SoVerySad

Dear SR, You've accomplished so much. I hope you realize we know this hasn't been easy for you. It has required immense courage and effort which you have displayed admirably. You are reclaiming you and your son's life. Try your best not to look back since that's not the way you are headed. You are moving forward to the more peaceful, happy life you deserve. Sending love and hugs...

PJ, I'm sorry that your husband can't be here to create your wall unit for you. Your post made me think about what I miss most about my husband. Unlike your husband, T wasn't as gifted in building things. Once we bought a square wooden picnic table with 4 bench seats that needed assembled. We laid out all the pieces and realized we had no directions (years ago before an internet search might have saved us). We spent hours assembling and reassembling. He was very patient, so we just kept doing trial and error until we finally got it assembled correctly. When we flipped the picnic table up to sit it up, we were surprised to find the directions taped to the top side on the table top (unseen when we were searching). Many men might have been angry, instead we laughed and laughed at ourselves. That is what I miss - the laughter. Since T has been gone, it feels like I'm missing an essential nutrient - laughter. He was the most fun person I've ever known. Damn, I miss those laughter-filled days. I hope you can make your new place feel more like home. Hugs...

I'm sorry, Rob. You were one of the great dads we have here that came to mind first when I wrote my post. I always appreciate you sharing your challenges and responses. It is clear you are very good to those girls. I agree that you should have a gentle discussion with them. It is important for them to learn not to forget how important it is for recognize those we are closest to, whom by that nature in itself can be overlooked for displays of appreciation at times. Hugs...

I'm so sorry, Nuggets. So awful and unfair... and hard to understand. Hugs to you...

Virgo, I started dating my husband at the same age you started dating yours, although we were friends for a year before we started dating. I still remember the date, so I understand how significant the date is for you. It is when it all started. I think you picked a great way to recognize the date as it was something important to your husband and something he did for you. I loved hearing about the butterfly, especially unusual for them to stay inside the garage. Clearly a beautiful sign for you. Thank you for sharing and hugs to you...

Adding my wishes for a good day as well. We have some amazing dads here and I appreciate reading their parenting posts. We also have some amazing moms who give their all to fill the void left by the loss of their husbands (just as the dads do the loss of their wives). Hugs to all of you, including Serpico (It is Father's Day, you know!)

Dear SR, I'm hoping that yesterday went well and that difficult step is behind you. Sending you love and tight hugs.

Adding my appreciation to TooSoon and lmsmdm as well. We had such a nice time. It was great to meet adp, as well as all the others I got to meet. Very nice to be surrounded by such lovely people. I miss you all already.

Thank you, injo. I'm still wishing I could meet you next month! Glad you made it here safely, adp. Looking forward to meeting you.

Yes, SR, you are doing it!! I'm so happy to read your update and hear the resolve in your voice. You definitely are both strong and smart. Still keeping you in my thoughts and glad to know you're closer every day to the better life you deserve. Tight hugs...

I'm so sorry for the loss of your husband, jodiwitz. I understand feeling totally lost - everything changes in just a minute and it is so hard to wrap your head around. I'm so glad you have family to lean on for support. This forum has many wonderfully caring members who can offer you support as well, since we know how difficult losing a spouse/SO is. Sending you a tight hug...

That brought tears to my eyes, SB. How wonderful for you to have those rocks. I love the idea of the permanence of rocks as a metaphor for the permanence of your memories. Those rocks weathered through all these years, just as your good memories weathered the storm of the anger and sadness of those understandably difficult years. I have an extensive collection of Christmas ornaments. When T and I were dating, we started buying an ornament as a souvenir anytime we went away. After almost 30 years together, I am left with quite a few ornaments. It was always so much fun each year to unwrap them and put them on the tree. We would reminisce about our travels, etc. Over time, the kids have learned and remembered where some came from. I have been thinking for some time about photographing them and making a scrapbook listing where they came from just so there is a record. Maybe I'll try to get that done this year. These past two Christmases without T have been very painful to unwrap those ornaments without him. The kids really wanted their tree as they've always had, so I forced myself to make that happen. I'm glad I did as I spent many hours when I couldn't sleep looking at that tree of memories. It reaffirmed how blessed I was.

I don't think you should feel any guilt over keeping the card. It is a memento of an important time period in your life. I've not even thought about dating someone else yet, but if that day should come, I have no intention to erase all traces of my husband from my life. The kids have photos of him in their rooms and I have photos in my room. He wasn't just their father, he was someone I loved very dearly. I also have photos displayed of all the others I have loved and lost, as well as cards and things that are mementos of each of them. I would hope your Chapter Two would understand that being committed to her doesn't require erasing all memories and things you cherish from your past.

Congratulations, MS!! That's awesome!

Mizpah, I'm sorry you are dealing with such a difficult circumstance. While you aren't a biological parent to the boy, you are your baby's mother. If your husband wants to draw a line in the sand against counseling, you may also need to draw a line in the sand where your daughter is concerned. Their inability or unwillingness to consider there may be serious issues at hand here shouldn't mean you just have to accept the continued behavior towards your daughter. Is he an only child other than your daughter? The comments he made before your daughter was born seem concerning to me. At such a young age, I'm not sure where he'd even get the idea of what having a younger sibling might mean for him to have such a negative opinion before she even got here. I'm wondering if the idea of her being a bad thing was planted in his head by someone. It must be stressful to feel like you need to monitor all interactions between them. I would do the same thing until his behavior changed enough to give you more of a sense of security that your baby isn't in danger. Could you get him something that you can say roughness is acceptable with and that baby is off-limits for any roughness? I was thinking like one of those punching bags that bounces back up. I'm not sure exactly what they are called. Or maybe your husband could have set wrestling times with him where rough-housing is acceptable and not allow it at other times or with the baby. Just a few ideas... My kids were 17 months apart and sometimes my son would get too rough with her if he got too over-excited. We would intervene to let him know what wasn't appropriate. But the majority of the time, he was very loving to her and enjoyed the time he spent with her. It doesn't seem like your stepson has those positive feelings about your baby.

I'm sorry, Amy. That must have been awful. Sending you tight hugs...

SR, I just wanted to share an experience of a close family member who was in a situation similar to yours. Her husband sweet talked her into coming back to him after she had left him. She truly believed that he had finally realized how much he loved her and would treat her better, so she went back saying everyone deserves a second chance. It didn't last long. He did his best to keep her from talking to any of us, but his treatment of her not only returned to the way he'd been treating her before she left, it got much worse. He started physically abusing her as well. He started taking her with him on his business trips so she wouldn't have a chance to leave. On one of those, he beat her so badly, it caused a cerebral hemorrhage. Thankfully she survived it, In her case, the second chance she offered led to a nightmare. He felt even more powerful, because she had returned. He was also really angry that she had left in the first place, although he hid it until she returned. The sense of power, fueled by the anger, led to her life being so much worse. She also didn't want to let any of us know, because she felt foolish for giving him the second chance. We became aware when the police contacted us after she was hospitalized with the cerebral hemorrhage. I'm not saying this same thing would happen to you, just sharing a real-life experience of someone who really wanted to give her husband a second chance and paid a terrible price for doing so. Keep moving forward to your new life, SR. You're in a hard climb right now, but it will lead to better days for you and your son. Tight hugs...

I haven't been in your situation, but I would be reluctant at this point (from what you've shared) to take new guy and leave the boys out when it is their friend's graduation party. I think on this occasion, given the recent dust up, the parents holding the party maybe don't want to have a situation which could impact the evening they have planned for their son. I think we need to pick our battles. I don't see you going without new guy as letting the kids control you or you being a doormat. I see it as honoring the wishes of the family having the party. If new guy had been invited and you chose not to take him to make your kids happier, then that would be different. It is a party for the kids more than for the adults, correct? If it were more an adult party, then I'd feel differently. Just my thoughts. I'm sorry these things are so challenging for you, Trying. I'm sure new guy feels you are worth working through them with you. Hugs...

SR, don't let his pleas weaken your resolve. You are putting yourself and your son first, which is essential. If it helps in anyway, think of it this way... if he had the potential to treat you well (as it appears he is suddenly trying to do) then that would piss me off even more that he deliberately didn't and treated you so poorly instead. He forfeited any right for you to feel guilty about choices you are making now, because of the choices he made. Remember what you learned from being widowed - no one that hasn't been in your situation will get it. It is the same in this case. No one else has lived your marriage, so they won't understand. The truth is you don't need them to. Ignore those questioning your decision. You didn't just decide this on a whim, SR. You've been wrestling with it for quite a while. You know in your heart it is what needs to be done. Feeling compassion for your husband is okay if you keep it in perspective that you now must do what's best for your son and you (because your son needs you). You've already given your husband more of yourself that he deserved. Try to squash that guilt down when it hits you. Remember that con list. You're on your way to a better life for you and your son. Even if it feels uncertain right now, it will be better. We're here on the sidelines to offer our support sending you love and hugs.

Tight, tight hugs, Jen! Sunshine and busyness can only do so much. They can help in some ways, but can't fill the void of missing someone we loved so much. Yes, I'm walking with you despite logistically being so many miles apart. More hugs...

CW, it is true that stress and grief can manifest in many ways physically. I stress that my situation is unusual from the norm, but it was serious enough that I feel compelled to share it with others as a word to the wise. I had a serious heart arrhythmia issue (enough that I now have a defibrillator implanted) misdiagnosed as stress and anxiety attacks for about 5 months. On my 6th trip to the ER, they decided to keep me overnight and do a stress test the next morning. While on the treadmill, the arrhythmia returned and they could see that it hadn't all been in my head as they presumed. I am very lucky to still be alive. As I stressed, I feel my case is rare. However, if you are having symptoms you should get them checked. If you feel it is more than just stress, keep pushing for answers. Listen to your own instincts. They had me pretty well convinced it was all just panic attacks, but a little voice in me said it might be more. I'm glad I listened to it and went back to the ER again. I honestly think the stress test was offered to prove to me that my heart was fine. I'm just glad it was offered as I may well not be here if they hadn't been able to see with their own eyes what I had been was describing was happening to me. All that said, the ventricular arrhythmia issues for me are real, however they haven't been able to find any reason for them, despite extensive testing. Purely an unexplained electrical problem at this point with the likely culprit - stress and anxiety. So, even if caused by stress and anxiety, real medical issues requiring treatment may result. Sigh... Like Trying, I'm working to reduce my stress - unsuccessfully thus far. I hope you are feeling better soon, CW.

I hope you can make it, donswife.

SMO4, I hope that ankle will behave so you can come. I'm glad you're continuing to make progress.

Tight, tight hugs, Mike. It doesn't sound like your care-giving failed, but rather her pain increased to the point she needed professionals to keep her as comfortable as possible due to the type of medication required. I'm very sorry both of you had to go through that difficult time period and that it still hurts so much to remember. More hugs...

I'm glad you found a place better suited for you. Yes, moving is a pain, so I hope you can stay where you are for a while. Welcome back!