SoVerySad

Thank you all for sharing your situations and thoughts. Twin_mom, I really get your post. My daughter told me she didn't really even think about the fact that her Dad wasn't there. She's gotten used to it being just her brother and me. On one hand I am glad that it doesn't cause her as much pain. On the other hand, like you, I felt the sting of her dad not being there being nothing out of the ordinary for her now.

Mike, I didn't misunderstand you in the way you think I did. I find nothing wrong in pointing out that life is unfair. Trust me, I learned very early on that life isn't fair. Still, there is nothing wrong with a person sharing their pain that comes from the unfairness that we know exists in the world. The term whining has a really judgmental negative aspect to it. If you are in the position of being able to compartmentalize anything that happens to you as just the realistic result of an unfair world, that is good for you. I genuinely mean that. I'm not a black and white person. I find degrees of "unfairness" if you will. Hard ass approaches can benefit a person, but so can tea and sympathy (and even virtual hugs ;p ), even if it might not benefit you personally. We all respond differently. There is no one on this board, even some members with whom I have established relationships and real friendships outside this community, whom I feel I know enough about their life experiences and all they are going through to see myself taking a hard ass approach to someone else here. The training you may have received might work for some and not others. I don't believe much of the mental health community would support the notion that one approach to treatment will best benefit everyone. You may want to view the members here who haven't been through professional mental health training as being less qualified to respond to posts than you with your training, but there is value in experience as well as training. It is why support groups for so many situations exist and why we look for both education and experience in filling job positions. We may not have degrees in mental health, but we've earned honorary degrees in understanding having the challenges of being widowed at a young age thrust upon you. I recently started counseling and I can tell you that the counselor I was assigned to would differ greatly from your approach, just as my other healthcare providers differ from each other and sometimes hold opposing opinions on what treatment plan would be best. I don't see our roles here as professional counselors in any way. I feel we're here to provide a safe place for someone to share their honest feelings, to offer support and understanding if we feel moved to do so. Even if your assessment about one person's situation seems fitting, there are likely many others reading posts here none of us know anything about, because they don't feel comfortable posting. Some may likely never do so if they feel this is an unsafe place to do so. That saddens me when I know the important role this forum and the ywbb played in my recovery thus far. I have had plenty of perhaps well-meaning family and friends in my real life who act horrified if I share what's on my mind at times. Having this safe space to do so has meant a lot to me. Even my counselor has told me she cannot fully grasp the anguish I've been through as she has never been widowed herself, but she will do her very best to help me sort out my feelings and reorganize my thoughts to find the best path forward I can find. I'm not saying you shouldn't share with others what has worked for you or suggestions that may be helpful. I really just only took issue in classifying people as "7 year old whiners" for stating their struggling with the unfairness of life. While unfairness exists, it doesn't mean it doesn't suck or that there be an expectation that everyone just needs to find it acceptable and get over it. For some that may take longer than for others, and years later the sense of unfairness may revisit with events and triggers for some people. I do appreciate the discussion of differing thoughts. I recently realized that actual real discussion with others on greater than superficial issues is lacking in my life since my husband's death. Take care...

Good for you for doing what has helped you feel alive again. I'm sure it took a lot of courage. I have two children here to care for, so I'm tied to them for the immediate future. If I weren't, I have imagined going to their country of birth (we adopted them from Guatemala) to work with missionary groups there caring for orphaned children or with a medical mission friends operate there.

Portside, I really wish you'd have just stated your opinion without adding this statement: "I’d be ashamed to admit such feelings if I had them." I find it to be inappropriate in this forum where we try to provide a place for people to share what they are feeling. No one should be shaming another for doing that here, IMO. Who are you to say what is right for another to feel? And if people add that they feel the same as another, that is their right as well. I think if your positive approach to looking at the situations you've faced in your life has worked for you, it is wonderful. You've found what works for you and that has clearly served you well. It is good for you to post your experience as often as you would like to as someone else might benefit from it. But telling another member they should be ashamed of sharing their feelings is reckless when you have no clue what unique experiences the person has had in their lives and is currently going through. There is no one size fits all approach to anything in life. I suspect we approach life very differently. I don't think you are wrong in your approach. You don't have to be wrong, for me to believe my approach is right for me. Each person needs to find what works best for them. April, depression is not a choice. People who are depressed are not just choosing to "be sad". It is a real medical condition, just as other conditions such as diabetes, heart disease, etc. are. Our society's lack of understanding of this places an extra burden on those suffering. I can see that it is hard for someone who hasn't experienced it to understand it.

First, MrsKro, I have been in that same position and it completely sucks. Yes, I'm already scared, so why not remind me I'm alone while you're at it. I'm sorry you were subjected to it. Next, Tatiana, I'm sorry you were subjected to having that trite line about someday finding the good in this all. There is nothing good about my spouse and childrens' father or yours' being taken away when we had a whole life of loving to finish. Nothing!! We will all hopefully someday have goodness in our lives again, but it will never be good to have lost our spouses. We will hopefully find good despite the tragedy. I had a friend who told me to think about how much character my children would build from this experience. WTF???? Now, fuck the complete, utter senselessness of this world where kind, loving, compassionate, loyal, caring, fair people who have kind, loving, compassionate, loyal, caring, and fair people who love and depend upon them are taken away too damn young, while mean, hate-filled, greedy, selfish people are left here to try to infect the rest of us with their despicableness. I seriously can't wrap my head around it, let alone try to begin to accept it.

Not poor and pitiful... loving and heartbroken. Your post really touched me. All those little details you noticed and remember. This is very hard. Life does go on, but it often feels like it goes on for everyone around us, while we're still reeling and just trying to find our breath and our footing. Sending you a tight hug of understanding...

Sending you tight hugs, PJ. I am so sorry for the loss of your "mom". I'm sure just your presence there means so much. It sucks that the tax issue is interrupting your time there. They should have been able to wait 3-4 days for you to return home. I fully get the dog issue. I took the kids to the beach last week, which triggered a lot of memories of T and I being there together. I really missed having my cats to cuddle up with and calm/comfort me. Sending you more hugs...

April, Please know that you didn't offend me, so there is no need to worry about that. Yes, I was really blessed to share such a connection with such an amazing man. It sounds like you were really blessed as well. I also talk to my husband all the time. Hugs...

I understand and appreciate your greater message, however I feel compelled to add that each of us experiencing the loss of our spouses has their own journey to travel. Finding happiness again doesn't follow a single approach that works for everyone. While I realize that everyone in life experiences hardships, I do believe some are more significant than others and would include the loss of a spouse as one of those. I'm not ashamed to say that I do feel victimized by the loss of my husband, as if one of my most precious things has been stolen away from me. We didn't have a perfect married life, but we did have a damn near perfect close marriage. We had a lot of hardships we endured together, starting with finding out 2 months before our wedding he would need open heart surgery right after the wedding. Many challenges followed. We held tight to each other and fought our way through each one, leaning on each other and keeping that positive attitude. We perfected it and people marveled at our ability to keep smiling through it all. That was because we had each other to lean on. Now, I have a whole new set of challenges, worse than any I've faced before, and my partner to lean on to help me cope is gone. That requires time to learn how to find new ways of facing the heartbreak and challenges. I'm always happy to see that people are able to move forward more quickly by thinking positively, etc. Anyone who finds their way through this situation is to be admired. Yet, those who struggle more/longer/less gracefully are to be admired as well. Perhaps even more, because despite their sense of hopelessness and temporary fragility, they haven't given up. They're still trying, finding drive within even when their mind doesn't recognize it. Hugs to all of you finding your way however it works for you...

I'm sending tight hugs to each of you (wearing face mask, gloves, and other protective gear so as not to infect anyone)...

Being sick and having no one to pamper and comfort you. I've acquired some virus that has me feeling lousy. I miss my husband, who would joke about how sexy my voice sounded even though it was really craggy, who brought me frozen fruit bars for my sore throat, and rubbed my aching body. Yesterday, despite the school runs and errands I had to run because it is just me to do it, I was pretty much in bed all day. The loneliness made me feel even more miserable. Please share what sucks for you right now, so I don't feel like such a lonely whiner.

Serpico, Congratulations! This is coming from the perspective of someone just beginning to feel a tiny little bit of longing for another relationship, so no actual experience. One reason I think I've held off in even thinking about it is that I want my kids to be my main priority. They have already lost their father at such a young age. I feel the responsibility to be there fully for them and that trying to provide the support two parents would provide while finding enough of myself to give to another relationship seems incompatible to me. But that is based upon my own level of emotional stability and strength/energy right now. It is in short supply and for now, my kids get what I have. I suspect one's opinion on this also comes from their experiences with their spouse. My husband and I had years together and then 10 years of infertility before adopting our kids. As such, in our marriage the kids came first and we both were happy to put them there. I'm just carrying out that approach already in place. Best wishes to you...

Just wondering if not having your spouse at the kids' school functions ever gets easier? I suppose it has gotten a little easier over the past 3 years in that I'm able to hold back tears. Last night my daughter was inducted into the National Honor Society. I'm so proud of her, especially given the Depression she's been dealing with this year. Her core group of friends were all inducted as well. I've gotten to know their parents, so we were all standing together chatting and taking pictures of the kids. All the other kids had both parents there and there I stood without T. I thought I'd be more used to it by now, but I still really feel so cheated.

Thank you, ieh21!

Nog1, thank you for posting. I am one of those 3 year folks. I totally understand the solo parenting exhaustion factor. I'm glad you decided to post. It gives encouragement to those, like me, who are a little more delayed finding their way moving forward. Hugs to you...

Trying, I am so glad to read your post. I am glad you are finding your way to a new chapter in your life. I know you've worked hard and endured a lot of heartache and worry getting yourself to where you are. You deserve the happiness that awaits you. I'm sure your husband would agree. Tight hugs...

Oh, I can only imagine how heartbreaking it was for you. I think it was a really good way for you to have handled the difficult situation of what to do today, though. Perfect, really, even though it may not have felt like it. Sending more hugs. This is all so very hard.

I'm so sorry. I agree all the firsts are so hard, especially so soon after your loss of your wife. Asking why is completely normal. Unfortunately, I've found no good answer. It just sucks and is unfair to our children and ourselves. I wish I could make the day a little easier for you both. Sending both of you virtual hugs...

Scotty77, I'm so sorry for the sudden loss of your wife. The recognition of how my husband passing away suddenly had impacted most of the control I had over my life was really tough for me. We had carefully made plans that suddenly were gone with him and I was left dangling at grief's whim. I hope you will find some measure of comfort being around those who understand how difficult and painful the loss of a spouse is. Sending you hugs...

Just letting you all know my first session went really well. I liked the counselor a lot. I felt hopeful when I left the office, which is a rare emotion for me lately. She told me this won't be a fast process as I've been through so much in such a short period of time, but she said we'll work through it together. Thank you again for the encouragement and support!

to all our Mom members today. And I'm adding in the Dads, too, as they are pulling dual duty in most cases. You all are inspirations to me, reminding me when I'm feeling overwhelmed or inadequate that I can make it. It is hard to bear our children's pain in addition to our own. You've helped me hold up under the weight of it all. Thank you!!

I was at a family Mother's Day picnic tonight. It was nice to be included. Then I came home and checked some of my son's schoolwork. Lit, so it was more enjoyable than other subjects I care less for at least. Best part of the night was talking on the phone with a friend. Now I am trying to talk myself into sleeping, which has become a big issue for me lately.

No shame in venting or being honest about how you are feeling, dear girl. This wid life is hard. Really hard. Patience is difficult to have when you are hurting so much. If we were standing on hot coals, we would jump off to a place where it would hurt less. With this kind of pain, we need to make that move away from it to lessen the hurt, but we have no idea where the soft place to land is now. Sending you love and tight hugs...

Great news, SB! So happy for you. There is bound to be a need for embracing those sentimental memories before you let go. I was surprised how once the kids and I had moved everything out of our house, it wasn't as hard to do the last walk-thru and leave. It was just a shell at that point. All that was special came with us, either in physical or memory form. Best of luck to you and your beautiful kids in your new home!

Lovely. I remember the sick feeling I had when I realized I had started calling our children "my" children. Hugs...