lcoxwell

Reliving Kenneth's final week was something I did every month, on the 3rd-10th, but I wanted to somehow try to turn the sad memories around, as I headed into the final week, leading up to the one year anniversary. I ended up paying tribute to his memory, by writing about each of those days here and on ywbb. Writing about what happened, and reflecting on the memories, helped me to survive the one year anniversary of his death and the week leading up to it. It was healing, for me to just get it out and to share it with people, who would understand.

I get this. Out of desperation, I went to the grocery store to pick up just a few items today. I've been to the grocery store many times without him, both before and after my Kenneth died. Maybe it was struggling with my own health issues and the fact that I was having to work so hard, just to walk down the aisle, but when I saw the sale sign on cherries, I immediately started crying. My Kenneth loved fresh cherries, and it was one of the last things I ever bought him to eat.

I agree with the others in saying that it is shocking and appalling that the man, who did this to your family, did not get more of a sentence. I also agree with everyone, in saying that I am happy you are healing as well as you are, now. ((((Hugs))))

It's that time of the week to bump this thread back to the top, ladies and gentlemen. So please, tell us about your Saturday evening, which is, hopefully, far more exciting than mine, at the moment. I am spending my evening texting with New Guy, since I can't go see him. My arms are lovely shades of purples, blues, yellows, and greens, and I look like a sad, little pi?ata, from all the IVs and drawing of blood in the last few days. Since I can't go out, I am sitting at home watching Netflix; and since I am having trouble stomaching food, I am eating chicken and jello. So far, the sexiest part of my evening was posting in the real sex thread. C'mon, you guys are jealous of all the excitement in my life, aren't you? ;D

Virgo, I will gladly relinquish Joe to you. I don't need a man, who is better looking than I am. I just need an average, normal man, with working parts and a desire to make me feel really good.

In many ways, reading your post was like you were describing my own story, at three months out. I, too, was isolated from the nearest city, and my family and friends were thousands of miles away. I hadn't developed nearby friendships, due to having to spend so much time taking care of my terminally ill husband. I am sorry you have a reason to join us, but I am happy that you found us. There are some truly incredible people here, who are always willing to advise, encourage, support, and listen, when needed. You won't find a better group of widows/widowers anywhere. Please, do your best to take care of yourself. Eat when you can, sleep when you can, and try to exercise. Take one day, one hour, one minute at a time, if necessary. Most of all, just remember to breathe.

Things happened very quickly, for me, much quicker than I had originally expected. I met New Guy at two months out and started seeing him at about three months out. We've been together about a year now, and I am currently making plans to move closer to him, so we can spend more time together. How did I know? Everything about my relationship with New Guy has been simple and easy, and just felt "right". Our conversation is comfortable and engaging; we easily fall into a natural rhythm when we do things together, such as cooking in the kitchen or working in the yard; and our physical chemistry is incredible. I think I truly knew a few months into the relationship, when it occurred to me he was in love with me, but was afraid to tell me. He's the first man I have ever said "I love you" to first, before he said it to me. Do I feel guilty? Sometimes, I do, but not for finding love again. My Kenneth desperately wanted me to have love in my life, after he was gone. I feel guilty, because I learned certain lessons from life with Kenneth and from Kenneth's death, which have made me far more open and expressive with my love, now. Those lessons have made me a much better partner, and I wish Kenneth could have been loved as openly, and with such abandon, as I am able to love New Guy. I also feel guilty about finding love again so easily, when I know there are others in our Widda community struggling in this area, and I want so badly for them to be loved, too.

Swilson, you are such a hoot! ;D

Oh, Sweetie! I hope you get your dog, or at the very least, I hope he finds a really good home and you find an even better dog that will be perfect for you. Being an avid dog lover, I get crying over one.

I am so happy for you, that you have noticed that change in your grief. I found a wonderful new man, too, and I often question whether I am feeling relieved or guilty, too. I say, enjoy your new man and embrace all the joy and happiness you can find. Life is far too short to be miserable.

I made it home! They are sending home health in and have ordered outpatient physical therapy to build up my strength again. I won't get to work my final week at school, which makes me a little sad, but I might get to at least go to the 8th grade promotion ceremony, if I am feeling up to it (I have someone willing to drive me). I am also going to miss out on plans New Guy and I had had for the three day weekend, which also makes me sad; however, it is so good to be in my own bed; wearing clean underwear and real pajamas, instead of hospital gowns and the undies I was air-lifted in; and cuddled up to my furry, four-legged critters again. Now, if I just didn't feel like I was going to throw up, every time I moved, I would be a happy camper.

With my little unexpected trip to the hospital this week, I have had some extra time on my hands, time I have used in reflection. My New Guy has been absolutely incredible and supportive through all of this, for which I am so grateful. As many of you know, I met New Guy VERY early on, after Kenneth died. Some might have said (and one close friend did insinuate) that I might have gotten involved with another man too soon. New Guy has been there for me, every step of the way, though, and I could not have asked for a more thoughtful and patient man, as he has given me the room I needed to do the hard work of grieving. In my little forced reflection, I realized I was spending more time thinking about my future, than my past, and I came to the conclusion that I did do the work necessary to deal with my grief. I did not rush into a relationship to avoid dealing with the loss. To the contrary, in the last year, I have done all the "right" things - I've seen a grief counselor; leaned on my Widda community; turned to friends and family for support; read the Bible; prayed; gone to church; exercised; took time to take care of myself (okay, that I partially did); leaned into the grief, when necessary; and pulled myself up and took care of life's necessities, like work and bills, when I had to. New Guy has been a significant part of my life, for about a year now. Recently, I have been making plans and taking steps toward leaving my life with Kenneth behind and toward a future with New Guy. As I have discussed my future with New Guy, and with my Mother, I have come to the conclusion that I am ready to let Kenneth go. I am ready to think of him and to honor his memory, but I no longer feel that my identity is as Kenneth's wife, or even primarily as his widow. As I was lying in the hospital bed this morning, reading momtojandj's "Simple Statement" post, "Never forget your past, embrace your future" (that quote was "powerful" for me, too, so I had to steal it), it occurred to me I am ready to embrace the future. I do not belong to Kenneth any more. I belong with New Guy. This might have been asked before, but I am medicated, so please forgive me, if I am repeating this. For those of you, who have moved forward into new relationships, in terms of a relationship, how do you identify yourselves? Do you still think of yourselves as the husband or wife of your DW/DH, do you think of yourselves as widows/widowers, or do you think of yourselves more in terms of your new significant other? At what point did you stop thinking of yourselves as the other half of a couple with your DH/DW? I am very curious about this.

Okay, I have spent the last three days in bed, feeling tingly all over, and being poked and prodded, and there was not a bit of sex to be had in any of it. If it weren't for the fact that half my body is numb, I could use a really good, old fashioned roll in the hay, if for no other reason than to make sure all my parts still work.

I'm glad that you were able to find his son, but am so sorry for the grief it is causing you. I hope you are able to meet, and that you can find some peace in meeting Spencer.

This is so perfectly stated. Love it!

I so get this! My Kenneth was supposed to die 12-13 years before he actually did. He beat the odds so many times, I had started joking he would probably outlive all of us. And then, he reached a point where he got tired of fighting and ran out of extra chances, and I had no time for "anticipatory grieving". Denial served me well for 13 years, though.

In the fourteen months that I have been a member of this community and reading your posts, I have grown to have nothing but respect for you. I really have no words of comfort, but wanted you to know that you will make it through this anniversary, as you have other anniversaries before. I know it sucks, and I am so sorry you didn't even get to celebrate one anniversary with your Alex.

I think Maureen and Trying both said it perfectly. I just want you to know, that I can understand the questioning and self-blame. The reality is, I think we all, or nearly all of us, have some sort of regrets or self-doubts. Truth is, even if we made different decisions, there are no guarantees that the outcome would have been any different. Rather than seeing that there were no guarantees, rather than seeing that we made the best decisions we could, with the knowledge, information, and life circumstances that we had at the time, I think it is sometimes easier to give in to the blame game. I agree with Trying, you are good enough. You did your best then, and you are likely doing your best now. Try to be kind to yourself, and try to realize that self-doubt and self-blame, while normal, does no one any good. Your husband loved you for a reason. Try to remember that.

After spending most of Wednesday in the ER and Wednesday night/all day Thursday in the ICU, I was moved to a regular room last night. Two days ago, they were talking about sending me to a rehabilitation hospital, once I get out of here. Now, they are talking about sending me home, possibly even today, because I am doing so well. I have left side weakness, nausea, and a killer migraine. My blood pressure and heart rate have been a little low, too, but I still have my sense of humor, so life ain't all bad! I would especially like to thank you all for the prayers and positive thoughts. Once again, you all have managed to keep me going, when life gets hard. You all are an amazing group of people, that I am proud to have in my life.

On the anniversary of Kenneth's death, I didn't make a big deal out of the day. Mine and Kenneth's life together was a quiet and simple life, without much fanfare on the important days. On the sadiversary, I went into work, like usual, then stopped by his grave for a while, after school let out. It was helpful to just have some quiet time with him. The other thing that was helpful was to come here and write about his final day.

Honey nut, all the way! Since I am in the hospital.... Itchy IV, that makes it difficult to get comfortable, or needing to go to the bathroom, but can't get there by yourself without setting off bed alarms and causing a ruckus?

I managed to walk to the bathroom and back to my hospital bed with minimal assistance this morning. Hey! It's the little things that make a difference, right?.

I get that wifely feeling, from time to time, and can understand why it would reduce you to tears. I wish you could have your Chad back, and that the triggers didn't have to be there. (((Hugs)))

Well, I started my day with an unexpected ambulance ride to the ER, followed by a critical care helicopter ride to another hospital. They are admitting me for a possible stroke. Right now, my vitals are good and I am stable, but it looks like I will be staying in the hospital for a day, or two. Please keep me in your prayers.

Are you sure we aren't long lost relatives, or sharing a brain? Maybe you've been spying on me from afar (and if so, I am sorry things are so boring in my corner of the world)? At any rate, you can exchange Kenneth's name for Scott's, and you just described my life, minus the whole gardening thing. Instead of gardening, I managed changing wiper blades on my truck, topping off the oil, and replacing the engine coolant.