SoVerySad

Going over Algebra 2 lessons with my son tonight. Woo hoo! Hyperbolas! Such is the life of a wild homeschooling mom who should have gotten more done during the week. Sigh... BTW, Virgo, when I saw the thread up again this morning, I thought I had lost a whole day and it was really Sunday morning. ;D Sending out hugs to all you sexy wids and an extra especially tight one for lcoxwell.

What sweet memories for both of you, Mac & TS. My initial memory of T was that I thought he was weird and wasn't attracted to him at all. Oh, how he grew on me, though.

Adding on here at the last minute, if I may. Myself and my two teens. I'm looking forward to meeting everyone and seeing those I've met before again.

Time to put your sorrow away, so says the lady sitting there with her couple partner. I imagine she meant well. Please don't let her comments make you feel bad about yourself, MS. Despite doing our best to move on with our lives, the sorrow remains and is more present sometimes than others. If she hasn't been through it, she probably can't grasp how it impacts each of us. I think given your recent break-up, it is understandable you'd be feeling more sad and discouraged lately. Sending you tight hugs...

I'm so happy to hear your baby arrived safely, deedee. It is great that your grief counselor has been so supportive. I think you are approaching it in the best way - one day or moment at a time. I hope your new baby girl brings much joy to you and your son. Hugs all around...

donswife, Can you play the messages on speaker phone and record them with the sound recorder on your computer? That is what I did with old messages from my husband on my answering machine. It should work to play your recording on your answering machine and use your sound recorder to record it as well. I made 2 back-up copies incase my computer crashes. You probably can then upload your sound recording from your computer onto a new phone you get if you want to have it with you on your phone. I hope that works for you or someone has a better way to suggest for you. I'm pretty technologically challenged.

was nominated by at least one of her teachers to be Student of the Year for her Freshman class. I'm so proud of her. This was her first year returning to public school after 3 years of homeschooling. That was challenging enough, but to make the big change after the loss of her dad and some other heavy things we've been through since had me worried about how she'd adjust. She's done so well. She is one courageous and tenacious little chicklet, I tell you. There are other nominees and they will be competing for the title, including a few of her friends. She's not sure she wants to go further in the competition. She's pretty shy and would need to go in front of the whole school at an assembly to receive the award if she were to win. I'm leaving the decision up to her. I'm proud of her just getting nominated. T, sweetheart, look at how our girl is shining. I wish you could be here to share this moment in person.

I'm sorry you are hurting, Amy. I know it is hard when we can't give our kids all that we would like to, especially when it seems like the school events are so overdone and expensive and let many kids out. For example, my daughter is in Glee Club. She has to have a floor length formal gown for her concerts. I find this excessive and would have even before I was this financially strapped. Why couldn't a nice simple dress suffice for a high school event? Graduation expenses can really add up, too. Do you have a friend that might let you borrow a camera for graduation? If I were close, I'd let you borrow mine. I know it might feel bad to ask, but hopefully someone can help you out. In addition, if you do have a little extra cash when the SS gets on track, maybe you can plan a special celebration then. It may be a little after the fact, but you can still celebrate later. Maybe you can start planning it with her now so she knows she has it to look forward to. I can see that it hurts not to be able to have a similar celebration for your daughter as you did for your son. Sadly, your life is different now and so you aren't in a position to do things as you did before. Feeling anger at Chad seems like a normal response to me. Heck, some days I feel angry with my beloved T for leaving me to handle this all on my own and he couldn't control his heart arrhythmia either. It is just a response to the magnitude of the changes that have been thrust upon us. I think a heartfelt letter to your daughter about how much she means to you would mean a lot more as a keepsake than a formal graduation announcement. I hope it doesn't sound like I am minimizing your disappointment in not being able to provide the things you want to. I really do understand how that hurts. Tight hugs...

I'm sorry, Heidi. I guess she was trying to make some connection in a way that she might have some similarity to your life. Yet, those who make those comments don't realize they end up magnifying all the ways our lives aren't the same. Yes, she shuffles kids herself in the evening, but that is such a small aspect of what we lost. I am now a month over 2 years and have noticed that I can now occasionally pull off telling someone without tearing up. Sending you hugs...

I'm sorry you are hurting so, BH2. I don't know if it offers any help at all, but one way I have tried to help myself feel less hurt when others seem to not remember T is to remind myself that it only makes sense for me to remember and feel the loss so much more. No one else shared the special bond with him that I did. While many people loved and enjoyed him, no one else had the type of deeply entwined connection we shared. Because I solely held that honor and privilege, I can't expect others to continue to feel the loss as much. He was the center of my world, so his absence is acutely in the forefront of my mind all the time. That being said, I really do understand that it hurts to think others could forget about him so easily. Sending you tight hugs...

Thank you all for your thoughtful and eloquent replies. Jen, I think your post is what I am referring to. Your mom is making you feel like you are selfish and at some point you have yourself believing you are "wallowing in self-pity". I don't think either of those terms describe you. I think you've been wounded from the loss of your husband and you are deeply grieving. Grieving by its nature is selfish, isn't it? From the perspective that we have to process it and suffer through it pretty much on our own. Even if fortunate enough to have support, it is still very much a journey we have to travel on our own. I wish you didn't judge yourself so harshly, Jen, for a normal response to your husband's death. You are managing to continue to work, take care of your kids, taking classes. That is definitely not wallowing, honey. You are keeping going despite the world of hurt you are in. It has been interesting to me to see the responses I have had from the people around me since injured in the car crash. People have been much more sympathetic, because they can see my injury, I guess. Or maybe they can imagine themselves being in a car crash but not losing a spouse. They tell me it is normal to feel angry for what happened, etc.. So, it is understandable to feel angry that a drunk driver crashed into my life nearly killing my children or leaving them orphans and making my life difficult as I recover (which of course it is), yet they seem unable to understand anger at the cataclysmic crash of reality into my life that literally did kill T and has made every single aspect of my life difficult since? Yes, the car crash has been a real PITA, but it has been a freaking paper cut compared to the magnitude of the nearly constant pain which has felt like having my heart ripped out of my chest since T died. Questions, you continue to be such an inspiration to me for the courage you've found to handle your life while still grieving. You've captured the challenges so well with your post. ATJ, I also bristle at the use of the term pity party in relation to something so significant as the loss of a loved one. I'm sorry you had to endure the appendage comment. Unreal. Wifeless, as always, your reminders that our feelings are valid are appreciated. Carey, I have been told some people feel I'm wallowing as well. I even looked the term up: verb (used without object) 1. to roll about or lie in water, snow, mud, dust, or the like, as for refreshment: Goats wallowed in the dust. 2. to live self-indulgently; luxuriate; revel: to wallow in luxury; to wallow in sentimentality. 3. to flounder about; move along or proceed clumsily or with difficulty: A gunboat wallowed toward port. 4. to surge up or billow forth, as smoke or heat: Waves of black smoke wallowed into the room Now #3 I might agree to. I do feel like I'm clumsily floundering about frequently. But I don't think that's what they meant. I believe their impression is that I'm deliberating not doing enough or choosing to make myself happier, etc. - as if I wouldn't avail myself of that opportunity if it were as easy as just choosing it. KJS, I'm sorry you've received those judgmental comments as well. It does make it all harder when it is already hard enough. I do think Wifeless's point about the experience of losing your spouse/SO being uniquely devastating is the crux of it. Those around us seem to be processing it and sometimes making judgments based upon their own frames of reference, which don't including an understanding of how it differs from any other experience. I am so very grateful for a safe haven such as this where people do understand, although it breaks my heart to know the price each person here has paid to gain that understanding. Thank you, again.

smabify, I'm not able to swing the trip this summer, but wanted you to know I would love the opportunity to meet you and your littles in person if I could. I hope you have a good, relaxing time. Hugs...

I'm glad to see your post as I have been wondering about you (and worrying a little since I am a worrier). I'm sorry you've been feeling ill and overwhelmed with so many challenges and worries right now. I have experienced several of those stressors myself and they do feel completely overwhelming when you are already grieving. I'm sorry it all is so hard right now. Sending you love and tight hugs...

AW, that is major step. It is hard to say exactly how you might feel at first if you return there, but I believe you must have a sense you can make it work since you found the strength to reapply. It sounds like they would be very happy to have you back which is nice. As far as it not seeming as nice now, I'm guessing that your presence there would make it better. I mean that sincerely. You are such a sweet, caring person. Your contributions in that type of setting must be noticeable and valuable. If August comes and it feels too much, you have the option to stay where you are, right? You have a few months to prepare yourself gradually and see how you are feeling as it gets closer. I'll be pulling for you that it works out the best for you. Tight hugs and love...

Hachi, I am in awe of your courage. I do believe you have this. It seems understandable that feelings of wishing your husband was going with you would arise. I hope you find a way to carry his love with you to the new experiences that await you. I'm excited for you and will be interested in hearing about your trip when you return. You can do it! Hugs to you...

Sugarbell, I wasn't here when your husband died, I just wanted to let you know that you have clearly paid forward the support extended to you by those wids who supported you. I know I have personally benefitted from your posts as well. I'm so grateful this resource exists.

These are two "labels" that I've been fighting against since T died. I remember early on a friend told me she hoped that I wouldn't become bitter as a mutual friend had become (in her opinion). I also haven't wanted to be labeled as "feeling sorry for myself". I guess I may define these two labels differently than some others. I am unapologetically unhappy to be widowed at this point in my life - to not have my husband to finish raising our children with and to grow old together with. But I don't believe I am bitter. To me, bitter would be looking at someone else not widowed and wishing them ill (which may be feelings we all fleetingly experience as part of deep grieving). I am happy for older couples, I genuinely wish new couples a long and happy life together, etc.. I don't want anyone else's world to be as miserable as mine is at this time. I also don't think I'm feeling sorry for myself, above and beyond how I would feel sorry and compassion for another person. When I hear of a person dying, my thoughts often turn to their loved ones and my sorrow for the loss they will be experiencing. Do I myself not deserve to allow myself that same compassion? I have been dealt a very hard blow and while I don't think I am wallowing in it, I am tired of those who seem to think I need to snap back and get over it. I'm never getting over this. I do, however, intend to find ways to live with it and get more happiness back into my life so my life becomes more meaningful again. I also realize how many blessings I do still have in my life. Mourning the loss of my husband doesn't translate into being ungrateful for everything. Such a simplistic mindset to complex feelings, IMO. I know I shouldn't care about what others who haven't walked this path (my path) think, I just wish there was a way I could help them be less judgmental. Perhaps I am being judgmental against their inability to understand as well, though, huh?

Jen, I am so sorry you are hurting so much right now. It feels so unfair to feel like we've made some progress only to be pulled back again and again. It is so exhausting to feel sad and empty for so long. I agree with, Jess. I am so tired of all of this. Is it any help to remember that when you felt this way before, you didn't think you had anything to look forward to, but now you have a few things at least. Hopefully as you pass those events, more things to look forward to will keep emerging just as these things have for you. I do understand that hope is hard to hold onto when you can't envision things getting any better. I'm still hoping they will for all of us. Sending you tight, tight hugs, and love...

Amazingly compassionate, Mel. Warrior indeed. No wonder you are so proud. And she is so beautiful!

KT, I think it is inevitable that your littles are going to see you cry, because you must be able to express that grief. You don't have enough free time to try to keep it all inside until you get a free minute to let it out. It sounds like your children are responding in a compassionate manner vs seeming afraid, etc.. That's a testament to your parenting that they are able to show that compassion. I would thank them for their concern and let them know they should feel free to let you know when they are feeling sad as well. I think the key is that they also see you experiencing lighter, happier moments with them as well. As others have said, the balance is important. I think it makes us better parents overall to let out the sadness at times, especially when raising children solo is so stressful in itself.

I don't have experience with grief in kids this little as mine are teens. I think you will know when he is grieving. What you describe with the x-box doesn't really sound like grieving to me. I think it is him connecting to his father in the ways he has available to him. Maybe you can say something like, "yes, Daddy drew that picture of himself, isn't it nice we have it" or something along those lines if you feel you want to reinforce that your husband isn't actually in the x-box. Or perhaps use the opportunity to talk about how his Daddy enjoyed playing the x-box, etc. to help him know the things his Daddy enjoyed doing. You are such a good mom, CW. Trust your instincts. You know your son well. I'm sorry you both are in this position and the pain it brings you. I really do think you will be able to recognize true grieving and have every confidence you'll support him well. I think looking at some resources for signs you might expect to see if he's grieving might help you feel more prepared should they arise. Sending you hugs...

Thank you all for your posts. Wifeless, I do think that the grief is worse due to the added strain. I was already stretched to the limit, yet I've had to try to fit these new difficulties in there as well. I do so appreciate all the support from each of you.

Tight hugs to you, Brenda. I really can relate to this post. T was an incredible best friend - we started out that way before growing into a romantic relationship as well. I am so lonely without his company - somedays, like yesterday, are still almost unbearable. The friends who did reach out to me after T died have since moved on. It seems like when I hit the year mark, they were just tired of my still being sad. They missed the old me who only resurfaces fleetingly in bits and pieces. I was really hurt at first, but I understand. I miss that me a lot, too. Given that I'm pretty sure I'll never return to that person they expect and apparently need, I think new friendships will be important. I have made a few wonderful widow friends through these forums, but no one local to me to just meet up with for a coffee, etc.. I wish I could offer concrete suggestions rather than just understanding and hugs. I feel like I was so blessed to have T who so completely filled my life. Unfortunately, that has made the vacuum he left with his passing much harder.

I am so sorry for the heartbreaking loss of your friend. This world is really hard to understand a lot of the time. Sending you tight hugs...

Well, that would be awesome.