lcoxwell

I cannot tell you how much I enjoyed reading your post. I love stories like these, and I have always had a special place in my heart for good, patient men who are there, when needed. I am so happy that you have found one of these men, and I wish you all the best in your relationship. Good for you!

I am getting ready to face this very situation. In just over a month, I will be moving out of the house that Kenneth and I lived in for most of our married life, where we raised our children, and where we built so many memories. We were lucky to find this house, when we did, and it was just perfect for our family. Since he died, I have left his things mostly untouched, and I am going through so many mixed emotions about having to finally pack up. I, too, want to snap my fingers and have it go back to the way it was, just so I could see him and talk to him, once more.

I am another eternal optimist. No matter what life seems to throw at me, it is simply in my nature to look for something positive in the situation. Like you, I have a tendency to share more of the positive aspects of my life, than the negative ones. But as you said, there are days, when the blues just hit, and no matter how much I might want to sweep them under the rug or focus on the good in my life, the blues insist on being front and center. I am sorry you have those days. I am sorry we all do.

I would have to agree with SVS, that I miss the laughter, most of all. My Kenneth could laugh like no other, and if there wasn't something to laugh at, he would make up something - telling stories from his childhood, teasing with the kids, or making up inappropriate lyrics to songs. When he was laughing, he would draw people to him. If we were in a restaurant, he would pour on the charm for the waitresses. If we were in a doctor's office, he would reach over and grab my hand. If we were at home, he would be calling the kids in to joke with, or he would be picking up the phone to share the humorous thought with a family member. His smile could light up a room, his dimples would shine, and his eyes would twinkle with mischief. I really, really miss that.

You did a wonderful thing, for your childhood friend. It does seem, rather there is just a simple ceremony or an intricate one, the aftermath of death is so much work. Good for you, that you were there to help out and to do what you could. What you said about the bond with the widow. I think we can all understand that one. I know, when I met my New Guy, I felt that instant connection, too.

I may have found a temporary solution to my problem. If I can get my Pit Bull, Boo, registered as an emotional support animal, then I could get around the breed restrictions of an apartment. My recent documented medical issues - fibromyalgia pain, migraines, and the mild stroke - were all triggered by anxiety. I've also had a series of anxiety attacks, for which I am now taking medication. My Boo helps to reduce that anxiety, and she is a well behaved dog, when I can get her to stop hiding under the bed. From everything I have looked into, I think she and I would qualify. Of course, there is some cost involved in getting her registered, but it would be worth it. At some point, I will still have to find new homes for my two dogs, if I plan on a future with New Guy. The severity of his allergies will make it impossible for me to keep them, once we get married (which is the eventual plan, but we're not rushing into things). This solution would just allow me time to properly look for new homes for them, and would allow me more time with them. The truth is, right now, I am simply not yet ready to let them go.

It's that time of the week, once again, to tell us all about your Sexy evening. Now, if I had been checking in last weekend, I could have told you about the wonderful day I spent at the beach with New Guy, and about our dinner boat cruise and evening under the stars. Now THAT was a sexy evening. Alas, this week, my Saturday evening shall be anything, but sexy, as I am at home, where the temperatures hit a lovely 112 degrees outside, today. As is typical, the cooler decided to quit working, on the hottest day of the year, so far. Needless to say, it's nice and toasty in my abode and far too hot for anything sexy. Although.... I am half dressed, in order to keep as cool as possible. Maybe I am sexy, after all! ;D

It does hurt. Maybe it would be different, if they were nearby and I could have them over for a family dinner, from time to time. Instead, I will have two in Colorado, two in Wyoming, and two in North Carolina. The closest one is going to be about twelve hours away. I guess I am just feeling very alone and very isolated. With my move coming up, combined with the last one moving out, it's just beginning to really sink in that the life I had planned, the life I wanted for myself, is truly over.

I am sorry to hear this about your SIL, Joan. Life just doesn't seem fair, sometimes. I will be keeping all of you in my thoughts, and I am hoping that you will all find peace and comfort.

At one point in our lives, my Kenneth and I had 5 of our 6 kids living under our roof. One by one, they each grew up and moved out, beginning their own adult lives, until there was just one left at home - my youngest. That's how it should be. Since Kenneth died, though, I am feeling the emptiness of our house, more and more. In just over a month, I plan to move out of the house, that was so full of family, of life, and of love at one time. I will be moving to a new town and a new life. My youngest, who is now 19, has informed me that, when I move, he is not going with me. He plans to move across country, to be closer to our family there. For the first time in my life, I will be living completely on my own. I am proud that Kenneth and I raised such independent children, but it saddens me, too. I miss being a wife and a mother, with a house full of children. I miss my life.

^^^^ This sounds like something my Kenneth would have said, and it made me smile, thinking of him. Thank you for that! Now back to the OP.... Fortunately, early on, before we had decided what direction our relationship was going, my life with New Guy was quite separate from my day to day life, so I have never really had to offer explanations. My advice would be to do what is comfortable for you. Answer the questions, or don't. Personally, I like to answer other people's questions in an honest and straightforward way, and I don't feel the need to have some sort of short answer readily prepared. This works for me, but that kind of openness is not right for everyone. Other people prefer a little more privacy, and that's alright, too. Life is messy. Not everything can be placed into a nice, little, neat package or box. So what, if you don't know where things are going with your New Guy? So what, if you don't have a quick, short answer, when people ask? As long as what you have works for you, right now, that's all that really matters.

I will be perfectly honest. I live thousands of miles away from my family and closest friends, so I had to reach out for a support system. When I was feeling abandoned and alone, I would call friends and family, making sure to switch up who I was calling, so no one person had to sit and listen to me all the time. While on the phone, I tried to keep a balance between talking about me and asking questions about them. I also put time limits on my calls, so I could be sure I wasn't taking up too much of their time. Another thing I did was to make myself get out of the house, for something other than work or errands, at least one time a week. I joined a coworker and his friends for a concert at the local historical society, went to see the high school play, went out to eat, went to outdoor concerts, etc. If I did not feel like a big crowd, I would ask my teaching assistant to meet me for ice cream. The important thing was, I was getting dressed and out of the house. I was exploring my community, which could potentially lead to new interests or friendships. There weren't any support groups for young widows in my area, and the only local support group I could find met during the days, while I was at work. Fortunately, I found online support through YWBB, which has since shut down, but lead the way for this wonderful site. In all honesty, the wisdom and support I have found from this community of people has helped me more than any other one thing I could have done. By coming here to read and post, I have learned that crying in the drive thru at Burger King (or anywhere else) is perfectly normal, along with every other emotion and anxiety attack I have experienced. Me. Normal. Who knew? In all seriousness, you will find yourself dealing with a great deal of loneliness and isolation, because your partner in life is now gone. No one, and no amount of activities, will ever fill that void. I agree with Serpico, though. Try not to dwell on feelings of abandonment. Try to cut others a little slack. Allowing those negative feelings of hurt, betrayal, anger, etc. to consume you will only hurt you, in the long run.

I am with the other two, in that I agree that children are more resilient than we give them credit for, and that you have taken steps to do things in the right way. For what it is worth, I was attacked, and my first marriage ended, when my children were very young (oldest was 2 and youngest was 14 months). When I reached a point, where I was considering dating, it was important for me to see the interactions and to know that any man I might consider having a long term relationship with was comfortable with my children. I dated one man for two and a half years, and though it did not work out in the end, both my children still remember him fondly. I don't agree with parading multiple dating partners in and out of children's lives, but you have been seeing this man for over a year and your son is young. I say, go enjoy the trip. Let your son have a good time. As you mentioned, you have worked out space issues, if it is needed. If it were me (and one time it was), I would want to know sonner, rather than later, if my child and my partner were going to get along for more than just an hour or two. I would want to observe the interactions, so I would know if there are any red flags to consider.

I am so proud of you, and all you have done/are doing to make a better life for you and your son. You can do this!

Maybe I am an oddball (or maybe I have been fortunate to find good men in both my Kenneth and my New Guy), but I much prefer dating now to dating in my 20s. There's just something about being with a "grown up" man in his 40s, who has his act together, and who knows what he wants in life, that truly just "does it", for me. Admittedly, I also have more confidence and make smarter decisions about who I date now, than when I was in my 20s, so that helps, too. I agree with what Sugarbell said. Maybe what you and your New Guy need in a relationship are two different things, and maybe it isn't in his make up to give you what you need and want. Then again, maybe you were just having a bad day, as you said, and it caused you to question things. It happens. If we are all honest, even in the very best of relationships and marriages, no spouse or significant other can give us 100% of what we need, 100% of the time. Only you can truly know what's right for you, but my advice would be to look at whether New Guy meets your needs and gives you what you want MOST of the time. If so, then maybe it isn't time to walk away, just yet. If not, then maybe what you said, "I don't see him as my next chapter", tells you all you need to know.

I would have to go with taking a risk, since I took a risk when I met my Kenneth online and moved across the country to be with him. Best decision of my life! Home repairs: Try to do a home repair you have never done on your own before, or pay someone else to do it?

I would have to say that my most treasured possession is Kenneth's black cowboy hat. He was wearing it in the first picture I ever saw of him (and he sure looked good in that picture ).He wore it to our wedding, and you can see him wearing it in my profile picture. Kenneth also wore that hat in every other picture we ever had made, professionally. My Kenneth truly loved that black cowboy hat. For thirteen years, he talked about being buried in that hat, unless I chose to cremate him. For thirteen years, I promised him I would. When the time came, though, I just couldn't bear to part with it. It's the one promise I didn't keep, but I think he would understand and forgive me for it.

While I am still feeling frustrated, that I am no longer able to walk/run a couple miles a day or go hiking on mountain trails with New Guy (since having that mild stroke); I am happy to report that I am being "promoted" to the next level in my physical therapy. Now, instead of standing on my one weak leg for 15 seconds x 1 time/session, I get to stand on my one weak leg for 15 seconds x twice/session. It's progress, anyway. :-\

I am so very, very sorry that you have a reason to be here, but I am glad you found us. The people here are good people, who provide support, advice, listening ears, and cyber hugs. Come here, whenever you feel the need. Feel free to post as often as you would like. Take one day, one hour, one minute at a time; because some days, that will be all you can do. The most helpful advice that was given to me early on, was to just breathe. I cannot tell you how many people gave me that piece of advice. Everywhere I turned, someone was telling me to "just breathe", including a widowed coworker, who would ask me if I was remembering to breathe, every time we passed each other a work. At first, I thought that was a ridiculous piece of advice. For one thing, I wasn't sure I wanted to "just breathe", if breathing kept me alive and without my Kenneth. My next thought was that, obviously, I was "breathing", or else I wouldn't be here, talking, reading, posting, doing my job, etc. In my mind, that advice was not the advice I wanted to hear. What I wanted to hear was how to make the pain go away. Here's what I found out, though. When the waves of grief come crashing down, when anxiety is overtaking me, and when I am overwhelmed with life, taking a moment to just breathe a few slow, deep, concentrated breaths, in which I was just focusing on breathing in and breathing out, helped bring a sense of calm. I found that having just a moment of calm could sometimes make all the difference in the world. Anyway, I am sending you a great, big, cyber hug and hoping that being here will help you, just as much as it has helped me. This place, and these people, have helped me start to put the pieces of my life back together, for which I shall be eternally grateful. Hopefully, this place and these people can do the same for you.

I am sorry you had such a horrible dream. For some reason, it reminded me of one of the worst arguments my Kenneth and I had, in our 13 years together. He dreamed, once, that I had cheated on him. He woke up extremely angry with me, even though he knew I hadn't actually done anything wrong. He then picked the argument with me, making me late for work. When I got a ticket for speeding, since I was trying not to be too late for work, he got even angrier and spent an entire week dragging the argument out, due to the unseasonable anger he was feeling. At the time, it was a terrible, horrible argument that made no sense, at all. Later on, he and I would look back and laugh about it. That man threatened to divorce me over a dream, can you believe that? For years, he would tell me that he wanted a divorce, and I would laugh and tell him I had heard that before. lol Sorry to hijack your thread. I really am sorry about the nightmare and how it has left you feeling, but I do want to sincerely thank you for triggering the memories of laughing about that stupid argument.

So much of what you said just seems to resonate with me right now - even down to knowing intellectually that you didn't fail, yet during the deepest days of despair still feeling as though you did. I feel this sometimes, too. I agree with Jen. There are no set rules about the ring; and even if you set a personal goal, there's nothing wrong with changing your mind. If it brings you any sense of peace or comfort at all, feel free to leave it right where it is.

I am sorry you are feeling down today. It just sucks, doesn't it? Things like this happen all the time, for me. I will have an "off" day, for no apparent reason. Then, when I look back I realize that this was the day when.... Some advice that truly helped me out was the advice to allow myself to grieve on days like today. Set aside some time, just for you, so that if you need to cry it out, you can. If you don't need quiet time for crying, then take the time to reflect on the memories and acknowledge them. If nothing else, take some time to just breathe. Focus on taking those deep, concentrated, calming breaths, that always seem to make one feel better, even if the idea of sitting and breathing sounds silly. ((((Hugs))))

Congratulations! I am so happy for you!

Thanks for the update. I will be continuing to pray.

In the last couple of days, I have been thinking about the fact that I seem to be on three month cycles, where I will go through a period of time, when I can sleep ever so slightly longer (only waking up 3 or 4 times a night, instead of hourly) and when I feel I am handling my life and my grief just little bit better than a was a few weeks before. Then, about once every three months, I have a couple of weeks of downward spiraling, where I have difficulty sleeping, and where the grief comes crashing down on my head and I am drowning in it. I was sitting here dwelling on those thoughts, when a sudden realization occurred to me. During the final few years of life, Kenneth seemed to be on a three month cycle, where he would make some improvements and would be doing a little better, then would take a turn for the worse and end up in the hospital for a few weeks or a month. The thought occurred to me, that maybe I had developed a rhythm of life, I which once every three months, or so, my body naturally goes into crisis mode. My three month cycles seem to be corresponding with his three months cycle timeline. Now I am curious. Have any of the rest of you experienced anything similar to this?