Mike

Yeah, it is hard. But, try to look at it from his viewpoint (as he should also look at it from yours) too. After yesterday's blow up, I'll bet he feels he has two cranky women to deal with. Not just one. And one of them (that's you ) is supposed to help him navigate all the ups and downs, the betters and for worsts. Peeing in the corners to mark out territory and boundaries will only work if you include him in the decision process and not establish it by edict. If you do not, you will be a very unhappy woman sooner or later. Here's the thing - all of you are navigating new territory - even the ex. Try to take a step back and help him work out a scheme that everyone can live with without a hassle. I'm not saying roll over and give in to everything. Simply try to find common ground when it presents itself and be as reasonable as you can when it doesn't. The kids always get caught in no-mans-land in a war. I'm sure you don't want that. Good luck - Mike

Normally, I talk to others about being widowed in the same fashion as I discuss other aspects of my life. I'm open about the experience, challenges and growth as a result of it. I find most folks are simply curious about things they don't know about. Sure, I get some boneheaded questions now and again, but not often enough to mention. So, I answer questions simply and directly, most times. Good luck - Mike

Amazing to me that this man's behavior is not understood. I know it's difficult to believe this but take it from a guy - Vegas man is treating you as you asked to be treated - that is, a no challenge notch on his headboard to be called upon when the mood suits him, not you. To be even blunter, and to answer a question not asked but I think important, no, he doesn't respect you. You didn't require that so he will not offer it. T2B is correct, there are lots of other men that will be happy to offer you the 'trouble' you seek without adding in those pesky items of dignity or respect. But just remember the rules - when it blows up, and it will, no whining allowed. Good luck - Mike

Agreed - should have run from them. Shallow, selfish, childish are how I would describe them. What the hell? We all have our 'list' of what we want but that doesn't give anyone the right to be rude and insulting. Like all of us, I've gone on a date or two where I knew immediately the relationship was not going to blossom. Inside, I wanted to throw $50 on the table and say "have a nice day", but I didn't. You be a man and tough it out and show the lady a decent time. It's what grownups do. Assholes. Ugh. Good luck - Mike

Oh, you know - your health and your self-respect. Just to name two. That kind of thing.

I'm the sort that tries to face that sort of fear head on. My late wife shot herself in our bedroom while the boys and I were out. I slept in there that night. Well, didn't sleep - rather stared at the ceiling all night. In any case, hard as it was, it became easier every day after that. The first time will be the hardest but try to do it - it's a major step towards healing. Good luck - Mike

My youngest son had to fill out a massive amount of documentation for his Top Secret clearances. According to his FBI interrogator, ALL family - dead, alive, current, from the past, etc. were required to be listed. Don't know if this is similar to you son's situation or not. Good luck. - Mike

I think we can all agree that every widow/widower is affected by the death of their spouse. This seems like a "Duh" statement but hear me out. Given that my first statement is an undeniable truth, could it not also be, by extension, that each of our friends and relatives have also been greatly affected by the passing of our spouse? Certainly, not to the same degree but still, affected. Some react positively and do what we need/want without a thought, others react by acting poorly or not in what we think are our interests, and still others are stunned into foolishness or inattentiveness and can not act at all. I tried to apply the parable of the prodigal son when friends returned after an absence to try to make amends or offer help. They didn't or don't understand what was going on in my head. I didn't or don't understand what was going on in their's. Best wishes - Mike

Well then, just stop it. Only you are in control of how you feel about this. Please don't give the power to others, particularly the fam members that are totally against you possibly remarrying. My wife also owns a family business that was in place decades before I came onto the scene. Similarly, I own a farm that was passed on to me from my grandparents - it has been in the family since at least 1825. Neither my wife nor I own any part of the others' interest in these two assets. We have other assets of course that belong to us jointly. If this issue is similar to the one that is the cause of your family's heartburn, there are many, many avenues to protect each of you in case of death or divorce. Sure, legal and financial folks will have to be involved to put this all into place, but by no means, are they insurmountable obstacles. I have a feeling, however, your family's issue with the whole thing is also based on some additional concerns. Four years is a long time for the family to be closed to the idea of you moving on. You really have two simple choices: Talk the issues out with parents/sibs or ignore them. You are the one that has to live with your decisions. It's too important to allow others to steer you in a direction you don't want to go. You may never have their support. Sad, but like I said, you are the one that has to live with the decision. Good luck - Mike

Yes - just jump back into it. You have to face it eventually, why not now? I went back full-time after 7-8 days off. I had to make arrangements to have the bus stop at the house for the kids (8 and 9) for the last weeks of school and find childcare for the summer first. I made a few changes at work too such as no more coast to coast travel. My heart wasn't into it at first but folks made allowances for that - at least for me. Good luck - Mike

Tweety - prepare to be shocked. You are absolutely correct that this forum is for all that have lost someone close, no matter what the legal status. That is the right of the owners of the site. They can make this whatever they want it to be. They pay the freight - they make the rules. But that was not what the original poster was concerned with. She asked about her mother and, if we look at this issue with a little larger scope, we can extrapolate it to general society. General society does not view the words we use here to describe ourselves to have the same 'definition' as this site does. I'll give you a similar example - In general society, the word 'veteran', when used to describe a former member of the armed services, has a specific, unbending meaning. It does not, and can not, be used to describe folks that are closely aligned to the Navy (for example) or any civilian support groups. Hell, they may even be working in a combat zone alongside Marines. Living, eating, sleeping, fighting as the Marines but they are not veterans. To claim otherwise would be to start a monumental fight with the troops. Words have specific meanings. But, posters here are allowed to call themselves whatever they want. No one said otherwise and no one is trying to minimize anyone's hurt. But to try it on the 'outside' is asking for further hurt. I can call myself a cheese sandwich - that doesn't make me one. Best wishes - Mike