SoVerySad

Adding tight hugs for you as well, Quixote. "But no happy thoughts can banish the awful truth that the best person I've ever known, someone who was the center of my existence (and crazily enough, me of hers) is gone forever and never coming back." Yes, that is very well said as a representation for how I feel as well. It is that "never" that is the hurdle I can't seem to get over. Sometimes I feel like I'm down to trying to gnaw my way through that hurdle and even that doesn't work. I'm sorry you can't take the medications with your work, particularly if they could help you find some relief.

KeepTrying, There is nothing wrong with you. Just because an approach works for one person, does not mean it will work for another. If another's approach doesn't yield the same results for you, it doesn't mean you have failed in any way. That's why it is so important that we don't compare ourselves to each other in the respect of who is grieving "more positively" or not, etc.. Our relationships were all so individual, as are our lives as wids. Some people have a lot of help and support. Others have none, etc.. If it was truly as easy as just choosing to be happy, at least 95% of us would do it I feel safe in guessing. I can't see that many of us would choose the misery so many of us still feel. I usually look at it this way when it comes to the happiness issue - like you, I'm not choosing to be unhappy. For me, it is an important distinction. I'm not choosing to remain unhappy. I'm putting in the time and work to find more happiness. I haven't given up. But, despite my efforts, I remain really sad that my husband isn't here with me. I miss him. I'm lonely for his touch, his winks, his silly antics that brightened up my day, his help in making decisions, his chest to lay my head on, his perfect over easy eggs, etc.. My world is darker and more tiring without him. Apparently my grieving his loss is just taking me longer than it has taken some others. And I'm not viewing that as a failure. It speaks to the relationship we shared, which was uniquely ours. Sending you tight hugs, KT, and some for your beautiful children as well.

April, From reading his request, it doesn't sound like his intent is to exploit your situation. I suspect their goal is to put faces of real people and the lives they lived to that statistic of 22 veteran suicide deaths a day. Numbers are easy for some not to really think about, but a person's story really can be more effective at making people stop and think. I believe the request was well-meaning, but as we know even people who mean well say things that are hurtful or make clear they don't understand your feelings. That said, you are completely within your right to decline. It must be what you are comfortable with. If you feel your husband wouldn't want you to participate, by all means declining is the right choice for you. You shouldn't feel bad in any way for not wanting to participate. You hold no responsibility to share your story to increase awareness. It is you, your children, and your husband's story. Period. One thing on the being pitied issue. I've been working with my daughter on this issue as she doesn't like to let anyone know her father died, because she doesn't want to be pitied. At some point, the term pity seems to have taken on a negative connotation. The dictionary defines it as "the feeling of sorrow and compassion caused by the suffering and misfortunes of others". I've tried to help her see that her friends showing compassion to her for what she's been through isn't a negative thing. I definitely feel great compassion for you and your children, especially in that your husband suffered so much as a result of serving our country and working to keep my family safe. I don't feel that because I think you or he are/was weak in any way. I'm sorry for the torment he lived with and the sadness left for you and your children. You are strong and making your way through it. I just wish you'd never been put into the situation in the first place. Tight hugs...

Well, your thread title had me nodding my head before I even opened it. I, too, want to congratulate you on finishing your degree. That is a big accomplishment for anyone, but as a solo parent still grieving, it truly is impressive. My ability to concentrate just to work with my son on his homeschooling has been awful. Would your field of employment you are seeking have any employers that have childcare onsite as a benefit? If so, perhaps you could try to get a job there? I think having your child spend some time with your in-laws could help you and him both. He'll probably enjoy being with them and they'll enjoy it as well. You can get a little more rest, which it seems like you are in desperate need of with working, studying, and being a solo parent. With a little more rest, you may feel more ready to get your applications out there. Regarding the childcare subsidy, would dropping back to working 5 days allow you to qualify? I know it may seem counterintuitive when you need money, but I'm wondering if the ability to qualify for the subsidy would offset the loss of the extra work day pay? That might at least get you headed to where you can find the job you hope to get since completing your degree. Just a few suggestions. I recently started counseling. My counselor told me it is no wonder I have been so exhausted and depressed given all that has happened to me since my husband died. It felt so good to have her say that - to have someone acknowledge how much effort I've expended. I also am in that same place of worrying about what/when the next negative thing will happen as it seems I've been stuck in that pattern. She asked me what good the worrying had done? She was right. It didn't stop anything from happening, just consumed precious energy. I should have already learned that lesson in that I worried for years my husband would die and he did. The worrying didn't help prevent it, but it did rob me of time I could have spent enjoying my life then more. I'm trying to remind myself of that, but it will take a while for me to break that behavior. You really have laid the groundwork for things to get better it seems. Hopefully that will happen for you soon. Sending you encouragement and tight hugs...

What a sweet coincidence, Trying. It touched me so much when I found them.

I'll send positive thoughts they felt like they had a found their home!

Yes, I hope my kids stay as long as they'd like, at least that's how I feel now. Yes, he's a great kid, as is my daughter. Thanks for the sweet replies.

Taurus, I have tons of pictures of my husband with our kids. Because I was always behind the camera. I'm not in many of the pics. It will someday look to my kids like they were raised by a single father. Everywhere I go now, when I see parents taking turns taking pics with their children, I stop and offer to take one of them all together. It makes me feel good to know they'll have those pics of them all in them. I do really treasure the pictures I have. I made two display boards of photos for his memorial service. I was struck by how happy he looked in all those pictures. I felt like he had lived a really happy life, despite it being cut way too short. There is only one picture where he wasn't smiling. It was from Disneyworld, apparently later in the day. My son appeared to be throwing a fit, my daughter was in a too much Disney daze, and he had a look on his face that seemed to be questioning me if we could please go home. It was such a contrast to all the smiley ones, I had to include it. I framed the boards and they're hanging in my hallway. They are a daily reminder of how blessed I was and I've reached the place where I rarely cry looking at them now. When I went thru my husband's wallet after he died, I found these aged piture strips of the two of us from a photo booth on the boardwalk at the beach from when we were just dating. He had carried them with him for close to 30 years. I wish I could go back to the day they were taken and lives our lives all over again.

I'm keeping those positive thoughts coming, Jess!

I'm so sorry, Grace. If it becomes an issue with the new employer, I would tell them some what you said here (without the expletives ). I would say that yes, you have been thru a sad trauma in your past which when you are asked to talk about it specifically sometimes results in tears, however it has not affected your job performance as evidenced by.... listing your accomplishments. I would also tell them that going thru difficult experiences often results in unexpected positive growth such as developing an ability not to get hung up on small things (plus anything else that you feel are essential skills for your new job that would make sense). I'm hoping your new employer will see past an experience that happened to you and see you for what you can do for their company now. In fact, I might even say that in some format you can probably figure out better than me. We are all sums of our past experiences, but you can assure them you are an accomplished, hard worker who will be an asset to their company. You can do it, Grace. You're a kickass woman. Don't let that doctor get you down. You know what you've been through and the strength you have that has pulled you forward. Tight hugs and good luck!!

Sending you lots of good vibes!!!

Sometimes they can really push your buttons. Yet sometimes they can really warm your heart. Yesterday my son asked if I was okay. I assured him I was just a little exhausted from my counseling session Monday. I told him it had given me a lot to think about. He asked me about my session, as I actually attend his sessions with him. I told him we are setting goals for me to work on. One is to realize it isn't my job to make others happy. He responded with something like you mean how you are so empathetic? I said yes. My son responded, "Mom, I don't want you to change. You care more about people than anyone else I've ever known. It is one of the things I love most about you." I love that boy (almost man) of mine.

Alexswife, honey, I am so sorry you are hurting so much. You are correct in all the reasons you have listed why your loss of Alex is so hard to understand. I'm so sorry you didn't get to live out the plans and dreams you were so looking forward to. I wish I could lessen the pain for you somehow. Sending you my love and very tight hugs...

Yay, you even got assigned to them today? Great!! Please add some cuddles from me. I'm glad you're feeling the happiness, Jen! Tight hugs and love...

I'm with all the others on this one, I don't think you need to say anything else to your son. He simply stated his reality. For a boy his age, I think it was fine. While another child may find it shocking, because it is out of the norm, sadly it is your son's norm. Hugs...

I'm sorry you are under such a time pressure to get things ready to show the house rather than your original plans to be gentle to yourself for the day. Just do the best you can. I'm odd in that I think a home that looks like someone lives in it vs a sterile, pristine environment can appeal to some searching for a home. They've already met you in your pjs, so they know you live there. Just focus on the best features you'd like to highlight. Good luck with the showing! And tight hugs for the day itself....

Oh, honey, I understand. I have felt the same way so many times, particularly in the earlier months you are in. The pain is so great that you just feel like you can't handle another minute. In time that really searing pain you are feeling now gets a little softer, but I realize that isn't a help right now when you feel like you can't take another minute. I'm sending you a private message, so check your message box, okay? Sending you the tightest of hugs...

Taurus, I had to smile when you mentioned youtube being a resource to helping you complete tasks your wife normally did. I am in the reverse, but same position. My teenage son and I have referenced youtube on many occasions to figure out how to do tasks my husband always did. We've changed the furnace filters, fixed the toilet and garbage disposal. We even changed a lock set on the kitchen door after the lock broke and locked us out of the house. I found out how to open a locked door using a credit card on there and was successful at it so we could at least get in the house. I am so appreciative of the people who post how-to videos on there. I wonder if they have any idea how helpful they are to widows/widowers suddenly thrust into new job descriptions without any training.

Sending you a tight hug, Taurus. I can relate to so much of your post, especially how raw that one year mark felt. I think subconsciously I thought if I made it to a year, I'd be rewarded in some way for my endurance. Then the reality that nothing had changed in that my husband T was still gone hit me full force. I've spent the last 3 years living completely for my children. It is what has gotten me through each day. I am just now starting to find ways to begin to live my life for me - to get an idea of who I might be able to put together from these shards of myself I have left. The loss of a spouse is terribly difficult. We each find our way to keep living in our own ways and within our own timeframes. I wish you and your daughters didn't have to endure the pain. More hugs...

April, I'm so sorry for the dynamics that occurred within your family just prior to your husband's death. Clearly it has been very hard for all of you. I fully understand why you view the ultimatum you rightly stated as a last resort effort to encourage your husband to get help for the good of your family may have been the catalyst that caused your husband to take the action he did, but it is too great of a burden to take upon yourself. You were putting your children first out of necessity, while hoping you could reach your husband through the PTSD to see how essential his participating in treatment was. No one should fault you for that - not even yourself. Ultimately it was his decision despite you having done your best to make it all work out for your family. I just got back from my counseling where we're working on me letting go of all the worrying I do all the time, because in truth I can't control things. I'm not in charge of the choices of others. I worried myself literally sick over my husband's declining health and he died anyway. Your husband's reaction to the circumstance he was in was not your fault. You couldn't control the choice he made. It is a terrible tragedy that has left you all in a lot of pain. Pointing blame is pointless as it can't change the outcome. Perhaps his PTSD was too deeply rooted to allow him to make better choices for himself. Unfortunately, you couldn't control that either. I truly am sorry for all you, your kids, and your husband have been through. I'm sorry to have used the term abusive. I did misunderstand your earlier post in that respect. I understand better that it was more of an issue of him putting you and your children in an untenable situation by not seeking the treatment he needed. You did what was needed for the best interest of your kids. Tight hugs...

I didn't get the idea that your husband had been really abusive to you at all. You don't strike me as someone who would have continued to put up with that, which you confirmed by mentioning your first marriage. I believe all that you have written. I'm glad you have reached this level of understanding and approach to your situation. No one should feel guilty about finding happiness again.

I understand the scariness as well. I, too, feel like I could never find that level of being connected with another person again. But then, we were together for 30 years starting dating when I was 16 years old. I'm too old now to ever have that time of years to build the connection we shared. In addition, I have some health issues that I'm pretty sure no one else would be interested in taking on even if I were to find someone who found me desirable. I recently took my kids to the beach my husband and I went to for years, both before and after adopting our kids. I didn't realize before going that the trip would unleash so many feelings I had been just keeping in check about the intimacy we shared no longer being part of my life. I've pretty much just focused on my kids and health issues. Being at "our" beach brought back memories of walking hand in hand on the beach, taking the boom box down to the beach at night and dancing together on the sand, and having him sneak up behind me while I was taking in the beauty of the ocean view from the balcony and wrapping his arms around me and kissing my neck. The ache at not having those things again was piercing. I had to lock myself in the bathroom with the shower and fan running in hopes the kids wouldn't hear my sobbing. We were still able to have a good time and my kids are anxious to go back. Me, not too soon, although I still love that beach very much.

LTSL, you do belong here. Please don't give up on a possible source of support. Your sensitivity is a gift and I've already seen signs of you using it to reach out to others despite being in such pain yourself. We need you here. You are not too sensitive. I've been here (well here and the predecessor to it) for probably close to three years now. I can assure you the supportive people outnumber the judgmental ones. I've been quite publically ridiculed a few times for offering cyber hugs to other members. I still do it, except for those I know have stated it bothers them. I don't turn down hugs of any type since I've been become a widow, because I enjoyed them on a regular basis before, so I'm suffering from a serious deficit of them now. Tatiana, your post was perfectly appropriate and yes, your husband should be here with you now raising your sweet baby together. Of course, you feel it is unfair. It is unfair and tragic. No harm comes from acknowledging it. April, I'm sorry that you weren't always treated well in your marriage. I read your comment about not understanding why you and your children were not enough to keep your husband from taking his own life. I have not been in your situation, but I know others here who have been and felt the same as you. Maybe they can chime in to offer support. You might even want to share you feelings about that by starting another thread under the "Special Circumstances" sub-forum as more people who are SOS follow that sub-forum. I don't think the issue was in any way that you weren't enough to keep your husband here. I suspect given his challenges with the PTSD that he believed you would be better off without him. Of course, that isn't true, but he likely was too ill to be thinking clearly. I'm so sorry he suffered so much from the PTSD. Tight hugs to each of you...

Milojka, I don't think doing something that helps you to deal with things better is selfish. While my desire to work in Guatemala is genuine, I also have a counselor who is stressing to me the need to take care of myself and deal with my loss instead of always trying to take care of others. So, in that sense, she's right that I need to get myself better before I can do much of anything except just keep afloat. I understand the emotional loneliness you describe all too well.

Welcome, AubreeAnn. I'm so sorry for your loss. I know those questions you're talking about are normal after such a loss. Given the loss itself was out of our control, I think we look to the things we did have control over to try to deal with it or as a lens to think about it through. I also think we wish we'd have fitted more of those things in as the time we had together was cut so short. But we had no way to know that was coming. Your love was with you for a reason, because you showed him love and filled the needs he had. Please try not to place doubt on yourself when there is no reason to do so. It is normal to do so, I realize. Sending you a tight hug and understanding...