SoVerySad

Thank you all for your replies. Kamcho, your post about calling the police is important. At the crash scene, a man walked up to us and said he felt terrible about us being hit. He told me the guy who hit us had been driving very erratically behind him for some time, before eventually passing him and subsequently hitting us. He said at a stop sign he had considered putting his car in park and going back to ask what his problem was. He didn't, because he was afraid the guy might have a gun. It would have been better had he called the police. In PA, as I understand it, we can choose to have tort coverage or not. I do and have hired an attorney. It seems the case will be against his liability coverage under his auto insurance. I also have under-insured motorist coverage through my own insurance. It has been a learning experience for me in how these coverages work in my state. When I bought the new van, I just kept everything the same as DH had it set up as he took care of that. If you are in a similar situation, I recommend you familiarize yourself with the coverage you have. Here in PA, your own car insurance pays your medical bills. My husband had chosen a lower benefit amount there, presumably because at the time we had great health insurance coverage through his work. Unfortunately, I no longer have that same great coverage, so I may well end up paying some of the medical bills (which hopefully my attorney can recoup for me). My attorney has been able to recommend some changes to my policy for better coverage. Nonesuch, the issue of those driving with suspended licenses is substantial. Many people do it and it is hard to police. There is currently a bill being proposed here in PA to require ignition breathalyzer interlocks after a first DUI offense. I think it would be a good idea, so I'll be lending my support in trying to get it passed. Thank you again.

I'm glad you were so inspired, Mr. C. This morning I went to the Memorial Day parade in town. My daughter was playing in the band. I was so touched by the older men and women marching or riding in old cars and buses, along with the motorcycle riding vets, and the marching ROTC students from our high school, several of whom I know personally. I was kind of embarrassed as tears started flowing thinking of all the families who have lost loved ones in service to our country. I literally could not stop the tears from flowing for the rest of the parade. I managed to smile through them and wave to the service members. They seemed touched to have the recognition they deserve. I hope the run went well. Hugs to you...

That is so sweet for her to call you. I imagine that people often think about us from time to time, but few seem to take the time to call. I have a family friend who is in her late 80s. Her husband died two weeks before my husband died. In fact, my husband drove a few of her friends to his funeral so they could be there for her. We've talked from time to time over the past 2 years. I saw her at BIL's funeral this past week. I've found though she doesn't have some of the same challenges I do in being a younger widow, we share a lot in missing our husbands and trying to keep moving forward. So, I think you are right. Tight hugs, jlp...

Tight hugs to you, MS. I'm glad the flashbacks are to good times.

The drunk driver who crashed into us was sentenced this week. He ended up only being charged with DUI with the highest tier blood alcohol content - no charges at all related to hitting us. It was the same as if he had only been pulled over and never caused a crash which caused my daughter to need to be cut out of our vehicle, completely demolished our mini-van, and caused me to need surgery and 3 months of rehab. It is hard to understand. Apparently there is one way the impact upon us of his choice to drink and drive was recognized. Because I requested to talk to the Asst. District Attorney about the impact (which I only learned I had the right to do by contacting MADD), he wasn't eligible for the Accelerated Rehab Program which would have allowed the DUI conviction to be wiped off his record as if that had never happened as well since it was his first arrest. Apparently he was quite unhappy that he didn't get that option. He wanted to get my medical records to try to prove I wasn't "injured enough". Such an inconvenience this injury of mine has been to him. I was prepared to attend his sentencing to speak to the judge (as was also my right), but an error was made and they did the sentencing without me knowing it would be done. On a positive note, my wrist is really healing well. I finished rehab this week and will need to continue with my at-home program for several more months to continue to build the strength back up. My anxiety over driving is improving a little as well as I continue to force myself to do so. I'm so ready to get all this behind us. That said, I plan to get more involved in trying to see the DUI laws become more strict in my state. It shouldn't take someone getting permanently injured or killed for there to be more severe consequences. I really hope he won't drink and drive again.

I'm glad those sweet memories of Rodney enjoying life have stayed with you. Thank you for sharing with us. I'm sure that despite what my future holds, I will always miss my husband as well. Hugs to you...

That is great! How nice that he has figured out a way to be independent with something he enjoys. It must feel great for both of you. Hugs...

I am so sorry for the loss of your husband and that you have had a reason to find us. I think I was about at your same timeframe when I found the forum we previously had. It was a lifesaver and has helped me through some very difficult times. I hope you will find the same comfort here. Grief in itself is exhausting. Adding suddenly becoming a solo parent on top of it can feel very overwhelming. Please know there are many of us here who understand this and are here to offer a listening ear. Sending you tight hugs...

Very exciting night here. Fell asleep on the sofa watching old episodes of Chopped. My son just woke me up to come to bed. Now I probably won't be able to sleep.

I'm sorry for the stress and hurt, Brenda. Sending you hugs...

I'm sorry you have to be facing this sad day, Amor. I suggest just thinking about what might bring you a little bit of comfort or peace on that day and plan for that. You continue to honor your spouse by the love you demonstrate every day. Maybe make that day about things that will help you just get through it. Sending you love and tight hugs...

I'm so glad you are back home with your pets, L. I hope the therapy will help you regain your strength quickly. Sending more hugs...

Oh JS, I can only imagine the bittersweet nature of your situation. The timing of how things happen in our lives is completely out of our range of understanding at times. I hope you will get the opportunity to meet B's son - to have that connection for you, B's family, and also for B's son. Tight hugs to you...

I agree that everyone responds differently based upon their own unique circumstances. You aren't wrong for not feeling any anger anymore than those who have felt anger are wrong. I admit to having felt anger at my sweet husband at times, despite rarely ever getting angry at him in our married life. The morning of the day he died, I wanted to take him to the ER. I had made plans to drop the kids off at my in-laws and was literally standing car keys in hand. He refused to go, assuming it was just the virus I had been fighting for a week. Four hours later he died suddenly in our home resulting in our two children and I trying desperately but unsuccessfully to revive him. So, yes, I've felt anger that he wouldn't go to the ER when I asked him to. We could have at least avoided the trauma of him dying at home in that manner. I think there's a good chance he would still be here if he had gone as they could have provided immediate defibrillation there. But we'll never know. At the very least, I'd have known I did everything I could rather than sometimes feeling the weight of regret at not throwing a fit or something to make him go. I know he'd have gone if he would have known the outcome, of course. I don't stay mad at him long, because I love him so much. I think there is benefit in just being honest about our own experiences. While it may seem better to soften it up for the benefit of others to help them feel hopeful, the flip side of that is that someone in the throes of really feeling hopeless, etc. may be left feeling very alone or as if they aren't "grieving right" or they somehow are failing, etc.. I feel that's why a forum such as this is so valuable with many different experiences being shared. I've found hope when I needed it and I've found kinship when I've been in some very dark places as well.

I'm so glad you are doing better than expected, L. I've been thinking about you, so thanks for updating us. Tight hugs to you, sweet lady...

Oh, L, I'm sorry to hear this news. Of course I am sending you wishes that everything turn out okay and love and tight hugs to go with them. Please let us know how you are doing. You will definitely be in my thoughts. More tight hugs...

He's an amazing kid and you're an amazing mom. Congratulations to you both!

Not there yet, but sending you hugs dear friend. I'm sorry year three is feeling so hard so far.

That was very sweet of you to offer the wedding band. I'm sorry it was all such an emotional experience for you, but can totally understand why it would be. It is hard not to wish you could go back and relive experiences you see others embarking on and feel sadness that you can't. I'm sorry to hear about your husband's cousin. Cancer sucks. Sending you tight hugs, jlp!

I am sad to read this. She was a very sweet person who really reached out to others. Munsen, your post touched me mentioning her being reunited with her husband. It makes me feel happy for her in that respect. Sending tight hugs to all of you who knew and loved her...

Widowat33, I'm sure we do agree on most points. Parenting was an interesting experience for my DH & I, because we were raised very differently from each other. I grew up outside of town. Very few kids around. We had a big yard and a farm with fields behind us we were able to play in, but always within sight. My grandparents who raised us knew all our neighbors and I'm sure those neighbors did act as a village in many ways. Many of the neighbors were older, so we were like adopted grandkids to them. Dh lived in town. Tons of kids around. They ran around in a big group - left the house in the morning, stopped by someone's house for lunch, and went home at dark. Very little supervision. DH did end up involved in more nefarious activities than I did since he had more opportunities to do so. Combining our backgrounds into one parenting philosophy was interesting. It was interesting that he wanted us to watch our kids more closely than he was watched. I think he worried about them becoming teen versions of himself. In my area, kids that live close to school do walk home from school alone (often in groups of students), but there are crossing guards at most streets at the elementary and middle school level. I think child laws are often written for the benefit of the children who would be most vulnerable. There are responsible parents like you who teach their children good safety practices and develop their skills to be more independent, etc.. Then, sadly, there are other parents who would just rather have their kids out of their hair for awhile and don't teach them good safety skills, etc.. I think laws get written with those children more in mind. It may not be fair, but I think it is driven to try to see that all kids are taken care of. My daughter (15) recently went on a band trip to Philadelphia. I was worried, because they were allowing the kids 3 free hours on their own without chaperones. These are small town kids with no street smarts. I had planned to go along on the trip specifically due to my worry over those 3 hours, although I did want to see her perform at the NBA game. Then the car crash made my traveling along impossible. Oh how I worried during that 3 hour period. I tried not to let her know. I told her to text me a pic of her with the Liberty Bell. No pic came. I worried more. When she finally was back on the bus and texted me, she told me that she and her friends were ready to head out when they realized they had no idea where they were going (no directions provided). One of her friends said he thought it was kind of crazy that they were being allowed to run around Philly alone. The others agreed, so they just spent the 3 hours at the shopping/eating complex where they'd been dropped off, LOL. I was pretty proud of them for recognizing their own comfort levels.

While the first article is thought-provoking, I feel like the author is trying to have it both ways. On one hand, she seems to be saying that we should have some faith that other responsible adults in the village will help watch out for our kids. On the other hand, she is incensed that one of the village members reported her for leaving her child alone in the car. I'm pretty sure that many would label me a helicopter parent. I could care less what someone else labels me. Portside has commented about parents who transport their grade school children to school. Guilty... heck, I still transport my daughter to high school. Why anyone else cares is beyond me. My DH & I based our decision on the fact that there are no seat belts on buses in a state that mandates seat belts in all other vehicles. I know the argument that buses are safe, etc., yet I have my own experience of having been in a school bus accident as a child. My sister and I sat in the front seat. Our bus driver, who we loved and was a good driver, ran into the back of a truck one day. We both flew out of our seats. My sister's head actually cracked the windshield. Thankfully we weren't seriously injured. Here the school buses regularly seat 3 children to a seat, which leaves the 3rd child halfway on the seat. On most field trips I chaperoned, at least one kid ended up on the bus floor when the bus driver hit the brakes. So, decisions for my children are made based upon my experiences and beliefs. I realize the likelihood that one of my children would be involved in a bus accident are small, yet if you are the person it happens to, then the statistics really don't matter. My children have never been allowed to ride in our car without seatbelts - regardless if they were tired, restless, whatever. It wasn't negotiable. My kids were the few who rode in the back seat in booster seats until they grew big enough to not require them, while their schoolmates were riding in the front seat. They didn't always like it, but it was just the rule. I also never left either of them in the car temporarily to run into a store, so not everyone does it. My feeling is the laws exist and were put into place based upon situations that happened. While statistically the risk may be small, why take unnecessary chances? I would venture to guess the people who fall into that small statistic of having their children abducted or harmed would appreciate the chance to make a different choice if given a do-over. Of course, they never intended to put their children in any sort of danger. I personally have never found it particularly difficult to parent within the existing laws. In looking at the first situation, I might feel based upon reading the article that the mother may have been doing more harm to her child's future by giving into him to allow him to stay in the car rather than face a tantrum. My kids learned at a very young age that tantrums don't get you what you want. They still threw tantrums, but we were firm in not rewarding them, because we knew they are going to face a lot of situations in life where they'll need to suck it up and do things they don't want to. Once again, just our choice for our kids. I support parents choosing for themselves, but draw a line where it comes to breaking laws. If you feel the laws are wrong, then fight to change them. I will agree that parenting decisions are difficult, particularly when it comes to the balance between safety risks and encouraging independence. I have found these type decisions even more difficult since becoming widowed as I feel a sense of desperation at the thought of something happening to one of my kids as well. I do a lot of talking to myself to try to stick with the standards we had while my husband was here vs. my inclination to go overboard now.

Perfectly modeled. I agree it would be good for many people to read. Thank you for sharing.

Tight hugs to you, Maureen. It is definitely not to much to ask to be happy again. You deserve it. I really am in awe of your perseverance. Suffering from anxiety issues myself, I can only imagine what courage and determination it took to reach these accomplishments without John at your side. I'm glad you've had people to support you and that you have your beautiful Rosie. I'm sure that John would be so proud. I wish he could be there in person to mark the occasion with you. Thank you for sharing these thoughts with us and congratulations on your amazing progress forward. Sending you love and hugs...

I'm sorry more wasn't done then, Chrispy. It is heartbreaking. Hugs...