SoVerySad

Fuck that while I am working really hard in my therapy and making a real effort to get more engaged in life again, I still end up going to bed all alone every night. There are no signs of that changing in the near future or ever really. So, all my hard work I do during the day and progress I feel I've made feels like it evaporates every night when it's time for bed and the same emptiness and missing T settles in again. Fuck trying to move forward when in reality you still just want to go back to the life you had already put together. I'm so weary of this all.

Thank you for sharing. It definitely resonated with me as well.

Sorting through 20+ years of things we had accumulated to clean out the house was painful. For me, just the triggering of many memories was the hardest part. Deciding what to keep of my husbands' belongings was easy as he placed very little value on material things. I saved the few things I knew meant something to him - his Packer's cheesehead and jersey, his album collection, our stereo (which he was very excited about decades ago when we got it and is likely obsolete now). I don't even know how to hook it all back up, so it is just in boxes for 2 years now. I also was obsessed with anything he held in his hands, perhaps since I miss his hands so much, such as his car keys to vehicles I no longer own and his gloves. I have a storage unit full of household things I thought I needed to keep. I haven't gone there for anything since January, so I think I'm just going to purge almost everything in it as I haven't needed it. That will save me the cost of the storage unit.

Maureen, What a thoughtful, amazing man your John was. I'm sorry I never got the opportunity to meet him. I wish I could answer your question as to why you weren't able to have him with you longer. I've often asked myself the same thing, although T and I were together for many years. Why then? With children not yet grown? Why just as the kids were getting to an age we could have time in the evenings to ourselves? I've come to the conclusion there likely is no answer that would offer me any comfort - that would make it okay to no longer have him here. I just have to learn to live with what wasn't in my control, which is not an easy thing to do. Sending you tight hugs...

Saturday, I took my kids (teens) to a mall in a neighboring town. They were wearing me out wanting to stop in so many stores, etc.. I gave them some money and found myself a comfy seat on a sofa in a sitting area of the mall. A lady across from me asked me my name. I responded and she told me her name was Shirley. She started telling me her age (64) and that she had never been married or had children. She said she gets very lonely, so she comes to the mall to talk to people. She asked if those had been my children and where my husband was. I told her that he had died. (I'm finally to the point where I can say that now without crying). She told me she was so sorry to hear that, but I must understand being lonely then. I told her I did indeed. As we talked, I felt the worst fear building up inside me. Is this what I might have to look forward to someday when the kids are gone? Will I be so lonely I need to go sit at the mall and hope to make conversation? It made me feel suddenly really down. Yet as more people came and went, Shirley talked with each one. A lovely dynamic developed where suddenly all of us sitting in that seating area were talking with each other. I imagine that had it not been for Shirley, we would have likely have all been sitting in silence, looking at our phones, etc.. She set a tone for each of us to connect to each other. I shook her hand when the kids returned, and told her how much I enjoyed meeting and talking with her. As I walked away, I didn't feel quite as scared of the potential of being so lonely forever. I won't forget the effort Shirley makes to stay connected and the positive effect she had on me and others that day.

No mutual friends. I just declined.

I'm so sorry for him and his loved ones. I also feel triggered by the loss of living connections to my husband. It is amazing how personal it can feel. You described it well with feeling like another piece gone. I'm always hoping that my T will somehow now be able to connect with their spirits now in ways he never got a chance to here on Earth. Sending you hugs...

Well, you've got a lot going on right now - good things which is great. I'm sure you'll do very well.

That's the risk of online dating.. Well done, sir! Although I have not or likely will not ever try online dating, I'm totally with Quixote that I talk more to animals - my own and those I encounter when I'm out.

SB, any chance of a slow carbon monoxide building situation? Do you have a detector? I'm not discounting your feelings and impressions of your house, just worried about you and the kids. I know you really care for your plants as you feel strongly about the importance of their energy. That is completely weird for them all to be dead at one time. It must feel pretty scary. I hope you can move up the closing. Hugs...

Today I received a friend request on Facebook from a man whose name or picture I did not recognize. I'm relatively new to Facebook and wondered how that might happen. I talked with a fellow member here today and asked her about it. She mentioned that she also had received a similar request, but could not remember the name. I'm wondering if anyone else here received a similar unknown friend request. Just wondering if there could be a connection to this forum.

In a moment of stupidity, I mentioned this bago to my kids in a passing way. Their response was "oh, Mom, a bago we would really enjoy going to and we're not going?" I told them it wasn't thinkable financially, so don't even go further in trying to convince me. Secretly, I'm as disappointed as they are. So many people I'd love to meet in person. Plus we've never been to Disneyland. If only I had a fairy godmother!! I hope you all have a great time!

I'm terrified every day about losing one of my kids. I've barely made my way through a few nights I thought I couldn't, because of my kids. The thought of losing one of them on top of losing T would surely be more than I could handle, yet I would still have the other one that would need me even more desperately. I already feel like I'm an inadequate mother since T died. What would I be in that scenario? I'm learning skills to stop myself from letting my thoughts go to that type of scenario, but I literally am like a newborn learning a new skill in this area as this worry has been present for so long now. I think there are so many variables that data alone might not be conclusive. In general, women live longer than men anyway. I suspect the factors of whether one was a long-time caregiver also comes into play. On one hand, most long-time caregivers have already had to learn to do a lot on their own, but conversely many start the grieving process depleted physically from all the caregiving. I myself took no meds before my husband died and now take an obscene amount daily. My health has really taken a toll, but I'm realizing how run down, both physically and emotionally, I was before T even died.

Congratulations to you both!

Update: I can't make this bago after all, sadly. Hope you all have a good time. I'm hoping to try to make it. RIFF, is it okay for my 2 teens to come again as well? They want to go to the beach at Misquamich (too lazy to look up spelling so that's probably butchered) again.

JeanGenie, The only discomfort I've felt about still wearing my rings is that I've had two people assume I have remarried from noticing them. For some reason, that was upsetting to me. Klim, your message about never saying never is a good thing to remember. I truly did love being married. I guess that's why I still feel as if I am. T's friend's mother and dear friend of my in-laws' husband died 1 week before T. T had attended his funeral, which made her so pleased that he came. I've kept in contact with her and my MIL updates me on how she's doing. Although she is well into her 80's, it was amazing how similar we felt dealing with our losses. She moved to an assisted living facility now. She also has a new gentleman suitor she met there. So never say never is true, I guess.

Taurus, I am just over 3 years out and still feel married, still wearing my wedding rings, haven't thought once of removing them. Yet, I am starting to wish for the companionship I shared with my husband. I'd rather it be with him, but I've had to accept he can't come back. Maybe I'll get lucky and find someone also looking for companionship to fill in the loneliness. While I feel the lack of intimacy more strongly now, the thought of it with anyone other than my husband is still unthinkable to me. Sigh...

Thank you t2b. I haven't actually attended an event on my own yet, so I don't know how it will be. But at least I've recognized that I need to start, right?

My wedding anniversary is the hardest day of the year for me. Sending you love and hugs, Trying!

Anyone else out there suffering from a lack of meaningful, interesting discussions? One of the things I miss so much since my T died is having someone to discuss things with. Of course, the loss of having my spouse to discuss decision-making and children issues with is major, but T and I loved talking about anything and everything. As a result of being a SAHM, some days he would chuckle when I would literally meet him at the door when he came home from the long days he worked, anxious to talk about something with him. My kids are teens now and are to the point where we can have meaningful discussions and they're forming their own opinions so I enjoy that, but it is short-lived as, well, they are teens and have no desire to spend too much of their free time with mom. As you can tell by my long posts, and a few friends I've made here who I am blessed to have formed friendships with off the board as well can attest, I enjoy conversations. I love to learn new things, be challenged in my thinking, etc.. I'm finding myself after 3 years since T died becoming more interested in engaging in life again. As a result, I'm feeling the void of meaningful conversation. Anyone else feeling the same way? Where do I find outlets to engage in the world again when I'm starting to emerge from the cocoon I've kept myself tucked away in? I'm on a counselor-suggested break from watching the news right now, so I may just be feeling the quiet more intensely.

I'm sorry you are struggling so much. I think being in the social work field probably requires you to give a lot of yourself, including emotional support to others in difficult situations. I can see where that could be hard to do when you're feeling emotionally depleted yourself. Do you think that might be part of it? I realized a few months ago that I was really becoming a hermit. I'm making an effort to get out more to connect with others as I am a people person at heart, but it is hard for me to see other couples, too. It makes me so wistful for the relationship I enjoyed with my husband. I still feel married in my heart and head, so approaching outings as a single person is a real challenge for me. It became easier just to stay home. However that really wasn't making me happy being alone all the time either (other than with my teens who as normal teens don't want to spend a ton of time with their mom). It is hard getting adjusted to the many ways losing our spouse impacts our lives. Sending you tight hugs...

I had a revelation this week, that I've been expecting my son to attend all his sister's school events (he is mainly homeschooling) as a means for me not to have to go alone. At 17, I'm pretty sure he's not thrilled about it, yet true to his nature, he has never once complained. So, I told him he no longer has to go with me, unless he wants to. I'm pretty sure he'll still want to go to the football games and parades with me (she's in marching band), but probably not her chorus or band concerts. Time for me to start being comfortable going alone.

Hooray!!!

Having a really tough night tonight missing T terribly. When I feel so drenched in this pain, it reminds me how much I owe him for all the love and joy he brought into my life. His void has left me quite shattered, but oh how blessed I was to have been so loved and supported. This song helps me try to remember that... I miss you so much T. Thank you for all the love and happiness you brought to my life.

I'm sorry, that you didn't get to live out the future you planned to there, as well as the potential buyers feeling it wasn't what they were looking for. Hopefully someone soon will come along and decide it is just right for them. Hugs to you...