SoVerySad

It isn't silly at all to me, L. I had the same worry as I have 4 pets and it is hard to find rentals in my area that allow any pets. Don't give up hope until you've exhausted all options. I suggest that you look at potential places even if they don't allow pets. You may find that the people will like you and make an exception. T & I had this happen once. We went and toured the place. We were young and hadn't thought to ask if they allowed pets. As we were reviewing the contract with the owner, we came to the no pets clause. We apologized and told him we couldn't take the place as we had a dog we couldn't give up. He asked his name, which I thought was kind of weird. We told him and then he wrote in "except Wickett"" right on the contract and we kept going with it. In the townhouse I'm in now, they allow 2 pets, but made an exception for me to have 4. I do have to pay an extra $100 a month pet fee, though. I toured first with the kids, then asked about the pet policy. When I told the guy we had 4 cats and couldn't imagine not keeping all of them, he offered to see if he could get an exception from the owners. I am only allowed to have these 4 and can't replace them if it would put me over their normal limit of 2 pets, which is fine as I have no intention to add any others. It can't hurt to ask to see if they might allow an exception. If you can't make it work in the end, then I hope you will be able to find homes for them where you'll feel comforted that they'll be cared for. I'm sorry for the hurt this is all causing you. Tight hugs...

Congrats to you both! That song playing is really awesome.

Is MissingSquish still coming? I'm hoping so.

Thank you for the suggestion, Mike.

What a sweet sign. I'm so glad you received it.

No wonder you feel so miserable. That is a very tough spot you are in. I'm so sorry the wound is being so stubborn about healing. Having been through a recent period of convalescence requiring serious impact on my ability to do all that needs done, I truly do sympathize with you. It is hard to keep your spirits up during such a trying time. Sending you tight hugs and my hopes that your recent surgery does the trick to get that ankle finally healed.

Tight hugs to you, KT. It truly does feel unbearable. I'm so sorry you are hurting so much. I understand your feelings about the hypnosis. I went thru a few weeks where I was obsessed with a movie I saw years ago called "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" in which a couple break up and then have their memories of each other erased. I felt terrible at the idea of erasing my T, but simultaneously felt desperate for relief from the pain. One thing I had to do was stay in the present. I actually still have to do this even at 2 years out. Anytime I let myself consider the future ahead without him, the pain is just too intense. So I really have had to focus on just getting through each day, sometimes each hour or minute earlier on like you are. I don't think the pain can be avoided, but it can be broken down into more manageable chunks. I have felt on many occasions that I just couldn't stand the pain, yet I have managed to do so. You will as well, even if that might feel impossible now. I'm glad I wasn't able to find a way to erase my memories of T. I've reached a place (farther out that you are, remember) where remembering him brings me comfort instead of always just searing pain. I still have very painful times, don't get me wrong. Times that still literally take my breath away. I just had one this evening when a song on the radio which I have always loved gave me such a pain in my heart when I remembered dancing to it with T I immediately broke down into tears that lasted for an hour. To think that we'll never dance together again... well I had to shut that "never again" down and just allow myself to give in to the sorrow for a while. But the pain isn't as constant as it was earlier on now. I realize that the hope that it won't always feel so bad doesn't do a whole lot to ease the pain right now, though. I wish I knew a way to make it less excruciating for you right now. Just know that we understand how painful it is. This is a place where when that reality hits you, you can come and find an understanding shoulder to cry on. I know it may not seem like much, but I credit having the ywbb and now this resource for helping me make it through days I truly thought I might not. Sending you love and more hugs...

I will bring fresh fruit mix and deviled eggs, if that is okay. I can put them in the cooler for the drive.

Yes, AW, Alex would be proud of you. I really am as well. I hope tomorrow is over soon and you can get the first Thursday behind you. I'll be thinking of you and sending love and positive thoughts. Tight hugs..

Yay, glad you are coming imissdow!

Thank you both for responding. imissdow, are you saying that on the months you don't get the check, your kids' individual amounts are higher resulting in your family receiving about the same amount, just distributed differently? That was my understanding. At the time it was set up, I believe I recall the SS agent telling me that since there were 3 of us, they would take the family maximum and split it evenly 3 ways. Then once my youngest turns 16, my benefit will stop and theirs will increase, but not necessarily to the total we're getting now, because there is an individual maximum in addition to the family maximum. So, I'm expecting an overall decrease, but not by the full amount I'm currently receiving. However, I was in such a state of shock at the time I may not be remembering clearly. Maybe I need to call SS back and ask another rep to see what they say. Thanks again!

I think these types of issues are hard to settle into a perspective on. I believe it is often essential that we let go of anger and hurt towards those whom we expected more support-wise from, mainly because the grief itself is so consuming that adding hurt onto it is too much. I had (and I guess still have) no energy to deal with negative feelings in relation to others, so I've tried to just neutralize those feelings for now. I'm nice to them on the rare occasions I see them, but overall I've put up an internal shield to prevent unnecessary harm. I don't know what my future relationships may end up being with those people. I'm fairly certain they won't ever be the same as they were, which is sad - another loss. I've always been able to easily forgive, but regaining trust in others can be challenging for me personally. I think we just need to see how we feel as time passes. If you feel up to trying to establish a relationship again with your SIL, I don't think there's anything to be lost in trying. If it doesn't work out, you'll know you gave it a shot just to be sure grief alone wasn't driving your decisions/feelings.

Tight hugs to you, widowat33. I'm sorry things are feeling harder lately. I agree that bedtime is so painful.

I'm so sorry for the loss of your sweet boy. We have 4 cats - all rescues: Chester - Chester is a grey/brown tabby with magnificent black markings. Prior to my husband's death, he was a very typical cat in that he was aloof unless he wanted attention. Since T died, he has transformed into my constant companion. It has been very sweet. He is very smart, charming, and terribly spoiled. Tillie - Tilly is a long-haired Tabby. She was the cutest kitten I've ever seen. A complete little puff ball. Tillie loved T more than anyone - like seriously adored him. T would come home from work and before his butt actually hit the seat of his chair, she was on his lap. She would lay her paws on his chest and stare adoringly at his face. It was hilarious. She took T's death very hard and I worried she wouldn't survive. Thankfully she has and she has bonded more with my daughter. So much so that when my daughter attended a sleepover the other night, Tillie cried inconsolably all night. Gracie - Gracie is a dark tortoise shell. She was a cat I had been feeding outside, because T had said no more cats inside. She wasn't cut out to be an outside cat. She didn't have the necessary scrappiness. She ended up pregnant and I worried even more about her. One night T had a moment of weakness and told me I could bring her in if I really wanted to, but we couldn't keep the kittens. I literally went right out the door into the rain, scooped her up, and brought her in before he could change his mind. She has been my girl ever since. She loves to be curled up next to me. She's loving and more stubborn than any animal I've ever known. Eddie - Eddie is solid black with sleek shiny fur. He is one of Gracie's kittens I talked T into keeping. I couldn't stand taking them all away from her. He was a complete Momma's boy, so he stayed. He is 7 now and they still curl up together all the time and she gives him baths. He is very sweet.

Tight hugs to you, injo. I'm so sorry for the sadness your trip brought, as well as your husband not being here to celebrate your anniversary together. I understand that others don't know whether it is best to mention our spouses, etc. but that understanding doesn't it make it hurt any less. It reinforces the sense of loss. I generally will just talk about my husband myself. Sometimes I know it makes those I'm with uncomfortable, but I figure they can handle it for the short while we're together. After being a couple from the time I was 16, I don't have many life experiences that didn't include him. I'd have very little to contribute to the conversation if I am not allowed to mention my husband as he was an integral part of my life. It must have been even harder coming home and not having your cat there. It sucks that now even things that should be (and can be) fun such as vacations always have the bittersweet elements of loss accompanying them. Sending you love and more hugs...

I am wondering if anyone knows of recent changes regarding survivor benefits. My youngest will turn 16 in January, so the benefit amount I've been receiving will end. I called Social Security yesterday to get an idea of how much the kids' benefit would become once my benefit stops. It was my understanding that their benefit would increase generally to the per person maximum, as we are currently receiving the family maximum. I was expecting their amounts in increase, but not to the full amount we receive now. The person I spoke with told me that is not how it works. She said their benefit amounts will not increase, other than thru COLAs. Was my understanding incorrect in the first place or was there a recent change in the law? Thanks for any info you can share.

Hugs all around. It is a hard day for me as well, even though it will be the 3rd one we've faced. I'll be attending a bago the day before which will be nice. I'm planning to stay overnight at a hotel and find something to do with the kids the next day to take the edge off. I do want to be here later in the day to visit with my FIL, though. Justin, I understand how hard it is to buy cards for in-laws when you've lost your own parents. I've cried my way through more than one occasion doing so.

TS, I can't give any advice on the LTR issue as I have no experience. I will share my experience in leaving a lucrative job that I had worked very hard over several years to achieve to become a SAHM. Everyone in my family and most of my friends thought I was nuts, especially after I had put in so much hard work to get to where I was. They didn't understand how much the job had changed and how much I had changed as well. The job had become this burden that weighed so heavily on me. I recognize that a job is a job, so it isn't something you feel great about all the time. But it was slowly chipping away at me in so many ways. I couldn't support the growing focus on profits over care. It was a constant battle to try to have the staffing levels I knew were a bare minimum to provide some semblance of quality care. I was on call 24/7 and just had grown to truly dread dealing with it all. I had developed asthma from the stress - on 2 inhalers per day which I've not used since the day I resigned the position. I had changed as well. We had just adopted our second child after a decade of dealing with the heartache of infertility. T had been bringing C in to visit me at my office, eating dinner there, before he took him home and put him to bed. I was always working late and on weekends. I wanted to spend time with the kids -to really enjoy them. The job had lost its priority for me. So, I resigned. It was a huge adjustment for us financially as I made 2/3 of our income at that time (although T had much better benefits). I had to adjust to living on a much lower income, which was a challenge. We did it, however, and T and I both were happy with the situation. I believe the kids really benefitted from having me be happy and relaxed. I am pretty sure it would have been hard not to allow my frustration and disappointment with the job to bleed over into the rest of my life. It was too time consuming of a position. Fast forward to now when I no longer have T here. Boy, there have been days that I wish I still had that job. Financially I would be in a much better position, which would take a big burden off me. My family couldn't wait to make this point to me, which I would be better able to ignore if my situation wouldn't be the result of T dying, you know. But, whatever, they got to stick the knife in a little and I learned more about their real character. Even though I have those moments of regret, overall it is pointless. I'm looking at an ending without being able to see the middle. I know that I couldn't have continued for much longer in that position. Our lives would have been totally different had I continued to be so miserable. We would have missed the years of happiness we had. I didn't know at the time that C would be diagnosed with high functioning autism and learning issues that would take a lot of investment to see he reaches his best potential, which I feel has paid off very well. So I'm not allowing myself a lot of regrets. I just have to find a way to meet my new challenges, just as I did all those years ago when I took the leap and resigned. You are wise and brave. You will make the right decisions knowing what you want and need at this stage in your life. You're the one living your life, so while others can offer advice or their opinion, you do what you feel is right. I know you will give it all careful consideration. If at some point the changes you make now don't work out, then you'll re-evaluate and head in a direction that will work better for you at that time. Sending you love and tight hugs...

I am so sorry for the tragic loss of your FIL. I can understand how it would have you reeling once again, despite the forward progress you've made. Heartbreaking. Sending you positive thoughts and a tight hug...

I'm sorry, SB. It is hard to have these situations we can't "fix" for our kids. I love what he said about you and he's probably right, so know that you're doing a great job filling the role of mom & dad in all ways you can. I do understand wishing our kids didn't have to keep reliving the sense of loss. Tight hugs...

Ooh, so looking forward to meeting so many of you and seeing my dears again. KeepTrying, I volunteer baby holding services. It is a luxury I rarely get to enjoy.

Jenn, I'm so sorry for the tragic loss of your friend. More tight hugs....

Yes, of course it is okay. I hope it all goes well with the transition for both you and your son. klim. Hugs...

I'm looking forward to seeing you on your journey, Maureen! Hugs...

Thank you for the update, Maureen. SR, I'm still sending you positive energy and love.