SoVerySad

RIFF, I don't want you to misunderstand, I still hold a lot of anger. In fact, I think my anger at losing T and how my life has been blown up may be at its highest point it's ever been. I just realized that lately. It definitely isn't fair and it is hard to understand and accept. I think maybe it is more about who/what I'm angry at, which honestly I'm not sure I've defined at this point other than just the sense of inequality in the world. I realize the length of my ILs marriage (or anyone else's for that matter) had no impact on me losing T far too soon. They didn't steal any years from us - they just got lucky enough to get longer than we did. I wish I was in their situation, of course, and I am completely disappointed that I'll never get that chance. If you don't feel you can attend weddings, etc., there is nothing wrong with not attending. And an anniversary celebration cruise is not something I think I could handle either. It is one thing to manage to check your emotions for a few hours. A cruise would be way too much for me. Plus I'd rather spend my money to take the kids on a trip we all could enjoy. Whatever you decide in that respect should be what's best for you. Just wanted you to know that I'm not that generous. I have to talk down my anger on a regular basis. More hugs...

I'm really hoping so, Charlie. I am stubbornly refusing to let my husband behind, but instead to find a way to carry him with me while creating a new life. I think it is possible. I've just got to keep fine tuning as I go. It is great that you've been able to pour your feelings into a song that is giving you an outlet for your grief. Hugs to you...

I'm sorry, Carey. Just want you to know I understand why this change feels so devastating to you. You've painted an extraordinary mental picture of the memorable moments you've had there. How could losing the physical connection to those memories not feel like a terrible loss? Tight hugs...

I'm sorry, imissdow. It must be such a worry on you and hard to understand when the testing doesn't seem to offer answers. Having met your DD briefly, I know she is beautiful, bright, and kind. I'm sorry she's having these struggles. Sending you tight hugs...

RIFF, you may surprise yourself. Since T died, his parents celebrated their 60th wedding anniversary. While I felt a little sad that T & I never even made it to half of that, I really was able to celebrate it with them. In fact, I planned a small celebration dinner at a local restaurant for them. I wasn't sure it was a good idea to put myself in that situation, however it didn't hurt as much as I thought it would. It was kind of comforting that the love that gave me T was still continuing on. T's brother recently passed away, so my ILs now buried two sons in two years. As I watched my FIL hold out his hand for hers as the walked to the gravesite, I was so glad they still have each other. I had a brief flicker of envy and fear of what might lie ahead for me without having T's hand to reach out to me, but I managed to quiet it down and tuck it away. I'm sure those celebrations will stir up some sadness for you, but maybe you needn't dread them. Tight hugs, RIFF...

Tight, tight hugs to you, Candace. I'm so sorry your father is so ill. I can imagine it feels very disheartening to have the things you started to rebuild fall apart. I know it doesn't help right now, but I hope you can tuck away the knowledge that you found the courage to put yourself out there, so you can do it again when you are ready. Again, I'm sorry it all hurts so much right now. On the hope issue, I've been looking at it this way... I have no idea what the future will hold for me. It may be as dreary as I fear on a daily basis, because life has felt that way since my T died. On the other hand, I may find new things that add light back into my life. At this point, I can't know, so that is where my hope lies right now - in the possibility. More hugs...

I think the verbiage of "choosing happiness" isn't really helpful to everyone. Personally, I usually take it with a judgmental tone. It feels like the people I have heard it from are implying that I'm choosing misery, when I could instead be choosing happiness. Our lives are much more complex than that (at least for some of us). As an example, I would imagine that being in a new relationship might frame your perspective differently than someone who fears they might never find a relationship again. Not that it makes missing your spouse less painful, but I'm imagining it provides a meaningful distraction and somewhat quiets that fear at least temporarily. Our situations are just so unique. Jen, I have found it is best to tune out unhelpful comments (those that feel unhelpful to me where I'm at once I've considered them). If it needs to be reduced to a simplistic level such as choosing happiness, then I think it is better phrased that I avoid choosing unhappiness. I don't feel I can be happy just because I tell myself to be, but I do have a standard I've set for myself (not imposed by others) to make sure I'm not choosing unhappiness. I think I can control that much. For me, that means I grab onto moments of happiness when I can, savor them, and feel no guilt about them. I know you are doing this as well. I also don't think feeling unhappy. sad, devastated, etc. is a reflection of one's appreciation for the blessings they have or once had. My memories of T and the really satisfying and happy life we shared are precious to me and I am grateful for each of them. That said, they don't have the substance to replace not having T here with us. I realize many never have the type of love I had. That knowledge informs my empathy for others, but doesn't lighten my personal grief at the loss of it. I understand the feeling of taking your grief inward IRL, as I have done that myself. It was clear shortly after I hit the year mark that no one wanted to hear about it any longer. I wish there was a way we could defer support, because it seemed like at the year mark I was just really starting to emerge from the protective fog and face the horrible reality (and I'd had some personal health issues that had delayed my grief work). I hope you won't feel like you can't share your true feelings here, though. I'm still listening and caring, so don't feel like you have to hold it all in. You know how to reach me other than here as well. Tight hugs...

I sending you every ounce of strength I can and lots of love to go with it. I am so proud of you for taking this step into a better life for you and your son. You both deserve it. You can do it. Be safe. You'll be held in my thoughts. Tight, tight hugs...

I am also terribly saddened by this news. I have long been a fan of Joe Biden. I have always been so touched by how freely he talks about his love for his family and how they never seem to miss a moment to show their love and care for each other. It is hard to imagine enduring all the loss he has been through. MrsTim, I remember after my T died hearing Joe Biden's words that someday thinking of T would bring a smile to my lips before it brought a tear to my eye. I held onto that hope and felt discouraged for a long time, because it didn't happen for me. But he was right. While I'm still really grieving losing T, when I think of him now, a smile does precede the tears. That is a blessing and how it should be.

I'm sorry you are hurting so badly, AW. Wishing I could help dull the ache for you. Tight hugs...

Hello everyone! Not much happening here tonight. Made barbequed ribs for the kids for dinner, then caught some Everybody Loves Raymond episodes. The show still makes me LOL, even though I miss watching it with T. It's one of those shows that my kids are too young to really relate to the humor, so I watch alone. Who am I kidding? I watch most shows alone, although we always watch Modern Family together. Now I'm settled into bed and wide awake. Sigh... Looks like RIFF wins for best night so far. Smores, mmm!

Sending you tight, tight hugs, BH2...

I'm sorry, Kamcho. I have been very turned off by some of the requirements of some rescue programs. They seem over the top in some areas. I wish they had an opportunity to get to know the you we are privileged to know. They would know they could rest comfortably they had found a good loving home for a deserving pet.

Kim, I hoping things feel a little less overwhelming for you this morning. I want you to know I read every word you posted. I understand why you are feeling so weary after all you have been through. It is clear you've been trying very hard to improve your situation. Because you haven't done so yet is not a reflection on you. Not trying at all might be, although even in those cases sometimes people truly are just too overwhelmed to manage more at the time. I wanted to tell you that your financial situation does not equal your worth as a person. It just doesn't. Being in a very difficult financial situation where shoes keeping dropping at every turn you take is very hard to endure and can easily wear down your self-esteem, but not your worth. Your worth isn't about what you have, it is about what you do. Clearly you are very important to lmsmdm and other widows on this forum and the ywbb. You've made a huge difference in their lives. You are a loving, caring mother and it would appear you love animals as well. I know you have many other positive attributes that define who you are much more than your financial situation does. I also personally know a few people who have great wealth that aren't very good people. I much prefer good people. I don't understand why some people have to struggle so much more than others. I know struggles are so much harder to bear when you've lost the unconditional support of your spouse. Some days I think I can't endure anymore without my husband here to help me through it, but I know I have people who love me and need me to keep trying. You clearly do as well. You matter to them and you matter to us here as well. So many of us have faced those feelings of desperation and have found comfort and support here and on the ywbb. You've been one of those people who has provided that comfort and support to others. Please let us return the favor and lean on us as much as you need to. Sending you more tight hugs, Kim...

First, BillsKim, I am sending you a very tight hug. I can see that you are feeling very overwhelmed right now. Is it chat you are having trouble getting into? Are you able to access your private messages? If so, I would like to send you a message. I'd be happy to talk with you if we can get connected. I'm going to post this message and then send you the private message. Wait a minute or so and see if you can receive it, okay?

Yes, I am right there with you. A surprise kiss on the back of the neck, a wink across a room, a hug tight enough to quiet my head, laughing until I was gulping for air....

TS, I don't think the garden idea seems insane at all. It was something you enjoyed doing together, so it seems fitting to me. I understand your feelings about leaving the ashes there where you may be moving away from soon, but since Scott specifically requested it, you shouldn't carry any guilt over it. I was thinking that while your experience in that house hasn't been positive, Scott may have felt differently. One on hand, we went through very difficult days there with his illness and didn't get to enjoy or realize the dreams he had of your lives together there. Yet I'm thinking that he also learned how truly and very deeply he was loved by you there as you fought for him, cared for, loved him until his last breath. So even if he never got to have a lot of happy days there, he did have many days of knowing the depths of an unconditional love many may never be privileged to experience there. Sending you love and tight hugs...

Glad to know you are safely home and that your trip was so nice. I'm sorry that distance is hurting your heart. Hopefully some type of bridge can be found. Sending love and tight hugs...

Maureen, I'm so glad you were there to offer comfort to her. A hug from someone who understands is a powerful thing. I hope all your tests went well, too. Hugs to you...

That sounds great, Sandy. Peanutbutter pie was one of my dh's favorites. I hope your plans bring you comfort today. Sending you a tight hug...

Nonesuch, I had replacement cost coverage, but it still didn't cover it all. It didn't fully pay to replace my car. They didn't consider the paperwork fees like title and tags transfer, etc. as coverable (couldn't get new car without them, of course), nor would they pay for the warranty I had (which was non-transferable). So I paid for those items out-of-pocket. Calimom, you were on my mind throughout this whole process. The ADA I met with kept harping about it being his first arrest. I finally told her it didn't matter if it was his 1st or 10th arrest - the harm to my family was the same regardless. She also repeatedly told me how lucky I was that no one was seriously injured. I do feel fortunate in that respect as the responders on the scene and those who've seen the demolished van say it is a miracle we all survived. But we need to have laws that address the potential for someone to be seriously harmed or killed, not react only if that worst of all outcomes actually occurs, such as in your situation. It is maddening that more people don't join in demanding stricter penalties. Anyone out on the roads is at risk. It doesn't matter the time of day or night. Maximum of 10 years? Terrible. I'm so sorry. Yes, for me it isn't so much a personally vindictive response, as it truly is wanting to try to help others avoid a similar or worse fate. Tight hugs...

Yes, it seems that regardless what else changes, the missing them stays as powerful despite the passage of time. Tight hugs, AW...

Trying, honey, I'm hoping you won't have to give up new guy. Try to hold onto hope that this can be worked out. I'm hoping that your boys can understand how much you have thought about their feelings. Right now they have no clue the lengths you have gone to to protect their feelings, etc.. I suspect they might at first feel like you weren't honest with them by hiding the relationship, but hopefully the counselor can help them understand why you did it the way you have and help them recognize how much you prioritize them. Yes, you are correct that his feelings are valid, but he needs to find ways to better deal with them than lashing out. I have found that sometimes when I've tried to plan things for my kids that they said they wanted to do, it ends up not being a good time, because the absence of their dad hurts too much. As parents, we become conditioned to mask our hurt for the kids' benefit. Sometimes I have felt like throwing a fit myself, because I am so sad and pissed that he isn't there with us. But, of course, I don't. I forgot to acknowledge in my last post how much change you are going through yourself as well. Moving is tremendously difficult and exhausting - both emotionally and physically. While moving is hard emotionally for your boys, it isn't the same as for you. You know the plans and excitement you had in purchasing that home you are leaving and hold so many more memories than they could ever realize. Be gentle with yourself. Hopefully yesterday was just a really bad day as you said that overall things have been going better. I'm sending you lots of positive energy and love...

I'm sorry, Trying. It all must feel so terrible. I really have no experience as I'm not in your situation with seeing someone. I think maybe joint counseling would be worth a try. I think that you and your sons are at a different place in viewing your relationship. Since your son isn't aware that you've been dating as long as you have, maybe he is feeling that you seem to have gotten so close and comfortable to your new guy quickly and that is somehow translating to a lack of concern for them or that you've easily forgotten their dad - neither of which is true, of course. Maybe seeing your friends interacting with new guy may have felt a little like they had forgotten your husband and accepted this replacement (in his mind) as well. Honestly, if you see yourself continuing to see your new guy, I would consider family counseling for you and your boys together where you tell the boys how long you've been seeing new guy. I think you won't bear the burden of keeping that secret any longer. You can let the boys know that you have spent a lot of time trying not to have them hurt by your dating, and that you've also spent a lot of time unsure about the relationship, because it is hard to start a new relationship when you still love their dad and always will. I think a counselor could help reinforce to them that you do deserve to have your own happiness in addition to being their mom. I met with my son's counselor with him, so his counselor could explain that the feelings I have are understandable and normal. He seemed to accept that from the counselor much easier than from me. It made a big difference. Perhaps the combination of the party without their dad, combined with having new guy and his kids there just was too much in that instance, rather than overall. The boys are facing a lot of change with adjusting to new guy, moving, trying school again, etc.. Even change that you feel positive about can cause a lot of anxiety. Sending you tight, tight hugs. I'm sure feeling so torn must be difficult. I don't think your son intends to ruin these events for you. Perhaps these special occasions without his dad are still just really hard for him. Regardless, I appreciate how upsetting it must be for you when you've been trying so hard to do your best for your sons. More hugs...

Sandy, maybe if you don't actually fish, you could still go to his favorite fishing spot and spend some time there in his honor? I don't blame you about the worms - shudder! Perhaps a different bait as donswife suggested? I'm sorry he can't be here for you to celebrate the day together. Our children and I usually take one of my husband's favorite desserts and spend time with his parents on his birthday. I figure they understand how important the day still is to us. Sending you tight hugs...