Portside

My late wife whored herself around to support her addiction of the day/week for many years. She then blew herself apart in my youngest son's bedroom (9 yrs old) to ensure he would find her shattered body. I can't very well tell most folks that can I? When asked, I usually said something like - "She suffered for years and was no longer able to hang on to her sanity". Or some such words. You can't stop people from asking about it. The folks that cared about you and your husband will get it and quit asking. The others, well . . . . Good luck - Mike

Happy Mother's Day to all Moms who have had to say (or will have to say); Don't stand there with the fridge door open! Well, if so-and-so jumped off a bridge, would you too? Don't slam the door! Don't take that tone with me young lady! I slave over a hot stove all day and this is the thanks I get? No, you can't. What, are your fingers broken? Call! Not in my house you aren't! I don't care what everyone else does. Right where you left it. But, on the better days, to those that say; Here, let me look at it. I know honey, it will be okay. You'll see. I love you too. Best wishes - Mike

Sorry to hear this. Yes, I can explain this. He lost his grip on what is acceptable behavior and what is not. He has demonstrated to you that can be violent for no reason. Further DO NOT meet with him alone. I'd consider getting a restraining order against him. You can't take a chance that he will act like a decent human around you as, as you stated, when he comes over he is threatening. Forget talking to him. You are in danger. Bullies only change when a harder-ass than themselves applies 'corrective guidance". (Read this as an ass kicking). I'm not kidding - do not meet with him and get a restraining order. Right now. Best wishes - Mike

My deepest sympathy on the loss of your husband. This is just one man's opinion but I think, yes, it's too soon for you. Actually, it isn't a matter of time - it's more a matter of where you are in your grief. To my way of thinking, a person is being unfair with both themselves and the other party when getting into a relationship while actively grieving a lost spouse. It sounds like you have not yet processed the death of your dear husband. I fear to become involved with your old friend now will delay your recovery and introduce some confusion into your life. You said yourself you are still a bit depressed and struggling with your loss. Reconnecting with an old friend simply because you enjoy the closeness will not reduce your pain or ease your grief by itself. That will take some work and time. Hold off until you are ready to approach a new relationship on it's own merits - whenever that is. Good luck - Mike

At the heart of this is a perfect example of how men and women many times have different communication styles. I think most men would not understand why you are a bit put out. In my reading, all he is saying is "I'm going to go. You don't have to if you don't want to." He is trying to let you off the hook. If you want. Don't read more into it. Nothing more, nothing less. Mike

I started a bunch of new activities and had to drop one or two: I've always baked but got serious after my wife died. I don't buy store-bought bread anymore and generally make enough to pass around the neighborhood. Since all my kids are out of the house, I became a foster Dad for neglected/abused/abandoned emergency cases. The sheriff or children's protective services knock on my door in the middle of the night a number of times a month with a kid or two that need bathed, fed, clothed and read to. It's short term generally and then they are returned to the family that abused them or to grandma if the mother OD'd. The system is horrible. Poor kids. I volunteer teach run/hide/fight classes for the professionals at our local school system in the event of intrusions or active shooter attacks and organize follow-up concealed carry classes for those that desire a County issued license. I am trying to line up singing lessons now but that isn't moving as quickly as I'd like. I also took up apple cider vinegar making. I have a couple of barrels at the farm going at any one time.It makes a great gift. Best wishes - Mike

Two out of three seems to be most everyone's experience. ;D

Hmmmmm. . . . Good question Randy. First wife's ashes were scattered in the flower beds/woods at our home. When R and I got married, we moved to our current home. R scooped up some of the flower bed's dirt and brought it with us to spread on the new house's flower beds. R wants her ashes to be interred next to her mother. I've asked to be buried at sea off of one of the ships my son has served on if possible. But, if I know R, she'll put some of me in the flower beds with late wife, some next to her mother (and thus her eventually), and the remainder will be turned over to the custody of the Navy. I've told all what I want done but whether it will happen or not remains to be seen. It's early in your marriage - these things have a way of getting worked out if the folks involved want to work them out. I guess we simply must hope that those that love us can compromise and reach a solution that mostly works. Happy Easter - Good luck - Mike

Found it - I wrote this a few years ago about combining finances and legal plans for a Chapter 2 couple but parts of it apply to this thread - of course, everyone is different but this will give you a starting point for your own situation. - Old post follows - Finances Of all the items to consider when we combined our families, this one took the most time and effort. When we first met, our attraction to each other was obvious in an instant. When we discovered that we had many similarities with our approach to money and how we spent and saved, that made our connection even deeper. We both had been cursed previously with a spouse whose ideas about spending were wildly different than that of our own. For me at least, that fact was a constant source of friction between my late wife and myself. To discover that R. was in line with my own financial philosophy was just icing on the cake. But having said all that, it still required many months and an army of lawyers, financial guys and our CPAs to get everything in place in a manner that was fair to all and protected each of us and our children should the unthinkable happen. End of life finances: Both of us brought roughly an equivalent value of assets to our marriage. But, they were different in form; R. has a significant interest in an old family business. She also has significant pension assets. I have ownership of the family farm and homestead that I rent out (and do not live at). Additionally, I had more investments and investment income than R. Right off the bat we decided we would not execute a prenup. Neither of us liked the idea and it felt like "I love you and trust you but. . . . . ". Just not our cup of tea - it wasn't going to work for us. Your mileage may vary of course. We decided instead to protect the kids and each other’s interests through separate Revocable Trusts with each other as the Trustee for the other spouse's Trust. In general, everything is under the control of the surviving spouse when (not if) one of us die. Yes, we trust each other to do the right thing for all of our kids. If we both go at the same time, everything will be divided up equally between the children. In both of those scenarios however, the family business and the family farm remain within the original families. (How this paragraph morphed into 25 pages of legal gobblety-gook in the Trusts is beyond me). Also, each of our remaining parents are elderly and in poor health. Any inheritances from them will go to their respective grandchildren. R. also has a mentally disabled adult brother for whom we are both guardians. Separate monies are split off for his care until he dies. Some college loans will be forgiven but we’ve made it equitable for all by not giving them as much cash. You get the idea. One other thing - we financed much of the payouts when we go by means of beneficiaries of life insurance and IRA contracts. They are non-contestable in court and will not be probated (and, as a side benefit, no one can view them or how they were set up). Wills can be contested and all your laundry can be viewed by anyone with the $ to pay the copying fees at the courthouse. Doing it the way we did helps guarantee our wishes will be honored. While on this subject - I urge you all to check the beneficiaries of any life insurance policies you have and ensure the beneficiary is who you want it to be. Back in the day I owned an insurance business and I can't tell you how many times a spouse 'thought' he/she was the beneficiary when in fact, they were not. Sometimes the money went to a person that absolutely loathed the insured and there wasn't a damn thing anyone could do about it. Whether by oversight or by design, a beneficiary is what it is at the time of the insured's death. Courts cannot overrule what is stated on the contract (most times) and the issuing insurance company does not ever buy into the "but I deserve it" or "It's not fair" pleas. It's a contract, pure and simple, and will be honored. If it isn't on paper, it's not real. I guess the questions to ask yourselves and then resolve center around this: What do you want to happen when you or I die? Who gets what? What happens if we both die at the same time? If you have minor children, who will get them? Will you keep them together or will they need to be split apart? Did you check with the folks you selected to care for them? Can they do it? Do they want to?? All of our kids have recently reached their majority. We redid all of our paperwork to reflect that. No matter what one chooses, revisit the paperwork every five years or so. Circumstances change and so should your arrangements to reflect those changes. Day to day finances: Both of our monthly incomes are remarkably the same so, we decided to pretty much share all expenses. Just as with the kids there is no 'your money' or 'my money' only 'our money'. We do have separate checking and savings account but that is just for convenience sake. We each have co-signer rights on the others accounts. We discuss spending a lot and if anyone wants to buy something above about $200 or so, we talk it out. This is easy for us as I said before as we have the same financial concerns. We co-own the house/cars/credit cards and mortgage, CDs, IRA and investments. It doesn't matter how you do it - this just works for us. But, you'd be wise to agree to some plan that works for both of you and stick to it. There's a lot more but this should get the mental gears turning. Take a deep breath and get started. There is much to talk about - actually it never stops. --End of old post - Best wishes and good luck - Mike

Your mother is right - do this immediately as someone upthread mentioned, no one knows what will happen or when. Do it all - guardianship of the children, will, trusts (if necessary), powers of attorney, funding for the care of the children - all of it. Depending on your situation and state laws you may need to get a professional involved. My late wife and I had it all in place before she died so when she passed, all I had to do was inform my lawyer what had happened and it was taken care of. I think it was only two weeks after she passed that my lawyer and I sat down and redid the portions of the plan that needed it. And right before I remarried, my fiancé and I went through the entire process again. It really helps to have the plan current in case the unspeakable occurs - and we all know it can. I need to find the old post where I wrote about what we did. It's a starting point for you. Good luck - Mike

First time I was referred to as a "gentleman" here. LOL. I didn't wear it that long though. I did that as a outward sign such that one of two things would happen; 1) Folks would instantly recognize I had lost someone recently or 2) Folks that were not familiar with the custom would ask me about it. That gave me the opportunity to tell them what had happened. Either way, the outcome was what I was after - people backed off and said and did the appropriate things. I also hung a black sash on the front door for a time for the same reasons. Mike

Exactly I'm not trying to be a PITA but if you use 'widow' incorrectly often enough in public, you WILL get called out on it by someone eventually. Unsurprisingly enough probably from a widow or widower. No one is trying to minimize your grief. But to apply a word to a situation that does not apply will cause confusion to the listener and you'll end up more unhappy that you already (rightfully) are. I understand you feel like you imagine a widow would feel. No one is trying to take that away from you. But please understand what your choice of status may mean to others that are. Best wishes - Mike

Yeah - ignore it. You can't live your life according to everyone else's ideas. Also, FB and social media (even here!) is not real life. Immature folks will be shitty online but possibly better in person. So, make an effort to remain decent to the Grandparents. Fear may be what is driving the crap. The Grands may fear losing out on visits from your kids since you have a new beau. Good luck - Mike

Those two ideas are not mutually exclusive. I had better luck dating after I learned to be happy by myself. Once that happened, I relaxed a ton and dates were more alot more fun. I eventually found my new love and life is grand. If that is what you want, it's out there for you. Good luck - Mike

I hear you SB. I'm at 10 years now. My life with T. was a lifetime ago. The boys have resisted all memory of her - but, to be fair, their memories of her (unlike your kids' experiences) were mostly negative. If I try real hard, I can recall certain experiences with my late wife, but they are more dreamlike than anything else. I have, and my boys have, gone on to live happily in the present with the occasional nod to what once was. It's sad but it is what it is. Best wishes - Mike

No one ever lies on their deathbed and says "I wish I spent more time at work." I would wager, most times, the regrets one has at the end of life revolve around personal relationships and what was done, or not done with the folks that are most dear to you. Good luck - Mike

Please accept my sympathies on the loss of your fiancé. Of course, your pain is very real and strikes you to your very core. But that is not what this is about. Use, or non use, of the widow label does not define your level of pain or grief. Having said that though, your mother is correct. Words have specific meanings (in all areas and subjects) and it is confusing, in this case, to society at large when you describe yourself as a widow if you were not married. That is probably your mother's issue with that label. It is, for me, similar to a person telling me they are a veteran. If you refer to yourself as such, I assume you were in the military at some point. But no one can enforce you to use any words to express yourself. Just don't be surprised if you get 'the look' at some point from someone. This board is unique in that the owners make no decision on whether or not anyone signing up and contributing is entitled to be here. Girlfriends/boyfriends, fiancé's or married folks that have lost their spouse are very welcome. Again, very sorry for your loss. Best wishes - Mike

Hey SB. Sorry to tell you - this can't be done. Assuming for a moment that your NG's ex is crazy, then it's the 'crazy' part that excludes this future relationship with the ex as a potential drama free one. Your only hope is to keep interactions to a minimum with her. But - if her craziness is limited to wild parting and slutty behavior and doesn't spill over onto you and NG, you may be able to simply ignore that. That's a big 'but' however. Good luck - Mike

Yes, they have very little interest in what you ask them to do. It isn't anymore complicated than that. As such, it will always be like pushing a piece of rope (or getting toothpaste back in the tube - pick your metaphor) to get to the point of which you consider a successful outcome. All of us do what we decide is most important to us. This is where many behavior modification schemes or techniques fall apart in my opinion. It seems it's not important enough for the girls to take it upon themselves to consistently follow your program. Whatever their thoughts are, their actions fit with what is important, or not, to them. If you can ID what truly drives each of them, then you can build your requested outcome using the driving forces within the girls' heads. And then, they'll consistently do what you ask without prodding. Rob, from my point of view, this isn't working for you and your girls. You are reduced to nagging. I won't share how I do it in detail being that this is your thread but it is all based the carrot and stick method. It works most of the time and, after the kids grow up, they love and respect me. When we are in the midst of it, not so much. My opinion is you need to institute some changes. Good luck Rob - Mike

I took my wedding ring off about a month after I was widowed. I started dating at about 4 months. Mike

Yes - I did what I thought was right. My late wife never would discuss such things so, as I said, I did what I thought was right. In my case, that was different from what I thought she would want. Good luck - Mike

Hi Ted - sorry to hear of the passing of your dear wife. You've come to the right place for advice - I'll be brief: STOP IT! You're trying to fill the emptiness left by your late wife's passing with a relationship. It's way too soon for that. Most likely you haven't fully processed your grief. This feeling of a need to reconnect is common - lots of us have felt it. But ignore it. It will pass and you have the rest of your life to seek and rebuild a romantic relationship with another. To jump into another one too soon is a recipe for disaster. If you choose to discount all I have said, fine - whatever. But then listen to what your new friend is telling you - slow down. Respect her wishes enough to do that. It will pay off in the end. Good luck buddy - Mike

I think it is safe to say most of us with children are/were more worried about the effects of the death of their parent on them than the effects on us. With a little luck, our children will be okay and live the lives we hoped they would have. I have four boys - two were adults and already out of the house when their mother passed. My two youngest were 9 and 10 at that time. Long story short - all is well with them. I did insist that they each go to a grief counselor for about a year after their mom's death. My wife took her own life by means of a GSW to the chest. She set up the situation such that my youngest was certain to discover her body. Naturally, both of them, but especially the youngest, were severely impacted. My youngest became mute for 3-4 months and would not leave my side. He reverted to exhibiting many behaviors of a toddler such as sticking his fingers under the bathroom door when I was in there. Stuff like that. Eventually, he returned to his old self and, as the years went by, experienced all the normal emotions and ups and downs of teenaged high school life. Both of the kids are doing fine now and have grown into normally adjusted young men without a hint of the horrors of their adolescence. They are 21 and 22 now - One in his final year of college and the other a missile technician on a Navy guided missile destroyer somewhere in the Pacific. Try not to worry too much. Support them as they need it over the years and encourage them to be bold and make their own lives. Best wishes - Mike

It's because the kids (and you do too if you are honest with yourself) think friends and boy/girlfriends are different. We all run the risk of appearing a tramp (women) or a player (men) if there are too many guys/gals involved. The sticky part of this is no one knows what the magic number of guys/gals is where you become, in your kid's minds, a tramp or player. So, 20 women being introduced to my boys may have put me into the doghouse. I don't know - I took the easy way out and limited it to one - a woman whom with I formed an serious relationship. As always, your mileage may vary. Good luck - Mike

Hey Jack - yeah, this all blows. Try to hang in there buddy. Best wishes - Mike